I am in pieces

[stillcrying]

dh walked out last night. No warning, no discussion. He told me he'd been having an affair for two years and is in love with her. I feel sick and haven't slept at all. We've got two small children, and I had absolutely no idea this was going on. I thought he loved me. What do I do now? I don't think I can bear it.

He doesn't understand that you need time to recover from the shock of Monday - a matter of a few days - before you can even remotely consider letting them take care of your children. I think its outrageous that he's even going down this path now.

In his head he is much further along this route, and isn't taking into account that this is all very new and very raw for you.

You might just want to hold your children close to you for the comfort that brings. Personally I want to wrap us all up in a bubble and leave H on the outside.

f course he moved on a long, long time ago, and so expects you to have in a matter of days? I'm furious with this man for you.

Stillcrying I am so very sorry to read your thread , its astonishing how people can behave and for me far and away the worst part is that after everything they have done he thinksyou are being unreasonable at not wanting your dc to go near her. Its inconceivable really.

I insisted my dc werent introduced to the ow at all and that was adhered to for around 4 months but I didnt have the added pain of it being someone close to them. Sadly I expect you will have to rely on him to realise its unacceptable for the time being.

As so many have said be gentle on yourself it took me a while to be able to deal with solicitors etc and I spent a lot of time staring into space. My exh was good about money etc though and sorry to say someone who thinks as your h does may be selfish about money too so maybe if you can face it so sooner rather than later it would be a good idea to get advice .

Also Stillcrying as this sinks in you will probably angrier and sadder for some time to come. Your family and friends sound wonderful and that kind of support is invaluable just as the support on MN is.

I wish there was a way of taking away your pain and fast tracking you to the future. You havent said whether you were happy in the marriage ? Either way you will get through this and you sound strong and determined to conduct yourself as you have in this shattering situation.

Big hugs

X post yes something you will encounter again and again is how they are so far down the road mentally because they moved on long ago. That is something I struggled to deal with

Same as me gettingeasier. Stillcrying maybe you should appeal to his better nature (if he has one !) to say that 'yes I realise that the DC will have to meet the OW oneday, but I am not ready to discuss this yet & please let's not talk about it again until I am ready'. I will say that it was difficult for me in the same situation, however as someone has already posted earlier, your husband who has already moved on & therefore thinks stupidly that you are all now ready to get on with your new lives, will have to deal with a similiar situation when you find someone new & he will then start to understand how this feels....my husband suddenly decided that he wanted to come back home, upon the onset of my first new relationship, but like you luckily I was strong & could never have taken the risk that he was going to break my heart again !

Good advice re meeting OW. Do hold it off for a while. It may be that their bubble will have burst a lot by then. Sorry youre having to deal with such unbelievable insensitivity but it is not unusual as they have moved on a long time ago.

The breathtaking cheek of this request and its insensitivity shouldn't astound me, but it does.

At the moment, just say "No, that will not be happening."

You can revise this later but it is massively inappropriate for your DCs to see this horrible pair as a couple right now. He is thinking only of himself in this - and her. He is not giving any thought to the bewilderment and confusion of the DCs and of course, no consideration for your pain either.

Have you managed to piece together yet the story of all this?

This thread makes me feel so sick for you, I went through the same as counting - while I was away at a family funeral, XH brought the OW to our home where he was looking after the dc's. It was breathtakingly wrong, and still stands out to me as being the most cruel and painful thing he did.

Please don't let him make you think you're being unreasonable, you really aren't - spending time with OW at this stage just isn't in the best interests of the dc's and if you keep that uppermost in mind, you'll be fine.

The pair of them sound utterly poisonous and you will undoubtedly be better off in the long run. I know it's bloody awful at the moment though, take all the support you can.

Are u ok stillcrying ?

I hope you are with someone who is holding your hand x

How does he think your children will react if they see her as being the reason that he's left them? I think his comfy illusions about it all being OK will get blown out of the water quite quickly - five year olds are perceptive and they're not EVER going to see the OW as being a second mummy, no matter how much they may have liked her beforehand and what your delusional exH might think, they're going to see that daddy isn't living with mummy because of OW and they will resent her for it.

He's being ridiculously cruel and self centered to expect you to be OK with the situation. Get everything nailed down legally as soon as you are able - I think his twisted idea of playing happy families with your children and the OW will fade when the realisation that he's only going to see the children every other weekend sinks in.

My Dad did exactly this to my Mum (my brother and I were much older than your children though) and although we maintain OK relations it took years to get it back on track with me, and my brother still barely has anything to do with him. We're both much much closer to my Mum though since it happened. I really feel for you as I've seen how horrible this kind of thing can be for the wronged party, I hope you're doing OK. You sound like you're being amazing.

I am in awe of all of you who've been through this and are still standing. It's been a very long day with many tears. Will try and update tomorrow, am seeing solicitor in the morning. The more I find out the worse it gets. My children are incredible, dd is being so wise and sweet but is clearly so confused. They are a massive comfort and I have been blown away by the huge outpouring of support from my (and his) friends

Hi stillcrying. I won't pretend that it is all sweetness and light, after a few weeks of being ok I've started crying myself to sleep again. But you're doing great and I completely believe you should get the horrible stuff out of the way while you're feeling so crap, then you don't have to go through it again while you're starting to come out the other side.
I went through periods of realising things, finding huge mobile phone bills and once a love letter. Each time it was a huge blow but I'm glad I got them out of the way early on because I know I don't have to go through the shock again. I have also had lots of support of friends who were his friends first, iyswim, which was too a great comfort.

You will get through this. Concentrate on securing funds, perhaps through a separate bank account. Make sure your solicitor knows you want what's best for your children. Try to keep busy. Splash out on a load of make up (it made me feel a whole lot better!)

If you ban your OH from seeing OW for now he might not like it, you might not be completely in the right legally, but there's not an awful lot he can do about it unless he went to court. And who knows what can happen in the next few weeks?

Still crying, I gasped out loud when I read the OW is the godmother.

So sorry to hear about this bewildering double betrayal. Does the godmother have family/husband too?

Your h has clearly lost his grip on reality if he thinks it's OK to introduce your young children to the OW so early, and against your wishes. what a selfish b***d.

My h left v recently and seems to think we can jump straight to a point that usually takes years and 2 mature adults to reach, where you live close and co-parent in a relaxed and informal way.

I do think it takes an enormous level of selfishness to behave as your h has done, and so this is just a continuation of that awful behaviour.

You are far, far better off without him.

As someone said on my thread, better to live in the pain of the truth, than the ignorance of the lie.

Hugs.

This may not be appropriate but of course your ex and the OW having the children (particularly when they are so young) provides them with a very real wake up call as to the reality of the situation.

There will be no more wafting around in their loved up haze, sipping wine over long lunches and congratulating each other on how fab they are. At the moment they are not living RL - no bad thing that they do.

Instead they will be dealing with bum wiping, constant demands for drinks, breaking up fights, mediating arguments over who sits where on the sofa and general melt down at bedtime (at least if my 4 & 5 year old are anything to go by)

I know it must be very painful but try and let that thought console you just a little.

Stillcrying I am thinking about you and just popped onto the thread to send a hug

That's a really good point, nancy. Nothing like having 2 small dc's around to put the dampeners on romance! Although it might be a bit raw for the OP to see it that way now, I think time helps so much in these situations.

A year, and a new DP on, I'm actually enjoying the dc-free time I get - including the delight of the odd child-free holiday to begin with, I hated it to the point of feeling physically sick. I still hate the thought of OW being near them, but have grown to accept it. I think you drive yourself mad if you don't - over time, of course.

stillcrying, you really are doing so well. I bet all of us who've been through it spent time feeling the way you do now, but it will get better, I promise you that. And that goes for you too, shaz10 - it's such a rollercoaster and I still get the odd bad day too.

I don't have anything to say that hasn't been said already.

I just wanted to add my support to you, as somebody who went through almost the same thing nine years ago with three DCs under 7.

OW was introduced the first weekend he had them and I still remember doing my fishwife on the front door step that he get his "fucking car and that bitch off my property". It makes me cringe now to think of me on that day but it finally made me get angry and take control.

As you will. There is so much for you to be dealing with, whilst still being a mum also.

Do what feels right for you now. Take each day as it comes and don't hide your emotions or dismiss them. They are real and should be acknowledged.

As a footnote, nine years on.... I am now married to my wonderful DH whom I met the first time I went out after my split.

You will get through this. You are an amazing woman. And your H is a twat

You know, I don't know what he is any more. I don't even hate him right now - some of the things he's said make me feel desperately sorry for him. He keeps saying he has been unhappy for ages and he cant believe I didn't notice. I think he really thinks that although I did say that was another example of his selfishness in making this my fault for ignoring it. Of all the cliches the one he hasn't had the grace to use is "it isn't you, it's me".

There's just so much to do and decide. I need to get an interim financial arrangement in place. That means all sorts of calls to banks etc. Things keep breaking - burglar alarm, back door lock, my phone. And the children are being incredibly demanding -- darlings, but very needy.

I did send her an email telling her what I think and it did make me feel better. And I am seeing him this afternoon to try and answer some questions. I feel so empty and bleak.

Sorry, stillcrying, but he's a Class A prick. So is his little ho.

I hope one of these days, you know that you're better off without him.

He's about as self-centred as it gets.

Stillcrying, please don't waste your head space feeling sorry him - he brought all this on himself. I wouldn't believe anything coming out his mouth atm either. My DH didn't know the truth when it came up and smacked him between the eyes - swore black was white.

And a word of warning, don't get into too much contact with OW, she has her own agenda, her own version of the truth and she is as bad as him. You have sent her that email, don't feel that you have to respond to any reply as it may give her/him ammunition IYSWIM to confirm everything he has said about you and what she thinks she knows about you - dignity at all times .

Try the website Beyondaffairs.com, it is a bit american but I found it very useful at the time. We could really do with something like it over here, they seem to have support groups in other countries.

Take care of yourself, my DC got me through the day at times

Can I just say that i think you are being amazing (even if it doesn't seem so to you) Your husband leaving like that must have been a monumental shock - I can't begin to imagine how you felt.

I'm very, very glad you are getting so much support from family and friends.

Respect

Can't believe you didn't notice? How in God's name was it your responsibility to guess he was having an affair? I'm glad you recognise that for the BS it is.

I was saying on another thread recently, that because of the enormous trust default in a loving relationship, an affair is normally the last thing anyone considers, especially if someone has never been through the pain of infidelity. And in your case, that trust default extended to your "friend".

If you had have suspected anything, or queried any change in behaviour, have absolutely no doubt that until he was committed to leave, he would have lied through his teeth to you and fobbed you off with work stresses or depression as being the cause.

All he is trying to do is to mimimise the guilt by pretending that this wasn't as great a shock to you, because making you feel stupid for not tumbling this makes him feel better. I'm so glad you're not falling for it. You have done nothing wrong whatsoever. If you'd been a jealous, questioning person, he would have blamed you for that too. Take huge comfort that you have behaved like a normal, sane rational woman who trusted. Never let anyone make you feel ashamed of that.

I'm glad you've been able to say your piece to the OW. I hope you made her squirm. Whatever script she's following, there is just no getting away from the fact that she has betrayed you in a horrible way. No amount of rationalising can ever convince her or others that she has behaved with decency.

I really hope you get some answers to the myriad of questions you must have. Have you given any thought yet to what I was saying downthread about trying to reconstruct the last two years so that it now makes sense?

whenwillI is so right (as usual) I did suspect XH (after I'd exhausted every other theory) but he fobbed me off with anything and everything to explain his odd behaviour. Now I read these threads and realise he was an absolute textbook case of someone having an affair. Looking back, it was the fact he was a totally untrustworthy liar that was the issue, not my naivety in believing him.

Well done on saying your piece to OW, but try and leave it there if you can. Don't be drawn into any other communication with her - if you feel the urge to get in touch, talk it through with a friend first. Mine stopped me sending all sorts of emails, sometimes I wrote them and just saved them as drafts and that really helped.

I am so very sorry for you and full of admiration about the way you are coping.

You have been doubly betrayed so it must be doubly hard to bear.

It upsets me though to hear that you are feeling sorry for him. Please don?t waste any of your energy doing this. If he had been feeling unhappy, then he is an adult ? he could have opened his mouth and told you, and should have told you.

And then you would have had the chance to work together to resolve the things that were bothering him

But he denied you the opportunity to do that and instead decided (because it is a decision, not an inevitability) to start an affair and to lie, deceive and betray you.

How can he possibly think that you should have guessed and seen through the web of lies he was busy creating and so all this is somehow you fault? It makes be so angry. He is trying, in an utterly selfish and cowardly way, to transfer the blame on to you. It is a load of rubbish and I am glad you can see through it.

I asked him to meet me yesterday to explain. It was awful, he said it's been ages since he felt happy and now he does. I can't believe he took all my choices away, at every stage he made the decision that was right for him. He tried to convince me not to blame her, that she is "very upset" blah blah blah. At times I was speechless then other times I was nearly hysterical.

He's coming to see the children tomorrow. He swears he wants to be a good and involved parent and will do whats best for them. I have to believe him - he has always been a great dad until this. But I can see that this "they go nowhere near her" line isn't going to work, because he has nowhere to go as none of his friends are prepared to see him ( though I suspect if it was a case of providing somewhere for him to take the children they would) and as the weather gets worse out all day is not an option. So I have to wander the streets of London until 8pm so he can put them to bed. I have to do the right thing so he can feel better about himself.

My children are amazing. ds is whiney and clingy but dd is being incredibly mature. I am worried that what she witnessed last weekend
will affect her further down the line but she's being very brave. I told them he was coming tomorrow and neither seemed at all interested. Neither have they asked when they are going to see her, which given they adore her and used to see a lot of her is weird, especially as they know he is with her.

Am so tired. I'm waking at 4.30 every morning unable to go back to sleep. Food makes me feel sick. I am in knots and so worried about everything.

Still crying

Just read your response on my thread. Thank you.

There's nothing wrong with him seeing you hysterical at this point. Anything to try to make him realise what he's done to you. But if he's anything like my h, he won't really let it penetrate. Too busy minimising in his head the impact of his actions on me and the children.

But once you feel you've said what you need to, it will be time to drop the drawbridge, emotionally. It helped me a lot to have a full week or so of no contact at all. Eventually I realised that my h was the wrong person to complain to. Not enough empathy, or sympathy.

The 4.30 waking is exactly what I was doing for something like 3 weeks, until about 4 or 5 days ago. Weird thing. Like clockwork. I started taking a herbal remedy with Valerian in it, called NiteHerb, and it worked. Going through the night now. I don't even care if it's a placebo effect.

And lots of people on my thread recommended exercise, which is hard to do when you're looking after kids on your own, but any opportunity to run around with them in the park might help you sleep better.

Hugs.