Help - DP is lovely, but stingy - what can I do about it?

[goatinacoat]

DP and I have been together about 7 months. He's the sweetest, kindest person I know, and I adore him except for one thing - I've recently noticed that he's a bit mean with money and it's starting to become an issue between us. He has to buy everything in sales, or from outlet places, we spend hours traipsing round to find bargains just for the sake of them being bargains and it drives me mad.

He and I alternate weekends between his and mine when XH has the dc's - I always stock the fridge up for his arrival, or get takeaways in, there's plenty of drinks etc. I don't expect him to contribute when he's staying at mine, and I like us to eat well.

However - when I go there, he never has anything in his fridge. His budget is £20 for a week's shopping which would go nowhere in my house. This week's offering was to split a carton of soup with leftover sliced bread, or share a cheap, basic £1.80 pizza. No salad, garlic bread etc. We sometimes end up eating out, but he's started only paying for what he has - ie I had a pizza with coke yesterday, he had tap water so just paid for his pizza when the bill came.

I hate to sound spoiled but I'm not used to this at all (XH, for all his faults, was nothing like this) - it feels awkward and horrible, and I'd far rather pay for the whole meal myself rather than go through this each time. I had started doing that, but then realised how much I was spending on both weekends at mine, and his, and started to resent it.

He has a good job, I know we aren't trying to do anything beyond his means, so it isn't that he can't afford it, it's some ingrained trait that he has. I am probably too much the other way and totally admit that.

What do I do? He's everything lovely that XH wasn't - but I can't live with this on a long term basis. After past experience it's hard to measure what's normal in a relationship - I just know I don't like this but don't know what to do without making it into some massive issue. Help!!

Mine wasnt very good at it, he would start then stop for no reason and id be ! i often wondered if the two were connected !. He also had to sleep a lot taking giant snoozes after hed filled his fat face with all my food.

Never offered to wash up or do anything either.Think he thought my armchair was some sort of throne.

Oh and at the risk of being petty, I do hope that you hide all your food tonight and only serve up a portion of frozen broccoli...

AF, he is quite gifted there actually. Honestly!!

Anyway, fwiw it wasn't tinned soup and stale bread, it was covent garden and some nutty loaf thing (how apt), but point very much taken.

So fed up of getting all this wrong.

He's coming over tonight, and I'll bet she's laying on a lovely, homecooked meal.

No wonder he eats on £20/week (my arse, that's what he tells you!), he freeloads of you, goat.

Don't bother making the effort tonight.

Ring him now and dump. 'Sorry, the freeloading party's over.'

Then spend the money you'd have spent cooking for this cocklodger to treat yourself or you kids to a little something.

Oh, and trust me, I've had more than my share, but there are plenty of blokes who are good in the sack and don't think twice about buying their girlfriend a pizza and a Coke.

I agree with dignified he seems happy to let you do nice things for him and treat him, but not even pay for a pizza and coke for you or make the effort to even have some food in when you visit......I hesitate to sya end the relationship as you obviously care for him, but I doubt he'll change. You need to decide if you can live with that or not.

I went out with a tightwad like this - although he was actually sticking to a budget because he refused to work (the nine to five grind was for plebs, if you don't mind) and lived on benefits. I didn't mind so much that he couldn't afford stuff, what I did mind was that he would allow, nay expect, me to pay for all manner of luxuries and not feel bad about it. He actually stole food out of my fridge on Monday mornings before he went home when he had been stuffing his face all weekend, too.

It is a desperately unnattractive quality in a man.

A major, major turn off to think of all the scrimping and penny pinching thoughts that go on in ther minds.

well, goat, I was thinking there must be something good about this fuckwit

at HerBeatitude

I don't think you should necessarily dump him immediately because of his meaness - I mean, I know I would but I absolutely abhor tightness, so for me it would be a deal breaker. But it's a question of what you are prepared to put up with.

you might find when you go on a day out, and you and the kids are enjoying icecreams that YOU bought, he might put his hand in his pocket. Or if you instigate a new arrangement whereby whoever is the guest brings the food - you will be guided by his choice of menu (and bring your own chocolate hidden in your bag )and you will be VERY strict about taking it in turns. And if you stop offering him tea/coffee biscuits when he's at your house...well all of this may make him think again.

And you could always show him this thread. There's every chance he is in denial about the effect his meanness has on others.

I would be inclined to say 'this is what having me as your partner entails - do we knock it on the head now or are you going to stop being a plank?'

But I would absolutely reciprocate his penny pinching ways.

I'm inclined to think 'ditch him now!' tbh but I think it's worth giving him a chance. And if he continues to be a tight arse, ditch him in the knowledge that it was nice while it lasted, but you 've had a lucky escape because being a tight arse gets worse with time. A year from now you would be thinking of your soup and bread with misty eyes, as you stir your Cup A Soup (shared between both of you) and crunch a dry cracker.

I remember once lamenting to a gay male friend of mine about an on-off boyfriend because he had a big cock.

And Erik's shrugging his shoulders and rolling his eyes and sighing, 'FFS, there are loads of big dicks in Denver.'

And he was right!

There is the big dick (literal) and the big dick (metaphorical).

Only one is worth having.

I suppose he thinks that the food materialises in to your fridge for free...

Give him half a tin of campbell's soup and a slice of white pan tonight and tell him that you've been 'too egalitarian up 'til now, assuming that he felt the same way about food as you do and assuming that your fridge is his fridge and his fridge is your fridge, but it hasn't panned out how you thought it would.

There, the word money and mean not mentioned.

'But I would absolutely reciprocate his penny pinching ways.'

But Dinghy, that all sounds like so much fucking effort! Hiding chocolate in your bag, having to take mental score of who contributed what and keep a running tally in your mind.

For what?

This guy's an adult. You shouldn't have to play adolescent games with him to get him to change.

I mean, WTF, if he hasn't figured out that meanness is unattractive by now, then he's thick as well as stingy.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

Heh heh, everyone notices when someone is mean.

My dh got a text from his friend T yesterday. T had been out for drinks with another friend R, the bill was £27. T put £20 on the plate, R put £10, and then R took the £3 change T had intended to leave for the waiter!!

So, for that little act of meanness now T, my dh, me and our two dc (they were with us when dh got the text and read it out to me) are all now sniggering behind our hands at this bloke R .

Your friends will be like that with this client if you stay with him.

Hmmm...the only way this would be acceptable if he was mysteriously skint for a reason you don't know about, e.g. earns a decent salary but pays for his gran's care home/his mum's mortgage/has bad debts/is paying to raise an orphan nephew, etc. At 7 months, it's probably too soon for that kind of thing to have come out, but if there's no reason like that then really he's not valuing you enough and the relationship is probably going nowhere.

I wouldn't rule out any of the above reasons though, people can end up in surprising situations and if it really is all he can afford then you might view the situation differently.

If there's no reason for the stinginess, then yes, dump him, he's a tool and unlikely to change.

D

Goat,

I could, maybe, understand it if he was on a tight bugdet, but when he is generous with others, and mean with you, that talks louder than words.

You need to steel yourseld to discuss this with him.

Good luck

Oh expat I do agree - I'm not talking about a long term strategy in a permanent relationship. Frankly, no one is that good in bed.

But as an exercise in holding up a mirror, it might be worth trying. Some people are utterly blind to the effect they have until it is pointed out to them, or they're on the receiving end of it. A bit dim, imo, but that's not the worst crime in the world. If it turns out he's genuinely mean and doesn't like to share but is happy to take, then it's time to give him the elbow.

Definitely can't be bothered to play any games (had enough of that with XH), would rather just bite the bullet and deal with it. We did have a brief talk about the fridge situation this weekend and he saw my point and agreed that he'd go to the shops before I next arrived so the fridge would be stocked. His place is always immaculate for when I arrive, he has candles, wine etc in but for some reason it's always food that's lacking.

I think he's unusually short of money this month due to having some household repairs done but I'd rather he just said he couldn't afford to eat out, than do it half-heartedly.

I do care about him, a lot, but I don't know if I can see a way past this.

And my guess too is that he'll try every trick in the book to get you on side (saying sorry it won't happen again and using puppy dog eyes are tactics these tools use). Do not fall for it. You owe him nothing really.

Raise your standards even higher now and maintain your dignity. You do not need all this crappiness on his part just seven months into a relationship. Him being good in the sack ain't worth it if in other areas of his life he is no good.

But it wasn't just this weekend, goat. In the OP, you say it's always like this when you go over there.

And the restaurant situation, too.

And not even a card for your kid, after 7 months?

C'mon. Don't apologise for him or kid yourself.

He's cheap.

I cannot abide meanness or penny pinching in any guise. These people never change and only ever freeload from others and try to turn you the same way.
Ditch him, and quick.

Hi goat, I have read through the thread and agree with others. There's living frugally and then there's plain old mean - this is mean.

My step dad likes to be frugal (he jokes on about how he went for the cheapest mobile contract possible and even that is too expensive) but he is also someone that is very kind and is generous with his time and money.

I think your radar is skewed, OP. This isn't just about meanness with money, it's about a meanness of spirit. That entails appalling manners in not catering for a guest in his home and getting into discussions about "who had what?" in restaurants. I suspect like most of us, you wouldn't behave like that with a friend you cared about, let alone a partner.

Interesting about the sex, but if you're anything like me and others here, I suspect that won't last because meanness is an absolute deal-breaker for me in close relationships and it is a major turn-off too.

I think when people have been in abusive relationships, they very often make bargains that people with high expectations don't. They reason that because he doesn't hit you or make cruel remarks, he must be wonderful, when in reality there is a whole spectrum of unacceptable behaviours.

Raise your bar higher, OP.

Goat , i think its loveley to be generous , but not with people who dont return the favour. Lots of people are like this and it takes a while to see it. I really do beleive theres other things that go with that sort of charecter.

Ive had freeloading freinds who ive had to give the boot over the years , people who are tight with petrol ect but will be ferried around in your car all day , people who " forget " their purse ect.

A woman i know will actually arrange a night out then turn up whinging shes only got a tenner , expecting everyone else ( including me ) to pay. Shes actually arranged to come out for lunch, waited till were ordering then stated shes got no cash , shes forgotton her bank card ect. It takes a while to notice these things, but shes old news now , im not being scrounged off.

I dont like it and i dont like the attitude. Why is there money more important than mine ? Why should i be expected to fund these fuckers. Ill maintain that people who feel okay taking money off you without returning the favour arent nice people.

< ahem >

I was joking about the good at sex fing