I am in pieces

[stillcrying]

dh walked out last night. No warning, no discussion. He told me he'd been having an affair for two years and is in love with her. I feel sick and haven't slept at all. We've got two small children, and I had absolutely no idea this was going on. I thought he loved me. What do I do now? I don't think I can bear it.

Oh, gosh, you poor thing.

Are you at home with your children? Do you have a friend, or your mum, or someone who can come over and be with you today? You need your hand holding and cups of tea making today.

Also, practical advice for when you're up to it: if your assets are in joint accounts, call the bank when it opens and put a halt on large withdrawals (I hope this is right, maybe somebody English will come along in a second and correct me), and you might want to consider freezing any credit cards/overdrafts. If he's been having an affair for two years and you had no idea, he's probably got a financial plan in place.

When you can stand it, you need to call a solicitor. But right now, call a friend or someone who can keep you company and your children entertained.

Thank you. My parents are here but asleep so am not alone. Am 90% sure he won't take a lot of money out but maybe you're right. Feel like I've been hit by a truck. How could I not see this coming?

He may well not do, but people act out of character in these situations.

Glad your parents are there, that's brilliant. Get them to take the kids to the park when they wake up if it'll help.

Stupid, stupid idiot man to leave his family like this.

This is out of character.I don't know what he's thinking. How do I find a solicitor? Do I let him see the children later?

You poor thing, you are in shock!! Don't make any decisions today; let him see the children if you feel up to it, but be guided by how much you can cope with. I would stipulate that only he can see them, not the other woman, just in case he wasn't thinking straight.

tortoise is right, he has had much longer to think about this than you, so do not feel under any pressure to make decisions at his pace. You need time to come to terms with what he has done to your marriage. You do though I'm afraid need to think money quite quickly; have any friends got solicitors they would recommend for advice, otherwise CAB are useful as a first stop and will recommend someone good.

Lots of love and prayers

Don't think any of my friends would know but one is a solicitor so will try her. Am waiting for dcs to wake up - dd (5) heard me shouting last night so she knows but what do I tell 3 year old ds?

Right now I wouldn't tell them anything except, perhaps, Daddy's had to go away for a few days. Time enough when you've talked to some people and know where things stand.

And don't worry about letting him see them yet. You'll have to work that out eventually, but as janajos says, take this at your own pace at the moment.

I can't recommend any sols, I'm in Australia, but definitely ask your friend first off.

Just wanted to say how much sympathy I felt reading about your situation. You must be in agony.

stillcrying - i am very sorry to hear. hugs. Please try not to beg him. Do your crying to your friends and family. But for him, the sooner you show control and dignity the better. But it is understandable if it takes some time to get there. On the practical side if you can get some time to intensify your exercise/work outs it will help with sleeping. Also you will need the endorphin rush to counter the stress and sadness.

When you feel stronger, please try to look at it as a positive beginning with a new improved you emerging. I hope that it is not too superficial to say:

-new hair do
-a fitter new you
-control and calmness towards him
-stay aloof and dignified

Thank you TDaDa. I've been married for 13 years so right now the idea of getting on with life is almost unbearable. But i don't think I could forgive him even if he wanted me to so am going to have to.

You poor thing. Were there any signs looking back that this is what he was playing at? How shocking for you. Look after yourself and please be kind to yourself. Keep eating and try to take deep breaths every day to calm yourself down.

Keep posting sweetheart.

you don't have t forgive him. Just think that it wouldn't help if he has all the ("emotional") power. Even if you wanted him back the better strategy would be to act dignified, even aloof. With support, if you could dig deep; don't beg him but pity him...show that you can make it without him....it eventually will pay off......

....perhaps a bit early for you to think like this.....i don't want to be insensitive to the hurt that you are feeling but it is you and your family and friends that will get you through this and NOT him.

warmest wishes

You are in shock. It's completely normal. Don't worry about the future or anything yet. I know about the black hole opening up in front of you. Just be there for your children today. They will be a comfort. The rest can come later.
Big hugs.

First of all I am so sorry you are going through this, unfortunately many of us on here have been through it . Please get as much RL support as you can, lots of sweet tea etc.

As far as your H is concerned, the only response is to take control (I know you won't feel like doing this but try). Pack all of his stuff up (in bin bags preferably) and tell him to come and collect them immediately (has he told you where he is staying etc?). Get to a solicitor asap to get proper advice re finances (collect all the relevant documents up together, statements (pension, bank, credit card etc), maintenance, access. Let he see that you will not take this lying down.

I'm sure WhenwillIfeelnormal will be along later with her wonderful advice.

Keep posting on here, it was/is a wonderful support to me when I was going through it.

Take care.

Thank you all so much. Wise and wonderful advice all very welcome. Have had a lot already from my magnificent friends, who are being amazing.

I have packed his clothes up, and he is coming to get it this evening when the children are in bed. My parents have taken the children out for the day, and I'm going to go for a walk and clear my head in a bit.

I think taking control is the only option. It's either that or break down totally.

I am so sorry to all of you that have been through this, but it's reassuring to hear you came through in one piece. This time yesterday our lives were totally normal, and now they are shattered. I can't imagine it ever going back to normal again.

It won't get back to how it was, but frankly, as you're now realising, although that felt 'normal', it was based on lies.

Your life will get back to another kind of 'normal' though. You have some tough times ahead, but your future can be even brighter.

I am so sorry for you. You must be devastated .

Do you know anyone on here who you feel you could talk to?

I don't know anyone. Have always lurked, almost never posted. But you're all very kind...I will keep talking to you if that's ok. On and off - it's just dawning on me that there's a lot to do, and my children aren't going to let me sit and mope.

stillcrying I'm so, so sorry.

I'm a 'take control' person, but I still needed time to grieve. Don't try to do too much, don't think about solicitors etc, not for a day or two.

Be sad. You have been badly hurt.

If there's one thing I've learnt in the last few weeks is that it is a process that takes time. It is a rollercoaster, and it dips into many dark places.

What has helped me is by allowing myself to go into these places, but only at certain times (usually when the children are in bed). Sometimes I make things more intense by playing 'our' music or looking at our photos. It seems to help IYSWIM.

There are many, many people on here who will take the time and share with you their stories and how they coped. I have a thread on here with a lot of good advice on how to cope with this betrayal. I haven't linked it because you might not want me to, but I will if you like.

Take care x

No, please please do link, if you don't mind sharing it. I haven't got any roadmap for this, so any advice is really really helpful.

One piece of advice - don't contact him by text message - if you get all shrieky and arsey it could come back to haunt you.

If I had my chance again I would choose being outwardly dignified.

Rant to your friends and not at him.

my thread

I don't mind at all.

I took a lot of comfort from MN. They really got me through the early days.

The Relate telephone counselling helped me too.

Remember you must eat. It is important - you still have to function because you are a mother. Don't get ill.

peanut butter on toast at least.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I agree with Laurie - don't send him any messages, by text or phone. When you see him, try to cut down the length of the time you spend with him, eg, Hi, here are your clothes .

Just a warning - soon it will hit you that you haven't lived the last two years as you thought you had. It's a terrible moment when you realise this, to be honest. You will look back on seemingly innocent things and realise what was actually happening. I hope you have someone you can talk to as these memories occur to you; if not, come on here and post - so many of us have been in your position and have come out stronger.

I have a thread too, hope you don't mind if I post it here: here it is. I have come a long way from the person I was on that thread, and you will too. :)