ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No.7

[startingovernow]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity. ...........

Armbow, I've seen my dc's go through the same pain & it is truly heartbreaking. There is nothing you can do except give your dc's loads of love & attention & keep encouraging them to express their feelings. Sadly your x has probably detached for it all because what you say is true most parents who are in touch with themselves would not be able to cause their dc's that much pain without a v v valid reason. (())

OK AB when this happened to me i told my X and HE said Did i have any idea how HE felt He cries too.WTF throws hands in the air emoticon.My Sil actually got quite cross about the whole situation the other day and said When you have children you go to the bottom of the order ,like it or not ,there is no room for selfish you are last.Now i tend to agree with that re feelings ,we have a duty to protect our kids thru a situation like this and their stability comes first.Big hugs to you AB talking and reassuring them is great.I also think rotine re access is the biggest thing i want to sort out b4 autumn.Oh i happened to ask X about a house he knew of that might be up for rent,he had said x2 mths ago ,anyway much nicer side of town,what do you think ,one side is telling me stay fiercly independent ,other side is saying might be a nice house.
Pink keep posting ,it is all the pain coming out,great advice from Startin'just ride the storm and the sun will break thru the clouds 2morrow,This too shall pass and only 3 weeks til meet up x

Pink, Starting had some really good advice I think for you there. Hard for me to add to really, but what I do know from my own experiences is that

It's good to have good times yourself away from the shit stuff and to be sure not to let it take you over - think about the things that make you happy and do them/enjoy them

You cannot change what you cannot change. Try to find a way to detach from them and to create some new good things away from them.

Allow yourself some time to think about the bad stuff but don't let yourself get into too much of a downward spiral. You are a kind, strong, caring and creative person. Don't forget it.

AB, I have the same thing with my kids. I walked into a local corner shop this morning - and the lady there (who has been there for years) said, your son talks to me, he has been so different since your H left, H did a bad thing. I ended up thanking her and asking her to keep talking with DS. Made me feel really .
No wonder XH doesn't feel comfortable around here.

1st Sept only 24 days til Party ,can you email me details Happy x

Yes I will drop a mail. Am supposed to be doing bigger email with full info with Getting but have been too lazy to sort.

Pink great advice from Happy and Starting, moving a little further away isn't a bad thing if it helps space and boundaries? My friend recently moved 45 mins away to another town where she had friends, as she needed better boundaries from her controlling X and his family and she is so so happy now. I'd only suggest it though if there was going to be some form of support network/ good friends near you though. I think moving where you know absolutely nobody would be hard IYSWIM? But a fresh start can help ((hugs))

AB - Patience speaks wise words.

H is coming by today to babysit, when I go to counseling and afterwards I'll go to the hospital and see my SIL and hopefully nephew.

morning all

autumn is my fave season.... it is really autumnal here today the sun has a golden glow and the air is really fresh and chilly.

tea - hope everything goes ok at the hospital xxx

my news resolve now is to put everything in writing to h he does not have a very good memory at the best of times and think he might start to "forget" important info if it suits him. i want this house move/separation to go smoothly (as poss ) so from now on it is purely business, going to cover myself at every step from now on.

big hugs to all - looking forward to seeing you all and guessing who's who !!!!

practical step - off to solicitor later.
emotional - get an early and get some sleep !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

pink - did you look your dreams up by the way was that site useful?

the book i am reading is this

book

• it is quite good in places. in particular there is a rather large section that breaks down how you may be still attached to your exh. I got it from ebay for 99p - it has been well thumbed !!!!!!

either:
1)guilt (if you left them)
2)love or real
3)love (or what you believe to be love but is actually habit and the ear of being alone)

I think I am at stage 3 now. I like the familiarity but don't think I actually miss him

Pinkabout your situation with your parents great advice from other so I will just add a big hug.

Tea I hope you get to see your nephew today and hes a little better . How are you now you sounded a bit low a few days ago?

Happy you fixed your own dishwasher ? Very impressive ! I agree with your post about being a new person and letting go of negative stuff. I find that being consistent on that score can be hard though and some days I come out fighting and others I too imagine the mental hospital scenario (so glad you said that Pink as I thought it was just me)

Patience how did you get on with the house yesterday or have I got that wrong ? Great news you are coming to the meet up

AB that is awful about your ds I would find that hard to deal with , men just seem to have a different take on it all because they instinctively put themselves first and all their reasoning and thought processes stem from that starting point. I asked if exh could take ds to his football match even though its my weekend and he said no way he needs his weekend and to be able to have his life! I said I thought he would welcome the chance to see more of ds as hes often telling me how terribly he misses dc and he said he would happily see them an extra evening in the week but not on HIS weekend. I laughed and said absolutely of course you need your time . Thats a big step forward for me because after a similar conversation a while ago I was livid but now I just feel glad hes gone because he was just like that when he lived here. BUT when I rang off and went into the kitchen ds was trying on his new football boots and hes such a lovely boy I thought how can that wanker not want to spend as much time as possible with his ds who will soon be grown up and gone.

People have said to me in the past and now hes gone how he will realise when its too late how much he hes missed out on with the dc but I no longer think so. I think he really believes he has and continues to give them enough of himself because as I began by saying he is innately unable to put anyone else before himself.

Well I am determined to be positive today, the sun is shining I have 2 days left until school starts so I want to enjoy it. I am toying with making the dc come on a walk with me later on but I know that wont be met with much enthusiasm

My practical step is plan some proper meals for dc , one way or another I have managed to slide out of cooking for all of Augustso its time to dust off(literally)the oven !

My emotional step is that wretched outgoing list which I keep saying I will do and havent and I think its actually an emotional step for me rather than a practical one iyswim?

Waves to Starting,Mumfun,Chairmum,Sov and everyone else

Yes AB I have seen that book recommended I am at number 3 too. I cant do ebay do you think its worth getting ?

Forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past.Jack Kornfield Quote for the day

Tea - hope you find little nephew improved on your visit.

Pink - recommend finding any other family support you can - I have had a heck of a lot recently and it has helped me so much. Actually cant believ how lovely some relatives have been -does make you feel there are good relatives out there.

Starting - great post:)

AB -looks helpful book. Thnk good plan to put everything in writing - very helpful to refer to and could also help your healing when you look back and realise what youve dealt with.

Getting = not surprised what you say re selfishness of H. The only thing I do know is that the midlife passage exists (ie transition from younger to older life) and some Hs negotiate it appallingly. Often Issues from their family of origin that they havent dealt with are critical in this. Will try to find something from my other forum on this as its been helpful to me in dealing with this selfishness that is integral part of this negotiating midlife badly.

Patience - I have been really warned by others never to expact anything from ILs. LOng term they will support and believe their own kids. Nothing to do with you actually. To use a another good quote 'it is what it is'

Happy - sorry to hear re DS but glad lady is talking to him - it is good for teenagers to have someone to talk to that outssidde parents.

Love the autumn weather too. September is a great month only made sad by its promise of eventual winter.

HI to all other lovely members of this club and all lurkers!

Mumfun thats interesting what you say about the selfishness being part of midlife crisis I would be pleased to read anything you have. ATM I just think hes a self centred twunt

Saw your post on Stillcrying thread , that poor woman I think its one of the worst I have read.Hopefully she will find us dumplings and look for support on here too.

for all of

U ok Sov ?

Sov, I posted that song on one of dj happy nights. Great choice, think it should be our Dumpling Anthem (sp ? ). How are you keeping?

Mumfun, interesting about midlife crisis & selfishness but wonder if it runs deeper & is conditioned into some men in childhood by being pampered/babied too much & not being made to take responsibility??

Getting, again I was wondering reading your post about men instinctively putting themselves first, is that really true? If so we're all doomed to singlehood . I think perhaps it's just a characteristic of men that walk out of marriages etc?

Armbow, keeping a record is also a good thing as it'll help you remember stuff long after it happened if you ever need it (mine was such a twunt & so much drama I had to start writing stuff down to keep a record). Book sounds good.

Happy, that kind of stuff can rip at your heart . V good however that ds is talking to someone & obviously she's a v genuine person to have talked to you about it so could be v positive for ds.

Patience, really really hope you can make meet up .

Tea, hope your nephew has made good progress overnight & that you get to see him .

Well dumplings, I got hair done this am & it's fab . Eyebrows have also been waxed. I am actually really excited about date tonight. I don't really care too much about what Mr Normal turns out to be like. It's more the excitement of getting dressed up. I have decided to really push the boat out & I am going to be looking absolutely fantastic tonight. I am going to turn heads! I have picked a really simple but v sexy outfit just for the hell of it .

Quick oooh for Starting and good luck for tonight :)

Starting sounds brilliant enjoy turning heads,think those days are over for moi !

Waves to everyone ,all my clothes arrived today so i am all swirls and patterns,in v bright colours,can i were a dress over jeans still SOV or is it strictly leggings or tights and where do i get nice ballet pumps black suede bit of a pointy toe ?

Oooh Patience how exciting so you will have something nice to wear on Sunday..

I have been seeing pumps everywhere - how about M&S ?

I have just been on MN most of today and flicking through Lundy B book also read a great sort of synopsis of emotional abusers on another thread and am calmly remembering that whilst I was FAR from perfect nor was he yet he made me think he was.

EXACTLY !Just posted on self help book thread and last3 posters all the same thing ,you cant believe it when you are on the inside ,you make excuses about why it is sooooo bad,its only when ur on the outside you see it .He is always going to be an ARSE Getting ,i might not know him but im guessing he is an emotional manipulator ,you will find much better ,trust in yourself and you can still turn heads til you are at least 102yo Chin Up Tits Out !!!!!They are all bastards that ripped the piss out of us because we loved them well you know what ,that was then and this is now !!!
God grant me the serenity to accept the things i CANNOT change,
The COURAGE to change the things i can ,
And the wisdom to know the DIFFERENCE x

Much love and positivity to everyone X

Getting, I second Patience's post, you can indeed still turn heads, it's all about attitude girl!

Patience, enjoy the clothes

yes starting GOOD LUCK for later - we want a FULL report

can I be rude and redirect you to my antenatal thread for the update on nephew? Just posted it there for my girls.

Going off for a cuppa as I feel rotten and want to cry.

Oh Tea I am sorry I have no experience at all of that sort of thing but I can imagine it would be heartbreaking. Try and keep positive and use your faith to help you through.

Hugs x

Love to you Tea ,little one is im my prayers x

thanks for m&s tip getting also looking for short underskirt . dresses v thin silk but lovely stuff ,will try and post top i will wear on sunday,just going for bright top black cardigan lace trim and jeans ,we are walking the dog !But will make shopping for high heeled boots a lot more interesting if sunday goes well LOL!