Help - DP is lovely, but stingy - what can I do about it?

[goatinacoat]

DP and I have been together about 7 months. He's the sweetest, kindest person I know, and I adore him except for one thing - I've recently noticed that he's a bit mean with money and it's starting to become an issue between us. He has to buy everything in sales, or from outlet places, we spend hours traipsing round to find bargains just for the sake of them being bargains and it drives me mad.

He and I alternate weekends between his and mine when XH has the dc's - I always stock the fridge up for his arrival, or get takeaways in, there's plenty of drinks etc. I don't expect him to contribute when he's staying at mine, and I like us to eat well.

However - when I go there, he never has anything in his fridge. His budget is £20 for a week's shopping which would go nowhere in my house. This week's offering was to split a carton of soup with leftover sliced bread, or share a cheap, basic £1.80 pizza. No salad, garlic bread etc. We sometimes end up eating out, but he's started only paying for what he has - ie I had a pizza with coke yesterday, he had tap water so just paid for his pizza when the bill came.

I hate to sound spoiled but I'm not used to this at all (XH, for all his faults, was nothing like this) - it feels awkward and horrible, and I'd far rather pay for the whole meal myself rather than go through this each time. I had started doing that, but then realised how much I was spending on both weekends at mine, and his, and started to resent it.

He has a good job, I know we aren't trying to do anything beyond his means, so it isn't that he can't afford it, it's some ingrained trait that he has. I am probably too much the other way and totally admit that.

What do I do? He's everything lovely that XH wasn't - but I can't live with this on a long term basis. After past experience it's hard to measure what's normal in a relationship - I just know I don't like this but don't know what to do without making it into some massive issue. Help!!

Does he care about you as much, I don't think so. You do not have to rescue and or save him y'know.

You may actually want to do one of WA's Freedom Programmes particularly if they operate in your area. Worth doing particularly if you've come out of a previous abusive type relationship.

I also think you need to love your own self for a change and give dating a wide berth till you've done some more work on yourself.

Meanness isn't really about money though is it? I think it's sometimes more about control and for that reason (although it's very difficult to tell from a thread how someone really is) I would seriously reassess your future with this bloke Goatincoat

A close member of my family is genuinely hard up and has to watch her expenditure very carefully but she nonetheless manages to be one of the most generous people I know - she's generous with her time - with her thoughtfulness/energy - and never visits empty-handed (some bargain she has found or something she has made like home made jam)

I think sometimes fearful/insecure/selfish people use meanness as a way of running their lives according to their own strict inward-looking parameters and it's nowt to do with expenditure per se.

Good luck with your decision/discussion!

Goatinacoat - dump him. Do not let your feet touch the ground.

Not because he is tight with money, but because he is tight with money and extremely happy to freeload off you.

Knobber.

WWIFN - very well put. It is mean spirited.

Even if you are cash poor you can be generous in other ways.

Blimey.

I dunno, it must just be me. I think that if this guy is genuinely great in other ways and is generous with his time and affection, then the penny pinching can be addressed.

Can't it?

My old dad is the most loving, generous spirited man on this earth but only ever serves us cheesy pasta when we visit, always has. He could afford to buy much fancier food but it's habit now and we all just smile and munch up the lovely pasta.

Maybe this guy just doesn't realise how bad it looks, and is guilty of thoughtlessness rather then control or abuse?

I have friends who I visit and say 'wow I always like coming here, you always have such nice cake' etc etc. But maybe the way I live isn't a 'cake always in the cupboard' lifestyle?

Doesn't mean I'm a nasty tightwad, at least I hope it doesn't.

OP, you have to do what you feel is right. I'd say, try to talk this one out before you go dumping anybody. Maybe he won't change, and you will have to move on. But maybe he can learn to be a bit more materially giving, with your help. There's nothing wrong with working on a problem in a relationship, if you really think it's worth it.

Having to tell him to stock the fridge before you visit is ridiculous. I wonder if he does this deliberateley so youll suggest eating out and foot the bill ?

Next youll be having to tell him not to say this or do that. I used to have a three strikes and your out thing, to cover for misundersandings. Nowadays i cant be arsed trying to explain the basics in manners to someone , i just give them the boot swiftly.

When you see him during the week , does he come to yours and you cook for him ? Will he be expecting a loveley meal waiting for him tonight ? It sounds harsh goat but you might need to consider that he is simply enjoying the luxery of having someone wait on him and of course the sex ( like my Roast Chicken Man )

whenwillI, I think that's a really good point about my expectations. I thought I had raised them, but obviously not high enough. This relationship has a lot of good about it and feels really healthy in most ways, but I can feel it being soured by this, and that's such a shame when it's over money.

I can't understand why I didn't notice this sooner as being a problem. It has definitely got much worse recently, but the signs were there. I think my exH used to paint me as being careless with money, so perhaps I just thought DP was more normal. I don't know.

MorrisZapp - I bet your dad would shout you a pizza and coke though right? And buys you a birthday card? This isn't just about food, it's about not wanting to spend money

I'm not suggesting game playing - I mean to act in a way that SHOWS him what it's like, if explaining doesn't do the trick.

I wonder if he's just clueless. Sounds as if a penny dropped (arf) when you told him about the fridge issue, goat. But only you can decide which was he's going to go - not a great sign if he's getting worse.

And - and this isn't meant as a criticism becuase I've done the same thing myself - it's easy to find someone wiht the same crappy trait as your ex, but not quite as bad, and then wonder if it's really you......because I wonder if your ex was a meanie too, and criticised you for spending in what most of us would consider a normal manner?

Just because he's not as bad as your ex, doesn't mean he's good [voice of experience]

I've said this before, goat, on this thread and I'll say it again: take a break from dating.

Take Attila's advice about WA and try to get some support and counselling for the fallout that goes with having been in an abusive relationship.

Do some work on you and focus on you for now.

If this meaness is getting worse after 7 months, this is not healthy.

And ill maintain hes got a sense of entitlement. He KNOWS its awkward and horrible when you have to foot the bill ect, or eat out because he get any food in , he knows it and he banks on you feeling awkward and not saying anything. Would he really go out with a guy and sit there and expect the guy to pay ? I doubt it.

Everyone knows if someone treats you to lunch then next time you treat them back.I think he,ll probably winge and whine if you try and break it off with him. If you find yourself giving him a second chance , id definateley change a few things.

If it was me id put a stop to him camping and guzzling at yours for the weekend and perhaps see him sat afternoon then sunday evening with him going home in between.

I also wouldnt be having sex with him unless he had treated me like a partner previously. Most guys have to work really hard to win a girlfreind , this guy isnt , he turns up empty handed , gorges your food and enjoys sex, not a bad deal really and one hell want to keep hold off.

When he comes to me, he either reads to the dc's while I cook, or will start the food while I'm with the dc's. I genuinely feel he'd be happy with beans on toast if that's what was on offer (and he's had that, more than once!), he's appreciative of my food when I cook but just eats more simply than I do.

He isn't lazy in any way, and will always help clear up, deal/play with the dc's without me having to ask. He even gets up with them to give me a lie in. I don't feel he does any of this to garner brownie points either. I often find out he's done nice things for me, but hasn't mentioned it at the time.

It's so difficult.

goat, the more you say about him, the nicer guy (but still mean) he sounds...

maybe you need a proper talk, tell him how he is making you feel (cheap, used etc and make sure you use those terms)

don't let him off lghtly to spare his feelings...he isn't really sparing yours, is he ?

Hi goat,

"When he comes to me, he either reads to the dc's while I cook, or will start the food while I'm with the dc's".

Presumably this is your food that you have bought and paid for.He's quite happy to eat your food isn't he?.

The longer you go on making excuses for this man the harder it will be to fully extricate yourself from him.

If this is what he is like after 7 months you just wait till he's got his feet firmly under your table.

You may have escaped one abusive relationship but I wonder if you ever had counselling post this?. I think not actually. If you did not you left yourself wide open to be taken advantage of again. You come across as decent and kind, he is taking unfair advantage of those great attributes big time.

Goatinacoat, perhaps if you summon the nerve to talk to him about it you will discover there is an acceptable reason for his stinginess.
Have to say I am not optimistic about that, though. If he is a decent person he must know his behaviour is not normal--at the very least he must see that you don't treat him the way he treats you with regard to money.

And if it's because he has problems with his finances, surely he would have explained that he has to be very careful at the moment, and why.
You sound like a lovely person, though, and also very strong and sensible. Good luck to you.

Blimey, I actually think he sounds nice. Covent Garden Soup and bread sounds like a lovely meal, and I'd be happy with a pizza. He's kind, nice to the children, etc. He gives to charity and his family. His priority just isn't with food, and perhaps he hasn't even noticed how much food you buy in when he visits.

I live frugally myself, and when I buy a load of reduced stuff from Asda, it isn't because I don't value OH and the children . I just like a bargain. (Yet I regularly give donations to charity.)

You may have different values, but just because he is careful with his money doesn't mean that he's horrible in other areas!

It is very very common for people who have had one abusive partner to make subsequent bad choices ie having got rid of the violent one, they take up with one who's non-violent but subtly controlling, they dump the control freak and the next one's an absolute shagger who can't keep it in his pants (but he's not violent and he's not controlling). After the fannyrat comes the lazyarse cocklodger, etc. WHen you start dating someone that does't man you have to progress to a full-blown relationship, if you decide the person isn't suited to you or has undesirable traits you just bin them and move on. Unfortunately women in particular tend to feel they ought to 'give him a chance' ie let him have a relationship with them because he wants to.

yeah I'd definately talk to him 1st and see if there is a reason for his sudden stingyness?

Also, why do you have a problem bringing it up? What was money like when you were growing up, your M & D etc?

If he knows you have good money, and thinks you've got more than him maybe that is why. I've had guys do this back in the day when I was earning loads....

sgb...this bloke doesn't sound like a classic cocklodger to me

he helps in other ways, with the kids, stuff around the house etc

if he is utterly fantastic apart from this, she might think she should give him a chance but only if she can be brutally honest with him and then he stops being a tightarse

you are right though, if Op has a bad feeling about it (and personally, I would) then she should swerve him

I think there's a big difference between mean and thrifty and you need to work out which he is.

I am very thrifty, I'll cook from scratch, mend things, use freecycle and boot sales, but that's so I can use the money for what I think is important.

He sounds mean, rather than thrifty to me, but I think it's worth a conversation on whether he's saving for some big house renovation or similar before you decide whether to dump him

SGB, your comments are always so spot on.

He's not a cocklodger at all. More than pulls his weight when he's here, even with the less pleasant dc duties. I don't think he expects a certain standard of food etc here, it's just that I want to give that, and probably also that I expect similar in return because it's what I'm used to.

My background was fairly affluent but not rich - we never went without, parents like good quality food and eating in and out is a big part of my family culture. It sounds ridiculous but it does sometimes feel fundamentally like a culture clash with DP. I like a discount as much as anyone, but do it discreetly rather than overtly.

I also know I am micro-analysing everything after last time. I'm petrified of making the same mistake again so my radar is all over the place.

The brutal honesty comes this evening. I really don't know what will happen but I need to air it all.

The thing is, if it were just food, I could let it go and think that he just doesn't prioritise food and that's why he doesn't spend much money on it: low interest but necessary expenditure, therefore buy the cheapest. I have a friend who will buy the cheapest shite in Asda because she really doesn't appreciate good food and doesn't think it's worth paying extra for good quality ingredients. That's not because she's mean, it's because her priority just isn't food. I buy very low quality loo-roll because I figure that wiping my arse is a low interest activity which doesn't require vast amounts of cushioning with pictures on the toilet tissue - my aunt OTOH buys that Charmin stuff because she feels it's important to have soft loo roll. We all have our things which we don't value, so we don't spend much money on.

However... when my friend knows I'm coming over for lunch, she buys stuff from the "special" or "finest" range (bless her, she hasn't a clue), because she knows I like good food and imagines that Tesco finest is something I like (I don't, but that's not the point here). When my aunt comes to visit me, I buy overpriced loo roll that feels like a fucking duvet.

Your DP knows you like good food. But he doesn't make an effort to get you some. That, and the not paying in restaurants, make me think that this is more than just one little blind spot about stuff he doesn't value.

Exactly HB. Not to mention spending precious child-free time traipsing around tracking down bargains.

Hurrah HB - I have that line about loo roll too, but haven't met anyone else in RL who thinks as we do