I am in pieces

[stillcrying]

dh walked out last night. No warning, no discussion. He told me he'd been having an affair for two years and is in love with her. I feel sick and haven't slept at all. We've got two small children, and I had absolutely no idea this was going on. I thought he loved me. What do I do now? I don't think I can bear it.

How are you doing stillcrying?
Eating is so hard, but do keep trying you need your strength, and one day your appetite will start to come back.

I'm sure the sleep must start to improve too, mine just hasn't yet.

Three things that have helped me his week:

1. seeing a solicitor
2. going to a couples therapist
3. Having lots of giggles with our gorgeous boy.

How about you?

ps your husband sounds like he's got the same script as mine! I wonder where they get these lines from!

Of course you should feel badly towards her, she has betrayed you every bit as much as he has.

There is no way on earth he can ever spin this to be something that just happened and is understandable and of course how could they have acted otherwise?

You don't let yourself develop feelings for your spouse's friends. And if you sense them developing you don't even consider acting on them.

What on earth gave this pair of reprobates the idea that them having a relationship was permissable? Even if they felt they were star-crossed lovers, destined to be together, they still should have denied themselves because of the horrible pain they were going to cause people they were supposed to love.

Instead they put their selfish bastard selves first and you and your children nowhere.

It is actually sickening that he is giving you all this guff about how the children love this woman. No they fucking well don't. They thought they loved her before she destroyed their family.

The thought of those two evil, selfish fuckwits sitting around deciding that they could cause all this pain and just wait it out until everyone came around and then play happy families with the children they are pretending they give a shit about is appalling.

She is not more glamorous or more kind than you. Kind? Give me a fucking break.

From the sounds if it she was jealous of you and your life and this whole thing has been her way of fucking it up for you and taking it all for herself.

Well she won't get it, because now everyone knows what a horrible bitch she is and what a worthless piece of shit she's with, and you'll still be you. You'll still be better than her, you'll still have your lovely children and you'll still have your life, just without a man in it that it now turns out wasn't worthy of you.

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much. You really sound amazing and strong, and lovely. I hope you get your life back soon. It won't be the old life, but it will still be yours.

He told me yesterday that he admires and respects me, thinks I'm interesting and a good mother, and that we find the same things funny, but that the love that's needed in a marriage had gone. I think he's mistaking sexual attraction and thrills for love because what he describes is love in a long standing marriage. Sadness is so much worse than anger - at least anger made me strong, but now I just feel weak.

Skidoodly that is a great post.

stillcrying I think I warned you in my earliest post that your H would re-write history - and it seems that this is exactly what he is doing.

You are right that he is confusing the "in love" feelings with the deeper, richer love in a long relationship. The reason these heady feelings have lasted for 2 years is no doubt because the secrecy added fuel to their feelings. It seems they have also got themselves locked into the script that skidoodly suggests; that they are tragic lovers who deserve to be happy. Your H is re-writing the script of your marriage, because it makes living with himself easier if he does this. He is also deluding himself that the OW is a kind, caring person whose only crime was to fall in love with him.

Project the future if you can. At the moment, OW is single and can make him the centre of her universe. For a selfish man, this must feel good. But it sounds as though she wants children and so be prepared for that (and it is precisely why you need to get the finances sorted out now).

When she does have DCs with him, he will no longer get the attention and adoration he's getting now. He will have to endure the sleepless nights and competitive tiredness that we all faced when we had young children.

Life won't be as rosy and romantic as it seems now, that's for sure.

Meanwhile you will be back on your feet - and if you so wish, with another partner. At that point, you wouldn't trade places with OW for a pension.

The honeymoon phase is also going to have to withstand a hell of a battering from the hurt and recriminations of his friends and family - and hers too, no doubt.

Keep in mind at all times too that what ever script they are following now, however many justifications they trot out for their behaviour, however strong and special they feel their love for eachother is, infidelity is wrong and deceiving others is wrong.

Keep posting. We are with you every step of the way.

stillcrying, I am so mad for you - I would like to punch both him and her in the face for you! They really are a pair of wasters.

You're all so sensible and my rational brain knows you're right. My solicitor thinks I should take time to sort things out but I can see the value in getting it done fairly soon.

I know what's going on and what he's doing and skidoodly and WWIFN, you're both right. But it is just so so unfair that I have to deal with this and he gets to swan around with her.

However, I'm done worrying about them. From now on it's me and the children that matter.

I so agree with what WWIFN and Skidoodle have said about the script. They sound as though they have been watching too many trashy films or dramas where the action fast-forwards to everyone being happy. They have conveniently forgotten the bit in the middle where the trail of destruction they have caused becomes real for everyone around them.

Their smug litle bubble of so-called love is fuelled by them inhaling too many of their own exhaust fumes, Its a bit inconvenient for them that you are insisiting that they go back and read the chapters of the script they have avoided.

I too am very angry for you, but feel that you have to start being really selfish and go for what is right for you. His feelings no longer count and he certainly has no right whatsoever to tell you how to feel. And as for the OW, I tend to agree with the others who feel that her jealousy of you consumed her to such a degree that she not only wanted your life, but wanted to destroy you too.

Move forward at your own pace, take the decisions that you need to without reference to them. If you wrestle the power back a little bit, you will start to feel stronger and you will start to chip away at the validity of their relaationship.

He was with you for many good reasons and he is about to find out that he will never replicate any of that love with her.

Go girl!!!

The truly awful thing is, I need their relationship to work. Not for me but for the children, so they have a father who is sorted and happy and contributing to their upkeep. Because they work together and I can't see how they could carry on doing that if they aren't a couple, and if they do split up he will fall to pieces.

But I realise I can't worry about that. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof, and all that. I think "go girl!" may have to be my new motto. Perhaps I should get it tattooed somewhere...

Right. He has the children today, I am with a friend. I'm going for a long walk on the beach, and am going to formulate ways to be fabulous in the future. Fuck him, and fuck her.

Yes that's the awful irony of this situation, your desire to maintain a level of normality for your DCs. Te fact that they work together will create a lot more stresses in their relationship and I can understand your feelings about having stability for your little ones.

My only thoughts are that you should be careful not to assume too much about what they are feeling/thinking. Their track record of being honest with you is not good. To protect themselves, they may create twists and turns in their story which could wrong-foot you. I don't mean to be negative, just realistic after seeing how some of these things have played out in our family.

Some people stop at nothing to protect themselves, so there may be nothing that you can do to keep him stable throughout this. Things may happen in their relationship which is not related to you or the DCs. Its so important that you start to put yourself and the DCs first in your decisions. I hope that makes sense. Their 'relationship' is only recently public, the mist of the romance is lifting and reality is knocking hard at their door. Try and turn away from hoping it will work out for them. At the end of the day, that's something thats in the lap of the gods.

Embrace the healing power of the beach today! There is nothing quite like the wind in your face to lift your spirits.

Hi stillcrying,
I couldn't read this without posting. It seems that through a bloody awful situation you are maintaining your dignity and keeping a clear head. I just wanted to say how impressive you have been. I look forward to reading how you continue to rise and rise above this horrendous situation for the sake of yourself and your dc's.

Oh and have a good stomp on the beach!

Hi Stillcrying

Hope you have been ok today. Just read all this and felt I had to post about something you said earlier on. "He keeps saying he has been unhappy for ages and he cant believe I didn't notice." WTF? At what point did he have his tongue surgically removed so he couldn't tell you? People go through bad times in marriages, and if they care about the marriage they talk to their partner and try and make things better. So, either he didn't care enough, or as other posters have said, he's just rewriting history.

Again, hope you're ok.

Stillcrying i have just read the whole thread and i can tell you that i think you are handling this in an amazing way. You are being dignified and classy, two qualities the ow can never hope to have, and they are enduring qualities.

I dont want to go over all thats been said, all such good advice from ladies who have dealt with this situation. What i do want to say is this. In a few weeks or months, you will be further on and calmer, and able to sleep the sleep of the innocent. She, on the other hand, will never have a moments true peace again, not least because she is shacked up with a cheat and a liar. And that, my dear, is justice.

The best revenge is living well.

I keep telling myself that, and trying to grab hold of the positives. But actually all I want to do is show him how sad I am and make him see that he shouldn't have let it get this far. It just hurts so so much to be rejected in favour of someone else, who frankly isn't all that special. My whole sense of my adult self comes from my relationship with him. And I am so lonely, I miss having him around so so much to talk to. Even though I know he has proved himself to be a faithless, spineless, lying scumbag.

I will keep aiming for dignified and classy. But in truth, "devestated, bitter and slightly obsessed" is much closer to the truth.

Its never healthy to get your sense of self from another, as you are now leaning. And ok, you became so enmeshed in him and the family you created, but you were a confident woman when he met you. You will get her back again. Trust me, her plus more.

Of course you are devastated. A double betrayal is not minor. You think you want things back to how they were, but you dont even know who this guy is anymore. He is weak. Its easy to run into new, different arms, where the ow is enthralled and adoring. But that wanes, and when (not if) it does, he is just another divorced guy with another wife/gf and kids on weekends. He is the loser.

She's not special, she is not better than you, she is just new. I pity men who can't see what they are walking from. I don't pity you, you are going to come out of this so much stronger, wiser and happier. Hang in there, it will happen.

Oh god, I thought i was getting through this but he's just gone - came round to discuss access arrangements and money and it degenerated into a discussion about what went wrong. I let myself down so badly - I cried in front of him which I promised myself I wouldn't do any more, and asked him to explain what went wrong. He keeps saying "we grew apart" and takes my bewilderment at that as proof that we had, in fact, grown apart because I couldn't see we had nothing in common. I feel pathetic for crying in front of him when I promised myself I would be strong, and for begging him to tell me what she has that I don't. And then he said that when I find someone else, I will realise what we had was only friendship.

I just don't get it. I feel totally worthless and miserable. People keep telling me I'm being amazing but I am sitting here weeping because i wasn't good enough and he's gone back to her. No doubt to tell her how I wept and am so blind to the truth I am still putting all the blame on him.

Oh, please don't be so hard on yourself. This is still so much in the early days. I know you want to be this tough, cool amazonian but that will come. Right now I'm guessing you'll be swinging from one extreme to another.

Be good to yourself and cut yourself some slack.

He's obviously a twonk and not worth your attention. Who cares what he's saying to her? He's said worse in the past, I'd lay money on it. x

I feel so angry on your behalf and so very sorry for you. What a cruel and breathtakingly selfish man he is.

Please don't berate yourself for asking what went wrong. It's completely natural to want to know what happened. I can't believe that he is holding your trust against you like this.

I think it is actually no bad thing for him to see the raw distress he has caused.

Stillcrying, this is no consolation at all but you write so beautifully. Write about this - you could make a tonne of cash like that Eat Pray Love Coin It In woman.

I was where you are now a year ago. All I can say is it gets a lot, lot, lot better/easier. And it doesn't take long, either. Don't look ahead and see empty, bleak, blank decades ahead of you -- see a few stormy months, then one or two rainy ones, then the start of the sunshine.

My only advice is just to feel everything, every emotion you're having, let it out. I made an arse of myself in front of my H a good few times, but it's all fine now. Nobody (except maybe you) expects you to handle every day/hour/minute of this with dignity and grace. This is exactly the kind of situation that makes people messy, so say fuck it.

You really will be fine. You're handling this so beautifully, I'm amazed and so proud of you.

What a shithead he is. He's crafted out a flimsy moral highground and treating you with such disdain, I am angry for you.

I agree that he needs to see your emotions and although he is reacting in a self-serving way, I cannot believe that as your husband and father of your children, he is not aware how much he has hurt you and that the words he is spinning are utter crap.

Of course, the grass is greener on his side of the fence at the moment. Another woman without the daily concerns of children and the toll that takes on you personally and your relationship? Of course she provides him with an instant return to adolescence. Plus she has had the advantage of being part of your circle of friends and has had unique insight into how the two of you have been together through the years.

The betrayal is huge. His new relationship is still in the 'look how clever and in love we are' stage. And at the moment, he's hardly going to admit that he must have hurt you deeply by speaking to you in this way. Its so patronising, no wonder you reacted from your heart.

The only thing that went wrong is that he dumped the only good things he had in his life for the promise of someone making him feel like 18 again. And in his lust for the 'real thing', he decides that casting aside the last few years of his life is perfectly reasonable.

He's a git of the highest order. He has no right to make you feel this way and I want to try and send you some strength to not let this man destroy you emotionally.

Just read this and my heart goes out to you stillcrying - I have been where you are and I know it is an awful feeling.

My H took me completely by surprise and told me about ow, how much he loved her etc. He even did what your H did and said I should have noticed that he wasn't happy!!!

A lot of your story reminds me of what I went through. They do try to rewrite history and it made me feel sick about everything, even the births of our babies, with him sat at my side.

I am amazed at your strength so early on in this - I wasn't capable of stringing two words together for a few weeks .

But there is light at the end of the tunnel. And one day, I am sure, he will regret what he has done but it will be too late (my H has and yes, it is too late).

Thank you all. There's a certain satisfaction in holding it together but it makes the crashes worse. I am so cheered to hear there is light at the end of the tunnel and that some of you made it through in one piece. I will keep posting (not now, am going to bed...) as your wise words are hugely reassuring and very comforting.

It really is the same every time, isn't it? Have you read that book, The Script? It's all in there. It's almost formulaeic.