ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No.7

[startingovernow]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity. ...........

Rom yes definitely be out when he collects stuff or give it to someone else you dont need any more horrible images in your mind

LC I am sorry I had no idea of the severity of the attack .

Thats really nice about your first h I wonder if that will ever be me, must be good for your dc too. Wearing my nosey pants was it always like that or did that come with time ?

And finally to complete my grilling why at this point is your xp not telling people do you think he still has hopes of a reconciliation ?

Thanks Patience, sov, LC and getting, sitting in my car at the moment sobbing, don't know why, obviously it's going to be a bad day. Just going pop in and see my sis but trying to compose myself as I think she's prob seen enough of my tears to last a life time.

Hope it's not raining where you are like it is here, just been to see my horse and got wet. Be back soon and thanks for your support.

Getting, the marriage was never happy. He was very controlling and I never truly loved him. I left him and the first few years (yes, years!) were horrendous. We did some terrible things to each other . However, he comes from a different culture where mothers are held in extremely high regard so although he was vile to me (and I to him) he would never hear a bad word about me in front of the children which helped. If the children were even remotely cheeky to me they would get a real tongue lashing but then he would go on to be 100 times worse (out of their earshot of course)! Gradually, it just got easier for both of us. There was no turning point as such. It just took time. He has a lovely partner who my dd is very close too.

Yes, the attack was pretty bad but just 1 blow shattered ds's top jaw and 3 of his teeth. He's already had a bone graft taken from his lower jaw which required further loss of teeth. If one blow did that he's lucky to be alive because if he'd seen it coming and turned his head it could have ruptured an artery and the assailant (another uni student, believe it or not) would be facing a murder charge. And ds got that because the other lad was making a girl cry and he told him to leave her alone .

Romney, it's chucking it down here too. Hope you feel better for seeing your sister. Think about this logically for a second. It's good to cry but you are not going to cry about this for the rest of your life. It's impossible. Eventually, you will have days when you don't cry as much, then days when you don't cry at all. But it's ok to cry now because it shows you've got feelings, that you are capable of love. Not everyone is that lucky. x

Getting, re your last question - I don't know but I think the main reason is shame. I would like to think he wants me back and can't live without me of course . I did give some very mixed messages at first which seemed to confuse him terribly. I think he misses home rather than me.

Afternoon dumplings, I am like Happy & have to say how much I have grown to love you guys. You are all so kind & always there to support ((Hugs)). Well had a bad nights sleep last night but it was only due to being sick & tg not emotional stuff or worry. After meditating & reflecting last night I had a light bulb moment & realised where my fear was coming from. It is actually nothing to do with the financial stuff. I realised it was more a fear of if xh is still out to get me & fear of what he might be capable of doing to hurt me. Once I recognised what the fear was I was able to let it go. I have no proof that this is the case & it is equally possible that xh genuinely wants to try & put things right so I'm just going to wait & see what the meeting brings.

From when I first separated I spent about a yr & a half trapped in a place where I still loved xh. During this period he hurt me v badly to punish me for destroying our marriage & his life. I can understand this as it was my digging for the truth that destroyed our marriage in his eyes. In his eyes he gave me everything he had to give & obviously he had some way of justifying his activities on the side. Discovering the truth left me emotionally destroyed but then on top of this I had unleashed the devil in xh. I was left with a man that became increasingly unstable, dangerous, violent & psychotic. I understood that he was hurting v badly & that he was v mentally unstable & so did everything in my power to keep things amicable & stable. I had to dig so deep within myself to keep myself sane & to keep a happy home for my dc's. I was torn between the man I loved & the evil shut off person he had become. I am not being melodramatic but I am v lucky to have come out of that period alive. I have never told my family what really happened & only one or two close friends know the truth. I would not wish that period on my worst enemy. My lowest ebb was when I thought he might be capable of killing dc's & himself to hurt me.

I forgive xh for it all tbh & feel v sorry that he went down the path he did. Someday I would hope that he will manage to sort himself out & be a good father to our dc's & that we could become friends again. However that may never happen & if he is still unstable dc's are better off with him out of their lives. Things are never black or white & I believe there is good & bad in all of us. My xh brought a lot of good into my life too & I wouldn't like to forget that, we had some v happy times & some great laughs. It was just unfortunate that my xh went to the extremes he did. It also didn't help that he had the power, resources, money & contacts to get away with stuff that most normal people never would. It's taken me a long time & a lot of counselling to heal & I just want to have a peaceful life with dc's now. It would be the thought of going back to evil & danger & trying to keep myself & dc's safe that would fill me with fear & terror. There are still several court cases pending & one of my greatest fears was that he would be jailed & then have a licence to hate me forever & that I would never be free of him. However I have come a long way & trust that I am strong enough to deal with whatever is to come. I also hope that xh has now moved on & that his hatred & insanity has subsided a bit. Either way, I have blind faith that there is a god out there or a power greater then myself that will protect me & dc's. I also believe that the people I loved who died last year are v close to me & will protect me from harm.

All in all this has been my greatest journey in self discovery. I like to see & focus on the positives & not the negatives.

Happy, my thoughts are with you & hope things start to improve for you soon.

Sov & Rom, I think when our sleep is affected it is our brains way of processing stuff & ultimately part of the healing. Can be exhausting but it does pass.

Hope everyone is having a good day

I always wondered how you could do visits the way you do with ur XH tea but today i had a similar visit with my X ,i think it is all about acceptance,if this continues my dcs will get the best of both parents but not getting too excited ,have managed to stop myself fancyin him and i think i am excited by moving forwards rather than going backwards so a very new stage in my healing .Now i need to do the last bit of healing which might come and go for a good while yet but it is so good to feel somewhere so peaceful after the storm.I think there will still be some bumps ahead,but i am in a better place to cope.Heard another Mumford and sons song today will post it.If it makes you cry Rom thats a good thing i promise i have lots of songs i cried buckets to and i called them my anti repressants.

more banjos

Well, while we're all loved-up I'll tell you that I love you all too . I honestly do not know where I would be without you lot, WWIFN and a few others. Seriously, I would be devoid of all hope for the future. I'm sure I would have had a significant mental health crisis by now whereas I'm only slightly barmy despite all the shit that has come my way in recent years.

Phew Starting what a post you have certainly been through it and from where I am standing have weathered it all fantastically.

LC thanks for that sounds like your marriage was tempestuous and your answer gives me hope that just maybe xh and I will be amicable.

Right now that feels a long way off. He rang to offer to have dd so she didnt need to go to ds football in the rain. He then took her to ows for the entire time and was apparently cooking.Why this should bother me I dont know except for I just thought why couldnt he have spent those 3 hours just focusing on dd at his house. I know just 3 months ago I would have been so affected by this and now its bearable I long for a time where I am so detached its doesnt even register on my radar.

Keep perspective Getting. I read on a thread earlier how someone had had a man staying over 5 weeks after her h had left.

I do wonder sometimes if I will ever be able to really wish him well unless I have someone in my life and understand how one can be in love with someone new because I still at times cant believe we arent together and top of that he loves someone else not me.

And this is in spite of knowing I am happier without him and wouldnt go back to the life we had for all the tea in China

Patience I am glad you are in a new stage of healing and I think for the most part I am there too in spite of above comments !

Rom I wouldnt worry about the crying it helps release the toxins built up from stress. I hadnt picked you have a horse..is there anything else I have missed. You havent told us much about your situation when you are ready I would like to understand a bit more. Its so hard in the early days and you think it will never feel better but bit by bit it really does.

Waves to all

I just cant help myself its the cave again This is empowerment itself ,i will never forget this song infact this will be played at my funeral ,this is the theme tune to my journey and rebirth.
Can i just say i found this thread one day when i was googling in despair on my phone what do you do if you get ditched.The 2nd RTR had just started and i remember telling my friend its ok im a dumpling i can do this.Obviously she looked at me like i was a bit unsettled .But that night i spent hours trying to find it again on net mums .Anyway had never heard of net mums or mums net b4 this .Never really typed or used my laptop LOL!!!It has been a life line and a complete education from gaslighting to enabling and co dependecy ,self esteem, boundaries and some of the funniest times i have ever had .God bless you all that have ever posted to me or sent me positive vibes ,i couldnt have done it without you x

Getting and all, my DH and I have been together for 12 years. In June I discovered that he had been having an affair with a co worker for 6months. I found out when I went to surprise him whilst he was away on a course to take him out for dinner and found he was actually on holiday with the OW.

I thought we had an amazing relationship, we talked, we loved, we laughed and we had a great friendship. It was love at first sight and we had a lovely life. We have so much in common and I thought we were soulmates. I had been married before and didnt want to make any of the mistakes my previous husband highlighted when our marriage ended eg lack of love and our love life etc.

When he came back from his holiday he moved in with a friend, he started counseling and found that he had some problems, some which stemmed from his childhood which he still hasnt dealt with. He couldnt pin point why he had allowed the affair to happen even after the counseling, although he did say that he thought he was infatuated with her and not sure that it was love, obviously it was love because he chose her. He said he was flattered by her attention, she had been having a bad time in her life and he had listened, talked and tried to help her with her problems, he was also going through a transitional time in his life with his job and had been under a lot of stress which I supported him 100% through.

He chose OW and has now move in with her although he wont admit to this.

Because he couldnt explain why it happened he said he would write it down, which he did and I received a 4 page letter which didnt tell me anything apart from that he would always love me, that we have a very strong bond and I am the best friend he has ever had, that he loved our time together and I am a wonderful person, so as you can see that didnt help me at all.

I am still have not reached the anger stage yet (please let it come soon, although I do feel hate for him for what he has done to me on occasions).

My only hope is that one day he regrets that he threw away a really good relationship and also that his new relationship doesnt work out. Maybe Im just a mean person.

Funnily I still get on very well with my XXH, he has been really good to me, although a little harsh at times, but he admits that he regretted leaving me and that the grass wasnt greener, he only lasted 18months with OW. I have two children from my 1st marriage a DS and DD.

I started counseling on Thursday and have another session tomorrow, I just hope it helps me get to a stronger position as I am really not coping that well, I just love him so much even though he has been so cruel to me. I hope this passes. Last night at the wedding reception a friends husband was telling me I deserve so much better and that he is a very stupid man and that I will find someone one day that deserves me, I honestly dont think I could ever find anyone who I could love like it did DH. So as you can see a hopeless case.

Patience, so glad that today went well for you. As you said hopefully now the worst is behind you

LC, I always think it's a good thing to be slightly barmy & tbh I hope I never lose that within myself

Getting, you have indeed come a long way in a short period of time . I've posted this before but I genuinely feel we can only heal on our own. That if you use someone else to recover from heartbreak i.e. by falling in love with someone else before having time to grieve & heal, that there will be a price to be paid further down the line. I believe the greatest gift we can give to ourselves is the time & space to grieve & heal. At least then when we move forward it is from a place of strength & freedom, rather then one of neediness & vunerability.

Happy, hope you are doing ok & that things have eased up for you. Hope it might also bring a smile to your face that you have kicked off declarations of love & group dumpling hugs .

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference

Rom thankyou for that no wonder its so raw and you havent got to the anger stage yet its very early days. What an awful way to discover the affair too

Lots of us have had some kind of therapy and certainly for me its been the difference between sinking and swimming at first and then proper speedier healing thereafter.

It sounds like there is every reason to think he may regret his actions given the content of his letter to you. No you are not mean in hoping his relationship doesnt work out you are just human.

Keep posting on here where we advise, support,listen, and of course...love..one another

Starting I think you are right from my point of view because I would have been needy and vulnerable. I do wonder if he will be ok with ow though as he had left emotionally so long before actually going .As per earlier post though it becomes less and less relevant to me whether their relationship survives or not.

Urgh, a bit all over the place but free love man

LC.....fingers crossed for tomorow. DSI was attacked but avoided serious injury. DS2s friend was attacked whe he was 15 and suffered simarly to your DS and will live with the scars forever. It's so frightening knowing your teens are out there along with violent scum of the earth who get their kicks from assaulting others.

i just thanked God everyday that it wasn't worse.

Hope things have calmed down Happy....glad BE helped out.......as he should have.

Lovely post Starting...you write beautifully but have expearienced things that you shouldn't have.

I actually don't think that the male of the species has ever fully evolved. there is so much lacking in them and too much testosterone. I think we only settle for them because there's nothing else.

Dogs on the other hand are bloody wonderful and far outshine most men.

LC I went to someones house last week who has staff/pitbull cross. I was shitting myself as I'm really scared of those sorts (lots of status dogs near me).

Anyway it was the softest quietest thing in the world and though it's head was as big as a football it won me over and was putting it's paw out to me and gently chewing my hand like young dogs do. It was a real turning point for me and I was v proud of myself as I'd always avoided them in the past.

Have any of you bought your xmas meet up tickets ?

I haven't really worked out what I can share here yet BTW but will say that DS2 is here and DS1 probably won't be for a while.

I will no doubt crash later and there is a v scary road ahead but atm I just feel exhausted and probably inappropriately happy that at least for now I don't gave to worry 24/7 alone.

I am going to become religious.

Getting, who knows if your xh & ow will survive or not but personally I would not like to be building a new relationship when the foundations were built on pain & devastation for others. I do not believe relationships built on such rocky foundations will ever really have much depth or quality to them. You on the other hand will one day be free to move forward & build a new relationship on solid foundations if that is your choice. I also believe once we give ourselves the space & time to grieve & address our own issues in counselling etc then we are more likely to attract emotionally healthy relationships.

Rom, it sounds like you have been dealt a v cruel blow & it must be horrific to be going through this for the second time. I found what helped my recovery was counselling, dumping on here & to real life friends. Also be kind to yourself & do nice things for yourself. A day at a time things will start to get easier.

Afternoon of here with DD.

Are we all going then ? Will have to get a sitter or ask xh to swap plus its ds birthday that week and so the weekend will probably be when he wants friends over or something. In short dont know yet if I can come.

God your boys too Pink my ds will be 14 and out and about at night [shit scared emoticon]

Romney, if you hate your xh at times then that is it, that is the start of anger, that is anger. Also, if your xh has unresolved problems then it bodes badly for him and ow. History will repeat itself and he'll probably dump her too. You haven't had any proper answers from him and so you're blaming yourself. It is NOT your fault that he chose to have an affair. Even if there were problems in your relationship he could have discussed this first before getting involved with someone else. He was dishonest and unfair, not you. But that doesn't make you a victim. It just shows that you have higher standards than him. And it sounds as if he's trying to keep you on the back burner by telling you that you are wonderful, his best friend etc because deep down he knows that his future is far from certain.

The best thing you can do now is show him that you are no longer available, it's over, absolutely final decision, no way back. Show him that you have moved on. Your acting skills are paramount here but try really believing it! Tell him to fire up and fuck off because if you think about it, he is not a terribly nice person at the moment, is he?

You might be surprised at his reaction. But you have to truly detatch from him so that you genuinely don't care. Act it out enough times and you start to beieve yourself and then suddenly you realise it's true - you are going to be ok without him.

HAVE not gave !

My doggy is my new man. He has now been castrated so his "behaviour should improve" according to the rescue centre. Perhaps that's the way to go? My xh had a vasectomy and never strayed but xp was adamant that he would never consider such a thing! In future, I will consider only neutered males .

at neutered males