Help - DP is lovely, but stingy - what can I do about it?

[goatinacoat]

DP and I have been together about 7 months. He's the sweetest, kindest person I know, and I adore him except for one thing - I've recently noticed that he's a bit mean with money and it's starting to become an issue between us. He has to buy everything in sales, or from outlet places, we spend hours traipsing round to find bargains just for the sake of them being bargains and it drives me mad.

He and I alternate weekends between his and mine when XH has the dc's - I always stock the fridge up for his arrival, or get takeaways in, there's plenty of drinks etc. I don't expect him to contribute when he's staying at mine, and I like us to eat well.

However - when I go there, he never has anything in his fridge. His budget is £20 for a week's shopping which would go nowhere in my house. This week's offering was to split a carton of soup with leftover sliced bread, or share a cheap, basic £1.80 pizza. No salad, garlic bread etc. We sometimes end up eating out, but he's started only paying for what he has - ie I had a pizza with coke yesterday, he had tap water so just paid for his pizza when the bill came.

I hate to sound spoiled but I'm not used to this at all (XH, for all his faults, was nothing like this) - it feels awkward and horrible, and I'd far rather pay for the whole meal myself rather than go through this each time. I had started doing that, but then realised how much I was spending on both weekends at mine, and his, and started to resent it.

He has a good job, I know we aren't trying to do anything beyond his means, so it isn't that he can't afford it, it's some ingrained trait that he has. I am probably too much the other way and totally admit that.

What do I do? He's everything lovely that XH wasn't - but I can't live with this on a long term basis. After past experience it's hard to measure what's normal in a relationship - I just know I don't like this but don't know what to do without making it into some massive issue. Help!!

Are there other things that you don't feel comfortable with as well as this?

It's rarely only one thing that gets in the way in an otherwise decent relationship, iyswim.

You need to weigh up the balance I think.

FWIW someone like your partner is unlikely to change, at least quickly. I don't think you can change it. He would need to want to as well as having some counselling or something to make him see why he is like this.

It won't be a quick fix - so the question is can you stand it or not?

DUmp him. People like this don't usually change. Someone who is this tight with money is tight with everything - their time, their affection etc.

Look, you haven't got DC with him, you don't live with him, why knock yourself out trying either to adjust your attitude or change him when there are other men out there who are not pathologically mean?

Urgh I think meanness is such an unattractive trait. If he's tight in the first flush of love then it's only going to get worse.

£20 for a week's shopping? That's living like someone on benefits

Thanks for that LB.

Does he know it bothers you? Sometimes blokes just tick along in their own little world without really thinking about how it impacts on those around them.

Meanness is an unattractive trait in anyone.
Also such attitudes are often learnt in childhood and are thus deeply rooted.

What are you getting out of this relationship?. It is said that the first 12 months of a relationship are suppposed to be the happiest, this clearly is not working for you so why keep working at it when he is clearly not bothered to change?.

Be very careful that you are not slipping or have slipped again into the role of rescuer and or saviour here. You cannot act as either in a relationship.

LadyBiscuit, that was not a very nice comment from you.

Dump him.

Imagine living with him. You would have to spend all your money on food, etc as he would refuse to contribute more than a pittance but would still be happy to eat it all. And that's only the food!

What do you? Well, if they're mean with money, they're mean with just about everything else, as SGB points out.

How sweet and kind is it to be niggardly with food, ffs.

I agree with SGB, you don't have any real connection to this man.

Dump.

Tell him, 'You're stingy. It's unattractive. Goodbye.'

Thanks all. SGB - that's what's niggling me. At the moment he isn't tight in any other way but I'm really on the alert for it starting.

I'm also conscious that I've been in a very lucky position, financially, for the past few years so wondered if his behaviour was more normal. I don't think it is though. He does buy me flowers and little presents now and again (and I buy him presents too), so it's not all one-way. It's more the day-to-day stuff which causes the issue.

I agree with SGB

my exh was like this, i stayed with him for 7 years and he never ever changed. and as SGB says, tight people are tight with everything not just money. in fact she described my exh to a tee.

get rid. theres a difference between being "careful" with money and being downright stingy. and sadly your DP sounds like he falls into the latter category.

man i fucking hate stingy men.

Don't waste your time. Tightarses don't change. He is alrady freeloading off you by expexting you to pay all the time.

Dump his sorry arse.

NO, his behaviour is not normal.

'he's started only paying for what he has . . . '

In other words, the stinginess you've seen so far is just the tip of the iceberg!

He's on his way to revealing even more.

DUMP fast.

You're right, I'm wondering how I could ever live with him. If I'm honest it also niggled me that he didn't buy the dc's a present on their birthdays, just a card. Even a £1 book would have been a lovely gesture.

You don't have to resolve jack shit! You owe this man nowt.

You've only been with him for 7 months.

You don't live with him, you don't have kids with him.

It's not your job to fix him. He's an adult.

If he can't see as an adult that being stingy with food when you don't have to be is whacked, then that's his lookout.

Quit wasting your time.

Can you not just drop some not-so-subtle hints about wanted to be treated or spoilt? I often find myself spending far more than DP (not because he's stingy - if anything it's the other way round, and he just runs out of money before I do) so when I feel like the balance is shifting too far, I ask outright when he's going to treat me to dinner/something I'm after. It seems to work.

Obviously you want him to feel like he wants to spoil you though, and isn't just doing it under duress. Is he saving for something in particular?

He's a tight wad and does not want to let the moths out of his wallet. Dropping hints about wanting to be spoilt only makes such people worse. Its not going to work.

These people are mean and their meanness is deeply rooted. You are not there to fix him.

If this is what it is like after 7 months then what do you think it will be like after two years?. Much worse. You can do better than this one for a partner. You also need to ask yourself some tough questions as to how and importantly why you actually picked such a man to date in the first place.

I'm with everyone else.

I can't BEAR tightness in anyone - it would be a real deal breaker for me. And I would strongly suspects the little gifts he gets you are freebies or on sale. It's one thing to be flat broke - that I can understand (and I think that's what LB may have meant with her comment, why would he be so stingey when he has a good job?) so I wonder if he has big debts somewhere, or he's madly saving for something and has lost a bit of perspective.

You'll have to have it out with him. I notice you didn't mention he refused your good food and drink when he stays with you. I think a lot of people who are genuinely broke would say 'sorry I can't reciprocate, but I'm about to lose my job/I'm saving for a house/I have debts to pay off asap'

I'm of the school of thought that says if someone won't change their ways at the start of a relationship, they ain't gonna do it any other time. So I htink you need to establish where this is going, if he's willing to let the moths out of his wallet, and if he's worth it all.

Apart from violence, meanness is probably my least favourite character trait and it is certainly the most unsexy of all the vices.

I agree with others that it is usually very very deep-seated and unless he recognises it as a major problem which needs to be solved immediately, then it is simply not worth wasting your time on.

I also don't think LadyBiscuit's comment was particularly harsh. Meanness really is unattractive, deeply so, and living on £20 a week for food is something most people do only if they have to - because they are on benefits or are paying off a massive debt or saving for something which has a deadline on it - but that doesn't apply to this man, does it?

I think he grew up in a household where there was little money - his mum is definitely thrifty, (but with good reason, she went through a hellish time) It's like he operates on a wartime mentality - rations, and no wastage.

I really don't want this to split us up as in other ways I feel more connection to him than anyone I've ever met. He's very open and easy to talk to, it's just a subject I find really uncomfortable discussing.

He's coming over tonight. Have to deal with this, don't I?

Awful. Tightness because you're poor and simply don't have any money - OK. Tightness like paying for his half of a meal because you had Coke is not OK. It is rude and odd.

As a student I have a yearly income of a whopping 6 grand and I don't faff around like this. If I can't afford to do what my friends do or repay hospitality properly, I tell them why. Give him the chance to tell you if there is a reason by confronting him but I imagine he's just a stinger.

ooh x post Attila with moth-ridden wallets

Expat is spot on - he's an adult and it's not your job to teach him how to be a decent human being, you have children to mould already, do you want another?!

And I wouldn't ask him to change, overtly at least - I would say 'you have this trait, it's a problem for me for x, y and z reasons' and leave the ball in his court. Ask him what he thinks about the situation and if he understands why it's a problem for you, ask him how he thinks the situation can be resolved. He might say 'you'll have to put up with it' in which case run for the hills!

I don't think you're after a man who spoils you financially, you're after a man who pulls his weight. Which he ain't doing.

I'd talk to him before you dump him, because you do say he buys you presents and flowers. Perhaps he's got into debt, and needs to save. Going out for meals is expensive, so perhaps he can't afford it at the moment. Especially as he chooses to drink water! It's not like he's telling you to choose the cheapest item from the menu.

Perhaps his mum is having a hard time, and he's giving all his spare cash to her, or to the RSPCA or something .

I meant what HerBeatitude said - there is nothing wrong with being on benefits but it's bloody hard work living like that and I think it's very strange to confine yourself to hugely restricted spending when you don't have to.

I apologise if I offended anyone - it was very badly worded.