Help - DP is lovely, but stingy - what can I do about it?

[goatinacoat]

DP and I have been together about 7 months. He's the sweetest, kindest person I know, and I adore him except for one thing - I've recently noticed that he's a bit mean with money and it's starting to become an issue between us. He has to buy everything in sales, or from outlet places, we spend hours traipsing round to find bargains just for the sake of them being bargains and it drives me mad.

He and I alternate weekends between his and mine when XH has the dc's - I always stock the fridge up for his arrival, or get takeaways in, there's plenty of drinks etc. I don't expect him to contribute when he's staying at mine, and I like us to eat well.

However - when I go there, he never has anything in his fridge. His budget is £20 for a week's shopping which would go nowhere in my house. This week's offering was to split a carton of soup with leftover sliced bread, or share a cheap, basic £1.80 pizza. No salad, garlic bread etc. We sometimes end up eating out, but he's started only paying for what he has - ie I had a pizza with coke yesterday, he had tap water so just paid for his pizza when the bill came.

I hate to sound spoiled but I'm not used to this at all (XH, for all his faults, was nothing like this) - it feels awkward and horrible, and I'd far rather pay for the whole meal myself rather than go through this each time. I had started doing that, but then realised how much I was spending on both weekends at mine, and his, and started to resent it.

He has a good job, I know we aren't trying to do anything beyond his means, so it isn't that he can't afford it, it's some ingrained trait that he has. I am probably too much the other way and totally admit that.

What do I do? He's everything lovely that XH wasn't - but I can't live with this on a long term basis. After past experience it's hard to measure what's normal in a relationship - I just know I don't like this but don't know what to do without making it into some massive issue. Help!!

You think he's bad?

I went on a date yonks ago - he boasted how he was numero uno in sales, top income-tax bracket, most prestigious company car in the sales team etc etc.

When it came to the bill - there was a long silence - so I put a large note on the plate - covering my half, a generous tip and hopefully some change.

He pocketed the note, paid by card the exact amount and asked for the receipt to be re-written so that he could claim it all back from his employer!!

Tight as a ducks arse!!

'I think he grew up in a household where there was little money - his mum is definitely thrifty, (but with good reason, she went through a hellish time) It's like he operates on a wartime mentality - rations, and no wastage.'

My dad grew up dirt poor. He was born during the Great Depression and his family were brassic. He remembers the war well.

But he was a child then.

As an adult, he learned himself that unless there's a reason for it, being mean is not a trait most people like.

You can't change him. And it's not your job.

It's his.

Both to recognise and to change.

Move on.

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

"I think he grew up in a household where there was little money - his mum is definitely thrifty, (but with good reason, she went through a hellish time) It's like he operates on a wartime mentality - rations, and no wastage"

My MIL also has this mentality; it is definately engrained from childhood. She is also a tight wad with cash and eats austerily. It is truly an unattractice trait to have.

"I really don't want this to split us up as in other ways I feel more connection to him than anyone I've ever met. He's very open and easy to talk to, it's just a subject I find really uncomfortable discussing".

I think you need to get out more and meet more people actually if you think this man is actually going to enhance your life positively in the longer term. If he is truly that easy to talk to you should be able to talk frankly to him. Something stopped you from discussing this with him earlier.

"He's coming over tonight. Have to deal with this, don't I?"

Yes. If you do not you are a fool to your own self here.

Oh, horsefly! It's a good thing he wasn't on a date with me.

Cuz I'd have gotten some money out of him before never speaking to him again.

cretaceous, you're not far off there. weak

He does give money to his family, and quite a lot to charities every month. I'd feel awful suggesting he cut down there. This is why I'm confused, it's only in selected areas.

Run for the hills and don't look back.
He is like this now after such a short time - not wanting to pay for a coke ffs?! Mean with money = mean with love.

Its a horrible personality trait and he is very unlikely to change.

Goat, there's no room in his life to give to a partner.

That's why he's mean.

You deserve more than this.

Move on.

Goat

He is also not showing your children a good example either. What do they think of this man, their opinion could be very telling here.

Expat - I was too shocked to ask for it back!

Goat,

"He does give money to his family, and quite a lot to charities every month"

Of course he does, have you seen where his money goes exactly?. You are nowhere near being at the top of his list of priorities.

Let him go before he causes you any further misery.

Expat is spot on.

I grew up with an incredibly mean woman (also wartime influence I think). She was also slatternly re housework and a abusive person to boot.

You can't just carry on in the same old vein and say that is the way you were raised. Part of growing up and maturing is making the decision to change things about how you were raised and start living life in a decent way.

OP you seem to be your DP's apologist. Make no mistake mean people do not change. If you stay with him you will constantly have to make up for his shortcoming in this area.

Dc's adore him - he is very good with them, and very giving of his time with them.

I was previously in a mildly emotionally abusive relationship so am hyper-sensitive to other flags - there are none that I can see, other than this odd penny pinching behaviour.

I do need to get out more, I know that!!

Or, horsefly, I had dates with 'I forgot my wallet' types.

So I went ahead and paid up my half, told them I hope they ring a friend to come pay up and left.

Meaness is an instant dealbreaker.

Its not JUST the tightness though is it, theres a lack of consideration and respect. Hes happy for you to shop for nice food and happy to stuff his face at yours but when you go there he offers you half a carton of soup with leftover bread. Thats much more than being tight, its a statement in itself.

That hints of someone with a sense of entitlement and thats never a good thing. I would not be prepared to teach an adult the basics in consideration and respect.

If you dont want to have the conversation, just say its too soon, ect ect. In my experience people who are happy to take advantage like this arent usually very nice.

Exactly, dignified!

Carton of soup and stale bread?

WTF?!

I wouldn't feel happy offering that to a friend.

YYY to dignified's post.

It's the fact that he thinks a carton of soup with some left over bread is Good Enough for you.

Outrageous that it's not even home-made.

He's better than your ex but you deserve much better than this OP

Goat , i once stupidly breifly dated someone like this. He would stay at mine where he would be well fed ect. When i went to his one weekend there was NOTHING in his fridge apart from some frozen broccoli.

He seemed a bit embarressed and stated he was going to pop to the shops. He came back with a sandwhich !! Obviously he knew i was coming so i was a bit miffed, but i wondered if he had been busy , problem with cash ect so let it go .

A few days later on the phone when discussing the weekends plans he actually said to me " Are you going to cook me a roast chicken this weekend " . He also commented that he really had to start eating better , aparently he had lost weight whilst staying at mine and was used to a good diet !!!

The thing is Goat , he knows your coming for the weekend and isnt really making any effort is he , that reflects what he thinks of you.

eww, how mean

you can do better than this

just because your ex was abusive doesn't mean that you should settle for something a little bit less so

if he is like this in the first few months of your r'ship, imagine what life would be like were you to pool finances and live together

swerve this loser

Oh God, I'm so crap at this relationship business.

I feel like I've gone for the opposite of my ex, but not all my ex's traits were bad, iyswim.

Will have the conversation tonight. Feel sick. I know he adores me and I don't want to split with him, but am realistic enough to know this probably won't improve.

Yeah I worried too at the inconsistencies of charity giving and then the cheapo pizza(bleurgh) and half a carton of old soup.

It did strike me as him not putting Goat anywhere near an important position in his life.

I worry where this behaviour would end up going. Goat, if you were to live together, would he start telling you to keep to £20? He sounds way too controlling and has many, many ishoos.

You owe him nothing, literally, just end it tonight.

Its not working for you, blah blah, thanks for everything etc, but it's over.

he doesn't adore you if he gives you tinned soup and stale bread

get that silly thought out of your head

find a man who appreciates you enough to treat you well (within his true budget)

He doesnt adore you goat , he freeloads of you all weekend , he begrudges buying you a coke and hes selfish and inconsiderate. Carton of fucking soup , my arse.

My old dog eats better than that, guzzling 3 large cans of pedigree chum per day and a ton of biscuits , i dont begrudge him and hes a stinky old dog that gets on my nerves half the time !

Forget this idea of adoration, hes getting fed and waited on all wekend while hes at yours , what shit would he be eating at home, what else would he be doing with his time. Hes had a good deal here the cheeky fucker.

Never mind filling the fridge with food and drinks for him, he shouldve been taking you out ! Theres got to be other traits, you might think of them in a few days !

You'd rather put up with this loser than be single?

Goat, do yourself a major favour and give dating a rest for a while.

Get some counselling for people who've gotten away from abusive relationships, focus on developing a great relationship with yourself and your kids, doing hobbies, indulding yourself and putting you and yours first over some relationship.

Then you'll see: you deserve so much more than half a carton of soup and some stale bread and a person who doesn't give your kids a second thought on their birthday.

Besides, I can think of much more fun things to do at weekends then scrounging around trying to find ways to be cheap.

the only way this could work is if (to quote another poster), you could treat him like some very exotic, expensive pet

he must be really, really excellent at sex for this though

is he really excellent at sex ??