I am in pieces

[stillcrying]

dh walked out last night. No warning, no discussion. He told me he'd been having an affair for two years and is in love with her. I feel sick and haven't slept at all. We've got two small children, and I had absolutely no idea this was going on. I thought he loved me. What do I do now? I don't think I can bear it.

or even formulaic

Luckily though, it's always the same for the wives who get dumped, too. We let all our emotions flow, lean on our friends, cope with the DC, get on with our new lives wonderfully, lose a billion stone, look awesome, date again (with a newfound icy untouchability that makes other men kill for us), and find a sassy strength that makes our Hs come crawling back, whereupon we get to kick them in the eye.

His view of your marriage together is revisionist bollocks to make himself feel better about the sordid present. No one else sees it that way, no you, not your parents, his parents, the rest of the family, your friends....just him and the other moral bankrupt he's shacked up with.

Feel free to quote me.

Don't be so hard on yourself StillCrying. You'd have to be made of stone not to lose it with him sometimes. No doubt you will do so again. He on the other hand must be a very cruel, inhuman person to see your distress and not feel guilt and sorrow.

From what you've said so far, he's never actually said how sorry he is for hurting you, has he? Or sorry for leaving your marriage for an affair. Even people who are happy with the OW/OM and don't regret ending their marriages, would normally concede that theirs was a lousy way to end a marriage and that they are sorry for the hurt caused.

His response seems to be the same each time - attacking you for not seeing this coming.

How's your anger doing SC? Has it come through yet? Also, are you getting/considering some counselling yet?

Oh I've been angry! Really really angry. It helps because it makes me get up and get on with things and vow to get over this. But the anger doesn't seem to last long - it's quickly replaced by sadness.

I've seen a counsellor a couple of times. She's been very wise and very helpful, but both times I was still trying to process the shock. I can see that a bit further down the line it will be helpful to see her again to try and make some sense of this. At the start I was convinced we should see someone together but now I wonder whether there's any point as I know exactly what he will say.

He has said sorry for the manner of departure but maintains there is no good way to leave a marriage and that the timing of this was right. He claims to feel sorry for what he's done and for hurting me, but his manner rather undermines that. He does miss the children - I can see that - and I know he adores them, but says he was so unhappy that life away from them is preferable to life with me and them.

I think he was unhappy at the end because he let himself get that way. I know I'm not a bad person and I was very happy. I have spent a long long time analysing the last few years, and they were good ones. At the very very worst, we didn't talk as much as we could have done and were a bit distracted by life. But his point, over and over, is we had nothing in common. Which is total rubbish - he had some deep and all consuming interests that I didn't share but which I accommodated and allowed him to pursue, and which I displayed an interest in. She, of course, shares those interests but frankly I don't think two people in a marriage have to align their interests entirely. Surely healthier not to?

Interestingly when he talks about it it's always in terms of push factors - away from me - rather than a pull - to her - even though he claims to be very happy with her and to want to spend his life with her. I can't make him see that his unhappiness, at least in part, was because he wanted to be with her. He has separated the two things entirely and says he would have gone anyway.

I would genuinely love an objective perspective from someone. I'm not getting it from him, and everyone else is outraged on my behalf but I feel I do need to try and get to the bottom of this. I'm just not sure how.

He really has done quite a job on you and seems to believe his own spin on the situation. That may not change in the near future as he has invested so much in his own view of the world being right.

He's quite self-absorbed at the moment so you are probably banging your head off a brick wall trying to make sense of what he has done. He has to believe what he is saying otherwise the tide of views from everyone else opposing him will make him look stupid. At the moment he has no reason to climb down. He feels he has a right to persue his own happiness - despite the fact that he can see the cost of that. Indeed, he feels justified in his actions.

As for interests, when my DH and I got together, we only had about two artists in our (rather large) music collections which were the same. It still amuses me that we have such different tastes and interests. We've been together many years and we still have, on the surface, little in common.

Your ex is throwing everything at the book at you to make himself feel better. Sounds as though he is getting desperate when he is targetting the very basis of your relationship. Its a though he is trying to wipe it from history.

Who's he trying to convince here?

Try and look after yourself and take all the help you can get at the moment. It will get better.

or 'pursue'

Hi stillcrying, I have been reading through this thread and wanted to lend my shoulder.

No one can understand that terrible pain in the tummy and chest, of dreading the early morning waking and the painful crying. Sadness hurts like nothing else on earth, I know.

When the pain is at its worst, the best thing to do is talk to someone, keep posting.

I am in the beginning stages of my single mummydom, and am at the devastated and completely gobsmacked stage where my whole body aches with misery. I take comfort from others who have gone through similar and have come through feeling ok, because apparently it does happen.

xx

stillcrying, I don't think you can get any sense from your H. When mine left, I begged him to say why, to give me some reason, and he eventually said, "The house wasn't very tidy". Huh?

He has later dragged out really odd, random things from years and years ago and said it was because of those. I obviously don't ask him anymore! He just says them sometimes, probably to make hinself feel better? It's like they dig out ANYTHING and hang it all on that.

You won't get an answer from your H, I'm afraid. That's the worst bit. You'll never really ever know why.

You don't want to feel too embarassed about breaking down in front of him. At this point he doesn't even see you as a real human being; he's seeing his own image of you. So even if you had been cool and fabulous, or sad but eloquent, or any of the things you wish you'd been instead of the scummy mess you were (and had every right to be!), he would have seen what he wanted/expected to see, and gone to tell the OW that's what you'd been like. The real you doesn't figure in his scheme of things. He's been writing you out for the last two years, turning you into a character in his private drama. So by all means look forward to the time you can be cool, but right now it makes no difference.

Some time in the future he will look at you and see a human being again, and feel a nasty twinge. Hopefully, though, by that time you will look at him and see a slimy, crawling slug. In other words, you'll both have had a bit of space to see things as they really are.

Hi, I'm new around here and haven't posted before now, but had to come on to send you a big hug.
Your situation is similar to mine in that I knew the OW very well. She had been my 'friend' for 22 years and I had been her bridesmaid. She came to visit me in hospital when I had my babies, (which makes me feel sick now). We had recently moved back into the area she lives in and she saw my life/ lifestyle and decided she wanted it for herself. My marriage was at an all time low, (due to many things), and she picked her moment very well :(
I know only too well that wretched feeling in your stomach and not being able to eat, sleep or function. 'Staring into space' became my 'normality' - usually sitting on the edge of my bed. My DD kept finding me doing it and, because she was 15, understood.
I just want you to know that those of us who have been there, will all wish we could come and take away some of the, (almost physical), hurt. I have never known anything like it and hope I never will again.
(((Big Hugs)))
P.S. You've being amazing so far and I'll keep reading this thread in the hopes that everything works out for you (and that his OW drops dead or gets run over by a bus!)

Stillcrying my xh said almost the identical things to me in particular that he would have gone anyway without an ow and the reason given for the end of our 17 years was it had been "a gradual erosion of feeling with a few landslides along the way". I am afraid no matter what you will find yourself wondering about why he did what he did but as has been said you will probably never get an answer you will find acceptable to explain how he could do this to you and your dc.

I totally agree Annie they dont see you as a person but as the character they have constructed you as in their minds. 8 months later my xh still treats me as the person he decided I was rather than who I really am.

Stillcrying just go with the pain and grief and dont try to be too controlled or you will slow down getting through this nightmare. There are no time scales but know that you will be ok in time. x

Something my DH said to me after we got back together and weeks of counselling was that in his head he had made me out to be the devil - those were his exact words. He said to me that I wasn't but in his mindset at the time, I had prevented him having the life he wanted, I was the reason for him being miserable, depressed, unhappy etc. It had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him (obviously I had some part to play in the problems of the marriage).

As I said to him at the time when he left (before I knew about OW), was that he could run away from me and the family etc but he couldn't run away from himself forever. My DH was going through some sort of crisis (midlife or otherwise), he had a gambling habit that got out of hand (another escape from real life) and the affair was his rock bottom (she was a truly awful woman on every level and he visably cringes now when he thinks about it). TBH he hadn't been truly honest and open throughout our marriage, little things at first, and now says that the person I married was a phoney, not the real him IYSWIM. You can probably look back on your marriage when your H wasn't completely honest with you, kept little things from you etc (other than the affair!) and you and he probably justified them away.

My DH was truly vile to me after he left and I still find that hard to come to terms with and in my worst period I did phone the Samaritans in the early hours just to speak to someone.

You are doing remarkably well and things will get better.

I'm really glad that the anger has come through SC, even if it gives way to sadness. You know at least that it will come again.

What comes through so vividly from what you write is your sense of utter bewilderment. You must be wondering whether you have been living in a parallel universe for the past few years, because you don't recognise any of your H's post-affair rationalisations. It is revisionist bollocks indeed....

It seems to me what you need most, is to make sense of what has happened. This is why infidelity and the associated deceit tend to make a relationship break down worse - because it messes with your mind. People often torture themselves with fears that if they missed the signs, what else in life has been happening, that they have been unaware of? Is anything as it seems? It's as though the whole world order has changed - and only you were unaware of it.

When a relationship ends because of unhappiness in one or both of the partners, both of them are sighted on the issues. In fact, I have never known a relationship break down through "natural causes" - and it was a shock to the people involved. That decision has usually been made after months or years of trying to resolve differences, especially where children are involved.

Whereas with infidelity, usually one partner has been pretending that all is well with the marriage and the true compartmentalisers in fact often display no signs at all. This sounds like it was for you, SC - there were no signs that he was unhappy, he certainly didn't tell you that he was - and all this is an enormous shock.

Have you ever challenged any of this with him? If he is sticking to the frankly ludicrous notion that he would have left anyway - and the OW is incidental to the fact, why did he not speak to you about his misgivings before embarking on his affair?

I suspect he won't be able to answer that, because his version of events just isn't true. The unhappiness in your marriage, I suspect was caused by the affair - and not the other way around.

In your situation too where there is a double betrayal, I often wonder why one or both of them didn't press the brakes at any of the numerous steps on the lead-up to the affair. I find this fascinating.

My female friends and I have often talked about how eachother's partners are so completely off-limits, that to even consider a sexual relationship with them would feel like incest. I genuinely think you've got to be a particularly abusive sort of person, to cause this kind of hurt. I think Dittany is absolutely right in this case therefore, but I also think the OW is abusive here.

Therefore I wanted to ask you, looking back, did either of them display any abusive behaviours? Did you notice or experience any cruelty, but bargained it away? The book Dittany suggests would be an interesting read, to see whether your H and friend were emotionally abusive in their relationships.

I think it might be a good time to see a counsellor again, but choose carefully, because like I often say, there are so many myths about affairs, some of them peddled by counsellors too, I'm afraid. I do think you need some objective sense brought to bear, because your H is so locked in this false script, it won't come from him.

Keep posting and keep writing SC. These are still very early days and I suspect the shock still hasn't quite worn off.

I've been thinking and thinking about what you all said. That, plus a sudden surge of energy that has meant I know have a horribly well organised study and some very tidy wardrobes, meant I haven't been back since Wednesday.

I know what he has done is horrible, and the worst kind of betrayal. And her actions are equally horrible. But I really don't know if I would describe him, generally, as emotionally abusive. I find it almost impossible to think rationally about the last two years - every time I think about any incident, it feels tainted by what I know now was going on. But he was, generally, kind to me. He was certainly always supportive - both of what I wanted to do with my life, and of my (fairly insignificant) neuroses. I don't remember him ever really being unkind or cruel, this aside. When we did row properly, which really wasn't very often, I used to hate the fact that he would always try and tell me how I should be reacting but by and large he was pretty tolerant of me and who I was. In fact, if I am being totally honest, I probably made his life hard - I was far more ready to point out his faults than he was to point out mine. But he never suggested that he found that a problem, particularly.

I am going to stop asking him for answers. I find it too upsetting and he is now totally convinced by his own narrative so we get nowhere. It is some small form of closure, though I suspect there's a long way to go yet.

I am slightly freaked out by how calm I am being, most of the time. The house has never been tidier, or more organised. I have got a huge number of chores done that I've been meaning to do for months. I am up to date on bills, paperwork and replying to emails. I even wrote some thank you cards yesterday to people who had sent flowers, or brought cake over. It's making me feel better but I recognise that it's probably not a particularly healthy response - I am sure that the crash, when it comes, will be immense. But I just can't cry any more or waste any more tears on them.

Thank you all for your kind words and the insights. Some of you have been incredibly generous in sharing your own experiences, and the advice has been exceptionally helpful - it's uncanny how accurately you describe our situation. I am going to print this thread out and keep it - it's given me a massive amount of hope and encouragement and stopped me doing some crazy things.

I'm sure there will be more craziness ahead. We haven't even started to work out a financial settlement yet, as we still have lots of gaps in the information - I can't believe that's going to be easy - nor have we really agreed on a sustainable access schedule for him to see the children. So that's all in the future. Not the future I really envisaged, but the future I am absolutely determined to make the best of...

Wow, you've come a long way in a few days and have found a way of working through some of the immediate stuff which has come at you.

I haven't been through anything like this, but much of what you are saying has resonance for me in terms of sifting through the good and bad things in family life.

I was thinking about what you have written and I feel that often we have many more good things in our day to day lives - maybe not perfect, but good enough to keep life ticking over. Then along comes the bad stuff, often its only a small part of everything that has happened, but the gravity of it leaves you shell-shocked and has the ability to wipe out everything good that has gone before.

I am in no way saying that what has happened to you is insignificant, but its not in his gift to rewrite the good times and rob you of those. The are your memories, your family history. They are part of who you are and who your DCs are. His new life has none of those, zero.

Here's luck to him, but you also have the right to not let his decision cast a cloud over your future. In time, the good memories will outnumber the bad ones, so hang on to them and the fact that you know the truth, a very powerful part of your healing.

(and can you come and tell me how to sort through my paperwork

"It's making me feel better but I recognise that it's probably not a particularly healthy response - I am sure that the crash, when it comes, will be immense. But I just can't cry any more or waste any more tears on them."

I think it sounds like a healthy response. Please don't worry that you're not being upset correctly! (I did that too, though.)

I think we all expect to have this sudden wailing collapse, dramatically, in the middle of a supermarket or something. It wasn't like that for me: I just had loads of mini collapses (crying in the shower was common), interspersed with periods of eerie calm. I went overboard with housewok/organisation, etc. I miss that stage now!

I think organising things outside yourself is a way of coping/gaining control, when things inside yourself are unbearable/out of control.

The thing that moved me forwards was letting go of all hope that H and I would get back together, and all hope that the life I thought we had/we were moving towards could be recreated. As soon as that hope was PROPERLY gone (it's easy to keep hold of it secretly, I had to be v honest with myself), I had a biggish crash, but then I found I had some Acceptance of the situation, which was a big help.

Don't be too hard on yourself. There is no right or wrong in this. And you'll come out this so much stronger, and so proud of yourself in so, so many ways, you won't believe it. As they said in the oh-so-deeply meaningful Maid in Manhattan last night: "What we do, Miss Ventura, does not define who we are. What defines us is how well we rise after falling."

Stillcrying thats a fantastic post and bodes so well for your long term recovery. It put me in mind of an article by Bel Mooney talking about she refused to trash the memories of her 35 year marriage. Its quite hard at times but I am trying to take a leaf out of her book!

I didnt have a big crash either but would have days where I was positively happy and then a couple at rock bottom. It is an uneven process recovering from something like this and I soon learnt not to question the good days and endure the bad days knowing they would pass.

Do keep posting for support and reassurance that you will survive and probably very well at that reading your thread

I've said I want to see her on Tuesday, before he's allowed to take the children there. Do you think that's a stupid idea?

Stillcrying

I'm not sure if it's a good idea or not.

If you do, then I think you should make sure beforehand that you are crystal clear about why you want to see her and what you want to get out of any meeting. And plan exactly what you want to say/achieve. You want to make everything on your terms as far as you possibly can.

Do you want to see her to discuss the children and arrangements? Or to make her see exactly what pain and devastation she has caused?

I would think that the worst possible approach would be to try to do a mixture of these two things at the one meeting - or to accidentally end up doing a mixture of the two.

If I were you, I would not want to risk showing a scintilla of emotion, weakeness, or risk crying in front of her.

I wonder if maybe it is too soon?

Thinking of you. You are so brave.

I agree with MrsJ, its quite a big step this.

I suggest that if you do, you stick to saying a maximum of three things (not much more), that you rehearse what you are going to say and that you do not add anything to what you say the first time.

If the same question is asked repeatedly, then keep giving the same answer. Mrs J summs it up perfectly - do not get drawn into emotional exchanges. This is the person who has lied to you for a long time and there is no reason to think she is going to be any more truthful now. She has had a lot invested in her lies.

You know best how to move this forward, but I would go for the minimum amount of conversation. Once the words are out there, they cannot be taken back and you have the advantage of her not really knowing what you are thinking if you do not expand on anything. Sometimes its best to be silent as the truth with come out in the end and it does not necessarily have to come from you.

I have just read through your thread and i'm so sorry about your situation.
I have also been there, sort of, my partner walked out on me when i was pregnant for another woman.
At first i found it so hard to come to terms with it.
I asked for him back on 2 occasions.
Was worried that he didn't want to see his baby.
Was constantly getting angry with him and arguing when he did come over to see our dd.
Then i found out his other woman was pregnant.
I fell to pieces.
I always thought in the back of my mind that he would come back to me.
I never let him take our dd out in fear he would take him to see "her."
But then they got engaged and shortly after married.
I realised that i couldn't go on like this and decided i had to give in and be strong.
Put our son first.
I am now happily with someone else with whom i have a ds. and he has another ds with his wife.
I see there kids and they see mine.
It does get easier, however long it takes.
It took me a long time.
But i've done it and am happier than i have been in a very long time.
Good luck with everything xx

i meant put our daughter first

I didn't see her. I wrote to her. It was fairly restrained and I didn't insult her. She replied - it was just about possible to read it without screaming and she did have the grace to say she was very ashamed of what she'd done.

I had no idea it would be this hard. When I cry I can't stop. I can't sleep. My patience with the children is very short, though they are being amazing. I am really worried about money. And my husband veers wildly between genuine bafflement at my behaviour, visible irritation and over the top concern. And is also managing to screw up small but important details like taking ds to school this morning without coat or lunchbox, meaning I had to go in at 11.30 because ds was sobbing when he couldn't go in the playground or eat lunch. It would have been a minor irritation before but now feels like a huge deal as I am having to balance out his incompetence. All he has to do is go to work and go home to her where I presume he is happy. Meanwhile I am having to do the whole parenting thing on my own and do it well enough that the children don't suffer when I feel as if I am losing my grip on my sanity. How is that fair?