I am in pieces

[stillcrying]

dh walked out last night. No warning, no discussion. He told me he'd been having an affair for two years and is in love with her. I feel sick and haven't slept at all. We've got two small children, and I had absolutely no idea this was going on. I thought he loved me. What do I do now? I don't think I can bear it.

It's not fair. It's not fair at all. I've also been in your position and I just couldn't accept it. I used to cry walking home from work (he took the car so I felt pretty isolated).

It took a long time to start to feel something resembling normal, with lots of really bad days along the way, but it does get better. I promise you that.

The only thing you can do is to stay strong for you and the DCs. They'll never be happy. She'll be looking over her shoulder the whole time because, let's face it, if he can do it to you, the mother of his DCs, then he can do it to her just as easily.

Look after yourself, try to do something nice for you, like a break away just to recharge your batteries and get some pampering in

Thinking of you SC and feeling your pain

Do these two selfish cunts expect little children who have just had their lives ripped apart to come and play happy families with their Dad and a woman who used to be their godmother?

No fucking way can you ask that of such little kids. Not fair at all.

And you know when you should next interact with this utterly loathesome woman?

Never, ever, ever.

But skidoodly, I don't have a choice. They have to see him - they really want to, and he is entitled to see them. They are too small to be out of the house all day and the current situation, where I wander the streets, is intolerable for me - I just can't do it at the moment, I want and need to be in my own home which I can't be if he is there. It will happen sooner or later - he lives there now and if it went to court which I'm determined it won't he would be allowed to take them there. He's not pushing for overnight stays and promises he won't until I'm ready so this is a baby step of sorts. Plus on a selfish level I need some space to sort myself out without having to take care of them 24/7. He's their dad so should play that role.

But this is all so so hard. I feel like someone has beaten me up, it's like a physical pain.

Havent forgotten you SC that post is heartbreaking sorry I think I have missed something but are you saying the dc go and spend time at her house with your H ?

That is unimaginable to me. I am not surprised you feel physically battered. When people said to me they couldnt believe how strong I was being back in the early days I dont know why but I didnt like it but SC have you any idea how strong you are being. I think I would be under sedation.

Like nana said it will get better just keep getting through each day and get support wherever possible

I am really feeling for you Stillcryng, I went through this pain (although me & DH have since repaired the marriage) when he took the DC to OW's when I didn't know about her. I since found a letter his solicitor wrote to him whereby he was stating that DH had to get overnight access established as quickly as possible. No thought to the DC or to me but it is the law. I felt that my H at the time had absolutely no compassion for me at all - it felt like he was trying to punish me.

Now he looks back in horror and hasn't spoken to the solicitor since (who was his friend originally).

As I said previously, he agreed not to introduce OW for a further month but wouldn't agree beyond that. I can't describe how utterly hopeless I felt.

Can your PIL's have your DC round theirs for access visits for the timebeing ? Or are they not talking to their son ?

They have to see him, but it is really asking a lot of them to ask them to accept that their Dad has replaced their mother with their godmother.

That doesn't sound like a baby step to me.

Sorry, I know you need some peace and quiet but he needs to sort something out so that he can look after his children without involving them in this betrayal. It will confuse the shit out of them.

god, how awful - there are so many threads like this lately it makes me very sad.

I'm really sorry this happened stillcrying - you poor thing. Take care of yourself Xx

Stillcrying

As I've said before, I'm appalled at the situation your selfish husband and friend have created and feel terribly sorry for you.

It will get better, as other posters have said, and you need to try desperately to cling on to that. It is a pretty poor sort of comfort, I acknowledge, but it really can't get worse than than this.

I've been through a bad time too, and I understand the physical pain thing. It was a shock to me - I suddenly knew what it meant to have a broken heart. A broken heart actually hurts! But that too will get better in time, impossible though that might be to believe at the moment.

I can understand how horrified you must feel about the children going to the OW's house. It is an outrage against everything that is fair and just and I can imagine that it would feel like the knife turning. But I think that it is the lesser of two evils.

In order to heal yourself, you need to establish your own space with your own boundaries, and to get rid of him from your house. And if that means the dc going to the other house, then so be it. Maybe focusing on them and on what is best for them (in the circumstances) is the best way of dealing with it. You're right - they can't stay out of the house for hours. And you walking the streets has to stop. I can see how it has come about, but I feel terrible at the idea of you having to do that. It's not necessary. You need to make your own safe nest in your own home, to forge your own life and start to get better.

MrsJellicle, you're right it seems a less unsatisfactory option. And she won't be there which is also making it more palatable.

A broken heart does hurt. I can feel it breaking a bit more each day. I don't know how a man that I am so furious with and who has deceived me so badly can have the power to make me cry like I am crying a lot of the time. I feel absolutely wretched. And angry beyond all measure that he didn't have the respect for me to give me a chance to save our marriage before things got to this stage. He won't tell me why he didn't talk to me when he started being unhappy but told a friend that he "hadn't made up his mind then suddenly he found he was in love with her". It's the most selfish thing I can imagine - he sat there passively until he found himself in a situation he couldn't get out of without thinking for a second that I might have been able to do something to make him happier

It's precisely because he did think it was your job to do things to make him happy that he sat around having it both ways until he decided which woman was doing the most for him.

Stillcrying,i have never been in your situation but i just wanted to say each time i read your post something is happening in me,i guess its what they call empathy,i got angry for you,i ached for you and when you said its one of your friends,my heart broke,i can only imagine your pain,

you are very strong and the only thing i can say to you is it shall pass,the bible reads' and it all came to pass and i just want to say this too shall pass,

i am so so sorry,life should never be like that,really,

My god, this is still so so hard. I have moments, quite long ones even, when I think I'm fine, and then it hits me all over again. I had to leave a work conference yesterday because I suddenly realised I was about to cry. I spent half an hour sitting on a park bench in a city I'd never been to before weeping uncontrollably. I can't stop going over it in my mind - how he could do this, why he didn't try and stop it, how he managed to act as if nothing was wrong for so long. All the memories from the last two and a half years feel tainted - I feel as if I'm grieving for them as well. And I can't look at the dcs without crying. How could he walk out on them? He claims to love them, but this is no way to treat the people you love.

stillcrying - i've not been in your position so can't offer much advice/insight but just wanted to say how sorry i am to read about your situation and to tell you to take care.

can you get a friend over this eve to keep you company and be a shoulder to have a good sob on? it's good to have adult company at times like this. it must be terribly lonely sometimes...

take care and good luck. i imagine you are in the worst phase at the moment. the shock, the disbelief, the heartbreak and the anger.
Can you call a RL friend?

stillcrying, don't worry, what you're going through is totally normal. You've hit the nail on the head when you refer to grief. It's the grief cycle of shock, sadness, anger, denial and acceptance. It doesn't necessarily hit in any particular order, and you can often swing from one emotion to the next without warning.

Even now, well over a year after a similar thing happened to me, tiny things can trigger a huge reaction. It does diminish over time, but it's bound to still be so raw for you at the moment.

I think the only way you can get through this, is to keep feeling everything. Let it all come, don't bottle anything up. It's far healthier and bodes well for a better long-term recovery. I found counselling really useful.

You have every right to go through all these emotions, in fact its part of the healing process and means that your heart is starting to catch up with what is going on in your head.

Remember that although you think you ought to be in a different place emotionally, you need to let your emotions have their 'moment' and get some of this hurt out.

What your H and OW have done is despicable and they have had a long time to work through their emotions. You should allow yourself as long as you need to get to a place where you can cope again.

Their behaviour has been below the belt. They know that but they have created their own set of reasons to give them the higher moral ground. Its grossly unfair and hellish for you but in the long run, you are well shot of him. Get angry, work through your emotions and you will soon be in a better place.

The only person he loves is himself and he's going to find that a lonely place as the months go on.