DH said there is no way we are having another child, I feel paralysed

[grapeandlemon]

Bit of background DH is considerably older than me by 20 yrs. I never felt the urge for another child after having DD due to PND and birth trauma.

For the first time this month I felt like I could do it again and want to do it again. V quickly. DD is 4 soon. I was happy only having one before this and DD is a v lovely sociable little girl, but something has clicked in me ( I am 32) and feel v strong now.
Only thing is DH says he is too old. He has 3 other children from a previous marriage and says he has had his children and can't work and support another child for the long term. Which I know is reasonable .

I don't suppose there are any answers. I almost feel like splitting up with him but I know that is v unfair and I couldn't just grab another man to breed with, that's not the way it works I want a child with him as I love him.

I hate myself for not considering this with an older man but he just seems and looks so young and healthy. He explained that he can't work forever I know he is right there is just no way around it.

Just getting it out I know there are no answers just wanted some support

No, but OPs feelings are not more important than her husband´s either, surely?

Especially as there are the added issues of PND and its possibility. As someone who's had this condition, this is something that does need to be taken into account, because it can recur (asking to see a psychiatric consultant is the way to go towards assessing this risk, but I can say even with treatment there are still effects for some), and then the work/job situation.

Again, I know a lot of people in their early 50s who are doing all they can to hang onto their jobs just now and things don't bode well for the economy in the near future.

When I was the chief earner, I came to understand fully how much pressure it can be.

Honestly, would he be amenable to seeing a counsellor to hash things out?

Thanks expat you understand from all angles. At present he is saying if wexhad another he would just raise his children then die : / and he wants some peace and retirement time. So he is just saying no no albeit in a nice way. I haven't asked about a councellor as I don't want him to start getting fucked off with me and it's his b day tomorrow ....

Grape, this does sound like a sudden change for you, you say it was only this month that you felt like this. I would imagine that your dh would have accepted you previous strong feelings and so it must be a bit of a surprise to him that you have changed your mind so quickly. Even if he does eventually agree with you, he does not have the 'benefit' of his hormones kicking him, so it may take him much, much longer to get hos head around the concept. I would guess that trying to pressurise him now might have the effect of making him more resolute in his current view.

Fwiw I had a similar experience to you with my dh (dc from a previous relationship). I got incredibly broddy and would have had another at the drop of a hat. However, we spent a long time talking about the impact on EVERYONE in the family - all the different dcs, him, me, our current lives, our future, grandparents etc. It was not an easy time and not an easy decision but we decided together that we would NOT have another. Yes, it was difficult for me at times, my biological clock was sending me haywire. But we agreed it together. It is what we did because we love each other. And 99.9% of the time I am really glad we made that decision. We are enjoying our lives, we are supporting each other, and we are giving time and attention to the dcs that already exist.

Never easy, so good luck.

hmm if he's a Virgo I don't know how flexible he'll be!
Seriously though, I have a 50 yo dh and I had to fight hard to persuade him we should have a second- ds is 5, dd is ten months. In the end, the second child was really becoming a dealbreaker for me and I can understand EXACTLY how you are feeling at the moment. Though I did not suffer PND the period after ds was born was pretty hard going for both of us. I also see your dh's pov, I think having children v late in life is tiring and difficult, and I know in some ways my dh would rather be living the quieter and more financially secure life he envisaged. On the other hand, he was overjoyed when dd was born and loves her very deeply, and she has brought more joy to his life than he imagined. He can also see that ds is very happy to have a younger sibling (mostly!!!) and that I feel far more relaxed and happy now I am not fretting and sighing over the desire to have a second baby. I am just so pleased we resolved the issue and had the second child because I know I would have felt hollow without her, and I don't know how I could have filled the void.
I'd love a big brood but I'm realistic enough to see that we are too poor- dh's age is an issue, but not as big an issue as the finances.
Anyway, that's all me, not you, just wanted to show that an intractable man can sometimes be moved from his position.
Talk, talk, talk...go to a counsellor if you have to. I think you have to fight for this baby. If you've given it your all and he won't budge then you're still pretty young, you can consider whether it's really a dealbreaker for you or not.

Somebody here once said:

You only regret the children you dont have, you dont regret the children you do have.

I think there is a lot of wisdom in that.

What is he suggesting you do while he enjoys his retirement? Enjoy retirement with him? You are far to young for that? Work? Travel the world? (on a pension?)

Why is his right to retirement more important than how you feel?

You are still young enough to move on and find another man where you can both have the amount of children you want, and a partner for life. This way, he can enjoy his old age and retirement, and you can enjoy family life.

Couples often split because they realize they want different things in life. Maybe this is just one of these things. Maybe his age is a red herring.

HE has many children, and does not want more. You have only ONE child, and want more.

Good God, QS! They love each other and are married.

Surely they should do some serious talking and counselling before throwing in the towel.

She may come to the conclusion she doesn't want another child, he may come the conclusion he does, through talking and maybe some counselling.

They have a child together, fgs.

She never mentioned his retiring, just his issues with supporting four children, a perfectly valid issue, IMO.

And there are many people who regret having children.

Bit of a double standard on here - there've been more than a few threads on here from female OPs who are past childbearing age or sterilised with younger men and the overwhelming consensus that if he loves her enough he'll forgo having children.

Yet when the shoe's on the other foot all of the sudden he's a bastard?

She was very ill after having a child.

That's terrifying for all parties concerned!

He may have felt frightened and very sad he couldn't help her more.

Who knows?

Really bang out of order just to suggest she ditches a husband she loves when it's entirely possible the pair of them can work something out.

No one is saying how a child would feel about having a very old dad.

It's easy to take sides on behalf of the mother or father, but perhaps you should think of it from the prospective child's perspective, eg having a 60 year old dad collecting from reception school.

I agree with QS. If he cannot budge on this the OP will regret never having another child and will come to resent her dh for that anyway, which does not bode well for their future together.

It sounds like OP really really wants another child and this urge is not going to simple go away with a bit of counselling.

Mumbelchum I know a guy who had a child in his mid sixties and he picks her up every day fron school, he is a very fit and attractive man still, in his seventies now. He keeps fit and looks after himself and looks a lot better than some of the 40 something year old dads at the school gate!

I regret having children. Often.

So there.

'You'll never regret the children you have' is bullshit.

If I could go back in time knowing what I know now I'd never have had children.

They're here now, so such is life and I make the most of it.

But I know plenty of others who feel the same.

Well can I just say that I don´t have as many children as I would have wanted, and although it hurt for a while, I am thankful for what I have & do not regret "the children I didn´t have"

Can I share my history with you? I'm 38, DH is 16 years older than me, with 2 DC's from 1st marriage. When we got together, he said from the outset he didn't want any more children, which was fine with me. Until I got broody, we talked loads about it and DS1 was born in 2002. Slowly, slowly I started to feel broody again, even though DH was adamant he was too old etc - kind of where you are now I think - eventually, I got pregnant with DS2 who was 2 last week. I'm not telling you this to give you false hope, but I think you need to both be absolutely honest with each other. For us, DH realised my happiness was more important than his age.

I sympathise with you OP but just want to add some balance to the conversation.

Even if age/ retirement wasn't his reason, I do think he has a right NOT to want anymore kids, just as you have a right to want more. There are all sorts of valid reasons for not wanting kids.

I can't help thinking that if it was your husband wanting more kids and you not, people would be coming on here saying how selfish he is for wanting to chain you to the kitchen sink while you want your independance back. These threads do seem to be pretty biased towards the woman.

It's a bit OTT for people to suggest leaving him.

The thing is, if you do get your own way, dh may feel resentful. Also, you might get resentful if he's not pulling his weight with the new child as you think he should. But you'll always have to remember that he was against it from the start.

I'm not wanting to be mean...I feel for you, I really do, but just wanted to add some balance to the thread. Some of the posts are aimed at making you think dh is being unreasonable, when IMHO he's not.

Good luck.

Think very hard about this. Until a couple of weeks ago, i'd be on the side of encouraging you to convince him to have another, however I've just got back from spending 2 weeks in france with my parents.

My mum is in her late 50's, and really struggled with DS. In the last 2 years, she's started getting arthritis (sp?) in her left hand, making gripping difficult, her knees and back mean lifting him at 8 months is hard for her. It was ok because we were there and apart for the occasional 30 mins or so, she wasn't in sole charge of him, but I can see she'd find it hard if she was.

And this is a woman who 5 years ago I'd say was very fit and healthy (and she still is relatively to others her age, never smoked, hardly drinks, eats v v healthy diet and still does a lot of exercise). But the reality is that early to late 50's can be a dramatic change.

If you do have a DC2, you need to do so with your eyes wide open that he will not be able to do 50% of the care.

And before this DC is at uni age, you might be your DH's carer.

My dh is also 52 and I'm much younger (late 20s). He has 2 dc from first marriage and we have ds (17mo). I'm lucky in that he wants more children so that's not a problem for me but I know that I will have to be the main breadwinner once he retires (at the moment I only work pt too and he earns loads more than me). Also I can see that in 5/10yrs time then he may well want to cut down his days if possible and I'll have to increase mine. That'll mean I'll see less of ds (hopefully dc by then!) but the upside for the dc is that they will still have 1 parent at home most of the time.

It has however got to be a decision for both of you and I can see that if he thinks that he will have to go on working for ages in order to support then 5 children (though presumably his older children won't need support for that long?) and thinks you'll have pnd then I can see that would be stressful for him. I think you need to work out ways in which you would be able to take on more of the responsibility for earning as the children grow up - different career options etc and also emphasis that he would then be able to be at home and enjoy the dc more.

Good luck with whatever you decide

Well, just to throw something else into the mix, one of the reasons I wanted another child is that I grew up as the daughter of two only children. My parents really struggled with all of the decisions and responsibility of taking care of their parents. I really did not want ds1 to shoulder that burden alone.

Oh, and I had horrible PN PTSD after ds1. With ds2 I had my therapist on board as well as a high-risk specialist OB and everything went fine. In fact, having ds2 and the much better birth helped resolve a lot of issues from ds1's birth. I know that may not be true for everyone, just my experience.

Hi, I know how you feel, to some extent at least. My dh is 10yrs older and when we got together neither of us wanted children, then years later when I hit my 30s I changed my mind, it took 2 years to change his mind.

My ds is 4 years old and at times I have struggled with not having another, but after much soul searching have accepted and appreciate my life with one child. I have to say I agreed to only one child when she was concieved and feel it would be wrong to 'force' him into the responsibility of another child.

I did have to come to terms with other people implying my ds would miss out by being an only child and still have some niggles but have to admit once I worked through both dh and my reasons I came to the conclusion that if someone be it the man or woman says no more, it should be accepted, at least give yourself some time to think the implications through, you are still young enough.

In saying this I totally get how upsetting the situation is and how it can turn you against your partner no matter how much you love them and how good your relationship is.

Thank you everyone again. It has helped so much to read everyones thoughts and to see how many other Women in similar marriages (why aren't you living near me everyone here is 35 with 2.4 children!!!!) this is something I just can't talk about with friends or family.

lindsell you are in a an almost identical situation age wise, has your DH always agreed to more than one? That is great that you both came to a good decision. We have quite a large mortgage and it would be really hard for me to cover it all on my wage. DH is a big earner now but after his retirement it will be all over and we would need a roof over our heads after all. He is very practical and wants it all to be comfortable and planned to the last dollar (Virgo).

expat your posts really are spot on you really seem to understand what I am going through emotionally. I am so angry at myself for having PND and at early times (ironically now) I regretted having DD in the blur of panic and misery of it all. I also feel a failure for nearly dying at the birth and having PND. I think DH found it all really upsetting and yes the Partners have to be on hand for massive support when you are in that state. If I had sailed through it he would probably felt differently and I really hate myself for that.

I don't know what the answer is. I am on here a lot so will always update you on what we decided. I suspect I will not have another child because I don't want to make his life a misery and he is being really clear about how he feels. zenzam I was you 6m ago and will probably be back in a happy place in 6m time when I have come to terms with it all.

This has been really lovely but bitter sweet to get my feelings out there.

Grapes, I barely remember the first 18 months of DD1's life, I was so ill. There are plenty of us like that on here!

But one thing I learned in therapy is that not being kind to myself isn't going to help and can be very self-destructive, which affects the entire family.

It might be worthwhile for you to get some more counselling about your feelings now the PND is gone, before conceiving again or trying to conceive again if you decide to do so.

It's best to work through these feelings of hating yourself and being unable to forgive yourself because it's not good for your over-all well-being, IYKWIM.

You deserve to be happy to the max with the family you've created, no matter what!

:)

You are a sweetie. So true about getting over it all. I hope it all works out, just have to count my blessings for now x

I don't think my having two children makes it massively different for me than the OP. It is about the longing/need for another child, isn't it?

grapeandlemon, I also had crushing PND with my first, by the way, and ill health all the way along with both pregnancies. It does sound like some counselling would do you the power of good. You sound quite down on yourself. PND can leave you with awful guilt (I know it did with me).

I am not saying she should leave him. I am querying whether this is a case similar to realizing that you have grown apart, if this is a dealbreaker in the relationship. If so, the age is a red herring, they simply want different things in life, and need to recognise this.

We still dont know if the OP works, will be able to work.

It is a big difference if she is a sahm, as he may then be looking forward to retirement where he is just with her and their child.

If she is working, is he suggesting she takes early retirement, or will she continue to work? In either case, if the op also has a career and an income, this will alleviate his fears that he cant support his children when he retire, as she has not retired yet.

She already said she works PT and her child has a good relationship with her siblings from her father's previous marriage.

This OP has fallout from having PND it could be very beneficial to work through, anyway, before even thinking of conceiving again because, whilst it's possible not to have a recurrence, it's possible to have recurrence.

This isn't about retirement. She's not mentioned that anywhere.

It's about support for children when you're in your 50s, at a time when it's possible to fall ill. It may not happen, but the likelihood of illness does rise with age.

It's an entirely valid concern among others this couple needs to work out on their own and together.

So she should just overlook her own yearning for another child?