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Original poster

DH said there is no way we are having another child, I feel paralysed

154 replies

grapeandlemon · 05/09/2010 07:38

Bit of background DH is considerably older than me by 20 yrs. I never felt the urge for another child after having DD due to PND and birth trauma.

For the first time this month I felt like I could do it again and want to do it again. V quickly. DD is 4 soon. I was happy only having one before this and DD is a v lovely sociable little girl, but something has clicked in me ( I am 32) and feel v strong now.
Only thing is DH says he is too old. He has 3 other children from a previous marriage and says he has had his children and can't work and support another child for the long term. Which I know is reasonable Sad.

I don't suppose there are any answers. I almost feel like splitting up with him but I know that is v unfair and I couldn't just grab another man to breed with, that's not the way it works I want a child with him as I love him.

I hate myself for not considering this with an older man but he just seems and looks so young and healthy. He explained that he can't work forever I know he is right there is just no way around it.

Just getting it out I know there are no answers just wanted some support

OP posts:
thoughtitwasgettingeasier · 05/09/2010 07:56

I am so sorry to read your post.

I dont have any advice Sad

But my Father was recently talking about a similar situation concerning a friend of his.The wife left the friend and got pregnant with anew partner very quickly. My Fathers comment was if you marry a much younger woman its a mistake to ignore the biological imperative she may have to have children and how it wont go away however much you apply the logic of working for years longer etc.

Just thought I would post that wish I had the answer

MarshaBrady · 05/09/2010 07:59

I feel for you. My friend is struggling with this atm. There is no easy answer is there. Sad although you may find the desire for another child gets stronger rather than goes away, it can be very hard to deal with as time passes.

compo · 05/09/2010 08:00

Tbh I understand his reasons
he's already got four children, he's 52 and doesn't want to work until goodness knows when
do you work? If not as a compromise could you offer to go back to work now your dd is school age and maybe he'll come round if your career meant he could retire earlier iyswim
so you have no 2 but you go back to work asap to help him out
apologies if you already work

mumblechum · 05/09/2010 08:03

I can sympathise with both of you, tbh, of course you'll want to have another child, but sadly sometimes that doesn't happen for people for lots of different reasons, and it doesn't mean that the child you do have will miss out. It depends who you'd be having a second child for, tbh - even if you got pregnant now, there'd be a five year age gap. My sister is five years older than me and we were never close because of that - both of us felt like we were only children in a way.

Your dh is, leaving all the emotional stuff aside, right to be thinking twice about becoming a father again at his age. Friends of ours who are similar to yours were recently a bit Sad that although the husband's long term plan was always to retire at around 58 (he's a headteacher), with his new son only 4, he's going to have to keep on going for another twenty years.

I do, however, see that you are very upset about the possibility of not having another child. A previous poster pointed out that an older man can't ignore the fact that a much younger woman will want to have children, but equally the younger woman can't ignore the fact that a much older man quite possibly won't want to keep on having children well into middle age.

Original poster
grapeandlemon · 05/09/2010 08:07

Thank you for your responses. I am very upset and just can't see how this feeling will go away. I was never really a broody person before but god this is strong. I am trying to work out ways in my head how it could work. But it's not fair to badger him is it? ESP that we have had one dd who is my life I love her so much. I don't want to make his life a bloody misery.

OP posts:
Original poster
grapeandlemon · 05/09/2010 08:10

Thank you for your honesty mumble I need honesty. I wish I could stop being unreasonable.

OP posts:
QS · 05/09/2010 08:12

A totally different perspective.

In twenty years, your dd will be 24, with a 72 year old dad. You will still be a spring chicken, and in all likelyhood outlive your husband by many years.

It is not fair of him to deny you the pleasure of another child who at some point will grow into an adult companion, and to deny your daughter a sibling who might grow into a great friend and support to your daughter as her parents grow old and frail.

In old age, you will not have your husband to rely on.

Sorry to be blunt.

I am personally in the predicament of having young children, and old, sick and disabled parents. If I did not have my sister to offload to, I would have lost my mind. (Mum with alzheimers, father paralyzed in a wheelchair after a stroke)

It is 13 years between me and my sister, yet she has become my best friend and support over the years.

It is unfair of your husband to refuse another child, just because he might want to take early retirement and enjoy old age, you are not ready for that! He should have thought about this when marrying a young woman, I agree!

QS · 05/09/2010 08:15

Btw, my father was 45 when I was born. 52 is not old. If he is fit and healthy, it is not old.

MarshaBrady · 05/09/2010 08:27

There isn't any other feeling like it is there? So strong and all encompassing, it will be hard to ignore. You are not being unreasonable to feel this way.

There is a four year gap here and the two are very close (although still young of course).

mumblechum · 05/09/2010 08:28

Bumping for you. What do you think of compo's suggestion re. work?

Original poster
grapeandlemon · 05/09/2010 08:43

I do work pt but in my career unlikely to have the earni g power to be the breadwinner. At least dd has a wonderful relationship with her half siblings they are v close. I was not well enough to have another after dd as pnd was off the scale. Hate myself for it now, dh would have considered it when she was a year old but I was in a bad way. I don't think 5 yr gap is a problem but timing for him is wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
grapeandlemon · 05/09/2010 08:47

Thank you qs that was a very thought provoking post indeed.

OP posts:
diddl · 05/09/2010 09:27

How old are his others & how much longer will he be responsible for them?

Unless he is in a position to retire early he will be working for the next 13yrs anyway?

You will only be mid forties & cabable of working.

PYT · 05/09/2010 09:32

I do feel for you.

My DH is 13 years older than me - he is in his late 40s now - and we have two children under five. He has said absolutely no more. I would love to have a third, but I can totally see why my DH doesn't want to.

It's difficult, but the way I see it, if the man that I love and that I married really, really doesn't want any more children, then that's the way it is and I just have to accept it with good grace.

I do think it is worth thrashing it out with him properly first, though. We have had several deep discussions about it - all very calm, very civilised - where we have both laid on the line how we feel, our concerns etc. I think if I fel;t desperate about the situation, DH may (just may) have changed his mind. But as it stands, his feelings against are stronger than my feelings for, iyswim.

Does he know exactly how strongly you feel?

QS · 05/09/2010 09:34

PYT, you have two children.

Original poster
grapeandlemon · 05/09/2010 09:42

Thanks pyt but you have two children.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 05/09/2010 09:45

The other issue is your PND. There's a chance it can come back, sadly. At his age, he might not be able to cope with another baby whilst you are ill.

It's a valid concern. I have had PND myself. Unfortunately, it returned every time. DH had a vasectomy and I use NuvaRing because it's really not a good idea for us to have any more children.

I'm 39, but you know, I would be way too old at 52 to have a newborn unless I could afford to outsource a lot of the job.

When you two married, did you agree to only one child?

Really, the two of you need to talk some more and if not you need to get some counselling to determine what decision is best for the two of you.

tartyhighheels · 05/09/2010 09:49

Do you also not think that he is scared you will be ill with pnd again? A loved one being so unwell leaves their partner feeling unable to help and when the clouds clear and you recover they need time to get over it too. He probably fee;s bad to tell you this, I know I would because he may worry about making you feel guilty for being poorly, when in fact he is just voicing his fears for you.

Personally I do feel if you want another child then he should try to accommodate this and talking this through thoroughly in essential, it is not badgering him, the issues need to be aired properly for you two to make a proper decision about what you should do.

Original poster
grapeandlemon · 05/09/2010 09:55

Thank you expat. Yes pnd effectively ruined the first year. I didn't feel broody until now so maybe this was the reason. I know dh points are really valid, he is so full on at work he can't take time off or anything like that. It just seems quite hopeless. I have been asking him tentatively today but he is still saying no, I am too old.

OP posts:
TheUnmentioned · 05/09/2010 10:07

I can only imagine how youre feeling, it must be heart breaking.

I know that you should have taken it into consideration when you got together etc etc as should he but at the end of the day we dont always live our lives sensibly do we? You fell in love as did he and youd never been a broody person, it would have been bizarre for you to go into too much detail at the outset imo especially when you could never have foreseen the PND and all its outcomes.

Im just saying the above because there is no point going through the could haves, it will only make things harder for you.

If you got pregnant right now, dh would be 53 when it was born, that isnt that old but I can understand that he would feel he may have to work until it was 16 / 18.

I just dont know what to tell you, I think you need to sit down with him and have a proper chat about it, really tell him how youre feeling and how much it is affecting you. Tell him you want another child but understand his reasons for not agreeing BUT that you will need help to work thorugh this, its not something you can just move on from easily.

Also, has dd just started school? If so do you think its just a passing 'empty nest' broodiness?

jabberwocky · 05/09/2010 10:15

Dh said this after ds1. He is 16 years older than I am. I thought I was going to lose my mind as I felt SO strongly that I wanted and needed another child. I did finally convince him how desperately I wanted ds2. He agrees now that ds2 was one of the best things we ever did even though having a second one is a lot more work and that does come up now and again.

And I agree with other posters. He should realize that this comes with the territory of marrying a much younger woman.

Original poster
grapeandlemon · 05/09/2010 11:02

It is really comforting to know some of you understand.

OP posts:
MarshaBrady · 05/09/2010 11:14

I think it does help for someone to say this must hurt. Yes it is strong and rabbit-light inducing. Because then you can start cobble together how you might approach the next stage.

And agree with the you can't have known comments. It is not possible to predict, so try not to feel bad about not having another earlier. You are still young ( even if your dh doesn't feel up to it).

skidoodly · 05/09/2010 11:25

He has "had hischildren"?

Charming.

There is no place for unilateral decisions about children in a happy marriage.

His feelings on this are not more important than yours.

expatinscotland · 05/09/2010 11:55

'And I agree with other posters. He should realize that this comes with the territory of marrying a much younger woman.'

On the other hand, things can come with the territory when you marry a much older person, particularly one who has children from a previous relationship/marriage.

If the woman were the older one, then it's a given often that a man has to forgo having children with her due to Mother Nature.

Really, there's no right or wrong or hers are more important than his feelings, etc.

Both the pro and the con are valid.

That's why this is something best sorted out between the couple via discussion or even counselling, rather than an internet forum.

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