I've got everything crossed for the baby (fingers etc).I'm sure he'll be fine, jaundice and not pooing yet is very common. He's a bank holiday baby......I'm sure that's lucky 
.
Happy...if I punched my couch it would fill the house with dust.
Really struggling at the mo. I can let go of the past, it's the present I can't deal with.
Really need to find a way though, was thinking drastic thoughts today (moving far away) to get away from parents and other twats who live near. Wouldn't be brave enough though and couldn't do it to the DC.
Ive got to find a way to cope, most of the time I do and I can shrug it off and think fuck em all and then other times like today I'm crying so much in the car (often happens in the car, don't know why) that I can hardly see where I'm going and I just want to drive to the nearest mental hospital and be sedated.
H has gone, fuck off, bye bye, shit happens. I can deal with that, it's what men seem to do, it's in the past and I can move on.
Disloyalty and shit from parents though and tons of other shit surrounding them is what I can't deal with though but somehow I've got to find a way because it's eating me up and will end up destroying me and me losing my DC if I don't conquer it. I've tried so hard and been so proactive but the longer it all goes on with exh being well and truely supported by those who should be supporting me the more incredulous I become.
To the hundreds of people they surround themselves with, they are wonderful, saintly, pillars of the community but where it really counts ...they're just contemptable. There's nothing I can do to change the situation (sorry to be vague) so I need to change ME because I sometimes am in danger of pushing the self destruct button too hard. (I have a history of dabbling with that button).
Sorry to sound like a broken record and so down and dull, I suppose throughout my whole life I've never really felt heard and now when my parents are causing me so much pain and it is real pain I just want to do something which makes them think "shit, this is serious, we had no idea things were that bad". Thing is though, they wouldn't think that though, they'd be in denial that it was in anyway to do with them. That's how they've always been. They've never taken any reponsibility for the way they've behaved in the past and they never will. They feel they are the victims of unreasonable children and won't hear anything to the contrary.
Wish I could have a lobotomy, have it all wiped from my head and my thoughts. It feels like such an injustice and that's so hard to deal with.
Happy...I think i need to do some googly too.
Mumfun...thank you
Maybe I'll go and watch BB now, that's the closest I come to a lobotomy.
Life can be so effing hard can't it.
Poor sods in Pakistan and other places,war torn coutries etc. That's real suffering, I constantly remind myself.
Maybe I should do some voluntary work.
Being sad and angry is EXHAUSTING isn't it.
Nite x
Tomorow's another day (thank the Lord)