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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH said there is no way we are having another child, I feel paralysed

154 replies

grapeandlemon · 05/09/2010 07:38

Bit of background DH is considerably older than me by 20 yrs. I never felt the urge for another child after having DD due to PND and birth trauma.

For the first time this month I felt like I could do it again and want to do it again. V quickly. DD is 4 soon. I was happy only having one before this and DD is a v lovely sociable little girl, but something has clicked in me ( I am 32) and feel v strong now.
Only thing is DH says he is too old. He has 3 other children from a previous marriage and says he has had his children and can't work and support another child for the long term. Which I know is reasonable Sad.

I don't suppose there are any answers. I almost feel like splitting up with him but I know that is v unfair and I couldn't just grab another man to breed with, that's not the way it works I want a child with him as I love him.

I hate myself for not considering this with an older man but he just seems and looks so young and healthy. He explained that he can't work forever I know he is right there is just no way around it.

Just getting it out I know there are no answers just wanted some support

OP posts:
skidoodly · 05/09/2010 21:55

The point about having more than one child to share the burden of the elderly parent is about the mother in this situation, not the father.

The OP is almost certainly going to survive her husband by many years. She will be left alone with only one child to help care for her in her old age.

Her DH's dotage isn't the only one that matters. He will be surrounded by his four children (he had his kids, as he pointed out) and wife, but his widow and her child will just have each other. That's worth taking into consideration.

MrsTittleMouse · 05/09/2010 21:59

You can get over yearnings. I have been struggling a great deal over whether to have another child. The desire for a third has been much greater than the desire was for a second, strangely enough. Maybe because there isn't going to be a third. It is like a switch being thrown in your head, isn't it? But it would be stupid for us to risk everything that we have, no matter how lovely another baby would be.

I have to think about everyone in the family - not only would DH and my parents be taking on a lot to help me through the pregnancy and aftermath of the birth, my existing children would be losing their Mum for the duration. I feel bad enough that DD1 didn't have a "proper" mother when I had DD2, I couldn't put her through that again.

For us, the best thing was when DH admitted that he also thought about a third, and longed for one, even though he was dead set against the idea because of the risks to me. Knowing that he understood was fantastic and we could talk about it and get it out of my system.

ColdComfortFarm · 05/09/2010 22:01

Kids should never be born to be our slaves as we slide into dementia or whatever! I'm not breeding future carers! This girl has three siblings to help support her emotionally, and talking about how grapes should have more children to act as unpaid geriatric care is just ridiculous IMO. She had her dd young so her daughter will also be quite old when she is old, and will prob also have her own partner and family as well as her siblings. She'll be fine!

ColdComfortFarm · 05/09/2010 22:02

I think the idea that the OP's daughter will have 'nobody' when she is older is mad. She had three siblings!

Original poster
grapeandlemon · 05/09/2010 22:03

Thank you CCF so, so true! Your posts have meant a lot. With that I will put this thread and myself to bed.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 05/09/2010 22:05

And you know, he might come around!

ColdComfortFarm · 05/09/2010 22:09

Goodnight! If you talk honestly about your feelings your husband might change his mind, but if not, you have a man who loves you, a gorgeous, healthy little girl, and you are all part of a big, loving family, and that sounds pretty marvellous to me. I hope it works out for you all.

mamatomany · 05/09/2010 22:11

What I am on about grapeandlemon is when she has to wipe your arse for the 5th time that day, or pay somebody to do it for you it might be nice to have somebody to share the burden, if her step siblings are likely to be around and in her life after their father has died then great she has that already if not DH's experience is it's not much fun.
And no children shouldn't ever be born for any other reason than you want them, I got the impression you did Hmm but heck they are born as spare kidney's for their siblings in some cases.

swallowedAfly · 05/09/2010 22:21

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dizietsma · 05/09/2010 22:38

It's not dramatic to talk of resenting or being bitter towards a partner who you feel has prevented you from having as many children as you would like. Lots of marriages break down over such matters, and whilst it may not seem important to you swallowedafly, perhaps that's because you've come to terms with having an only. And that's great for you. But not everyone feels like you, and their feelings are as valid as yours.

mollycuddles · 05/09/2010 23:05

Many of us are just bringing our experiences to your dilemma - not sure how helpful that is. My only advice it that in a period of years of desiring dc3 I tried to deny my feelings - comfort ate, suffered depression, got a puppy, bought a convertible. I was so miserable but never faced it and dealt with it. That was damaging. I'm sure I could have learned to accept it better if I'd been honest with myself. Even if he really can't be persuaded don't deny your feelings. Good luck.

swallowedAfly · 05/09/2010 23:14

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dizietsma · 05/09/2010 23:18

I'm sorry to have made assumptions, and agree that giving it time to see if it will pass is wise. But what if it doesn't? Then it's something to discuss in counselling, and really get to the bottom of to prevent later problems in the relationship.

ilovemydogandMrObama · 05/09/2010 23:22

If this was the first time you felt up to it, then presumably it's the first time you've mentioned it to your DH?

Seems like early days, and maybe he has underestimated how much you want another child?

swallowedAfly · 05/09/2010 23:22

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SpareRoomSleeper · 05/09/2010 23:26

I havn't read all of the thread, only upto page two, and someone said something about nobody thinking about how the child would feel having an old dad.

My dad was 53 and mum 43 when I was born, and I think it has a massive effect on a child.

Growing up, I really wished I had younger parents, and that wish developed into a real need when I was older, and is still there, at the age of 26. But my mum is 70 and dad 80 now. I hardly had a close relationship with my father, and although I have a DD, he has no real interest or energy for her, as he stays poorly and distracted most of the time. Poor mum tries really hard with DD but due to arthritis and diabetes, she is unable to truly "look after" DD, and I can tell that even holding DD when shes in one of her boisterous moods drains her very quickly.
I live in another city to my parents, and my father is unable to travel and visit us. Mum cant visit because she cares for him around the clock.
I feel truly awful and guilyy feeling or thinking this, and I would never admit it in RL, but Ive always felt that at the age of 26, I should have younger parents. Parents who can come and visit, and spend quality time with DD, and be a part of our lives properly.

I had DD at 24, nearly 25, and love how I can play and run with her, and enjoy her energy.

OP, Im sorry if Ive depressed you, I just wanted to give you a potential childs perspective.

ilovemydogandMrObama · 05/09/2010 23:33

My dad was killed in a car crash when he was 41 years old and I was 16 years old. The age thing is irrelevant, imo.

And I know some very energetic people at 60, 70, 80.

And some very unfit people at 30/40.

differentnameforthis · 06/09/2010 00:10

You only regret the children you dont have, you dont regret the children you do have

Actually, thats crap! My mum had me when she didn't want to & I'd say that she regrets me. We haven't spoken for 18yrs after I refused to put up with any more of her crap.

Abandoning me in hospital at 9, so I was left to wake up from an op alone. Telling me at 16 that she should have had a 'proper' abortion because her DIY one didn't work.....I could go on, but this thread isn't about me.

It is not fair of him to deny you the pleasure of another child

Actually, is it completely fair, tbh. He has been honest, he knows his limitations, I think he is to respected for that really!

As harsh as it sounds, he is allowed to not want to bring any more children into this world. I was unwanted, and live my life with that legacy which is, in all fairness, more painful than anything I have ever known & has impacted A LOT on my relationships & my decisions in life.

It's grossly unfair on a child to bring it into a world where only 1 parent wants it.

differentnameforthis · 06/09/2010 00:13

I think he is to be respected for that really!

differentnameforthis · 06/09/2010 00:18

If he cannot budge on this the OP will regret never having another child and will come to resent her dh for that anyway, which does not bode well for their future together

And if he is forced to have another baby, he will resent the op AND the child. Believe me, that will more of a big deal, it will be an innocent third party in the picture too, which also will not bode well for their future together.

snoobiesmummy90 · 06/09/2010 00:44

Just a thought but have you thought about fostering?? This way you fill you need for another child but if you choose relief fostering then you have a child for a short time only, which in turn may alsAlso this may help your decision and your DH? Bonus you are helping a child who need love etc.

diddl · 06/09/2010 07:05

Well life can be full of compromises, and without trying to sound horrible here, OP did marry an older man with three children.

Perhaps she is lucky that he has had any children at all with her.

Maria2007loveshersleep · 06/09/2010 07:08

diddl: 'perhaps she is lucky that he has had any children at all with her'?

What? Hmm The OP is 32: was 28 when she had her daughter. Surely she shouldn't have accepted- unless she wanted to- at the ripe old age of 28 that she wouldn't have any children at all, just because she married an 'older man' (not all that old actually! He was 48 when he had his daughter).

Lulumaam · 06/09/2010 07:20

i do think it has to be a conisderation if oyu have a realtionship with someone considerably older, who had older children, that more children for him is a no no , or that more than one child is a no no

the OP says, 'I hate myself for not considering this with an older man but he just seems and looks so young and healthy. He explained that he can't work forever I know he is right there is just no way around it.
'

i think is totally germane to the argument

he is now saying the thing she never really considered, even though she knew it was a major issue

so not really fair to castigate teh DH for not giving in to her yearnings

thinking about my older friends who have younger children, without exception, they are retired/semi retired and have the time to enjoy the children they have had a bit later in life

having a child and being obliged to work an extra 20 years is a huge ask

Maria2007loveshersleep · 06/09/2010 07:25

Lulumama, yes you're right that it's a consideration, as it's equally a consideration (discussed earlier in this thread) when someone is in a relationship with a younger woman that she may want to have children.

Usually though couples discuss these things openly. Whats' different here is that the OP didn't feel she wanted a 2nd child but now has changed her mind. It does happen, and she's only 32, so it's hard to have to accept that she'll never have this 2nd child. Hard to make such a clearcut decision at 32.

I do accept of course that people make compromises, that all sorts of different scenarios are right for different families etc. But I also believe that sometimes when there's this sort of impasse, there might be other ways around it rather than complete compromise. Eg having the 2nd child and the younger woman taking on more responsibility etc.

But then again the OP has told us in her latest posts that she probably won't be having a 2nd child (I wonder if she's discussed further with her DH)? So all our thoughts may be a bit irrelevant anyway.