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Original poster

DH said there is no way we are having another child, I feel paralysed

154 replies

grapeandlemon · 05/09/2010 07:38

Bit of background DH is considerably older than me by 20 yrs. I never felt the urge for another child after having DD due to PND and birth trauma.

For the first time this month I felt like I could do it again and want to do it again. V quickly. DD is 4 soon. I was happy only having one before this and DD is a v lovely sociable little girl, but something has clicked in me ( I am 32) and feel v strong now.
Only thing is DH says he is too old. He has 3 other children from a previous marriage and says he has had his children and can't work and support another child for the long term. Which I know is reasonable Sad.

I don't suppose there are any answers. I almost feel like splitting up with him but I know that is v unfair and I couldn't just grab another man to breed with, that's not the way it works I want a child with him as I love him.

I hate myself for not considering this with an older man but he just seems and looks so young and healthy. He explained that he can't work forever I know he is right there is just no way around it.

Just getting it out I know there are no answers just wanted some support

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 05/09/2010 19:14

FGS, QS! Have you just not read any posts on here, including the OPs?

Sometimes one's yearnings aren't the best thing for them or their families.

It happens all the time.

So when there are issues like this, it's best to be rational and reasonable and work with a professional to figure out what's best for your personal situation.

Things like having had PND, finances, energy levels, they're all important when considering family size, just as important as yearnings, particularly in a situation like this.

Hence, why a lot of people are suggesting serious discussions with her spouse and possibly with a counsellor, on her own and together if possible.

sorrento56 · 05/09/2010 19:18

I hardly remember the first year of ds's life as I was ill with PND. Same goes for all my children really. I regret having children sometimes but not just for my sake, but for theirs.

expatinscotland · 05/09/2010 19:19

DH desperately wanted a 4th child for a while.

But we can't afford it and with my age and mental health issues, he had to forgo his yearning.

QS · 05/09/2010 19:19

Can you please wind your neck in, Expat, and stop FGS'ing me all the time? I find you very hostile and aggressive at the moment.

expatinscotland · 05/09/2010 19:21

Hide the thread then, QS. Because the OP doesn't share your opinion, and you're starting to sound completely irrational on this thread.

Before you came back on, this was a very level-headed discussion.

dizietsma · 05/09/2010 19:23

OP, I think you should bear in mind that the advice given here is heavily influenced by each poster's personal circumstances and is therefore not entirely unbiased. I get the impression that there are people with strong views from both perspectives, which can be useful, but is ultimately about their own issues, not yours.

You are allowed to feel the way you feel, and your husband too. You have to understand that there will reach a point when you are unable to have any more children, and you need to be sure when you reach it that you wont be filled with bitterness, anger and regret. For this reason I think that the pair of you need to work this out with a couples counsellor, as it could seriously affect your relationship for the worse if left unaddressed.

Please do not rely solely on MN to sort this out.

expatinscotland · 05/09/2010 19:23

Sorry to read that, sorrento. I know how that feels.

Have you been able to get some counselling, too?

It really helped me.

It's amazing how long it's possible to hang onto feelings of self-loathing and not forgiving oneself for having had PND, and how insidious it can be in your family life.

QS · 05/09/2010 19:25

You are saying my posts are not wanted on this thread?

sorrento56 · 05/09/2010 19:26

I have had counselling, expat. I am trying to be a better mum. I just worry I am not good enough. My dh has had enough of the depression too.

expatinscotland · 05/09/2010 19:27

I'm saying the OP doesn't share your opinion that I'm hostile and aggressive.

This is not about you and me, but you're continuing to make it so.

So carry on trying . . .

expatinscotland · 05/09/2010 19:27

Oh, sorrento! Are you still on ADs? It can be such a rollercoaster.

sorrento56 · 05/09/2010 19:29

Yes I am. I have had a few days last month when I didn't feel they were helping and I really want to change them as I have put 2 stone on since I was on them and just can't lose it.

expatinscotland · 05/09/2010 19:30

Please get them changed! If you're not seeing a consultant, ask for a referral, it's worth waiting for the appointment.

Sertraline made me pile on the pounds.

QS · 05/09/2010 19:30

Dizietsma is making a very good point.

I think some of us are maybe associating a little too much with themselves and their own circumstances.

PND can be crippling, as both you and I know expat, but it can be overcome. Especially if aware of the problem beforehand. It is also something most women recover from.

sorrento56 · 05/09/2010 19:34

My GP doesn't believe it is the tablets causing the weight gain.

expatinscotland · 05/09/2010 19:38

Of course it can be overcome, just as it can be a one-off. But it may be a reason why the OP's spouse is reluctant, and the OP is still feeling feelings of unhappiness about the first year of her child's life.

Important issues that should be worked through no matter what for the family to be as happy as possible

Plenty of posters have stated that when there are impasses like this it's best to work through them as a couple, preferably with some professional help, to get to the bottom of things, clear things up for both and come to a joint decision that's best.

expatinscotland · 05/09/2010 19:39

What some drugs do is cause appetite increase, or, the drugs may not be working for you or working optimally for you.

Comfort eating is associated with depression, so is excessive fatigue, which can also be a factor in weight gain.

Can you see another GP at your practice? Or get a referral?

sorrento56 · 05/09/2010 19:42

I have always had food issues and have comfort ate but recently have tried to not do so. I also am incredibly tired most of the time. I am due to see him at Christmas just for me to say I am fine and him to give me more tablets. Last time I saw him I could barely keep the tears in but just said I was fine. I was upset about something rather than it being a low moment iyswim.

Lulumaam · 05/09/2010 19:48

I do agree with expat wholeheartedly

it is easy to be glib and say you will only regret the child you don't have etc etc..

the reality is, that bringing a life into the world, especially when one partner is reluctant, needs careful consideration and the decision has ot be based on more than yearnings and feeligns

you say you hate yourself for not conisdering this , so maybe some of this upset/anger/paralysis is because you know you kind of avoided thinking about this ?

he's 52. grandparent age for lots of people

with 3 odler children and a 4 year old

you knew his age , you knew he has other children.. it is easy to be pragmatic as an outsider, but i don't believe in trying to bully /force / cajole someone into having more children

if you cannot get past this, and the need and yearning for a child is stronger than your love for him, you need to get out sooner rather than later

it depends whether not having more children will become a deal breaker 10 years dwon the line when it really is too late for oyu to have more

Maria2007loveshersleep · 05/09/2010 20:12

I feel for you grapeandlemon, it's a hard situation to be in, and I would suspect increasingly common in our time when people are having children later in life.

The others have covered most points I would make. I don't feel I have something to add- having this second child or not having it are both perfectly valid choices, for different reasons. Don't feel there's the right answer in this situation, because there isn't.

The only thing I would like to add is that if you & DH as a couple make the decision to go ahead & have a second child, it would be incredibly helpful given-
a) your past PND and
b) his age / lack of energy / reluctance to have a 2nd child
to work out whether you could get some ongoing help eg mother's help or part time nanny at least for the first year. Would you be able to afford something like that?

I suspect it might take the burden off him (up to a point) if he didn't feel he has to look after this new baby 50% of the time. Particularly since he doesn't really want another baby, and yet you do, coming to some sort of compromise like that might help. Plus it might help with your PND to have some guaranteed help & rest time...

QS · 05/09/2010 20:17

I second what Maria is saying about getting help on board.

When I was frying my brains with pnd, (I ran out of the house at 4 am one morning, or I did not run as I was struck by spd, I hobbled, to the car, ready to find a lorry to crash into head on) we got a cleaner, and an au pair. It was a life saver. The au pair would help me in the mornings getting the kids up, and dressed, and our oldest ready for school, and she would take him, while I stayed home with the baby. Or I took the oldest to school while au pair was with the baby. And again, she helped at pick up times, during dinner and bed time.

expatinscotland · 05/09/2010 20:17

Aw, sorrento. Please see either him or another doctor at your practice asap.

You need to try another drug from the sounds of it, but please don't hold back.

You deserve better than feeling like this!

Lulumaam · 05/09/2010 20:20

help on board is one thing, it is short term, the baby then becomes a toddler, a child , a pre teen, a teen and so on.. it is not just about the baby part is it? it is about the next 18 at least years. which for a man of 52 , is a big deal and i am not surprised he is having massive reservations.

Maria2007loveshersleep · 05/09/2010 20:23

It's true that it's not just the baby part.

But for many people it's the baby/toddler bit that's incredibly hard, energy draining & feels daunting. And some people find it hard to admit they don't enjoy the baby/toddler stage & would prefer to be a bit less hands on at that point (if it means avoiding PND).

It often gets physically easier (if not mentally easier) with older children.

mumblechum · 05/09/2010 20:27

I agree with Lulumama. I also think people are just ignoring how tough it can be for a child to have a very old parent. One of ds's friend's dad is 67, the boy's 15 and I've actually heard him refer to his dad as his grandad because he feels so embarrassed about it.