Help - DP is lovely, but stingy - what can I do about it?

[goatinacoat]

DP and I have been together about 7 months. He's the sweetest, kindest person I know, and I adore him except for one thing - I've recently noticed that he's a bit mean with money and it's starting to become an issue between us. He has to buy everything in sales, or from outlet places, we spend hours traipsing round to find bargains just for the sake of them being bargains and it drives me mad.

He and I alternate weekends between his and mine when XH has the dc's - I always stock the fridge up for his arrival, or get takeaways in, there's plenty of drinks etc. I don't expect him to contribute when he's staying at mine, and I like us to eat well.

However - when I go there, he never has anything in his fridge. His budget is £20 for a week's shopping which would go nowhere in my house. This week's offering was to split a carton of soup with leftover sliced bread, or share a cheap, basic £1.80 pizza. No salad, garlic bread etc. We sometimes end up eating out, but he's started only paying for what he has - ie I had a pizza with coke yesterday, he had tap water so just paid for his pizza when the bill came.

I hate to sound spoiled but I'm not used to this at all (XH, for all his faults, was nothing like this) - it feels awkward and horrible, and I'd far rather pay for the whole meal myself rather than go through this each time. I had started doing that, but then realised how much I was spending on both weekends at mine, and his, and started to resent it.

He has a good job, I know we aren't trying to do anything beyond his means, so it isn't that he can't afford it, it's some ingrained trait that he has. I am probably too much the other way and totally admit that.

What do I do? He's everything lovely that XH wasn't - but I can't live with this on a long term basis. After past experience it's hard to measure what's normal in a relationship - I just know I don't like this but don't know what to do without making it into some massive issue. Help!!

HerBeatitude, that's how I am too. And especially on the loo roll!!

He has, and would buy Finest (or the equivalent) for me. I think he's fairly clueless, and would worry about buying something I don't like. If I spelled out what I wanted to eat, he'd get it in, or cook it for me (this has worked before.) Thing is, I spend all week planning meals for all of us, and just at weekends I'd love to have the thinking done for me. That's the most exhausting part of my life at the moment.

I think that part of the issue can be sorted. The recent bill-splitting stinginess is another matter and bothers me far more.

notquite, that's three of us

at HB again. Lol lol lol at arsewiping being 'a low interest activity'

I, on the other hand, take a pointless and rather childish delight in wiping my bum on some embossed puppies. So I agree - you are not a miser and your aunt and I aren't wanton spendthrifts. But we do have considerably better loo roll than yaow.

We all have our foibles but blanket tightness ain't nice. Good luck with your talk - I think he might be entirely clueless, or not realise how offputting such behaviour can be.

The problem is not that he spends only £20 a week on food - it's that he doesn't spend more when you are coming over. He doesn't ask you what you would like him to get in for you.

My DH would happily spend only £20 on food for a week for himself - he's not fussed about food and he's the type to only buy stuff when he needs to.

He is very stingy with himself (and likes to be scruffy) but he spent £150 on a wooden owl for ME for my birthday. I can eat and drink anything in restaurants whereas he likes mountains of inexpensive pasta and tap water (he doesn't drink and hates juices).

I think you need to talk to him and find out if he is going to mind when you are less thrifty and if he believes in pooled finances.

If he thinks you should be stingy too and he wants to force that on you then that would be a problem.

My DH walked to work rather than fixing his car so he could buy me a diamond engagement ring.

Tight with himself, loving and generous to others.

(Quick aside, it amazes me how many people really enjoy wiping their arses with soft loo roll. Am sometimes disturbed that I am unwitting missing out on one of life's pleasures and wonder if I ought to place a higher priority on it. )

Best of luck tonight. Perhaps this is an issue which can be easily resolved with a few words, which would be really great - you sound lovely and I really hope that you end up being happy.

On the other hand, perhaps you have latched onto something here which is the tip of an iceberg - a small sign of something much bigger beneath the surface. If so, at least you have found it and won't be in for a horrible shock in a few months/years.

Thank you dinghy, not looking forward to it tbh but it has to happen.

I so don't want to come across as a spoiled brat complaining he isn't spending his money on me, or seem the female equivalent of a cocklodger either...!! Talking about money is so bloody awkward.

thank you notquite, and everyone else! I am listening, I promise!!

HB you clearly have an undersensitive arse. See a dr.

MrLauriefairycake sounds like a lovely man. Get him to educate goat's dp!

I love a bargain - don't we all? - but Lfc is spot on about tight with self and generous with others. I would happily spend £20 on posho bath foam for a pal's birthday, yet on the side of my tub you will find a giant bottle of Sainsbury's own gloop.

PS the main problem with cheapo loo roll is that it sprays tiny bits of fluff everywhere the second it senses movement, and coats half my bathroom in something resembling snow. I don't want to dust my bathroom, I want to bumwipe on puppies!*

*no one has ever written that sentence before, ever; I bet you.

dinghy has a point there. Especially when you peel the first sheet off to use, then it goes everywhere.

May reconsider my stance on loo roll as well as the rest of my life this evening

'bumwipe on puppies'

I too don't understand fancy loo roll but my MIL appears to wipe herself with a mattress.

Money is an awkward subject yes and a lot of attitudes relating to how it is spent and saved comes from our own parents.

This man's mother operates under a wartime type austerity policy; he has copied this. Such attitudes are very resistant to change.

He is probably everything your ex H is not but your radar is still way off beam and you admit as much.

It is not down to you to fix him - remember that if nothing else.

goat I think we all know you're not whingeing because he has bought an inferior champagne or hasn't bothered to have his yacht refitted this year yet

though that would make him a useless fucker of course

it's that his tightness is a) irritating b) speaks volumes about his willingness to share what's his and c) is fairly insulting when you spend happily on him and he doesn't reciprocate where, it would appear, he can.

I think it would be a real shame to break up over this, especially if he's so nice in other ways.

But disagreements over money are a major cause of marriage problems and divorce - if you're serious about him, you'd have to think how it will be when (if) you're married and have shared finances and household expenses, if he's objecting to you spending what you consider normal/trivial amounts on everyday things, that's going to cause annoyance and resentment very quickly, it really helps if you have a similar outlook on things like this.

i think if he is otherwise a good bloke then you should talk to him about it rather than just dump him

Would it be a really bad idea to show him this thread??

But has the OP told him she likes good food? I think its so important to communicate and not assume mind reading. (that itself is an abusive trait to assume someone should know how you feel).
I think you should talk to him, explain the fact you value good food and when he's 'stingy' you feel xyz.

If he promises to change but wont, then move on. However, give him a chance. He sounds like in most areas hes great. If he does value you then he will make an effort with food. and maybe his fridge will be stocked with food this w/e.
I think alot of people on this board have experienced abusive relationships, myself included. However, relationships need to be worked on, and no two people are ever going to be perfect together all the time. There will always be differences. I think the real clue will come when you have communicated your needs, explained how you feel, then if he's still ignoring you or not chnaging then its time to get rid.

Freedomfrom, you've really expressed how I feel. I think once you've left an abusive relationship you want one which ticks all the boxes - it becomes so important not to get it wrong again.

I'm far from perfect though, and currently come with lots of baggage, so why should I expect anyone else to be? I think the key here is to discuss this openly and see if there is rapid change as a result. If not, it has to be game over.

He is consistently kind and caring towards the dc's and me in everything else he does and says. He assures me and I generally feel that I am more important to him than anything - but this is a niggle which bothers me too much to let it go - more for its potential to develop into other behaviour than anything else.

Stayfrosty, you're right. I think this makes hard reading for me, let alone him. I've been surprised by the strength of feeling tbh.

Other than physically buying presents for the dc's, (which I'd never expect, but would mean so much to me - have never told him this) he will spend ages playing with them, loves taking them to the park, or on days out. I never remotely feel he resents them, or the time I devote to them. He totally accepts that for the time being they have to be my priority.

I think we've reached the stage now, where if this is going to continue we have to think ahead a bit more. Before, I was kind of living in the moment. Now, I'm having to think about how we'd potentially manage living arrangements and it's scary.

Some people love to go round saving money and eating frugally. My dad is like that, and him and his wife love to go out collecting wood from skips/forests/asking in shops if they can take pallets and so on for their woodburning stove. They don't often go in restaurants and if they do, they would share a starter and a main. I couldn't live like that, but they are happy in their bargain-hunting ways. They are not mean with their time or energy, and they do buy presents, though not really expensive ones.

I think the point is that your lifestyles are not compatible. I would give him a chance to up his a bit to meet yours (all that living on his own has probably meant he's got into some ruts with shopping and cooking). But otherwise, he won't change, just as my husband has not found a love of housework after having his mother, then his cleaner pick up after him for 35 years.

Thank God/Allah/Spiderman I got here in time.

Look, he's a bit tight. A lot tight. But otherwise he sounds pretty good.

How old are you? Has he had many lady friends before you? Is he some kind of speccy nerd? Is he actually not earning that much and overpaying his rent/mortgage?

All these things may be important.

But they can be overcome, using humour.

Make a few jokes. "This bottle of wine cost more than you've spent on my dinners since I met you...arf arf"

"My kids spend more on food in a week than you do"

"If you fridge is full next week I'll * your with a * and then * * monkey mask while talking like Stephen Fry."

If humour either annoys him or he doesn't change. Have him whacked.