Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help - DP is lovely, but stingy - what can I do about it?

195 replies

goatinacoat · 06/09/2010 10:17

DP and I have been together about 7 months. He's the sweetest, kindest person I know, and I adore him except for one thing - I've recently noticed that he's a bit mean with money and it's starting to become an issue between us. He has to buy everything in sales, or from outlet places, we spend hours traipsing round to find bargains just for the sake of them being bargains and it drives me mad.

He and I alternate weekends between his and mine when XH has the dc's - I always stock the fridge up for his arrival, or get takeaways in, there's plenty of drinks etc. I don't expect him to contribute when he's staying at mine, and I like us to eat well.

However - when I go there, he never has anything in his fridge. His budget is £20 for a week's shopping which would go nowhere in my house. This week's offering was to split a carton of soup with leftover sliced bread, or share a cheap, basic £1.80 pizza. No salad, garlic bread etc. We sometimes end up eating out, but he's started only paying for what he has - ie I had a pizza with coke yesterday, he had tap water so just paid for his pizza when the bill came.

I hate to sound spoiled but I'm not used to this at all (XH, for all his faults, was nothing like this) - it feels awkward and horrible, and I'd far rather pay for the whole meal myself rather than go through this each time. I had started doing that, but then realised how much I was spending on both weekends at mine, and his, and started to resent it.

He has a good job, I know we aren't trying to do anything beyond his means, so it isn't that he can't afford it, it's some ingrained trait that he has. I am probably too much the other way and totally admit that.

What do I do? He's everything lovely that XH wasn't - but I can't live with this on a long term basis. After past experience it's hard to measure what's normal in a relationship - I just know I don't like this but don't know what to do without making it into some massive issue. Help!!

OP posts:
goatinacoat · 06/09/2010 17:37

Grin coolfonz. I like your style!

Both mid 30's. He's been divorced a few years (amicably, but they were polar opposites), handful of medium term relationships since. Earns a fair but definitely not huge amount, has a job that I really respect - admire what he does there but it's never going to be brilliantly paid (no guesses please, don't want to be outed!).

He is a really good person, very bright and funny but with a slightly naive and clueless streak going on too. I don't think he'd mean to hurt me in a million years, he's really upset because I'm upset today iyswim. There isn't a sinister back story here, just a nice bloke with a tightness issue which needs sorting.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 06/09/2010 17:45

Then spare him and you, goat. Don't beat around the bush!

Point out that you feel he's being mean and discuss it.

Don't namby pamby around, either. He can't read your mind.

StayFrosty · 06/09/2010 17:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Coolfonz · 06/09/2010 17:49

Yeah but you don't need the serious talk.

Not yet anyway.

I don't need glasses btw.

expatinscotland · 06/09/2010 17:51

She does need a serious talk, Cool. Otherwise she wouldn't have started this thread.

Just spill it, goat.

'What's with the carton of soup and bread? It strikes me as a bit stingy. Are you having some financial troubles?'

I mean, this guy's been married, had several medium-term relationships, is a father.

He's not some 21-year-old kid straight out of university.

Coolfonz · 06/09/2010 17:55

I'd go humour first, then serious talk, then www.whackaspeccynerd.com .

dignified · 06/09/2010 17:59

"If you fridge is full next week I'll your * with a * and then * * monkey mask ** while talking like Stephen Fry."

Im sadly trying to decipher that.

QuickLookBusy · 06/09/2010 18:04

He Made you pay for a coke, cos he only had tap water!!

Blooming Nora, that is just petty and mean!!

Sorryx

RumourOfAHurricane · 06/09/2010 18:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

RumourOfAHurricane · 06/09/2010 18:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

goatinacoat · 06/09/2010 18:56

I was wondering about the kitty idea, shiney. We've been away together a few times and done that, and it's always worked really well. Maybe we need a weekend version - I think I'm currently over-spending and he's under-spending and we probably need to meet in the middle.

He has no dc's of his own, btw.

10 mins to go... Confused I'm going to make it as clear as possible. If he doesn't seem to "get it" that will be my answer. I cannot go through this angst every 5 minutes.

Will report back.

OP posts:
forehead · 06/09/2010 19:09

I cannot abide stingy men and left my first boyfriend because he was so mean.
One of the factors my mother said to consider when choosing a life partner is to consider how free he is with his money. A man who is free with his money is likely to be free with his love. I know some very wealthy men who are unbelievably stingy and i also know some men who are struggling financially, but are always willing to share what little they have.

Antalya1 · 06/09/2010 19:14

without even reading through all of the posts I got to SGB'S and she is 100% spot on!!! Please listen

As small as this issues seems now, it won't be in the long run, those first feelings of resentment will grow and grow, so sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the comments of mean with everything else ring true, meaness with time affection etc.

he will not change this is him and in a way it's an illness.

I spent 4 years with someone like this, I'm like you probably far to generous, not ideal either, but the meaness killed our relationship.I kept us going, paid all the bills, fed us, but didn't have the money for luxuries, but he could afford x no. of holidays abroad, could always go out etc....oh I could write a book, if you want any more comparisions happy to provide them
.
Get out quick, sorry it's not what you want to hear Sad but I can't emphasis enough he will only get worse!!!

RumourOfAHurricane · 06/09/2010 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Dinghy · 06/09/2010 20:06

It does sound more and more like he's a decent person who is either clueless or totally stuck in a penny pinching mindset. Perhaps his ex stole/spent all his money. Perhaps he thinks his behaviour is normal, and you are wildly rich. Perhaps he doesn't realise it's a problem for you.

If he's in the sort of job you describe - I@m thnking probably public service, vital job for the community, low pay.....perhaps he's a dustman, for the sake of arguement - then he earns bugger all and possibly needs to be tight. There could be a decent explanation behind it and if it's the case that he has debts, he might be less than keen to discuss that. But I think it's important that you get to the heart of it.

Hope your chat is going well.

expatinscotland · 06/09/2010 20:13

I agree with Dinghy. But don't just sit on this and let it fester.

Get it out!

Hope it goes well for you.

Coolfonz · 06/09/2010 21:42

Like tenterhooks vibez man.

TBJP · 06/09/2010 21:51

Hope the chat went well - he sounds decent to me, mostly great, and I hope you can get this ironed out.

The coke vs water thing was a little off, but in general, he sounds mostly frugal as opposed to tight, and basically, just not that fussed about food. And he shows his love/care in so many other ways. Some people just don't think about money. Some people don't attach such relevance to gifts - DH and I don't really do gifts, doesn't mean I don't love him! It may be different with children, but perhaps he is demonstrating that it's more important to spend quality time with them than spend money ON them - not BUYING their love and affection. Maybe he was concerned you'd think you were trying to buy their love!

I really hope you don't bin him over this, and can come to some compromise. Good luck.

TBJP · 06/09/2010 21:53

Edit, typo:
"Maybe he was concerned you'd think you --were HE WAS trying to buy their love!", is what I meant!

Also meant to say, about the lack of gifts for children, that maybe he just isn't materialistic. I like that in a man.

msboogie · 07/09/2010 00:15

I want a wooden owl!! EnvyEnvyEnvy

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 07/09/2010 00:37

[lurk]

Maybe he's just abit of a wally and doesn't think? Tight/meaness is like (my ex) paying for a meal (fish 'n chips Hmm) and when you cannot eat anymore whinging about how much it cost (few quid) and making you finish it! Or when you see a lovely necklace in a bric a brac shop, haggling to get say a fiver off, but when they say no, only three quid off or whatever not getting it! I was so embarrassed walking back out of that shop for the sake of a few quid, it was very cheap to begin with!

FWIW I sometimes drink tap water when out - free and healthier. Some places charge like £2.50 for a coke Shock

Orangerie · 07/09/2010 00:54

My ex was like that... we both were students when we started which may veil the issue for a while, but even when he become a CEO the stinginess continued.... Actually, I have never being richer than when I started receiving tax credits as a lone parent, before then, even buying a lipstick was an extravagance to exH, however spending 100s of pounds a month in his own hobbies wasn't.

It is defined as financial abuse, you have been warned Wink

Coolfonz · 07/09/2010 08:35

I always drink tap water, nearly, unless i want sparkly. I save some jam jars. Take egg cartons back to the butchers. Coast down hills in the car out of gear. Shop in Lidl sometimes.

Coz i like to spend my money on important stuff, like da laydeez, drugs, pets, monkey suits etc.

Moosmummie · 07/09/2010 08:38

I'd run like the wind :o( Tightness is one thing that drives me insane - I would never cope with it. Atho do agree that at least saying something to him first is a good idea.

Coolfonz · 07/09/2010 09:03

I think it went well as Goat hasn't posted. I reckon it went like this :

Nerdman "I'm sorry, i will buy taste the difference lamb chops and not get bits of old twigs from the park for dinner, even though taste the difference is a massive con...sniff..."

Goat "that's ok baby i know you are a speccy nerd who has never been out before, let me take care of these papery foldy things with the queen on them for you"

Nerdman "..whimper...thanks...i just like to think about computers a lot - especially the really cheap chinese ones - so i forget to buy recognised brands...sob..."

Goat "i know, and you dont need these keys for that thing outside with the wheels and the engine and stuff, let me take that as well. And this little book called Post Office savings account, you wont be needing that any more..."

Nerdman "sob...ok...sniff...will you talk like the famous entertainer Stephen Fry now? Sigh."

Goat "Come here forthwith and sit on my knee young tightwad...."

Swipe left for the next trending thread