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Original poster

Is this a normal sex life???

807 replies

whatisnormality · 17/09/2010 21:37

My husband and I have just had an argument about our sex life.... again

It has got to the point where we are on the verge of splitting up. He does not see that there is a problem and I feel like I'm going mad so wanted other people's thoughts.

Our sex life:

  • Always initiated by me
  • 90% of the time it is me pleasuring him with no reciprical action and he 'thanks' me afterwards
  • Crunch time came at the weekend when I'd spent 50 minutes on foreplay (on him) and he suggested we go upstairs. Rather than have sex me, he got on all 4's so he could have some bum action?!
  • Last night we were cuddling and although I knew he was up for it, as he knew I was upset by the weekend incident I refused to acknowledge it so he asked if (whilst we were cuddling) it was ok if he played with himself as he had a stiffie (I was gagging for it, as always but wanted him to initiate it just for once)

It's been like this for the past 10-11 yrs and we always talk about it and it's always my fault and I just end up mystified. Apparently I don't know what normal is and I patronise him.

He says that everything has to be perfect for me to want to have sex and if I go to bed wearing knickers or pyjamas it means I don't want it (even if I subsequently spend 50 minutes playing with him, I'm clearly not interested)

Is this really remotely normal???

OP posts:
LeChatRouge · 17/09/2010 22:05

Straight talking time, with him I mean. Go out for a meal/drink; in public he won't be able to leave the conversation. Start by asking if he really loves you and wants the relationship to continue. Tell him you need to be in a partnership, where your needs are met. Tell him how loved and special a physical relationship makes you feel, how you feel extra close to him, secure and protected. Remind him of the happy times you have shared together and how you want to have a fulfilled relationship. Basically outline all of the positives you can both share, rather than focussing on the things that aren't right.

Suggest to him that you try a week of no sexual contact, just pure loving kissing and cuddling with no intent, this will take the pressure off. Then try a week where you have sex every night - try and get into the habit of it being a mutually pleasurable experience.

Consider if he has any physical or emotional issues (premature ejaculation, child abuse) that GP/counselling could resolve - you may have done this, I don't mean to intrude.

Original poster
whatisnormality · 17/09/2010 22:06

Ledkr - I followed him upstairs and he was literally on all 4's on the bed (I'd been playing with his bum downstairs) so I just used my finger. He ended up off the bed on his hands with his back side in the air.

After about 10 minutes he got up and asked me to move to the edge of the bed (so he could finish off inside me as I always grumble we never have sex) and I just started crying and actually asked what about making me feel loved? We didn't have sex, he cuddled me for a few minutes then went off in a sulk.

Tonight I told him that I wouldn't object to that sort of thing if we had a regular sex life normally. We just don't - we have sex about once every 6 weeks - he has sex at least once a week (if you count me sorting him out)

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 17/09/2010 22:08

I would say that this isn't viable- you must be depressed as hell. Have you ever thought about leaving?

2010Dad · 17/09/2010 22:08

Based on what you've said... in order of likely, to unlikely, my guess is:

  • he is gay (likely)
  • he uses porn a lot
  • he has a very low sex drive
  • he just doesn't fancy you (unlikely)
nigglewiggle · 17/09/2010 22:10

It sounds like his sexual preferences are the "elephant in the room" in your relationship. You need to talk about it.

CarGirl · 17/09/2010 22:10

He sounds more gay with every post you write.

Original poster
whatisnormality · 17/09/2010 22:11

I have tried to leave many times but I do love him and he seems to have some sort of control over me. He always makes me question what I'm saying and I feel like he must be right and I must be making a big deal about nothing.

Everyone loves him (bar my brother and one of my best friends) and thinks he's perfect and I'm so lucky to have such a fantastic man.

He said tonight that I get to talk to all my friends so they concur it's abnormal and acted as though he didn't believe that I didn't when I said that I'd be mortified if anyone knew what our sex life is like and how humiliating that would be (even my best friends!)

OP posts:
MollysChambers · 17/09/2010 22:12

Christ almighty. And this had been going on for eleven years??? From what you've said it doesn't sound like he wants things to change. Lots of daft excuses and no change in behaviour. Why are you still with him?

ronshar · 17/09/2010 22:13

This sounds horrible for you.
I think that maybe you need to seriously consider your future with this man.
He does sound like he prefers a more homosexual sexual life.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life giving pleasure without receiving any?

Is he a good partner in other areas of your life?

MollysChambers · 17/09/2010 22:14

Sorry x-posts. You have low self esteem which is hardly surprising given the way he's treating you. He's the one with the problem, not you.

Original poster
whatisnormality · 17/09/2010 22:15

It's really difficult because I am miserable and do dream of divorce pretty much every day. But only because I would like to have children (practically impossible) and he always says that this isn't the major issue in our relationship - it's our jobs (we had problems before either of us were in stressful jobs), it's our working patterns (neither works unusual patterns at the moment), it's the other emotional demands in our lives..... there's always an excuse and for me, actually the major issue in our relationship is this because I don't feel close to him or loved or secure

OP posts:
VictoriasLittleKnownSecret · 17/09/2010 22:16

It's not normal and it's not you

He sounds gay and if I had a magic wand I wish you a heterosexual man to make you feel loved and give you an orgasm and you'd realise it's not you

asouthwoldmummy · 17/09/2010 22:17

You've put up with this for 11 years and you're only 33? Sorry not being judgey but I was expecting you to be older! I'm 24 and there's no way I would allow my dh to treat me that way!
You say if you stopped initiating sex you would have no sex life, but would that be worse than how you feel at the moment? Sex is meant to be a pleasure for both of you, perhaps if he doesn't understand that he doesn't deserve you putting the effort in!

ledkr · 17/09/2010 22:17

oh dear poor you. I am guessing that the longer you leave it like this the worse you are going to feel. He is not being fair at all.I dont know what to tell you to do tho,maybe go to relate alone to sort out your head. Men do sometimes like abit of"bum fun" but not soley that and using you to finish off is just too awfull to contemplate.

CarGirl · 17/09/2010 22:17

You aren't going to have children with him because he won't have penetrative sex with you!

What career does he have, something where being gay would be discriminated against?

noddyholder · 17/09/2010 22:17

You both sound so miserable.One of you has to take the initiative and put a stop to this and he sounds self obsessed and immature so it will have to be you x

SheWillBeLoved · 17/09/2010 22:18

Another one voting for him being gay, and seriously in denial. It's just not normal at all really, any of it.

Read your thread back to yourself as an outsider giving advice. I'd be very surprised if it didn't seem that way to you too, given the facts.

JiggeryPopery · 17/09/2010 22:19

Is he John Barrowman?

Sorry to be flippant but if he's straight I'm the Pope.

You will never have children with a man who wont' have sex with you. It's simple biology.

Will you still love him in 10 years' time when it's too late and you didn't have kids because he is still in the closet or not addressing whatever issues he has? Will you have regrets?

He really doesn't sound very nice. You may love him but he's not really worthy of it, is he?

Original poster
whatisnormality · 17/09/2010 22:19

Ronshar he is a good partner in most other ways. He's a typical man mostly in that he is pretty selfish and lazy around the house however he is always there when I need him.

I don't know just having a down day.

I met someone today who was telling me (completely unrelated) that in her profession when she meets couples she asks what each of them bring to the relationship and I guess it made me question what he does bring. I look after the house, finances, families, social lives etc and he is a good man who changes light bulbs after 2 months of nagging! (he's not really that awful just grumbling at the moment)

OP posts:
hairytriangle · 17/09/2010 22:20

"It's really difficult because I am miserable and do dream of divorce pretty much every day. But only because I would like to have children (practically impossible) and he always says that this isn't the major issue in our relationship - it's our jobs (we had problems before either of us were in stressful jobs), it's our working patterns (neither works unusual patterns at the moment), it's the other emotional demands in our lives..... there's always an excuse and for me, actually the major issue in our relationship is this because I don't feel close to him or loved or secure"

Poor, poor you. This rings huge huge bells with me... I really think you need some time out and to get some personal counselling - this sounds like what they call a 'symbiotic' or 'co-dependendent' relationship - the words you use really spell it out - the fact that you want children but (he doesn't?) that 'work ' is an issue?

It just sounds like he has some very, very big issues, and is acting out by controlling you sexually.

CarGirl · 17/09/2010 22:22

It's horrible to be blunt but your reproductive clock is starting to tick rapidly if you were to have any fertility issues you are running out of time.

Please get some counselling for yourself you say he is a good man but he doesn't seem to bring anything to the relationship?

BitOfFun · 17/09/2010 22:23

If you want children and the chance of happiness in a relationship ever, you need to end this.

There is no point sugar-coating this.

Original poster
whatisnormality · 17/09/2010 22:23

It's interesting I think he does control me. I'm so assertive in real life but in this relationship he tells me what to do and I do it.

I actually can't make a decision of my own. Tonight he said that if I wasn't happy I'd have to make a decision if I wanted to stay and I asked if he was so unhappy why he didn't leave and he just said that he'd never do that - if anyone is going to it will have to be me. I don't know why but I can't. I've tried so many times over the years but he just has some hold over me (he's never abusive or anything)

OP posts:
LeChatRouge · 17/09/2010 22:24

I truly feel for you. Be careful you don't wake up one day when it's too late to have the things in life you deserve and that will make you happy.

Remember, you can't change someone's behaviour, you can only change the way you react to it.

Is it time to think about how you would cope without him (pretty well I suspect). List all of the pros and cons of staying with him. What does that look like in black and white? Are you staying with him for the wrong reasons?

perfumedlife · 17/09/2010 22:24

Dear god, what a mess. He has got to be gay, the clues are all there, him on all fours, finger penetration by you, no close contact even when he is giving you oral sex (the elephant tusk at your face)

He is clearly not able to face facts, but I wouldn't bother wasting a second more by going to counselling. You have spent 11 years and this cannot go on a month longer.

No wonder your self esteem is low. I wonder what your brother and friends reason for disliking him is. If you ask, will they tell you?

My pal went through this, he was the gay married man and really struggled to make love with his wife, although he loved her deeply. He just didn't want to be gay but he could hardly cope with the sexual side of the marriage and realised he was being cruel to continue, unfair to her.

You need to end this, it is a farce. So sorry.Sad

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