I am in pieces

[stillcrying]

dh walked out last night. No warning, no discussion. He told me he'd been having an affair for two years and is in love with her. I feel sick and haven't slept at all. We've got two small children, and I had absolutely no idea this was going on. I thought he loved me. What do I do now? I don't think I can bear it.

So sorry. You must feel as though you have been hit by a truck. There is no feeling like it.

You said that there was "no discussion" and if that means that you are still in the dark about the details of the affair, then I'm afraid this is a typically cowardly response from someone who wanted to get the message out, but didn't have the balls to give you some understanding.

All the advice about how to cope with the acute nature of this crisis is absolutely sound, but I suspect you will need a lot more information from him to piece together how your world came to crash down without warning. He owes you this much.

I would echo the advice about being dignified but cold with him, but I do think you need some information. Therefore I would insist that he spends some time with you telling you his version of events. I will warn you that a lot of this will be delusions, re-writing of history (to justify what he has been doing) and outright lies, but try to focus on indisputable facts, such as when it started, who knows, when and how often they met etc.

The reason I am suggesting all this to you is in case you are like me and need to make sense of the last 2 years. It really helped me to timeline everything and it sort of gives you back your power when you start to fit the jigsaw pieces together. Things like when he perhaps said he was stressed, or didn't want to attend an event with you....with your new knowledge, you can rewrite these things for yourself, this time with the truth.

One of the things I often recommend too in a shock situation is to spend some time analysing when you last felt truly happy. This question often allows us to pinpoint more accurately when affairs started - and allows us to see that the stories some betrayers weave about being unhappy first and in consequence had an affair, are nonsense. More often than not, the affair started and this led to dissatisfaction in the marriage.

I must also echo the advice not to beg or plead. Contempt would be good, but coldness will do. He must be under no illusions that he has lost everything. Ask your parents though to give you some space to talk.

Take any mothering and pampering you can get at the moment, because you are in shock. You will feel disbelief that the world is still turning and that other people are getting on with their everyday lives. Regard any help as help to your DCs, because they will need you to be strong and fit.

Do keep posting.

You poor poor thing, my heart goes out to you.

All of this will pass, you will get through this and you will be OK. Thankfully you are here now and the awesome ladies above will have all the best advice and those of us that are inexperienced in this directly are here to hold your hand and hear you out.

huge you will be OK, we will make sure of it!

SC, I'm so sorry for you and your dc. Do let to let your parents look after your little ones and focus on yourself.

Can you check what your H has taken when he left? Passport, bank docs? I know you must be in shock but do try and ring the bank and make them aware of what happened.

Let your dc school know what has happened and that no one can take them out of school without your prior consent and also that the teachers know and can be gentle with your dd and ds.

In the days to come let the council know you live alone, so the tax will go down. Try and accumulate as many docs as you can re bank statements and pension. Your solicitor will need them. Also go to another bank and open up an account solely in YOUR name and direct child tax credits there.

Do not think too much about OW. Please focus on your dc and take every day as it comes. Keeping yourself busy will help. Do you work? Maybe spoil yourself, have a long hot bath or go and see a movie. Definitely speak to a friend and meet her.

Thank you all. There's so much good advice here and I will read it all thoroughly tomorrow.

He collected his things this evening - to those who said be composed, you would have been so proud. I said nothing abusive, I didn't cry or beg. I told him I was speaking to a solicitor tomorrow and would let him know when he could see the children, on my terms, after that. And that at some point I would want him to explain himself to me, and answer my questions.

My friends have been truly amazing, and his mother has emailed to say how sorry and ashamed he is, and his sister, who I love, called. He has burned so many bridges, I just think he has no idea. We all (and I mean all, including my children) knew and trustees the woman he has gone off with. She's my son's godmother.

I am still reeling but finding it more bearable than yesterday. And tomorrow will be better.

Goodness, you are doing so well. Be prepared to feel all sorts of emotions over the next few days and weeks, I went through the whole range before I started to feel I knew which way was up.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, and especially that it was someone close that he was involved with. It must feel like a double whammy. Try and focus on moving forwards through this, and possibly arrange some counselling if you can - it really helped me to talk to someone who was independent. You will get through this.

Sounds as though you were amazing this evening, and have surrounded yourself with just the support network you need.

Kudos to his Mum and sister too.

You're strong OP, you will make it through this x

stillcrying, I feel I don't have the knowledge or the authority to give you useful advice, but I just wanted to let you know that another woman here is listening to you and wishing I could give you a big hug. Based in the way you write, you sound like a very strong woman. It is so unfair that two people you loved and trusted betrayed you like this. I am fuming in your behalf.

Please keep active, and keep writing. I hope you get your happiness back as soon as possible, however it happens. I will be here reading you.

SC, I am glad you have found strength in your circle of friends and family. This is worth so so much and will help you through the hard times. I am very sad to hear your trust has been betrayed by the very person you thought would care for your family - a godparent. I am not sure what to say really. Just shocked and thinking of you.

WWIFN is giving you great advice, as she has previously done on a few threads. She is very wise, I hope you can take each day as it comes. Do not feel like YOU are the one having to tell the dc. I think you should sit down both together with them and let him do the talking. That's why you'll need to speak to him eye to eye -alone. For their sake as much as yours.

I had a reasonable night's sleep then woke up at 5.15am and couldn't stop crying. There's so much to do, I'm realising that I need to make arrangements and decisions quickly to secure finances - I believe that right now he has good intentions, but there's a good chance they will vanish over time. I'm going to speak to a solicitor this morning, sort out the council tax and ring the burglar alarm company because the stupid arsing burglar alarm went off at 5.45am for no obvious reason. So am alternating between getting on with stuff and staring into space wondering what I did wrong and how I managed to miss what was going on under my nose for years.

I just read your thread and think you are an amazing person.

As someone said you will go through emotions and ups and downs.

What I found looking back that learning who I am again took absolute ages and reopened old wounds, parts of my past I tried to forget.

I needed the help of a therapist and that is helping me to move on.

All the best :)

Hugs -Ive been here and it is hell.

It will get better I promise.

Just keep posting and getting support.

You will have bad days but they will pass. Look after yourself and little kids -that is the most important thing. Try to not make decisions when you are very emotionally upset -they may not be the best decisions.

I also knew my OW- had been in social circle and guest at wedding etc. IMHO do not contact her at all. Take the high road always, be dignified. It will pay dividends long term. It is fine to be angry at her but long term you need to deal with your anger. Also and it took me a long time to get here but the OW shouldnt be the main focus of anger. Its easier to be angrier at her because you loved your H but it is he who really betrayed you - and to be honest if it hadnt been her it would have been someone else.

It is a good idea to have some counselling when you feel like ti -it really really helps.

Poor you. Is there anyone else who can sit with you and go through bank statements, call the council, etc? Please don't let the enormity of what has happened swallow you. Try and take each day as it comes.

The man you called your H has changed and you are right to assume that the peace might not last. You didn't do anything wrong, you didn't 'drive' him to do what he did. He made the decision to become involved with that woman and that's his choice. You are understandably sad and upset now but when the anger comes (and it will), then you'll find your energy levels increase.

Have you called your dd's school? Just as a precaution to let them know how things will be from now on when the new year starts.

SC, I doubt very much that you did anything wrong!

I experienced a lot of self blame too and I think it was more easy, at some points, to blame myself than accept that I had been so deeply deceived - but there is no shame in having been deceived! He is very much in the wrong here. You trusted the one you love, there is no wrong in that.

It can be a difficult and turbulent time in these early days. I hope he has the good grace to enlighten you as to the whys and hows but until he chooses to divulge this information, try not to drive yourself mad with wondering. Affairs and the behaviour surrounding them can be unfathomable to people who wouldn't dream of doing it.

So sad to hear your news, I am like you & have only ever lurked & not really got too involved, but like you I have been through this.
My husband left me with a 6month old baby after 6 years of marriage, with no warning whatsoever, went out one day & just didn't come back.
The hardest part is knowing that what you thought was working & ok, they obviously didn't & that you didn't really know them at all & that not only has your past gone but all that you planned for the future has gone to, in one foul swoop.
You do get over it though, eventually & you build a life for yourself that is real & can be relied on...especially as you tend to have a stronger, closer relationship with your children.
And like so many of these posts, keep your dignity don't rant & rave, you'll regret it later & also keep your meetings short....men in these positions can be awfully manipulative, when they know you are emotionally weak...no matter how much you think you know someone, my husband became a stranger overnight & in reality your husband has been someone you haven't properly known for the past 2 years, only the bits he has chosen to let you see. Be strong, you will get through it...I wish you the best luck in the world

I agree - its nothing you've done.

And even if he had been unhappy, at what point does cheating come before saying to you 'I'm not happy'. No, not your fault. Not at all.

When you do feel in control, do as much as possible, so that you can stare into space when you need to.

And look after yourself.

Keep talking to everyone on here.

So proud of you for treating him with coldness last night. Well done. Glad also that his family are supportive of you.

I am especially sorry that this has been a double betrayal with someone you were entitled to feel was a friend of the marriage. That's an extra horrible twist to the tale and really I cannot imagine how anyone's conscience can allow them to do this. And I don't subscribe to the belief that "if it hadn't been her, it would have been someone else".

You are entitled to feel rage towards both of the people who betrayed you and your children and as long as you continue to blame them equally, it is healthy at the moment.

You are right to capitalise on the guilt he's feeling now, because guilt often dissipates in the face of financial ruin, especially when an OW is pulling the strings.

And to reiterate, infidelity is never the betrayed person's fault. The fault is all with him. Please don't berate yourself for not noticing anything - you trusted him and you trusted her. You will no doubt look back now and recall some internal niggles you bargained away at the time - that is what sane, trusting people do. Don't feel guilty for that. This is their fault, not yours.

Thank you so much everyone. I've spoken to a solicitor, and she was helpful. Deep breaths needed, and some sunshine, probably. It's a lovely lovely day outside so am thinking I might go for a wander. People keep telling me to go for a massage but I don't really like massages...am rapidly realising that I don't really know what I do like, as I've been quite focused on being a wife and mother for the last five years.

Just go for a walk in the sunshine - it'll do enough

I'm glad you are taking positive steps. It is hard, but you are doing an amazing job. I'm sure there are times when you won't hold it together as you are doing now, and we'll be here for you then. But for now, I applaud you for your courage, dignity and strength.

You are doing so well. Hang on in there x

SC - learning about who you really are is going to be the most enjoyable journey from now on :)

I could really do with some advice on handling his relationship with the children. We talked last night (weird, strange, horrible) about access and I suggested some times he could see them. But he keeps saying that sooner or later (and I don't think he means right now) he's going to take them to her house as it's unreasonable of me to expect that he wouldn't. I pointed out that until 48 hours ago I assumed she was a friend of mine and that she has behaved so appallingly I didn't want her anywhere near them. I am fairly sure I am not being unreasonable but how do I navigate this one?

I'm afraid that I do not have any experience about this, but there will be plenty of good advice coming along from others here later.

What I would say that you should follow your instincts and put the brakes on his plans for introducing your DCs to HIS new life. It is your place now to decide timescales and arrangements, he doesn't automatically have that right. He threw that away when he betrayed you and your DCs.

How on earth he can exepct you to fall in with his plans, especially considering he is with someone you knew? Or should I say, with someone you actually didn't know. They are both consummate liars. Why would you trust his word now?

Stay strong and keep getting advice and support from everyone here. Getting to grips with the practicalities of this will help you through the bad days.

If he's being bolshy about taking your DC to OW's house, speak with your solicitor about drawing up a contact agreement around a child centred time-scale.

It is perfectly reasonable to assume that taking it slowly is in the best interests of your DC, particularly given the (previous?) status of the OW as their godmother.

It is absolutely your right and job to seek to protect your DC's right to time and space to become accustomed to these life-changing shifts, particularly when he seems almost unable to prioritise your DC's emotional welfare above his own wishes.

The big problem is that the children love her and have no idea (obviously) that she's done anything wrong. So his point is that she loves them (and him) and they love her (and him) and he loves all of them so why can't I just let them get on with it? I think he thinks I'm doing it to punish him.

Stillcrying, I am outraged on your behalf . What a couple of self-centred, selfish, arrogant egotistical individuals. How dare they treat another human being like this !!

My DH took our DC to the OWs when I didn't even know there was an OW. And I have to say that was one of the most painful things to come to terms with - he and she could see nothing wrong with it.

I actually posted on here about it at the time and unfortunately (and after speaking to a solicitor) there was not a lot legally I could do if the DC weren't in physical danger. The only comfort offered was the fact that he would eventually have to deal with them having another man introduced into their lives (and probably having more to do with them than him) - it wasn't much of a comfort to me. I had to appeal to my DH's better nature and he agreed not to take them there for another month. In the end he left the OW the following week. But in thinking back to that time now makes me rage.

I think someone on here did manage to get an agreement drawn up whereby the H was not allowed to introduce the OW for a year but I think that was an exception.

Good luck, and be kind to yourself. I could only cope with bubble baths, couldn't read much or concentrate on the telly or anything. My Dsis gave me the book "Water Melons" about a woman who's H walked out on her for the neighbour the day she gave birth, it was very funny and did lift my spirits a bit. It was about her recovery.

I really think your H and so called "friend" need their little fantasy bubble bursting big time

Hi, I don't have any practical advice but didn't want to read and run.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, but my god you should be applauded for how you're handling this. You sound so strong and dignified.

He is being completely unreasonable to even MENTION taking your children round to her house Stay firm and remind him that things muct stay civil for the sake of your children- if he isn't willing to do this he will just be hearing from your solicitor.

Take time, one step at a time, and look after yourself- I wish you all the best x