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Relationships

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Original poster

DH said there is no way we are having another child, I feel paralysed

154 replies

grapeandlemon · 05/09/2010 07:38

Bit of background DH is considerably older than me by 20 yrs. I never felt the urge for another child after having DD due to PND and birth trauma.

For the first time this month I felt like I could do it again and want to do it again. V quickly. DD is 4 soon. I was happy only having one before this and DD is a v lovely sociable little girl, but something has clicked in me ( I am 32) and feel v strong now.
Only thing is DH says he is too old. He has 3 other children from a previous marriage and says he has had his children and can't work and support another child for the long term. Which I know is reasonable .

I don't suppose there are any answers. I almost feel like splitting up with him but I know that is v unfair and I couldn't just grab another man to breed with, that's not the way it works I want a child with him as I love him.

I hate myself for not considering this with an older man but he just seems and looks so young and healthy. He explained that he can't work forever I know he is right there is just no way around it.

Just getting it out I know there are no answers just wanted some support

OP posts:

QS · 05/09/2010 20:36

And even tougher without siblings, I suspect mumblechum.

expatinscotland · 05/09/2010 20:39

Having siblings is no guarantee they'll be supportive or even talk to or like each other. There's plenty of evidence of that on here, sadly.

Lulumaam · 05/09/2010 20:40

yo can't have children just to share a burden. it's not right or fair for that child.

i really feel strongly that a child should not be born for a specific role in the life of hte other child or parents

i think at 52, the OP's husabnd is totally reasonable to not want more children..

i am dreadfully sorry the op finds herself in this situation, but she said herself, she did not htink about it

tippytap · 05/09/2010 20:45

Hi Grape,

I don't have any words of wisdom to give you with regard to the situation with you and your DH. I do, however have experience of having an older Dad.

My Dad was 60 when I was born, 62 when my sister was born.

I loved my Dad. When I was a child he was fit and healthy and played with my sister and I a lot - and this is saying something for a man of his age, in the 1970's.

My Dad was a builder and had one older son from a previous marriage.

Dad worked every day of his life to support Mum, my sister and me. They say that hard work doesn't do anybody any harm and maybe it doesn't, but it does lead you faster to the grave, though.

Dad got sick when I was 15. He died when I was 24. It took my handsome, fit father 9 years to die. It was horrendous.

I would not have changed my Dad for the world, but I wish with all my heart that he had been younger.

He never got the chance to meet his grandchildren or to see my sister and I "properly grown up".

What I am trying to say is that I fully understand where you DH is coming from on this - If you have a child now, he would be working into his late 60's/70's, IF he was fit enough to do so.

Is that fair to ask of him? If not, if he got sick, could you manage two children and nursing your DH as well as trying to earn money to keep you all as well?

mumblechum · 05/09/2010 21:14

I agree also that there's no guarantee whatsoever that siblings will be close, either as children or adults. I see my sister once, maybe twice a year for a couple of hours at a time. We don't dislike each other or anything, we just don't have anything in common.

These days very very few families live a couple of miles apart, in fact in our social circle, no one does. You can't have another child to share the burden of looking after an elderly father when they're only very young adults themselves, potentially missing out on Uni etc.

Maria2007loveshersleep · 05/09/2010 21:24

But even if siblings live far away, surely it's easier to share the burden of elderly on so many levels when there's more than 1 child? Burden meaning- psychological burden / financial burden / physical burden (doing this & that to help). People travel / talk on the phone / send money. Help comes in many ways.

While I totally agree that siblings don't necessarily get along, I also believe it's true that it's far easier to look after elderly parents when there's more than 1 person to do so.

Maria2007loveshersleep · 05/09/2010 21:26

(meant the burden of elderly parents, obviously)

expatinscotland · 05/09/2010 21:26

Having a child for the purpose of its being a support to its elderly parents.

That's a wise move . . .

TimothyTigerTuppennyTail · 05/09/2010 21:27

Maria -

It's even harder to look after elderly parents when there's 2 of you, and 1 refuses to help.

Maria2007loveshersleep · 05/09/2010 21:28

Well not just for that expat, of course not.

But it's one of many considerations, it's a pragmatic one.

Maria2007loveshersleep · 05/09/2010 21:29

Timothy, yes, sadly I've seen that happen to at least 2 friends of mine :)

but equally...at present someone very close to me is watching his elderly mother deteriorate with dementia. And his brother (who he's extremely close to) is the biggest, most precious help in all this, they make all decisions together, share the costs, share the psychological burden etc.

Maria2007loveshersleep · 05/09/2010 21:30

OOps!! Timothy I meant :( (aaaaarrrggggh for lack of editing button).

expatinscotland · 05/09/2010 21:30

It's a rather foolish one, IMO, Marie, especially considering the likelihood is that, in the case of the OP, the children may still be, well, children when/if the father falls ill.

Secondly, as pointed out, hardly a given the sibling will be willing or able to help at all.

By all means, try to have another because you feel your first child will enjoy a sibling relationship, but with the idea of supporting elderly parent support in mind . . .

Maria2007loveshersleep · 05/09/2010 21:31

Expat, ok I do take your point & generally agree. I just said it's ONE of the considerations, certainly not the most important one.

TimothyTigerTuppennyTail · 05/09/2010 21:32

Maria -

I read it as a friendly "you're not on your own smile anyway.

Maria2007loveshersleep · 05/09/2010 21:35

I suppose my more general point is- it's wise to thing of the wider picture, and have a more long-term view, and not just follow a present-moment 'desire' or 'yearning' (either to HAVE or NOT TO HAVE children).

Original poster

grapeandlemon · 05/09/2010 21:38

Can I just say I am only 32!! enough with the "elderly parents"

Seriously though I am young enough to look after DH if anything went horribly wrong with his health, he has insurance policies and he does have 3 other children with whom he is very close so that doesn't factor in our particular situation at all. Although longevity and good health record in his and mine runs strong

I am grateful for all your posts. It currently looks v unlikely that I will be having another. I will have to work it through, DH and I have a good marriage and are close I am lucky in many ways. He just feels he is too old. I have wonderful DD and she does have half siblings who love her dearly bless them. I have to respect that don't I? I don't have any answers for how I am going to work this one out in my head...but I will.

OP posts:

ColdComfortFarm · 05/09/2010 21:40

Ah, sad for you Grape. I can understand how being broody can be overwhelming. But all those saying how awful for Grape's dd to be all alone dealing with old parent, well she won't. Not only will she have her young mother, she has THREE siblings, which is fantastic. Grape, how do you get on with your stepchildren, and how old are they? How often do you see them?

expatinscotland · 05/09/2010 21:40

Please try to see a professional if at all possible, grapes.

ColdComfortFarm · 05/09/2010 21:43

And you don't know Grape, he may change his mind. And if he doesn't, you have a lovely big family, and your daughter is one of four, which is a huge bonus for her.

mamatomany · 05/09/2010 21:44

I agree with those who've said that your daughter shouldn't be left alone to deal with you when he's long gone (i'm sure others have put it more eloquently).
My DH's dad went and got a vasectomy the minute DH was born, he didn't really want him and certainly wasn't going to have another which was all very well but DH's parents split up. And now my husband is an only child with a sick mother to deal with and no support from his father or siblings.
Very selfish behavior all in all.

ColdComfortFarm · 05/09/2010 21:47

Blimey, the OP was only 28 when she had her dd!! She will in all likelihood live into her eighties and her daughter will prob be in her sixties and a grandparent herself when the OP is old and ailing! I imagine her siblings will be there for her too.

Original poster

grapeandlemon · 05/09/2010 21:50

They are 27, 19 and 15 and are the most lovely people I know. We see them most holidays and as much as possible but they live quite far away.

After DD was born I was worried they would be, well you know troubled about it but they are so just kind and loving toward her. She looks up to them like they are stars, it really does bring a tear to my eye. It is not always easy being in this kind of situation but they have never, ever been resentful. We are really lucky.

OP posts:

fidelma · 05/09/2010 21:53

This is a difficult time for you. However you should see if you are still brody over the next few months.

I was and am very broody.DH is in his late 40s 12 years older than me.I would say that I pushed him very hard to have more children.We have 4, he would of stopped at 2.I get very bad hyperemmisis so if I had benn sensible we would of only hd one, however my drive was painfully strong.

It has not been easy having 4 and dh made it clear that it was me that wanted that 4th baby and at he didn't want to be tied to a baby.He is a wonderful dad to all our dc,but I am the main baby carer.

He loves me and that is why we went on to have 4.

I am an only child.I had 4 dc because I am gready

Protect your relationship.
Can you realy cope with pnd? how would your dd and dh cope with your pnd.

Talk Talk Talk dont rush.

Original poster

grapeandlemon · 05/09/2010 21:55

not sure what you are on about mamatomany that situation has no likeness to mine whatsoever. "Deal with me when he's long gone" nice

OP posts:

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