I am in pieces

[stillcrying]

dh walked out last night. No warning, no discussion. He told me he'd been having an affair for two years and is in love with her. I feel sick and haven't slept at all. We've got two small children, and I had absolutely no idea this was going on. I thought he loved me. What do I do now? I don't think I can bear it.

Well my reaction would be that OW will "have to walk the streets of London till 8p.m." - not you. Do not agree to him coming to you to see the DCs. That will be too painful for you at the moment. As an alternative, let him take the DCs to his parents/siblings or any friends that will as you say, let him see them there.

Did he give you enough information so that you can piece together when this started; enough to make some sense of the last 2 years?

Do be aware that in these situations, a lot of unfaithful people re-write history and claim longstanding unhappiness. Trust your own memory better.

Have you given some thought to some counselling just for you?

He's trying to get you to be nice to her because SHE is upset! I'm glad she's upset, in face I hope she's bloody miserable and coming to the realisation that she is a faithless betraying witch and everyone knows it.

You don't have to do the right thing so he can feel better about himself. You have to do the right thing for you and your DC. Having their dad come around pretending nothing is wrong is not what's best for them right now in my opinion. You wandering the streets is ABSOLUTELY definitely not what is best for them or you.

If you can bear to speak to him, arrange with his parents for him to see the children there - otherwise, he can come and see them for a couple of hours in the afternoon while you go out. If he wants to tuck people into bed and pretend he's a decent human being then he can go home and do it with the OW, she's about the only person who will fall for that act.

I just want to give you a massive hug and/or run him over with a large truck. Don't let him walk all over you - set boundaries for him and make him stick to them, he forfitted ANY right to feel good about himself when he behaved so utterly appallingly.

WWIFN - I think taking them to her house without her there will confuse them further at present. It will be fine - I will make sure that he does Saturdays where possible, he can take them to his parents (though they are a long way away) and so on. The children and I have a two week holiday booked in October going to visit family overseas so that will be really good. My mum is coming too, and has said I can lie in the garden of my aunt's house with a book all fortnight if needed.

I saw a counsellor this week. She was wonderful and made a lot of sense. I I'll definitely go and see her again soon. After yesterday I don't feel any need to sit with him and hear him justify himself to someone. It's too hideous.

I have said I would like him to seek some advice before I allow him too much access to the children. I think he needs some perspective as at the moment it's all about him. And I also said, though I reserve the right to change my mind, that she needs to explain herself to me before she can see the children.

The last two years don't make much sense. I can see when they found the opportunities to be together. If I told you the story of their relationship you would say "well of COURSE
they were having an affair". I once nearly posted a reply on MN (would have been my first post!) to a thread where a woman had suspicions about her husband. It was so similar to our situation that I wanted to say, contradicting everyone else, "he may not be having an affair; I know dh isn't".

But no one imagined they were because they hid it so well. He continued to be kind and loving to me until last weekend, so I don't believe his "I was so tortured" line.

WWIFN - I think taking them to her house without her there will confuse them further at present. It will be fine - I will make sure that he does Saturdays where possible, he can take them to his parents (though they are a long way away) and so on. The children and I have a two week holiday booked in October going to visit family overseas so that will be really good. My mum is coming too, and has said I can lie in the garden of my aunt's house with a book all fortnight if needed.

I saw a counsellor this week. She was wonderful and made a lot of sense. I I'll definitely go and see her again soon. After yesterday I don't feel any need to sit with him and hear him justify himself to someone. It's too hideous.

I have said I would like him to seek some advice before I allow him too much access to the children. I think he needs some perspective as at the moment it's all about him. And I also said, though I reserve the right to change my mind, that she needs to explain herself to me before she can see the children.

The last two years don't make much sense. I can see when they found the opportunities to be together. If I told you the story of their relationship you would say "well of COURSE
they were having an affair". I once nearly posted a reply on MN (would have been my first post!) to a thread where a woman had suspicions about her husband. It was so similar to our situation that I wanted to say, contradicting everyone else, "he may not be having an affair; I know dh isn't".

But no one imagined they were because they hid it so well. He continued to be kind and loving to me until last weekend, so I don't believe his "I was so tortured" line.

I should also add, this thread is very therapeutic. And free...

sorry, I meant pull up the drawbridge, emotionally. I'm sure you knew that!

I agree, the OW owes you an explanation. Why should she be able to hide behind your h? I fear that nothing she says will be of any comfort, but it will make her squirm.

I sent an email to the OW. Not the most dignified of things to do, but I do know her, and it felt good to do. And now I can just let it be.

I sent an email too. Helped a lot.

stillcrying. Just read this long thread.

You are a star and being so strong. Keep your dignity intact, you will thank yourself in the long run for not losing it and you will not have to cringe with embarrassment when you look back.

He can come over for short slots of 2 hours for access at your house without OW until you have made legal access agreement. Perfect time for you to do shopping or have a coffee and your hair done. The very thought of you walking streets of London is intolerable.

Your DD of 5 is likely to know what's going on, girls are very smart. Also you have no control over what H is saying to her. Think about right thing to tell DC sooner rather than later, take advice from school and counsellor.

His appalling statements about how could you not see I was so unhappy are cruel and emotional blackmail which made me very cross. That is blatant attempt to manipulate you and make himself feel better.

Be strong. The sisterhood are with you in spirit. You will get through this.

So very sorry you are going through this The shock at discovering your h has been unfaithful for years is earth shattering alone.....but for that announcement to come directly before his departure is just too awful for words. I've been through something similar, only my h only wanted a casual relationship with OW. When you feel like it, have a look at the linked threads - it might help you to see that other women have experienced the same emotions you are battling with now - and have come through it (or as in the case of SandSad still on that journey). Whenwillifeelnormal and Countingto10 have wonderful, wise advice and could probably write a book between them
Like SandSad said.....please remember to eat. If food sticks in your throat, have soup or nutriment drink. But lack of food wreaks even more havoc on your emotional state and leaves you feeling physically weak. It's great that you have lots of RL support Let them fuss over you and help you with the dc - don't feel you have to be strong all the time. You are allowed to be vulnerable, to cry, shout...... and it's important to vent. I am delighted that despite this terrible shock you are able to think clearly and rationally. Not sure I was able to do that. On that note, don't let your h's warped thinking distort your perception on the situation. He is being completely unreasonable, totally insensitive, and ultimately self-absorbed at even suggesting that your dc see the ow. That, imo, needs to be handled very sensitively indeed. How confusing for a 5 and 3 yr old to find out that their beloved godmother is now their father's girlfriend. That revelation will evoke a lot of emotions in them. He has an astoundingly arrogant sense of entitlement here
Oh and another thing............this "how could you notice I wasn't happy" crap is just that. Crap! He's just trying to justify his actions. Glad you're not buying it.

Am going back to work today. Dreading it.
He really is 100% fine and happy - I came back around 6 yesterday (agreed with all of you that walking the streets wasn't the answer) and he was extremely chirpy and telling me about the lovely day they'd had. And told me he'd cleaned the kitchen, which I am sure he thought was a nice thing to do, but actually made me want to hit him.
People keep telling me I will look back and realise I'm better without him, will have a fabulous time etc, but if I could choose not to know this and carry on, right now I think I would.

Of course you want things to go back to pre-finding this out - who wouldn't? It's not even about him, he's taken away all your normality and stability.

He's fine and happy because he still believes that he can have it all, swan in and be the perfect dad when he fancies then bugger off to the the OW. Doing something like cleaning the kitchen is incredibly intrusive, it's not his space to clean anymore. Can you get a close friend to come home with you next time you come back from a visitation? It might make it easier to stonewal him - there is no reason for him to tel you all about his lovely day - the most you need to say to him is hello and goodbye. Any other stunts like the kitchen just tell him something like "That's totally inappropriate, leave things as you find them but this is not your home anymore so please don't interfere in my space". Don't engage further than that.

How are the DC managing with his visit and the general situation? I know it feels like hell at the moment, but you are coping incredibly well with a nightmare situation. Long term you need to burst his little bubble with firm boundaries - get to see a solicitor if you can and start working out a plan. Don't let him suggest anything to you as a financial or visitation plan, lock up the joint accounts if you haven't done already and remember the ball is in your court here.

Hope work goes OK. xxx

I think its important to get control back in your life sooner rather than later. Right now your soon to be ex has the control, its up to you to regain control. So firstly , money - do you have joint bank account? You need to know that he can't take away money that you are entitled to both in long term and short term. He has made his bed, he will have to lie in it. If this is the choice he has made, at some point the two of you will have to made arrangements over money and house etc. Doubt very much whether he has thought this through properly yet? You need to be one step ahead of him for your sake and your kids sake. Seek legal advice about money and house URGENTLY!! However, at this stage DO NOT TELL HIM YOU WILL DO THIS yet.
Sadly, and I know you don't want to think about this but if he is living with this woman he would be bringing kids to live in her house etc so you cant really deny access just because of other woman even if you may want to. In time when things calm down etc when you get into a new routine the time kids are spent with Dad will be time you can have to yourself.

On another note, just out of interest,does the other woman have her own kids??

She doesn't have her own children. She used to say she was using mine to practice until she had her own.

Solicitors are involved and am going to bank this morning to lock down money. He thinks I'm being ridiculous, I think he's being a tosser

On the kitchen, I would have been equally furious if he'd left it in a mess after tea. It was the way he expected thanks that enraged me.

The shock is starting to subside. I'm moving into anger now which is quite cathartic. I don't really "do" anger so this is a new experience for me.

Stillcrying, it was the unbelieveable arrogance that got me to the anger stage - don't do what I did though (actually punched DH (OW then suggested to him that he had me arrested for assault - had taken my DC's father away and wanted to get their mother off the scene too - realised then that OW had her own agenda to have my life, preferably with full custody of my DC, yes she did suggest that to my H ! ). It was after she suggested that I was arrested that the scales began to fall from his eyes wrt OW.

You are doing really well, use your anger to get things moving, to let them both know you will not take this lying down. Get proper boundaries in place, what you want and what suits you and the DC not him and her. And keep your own counsel - do not give him any information about what you are doing, day to day stuff etc. I even changed the answerphone message to from just me and purposely let it cut in when I knew he was calling - it sent him a message IYSWIM that I too could move on. He did comment on it too.

Good luck and keep looking after yourself.

Stillcrying you h sounds like he is either in complete denial about what is happening or has fast forwarded emotionally to an amazing extent. I mean was he a domestic god when you were together because the kitchen thing just sounds weird imo.

I think you sound like you are handling this with amazing strength and dignity. How do your dc seem ? Sadly I agree even though its probably the last thing you want to face the legal things need to be dealt with.

You will sway between heartbreak , anger , despair , disbelief abd a whole range of feelings you never imagined for a while to come. But it does get better and you will get through as so many of us MNers who have this crap to endure know

Be kind to yourself and keep asking for all the support you need

Just wanted to say, I am following your thread and it's helping me through my own hell too.

Hope your first day back at work was ok. For me going to work is keeping me sane. It is a time when I get to not be the victim for a while (haven't told them yet). First few days were really hard but hang in there, it will help.

Not quite at the anger stage yet, and it's been just over 3 weeks. Still so sad and horrified. Can feel the possibility of slipping in to blaming myself. Know I was part of the relationship and need to take responsibility for my part in where we have come to but feel I having been trying for so long, and realise now he gave up long ago.

Know for sure, his problems are going with him, but he is leaving some new ones behind for us to deal with.

God it hurts.

I believe that what goes around comes around, just you wait and see what happens in the future, although it may not help right now, I suspect this relationship wont last long.

How was work? Has it helped you at all? Like a kinda distraction type thing? Hope you are ok? Just take things day by day. It will take time, but just like a wound the healing will get better.

Just out of interest what do his parents have to say about their son?
When are you seeing a solicitor?

I am back to work on Monday too. How did it go? How did you cope with telling everyone? Did you manage to do it without breaking down? I am sure your colleagues are being supportive and kind.

NewXBea - you poor love. My friends are doing a wonderful job of bigging up the bright and exciting future ahead of me, but it seems a long way off. I don't know your circumstances, but don't blame yourself - yes, you were part of the relationship but if he walked out then the responsibility for that lies squarely with him. There are ways of doing these things that are kind, and ways that are unkind. Sadly, my husband chose the latter.

But I agree, work is a great help - was lovely to think about something else for a while.

dd is very upset and confused. She's trying hard to make sense of it all but doesn't really know the right questions to ask. One thing to come out of this is a renewed appreciation for my children - I seem to have acquired this extreme patience with them, which isn't like me at all, and I'm not trying particularly. But I cannot bring myself to snap at them because I've realised how enormously special they are.

Sigh. I am going to go to bed and try and get some sleep.

Sorry, had this open for so long that I didn't see the other posts.

My colleagues are being very sweet. Only my boss and my friend know the detail - the others have just been told that we've split up. I don't want to give them detail and I don't particularly care what they think. And I didn't tell them - my boss told the team secretary who put the word about in a sensitive way. I'm getting a lot of support from the people who matter, both practical and emotional. And it is a relief to have something that uses my brain in a different way.

I have seen a solicitor. She's great. I know this is a public forum, so won't go into details.

His parents are horrified.

Countingto10 - I meant to say, I read your message, then I looked up the user manual for our phone, and changed the message. For me, that's a big step - I would ALWAYS have got him to do that. Made me feel a little bit better.

Thanks Stillcyring.

Mostly I don't blame myself, it was just last night, he said "we hadn't taken care of our love"...
So I spent the whole night thinking about all the time and energy I've put in to the last year to getting his affection, encouraging him to take more time with us as a family, and more time to himself (to deal with his own depression and major issues after losing his parents). - HA! now I know what he did with that time, what a fool I feel!
He needs to see that he was the one who didn't take care of our love. He wasn't able to, sadly.
Yes I've been loving the time with a our toddler, and I don't think he can quite forgive me somehow, for remaining mostly happy despite the fact he was so miserable and was pulling his love away.

Worst thing is I still think he's a wonderful person on some level (You can't forget 13 good years because of one bad one). When I tell him that he bursts in to tears...

"we hadn't taken care of our love"

What horrible, manipulative, self indulgent twaddle. I hope you threw something heavy at his head.

I've cried so much over the last few days. It's so heartbreaking because I really do think that if he'd just said something, anything, we could had got some help and tried to work it out. But he didn't say a word, all the time he was "falling out of love with me and in love with her". I don't know whether the "out of love with me" happened first. He claims so but he's keen that I shouldn't think badly of her. It makes me feel like vie failed - like I wasn't interesting or glamorous or kind enough, and I hate that feeling as it's crushing.

We've come a long way. There have been some grown up discussions about the children. I am really struggling to hold it together in front of them some of the time, but I hope that will get easier.

I still can't eat anything. Am forcing down food but it makes me feel sick. Am also getting horrible stomach pains. GP seemed super keen to give me ADs but I don't want pills. I just want my life back.

He is trying to make himself feel better. People do, they rewrite history. So as he isn't a bad person (at least in his head) he couldn't have just started fancying someone else, and then wanted an affair. No there must have been something wrong with your relationship first. Obviously he must have fallen out of love with you before in love with her.

This is rubbish. Being in love is no basis for a marriage, its committed love that works (for better for worse etc.). He is saying this stuff to make himself feel better. It just makes you feel worse. Do get angry, you are entitled.

ADs might help. Sorry but there isn't a time machine to take things back, you need to survive and move on.

I'd stop seeing him, and deal with the practicalities through lawyers. You need to move on, without him (he isn't helping).

Good luck!