H using self help book in row

[onelastchance]

As some of you know from other posts, dh and i have been having a vry tough time.

I bought a couple of books, oe about anger management and one about emotional abuse. We have a weekly chat to discuss what we've agreed to read the previous week.

had a row (ironically about him not doing excercised in the book). It escalated s i was too upset to make u with him despite him making a few attempts. he then started ranting about it beig me who was abusing him and shouting really loudly all in front of ds (4). He stomed out of house and i could't help crying which then made poor ds cry too :(

H bought presents for me and ds in the evening to say sorry and if the shouting/ranting had ben a one off, i'd be ok now. trouble is, i'm pretty sure it'll happen again.

Am i being ureasonable for being upset about him not putting more effort into the reading and then refusing to make up with him?

anyone there?

Oh dear, onelast :( That's what Dittany was on about then? Oh, dear.

I don't know how common this is, or how similar it is to your own story, but my first H used to knock me about. I left him; he stopped with the violence. However, he took up emotional & sexual abuse. I didn't know anything about those then, so didn't know what was wrong - a less-abuseable woman wouldn't have put up with it, but then she wouldn't have put up with being thumped either! Anyway. We split up over an affair of his. Just before I left the house for good, he came into the spare room where I was sleeping and strangled me. I had to fight hard to get him off, he literally was killing me.

I really don't know why I told you this story - I'm just going with an instinct.

Glad he said he was sorry, anyhow. Hope your weekend is better, my love.

oh you poor thing Grace :(.

Not sure if that's what dittany meant. There have bee 2 major injuries he's caused me in the past. The first i'm ashamed ot say was in response ot me hitting him, he grabbed me and puashed me down. I felt something in my back "slip" and the chiropractor i saw this is this waht twisted my pelvis. The other thing was during a row , he slammed a doora dn caught my fingers in it (by mistake), 2 were broken :( These incidents were 7 years ago

Get the Lundy Bancroft book asap.

Citizens advice is agood place to go to find out how you would be financially .Always think when you are more knowlegeable its not as scary.My X used to shout at me "Well fucking leave then I'm not stopping you"but i was desperate with 2 young dcs i didnt know what to do.In the end the sky didnt fall in and i am a much stronger person for the split.It is a tough decision to make i really wanted to make my marriage work but my X was an abuser an he will never change his spots.
Take care OLC x

I know we do bang on about the Bancroft book, onelast, but it's a HUGE eye-opener! I read it after I split with H#2 and it explained everything that had been going on in both marriages. If it'd been written when H#1 started hitting me, I'd have been far more clued up and much happier!

It's an easy read, with lots of useful tips.
Patience is right about the CAB.

This morning iasked him how he felt about possibily contributing to my broken ankle, he said terrible. this morning he's offered me breakfast and has just gone out to get some things for me. Also asked if i still want to go out tonight - isaid i didn't know - don't know what to do for the best. Should i go out tonight or not?

Strikes me that you need to stop prioritising the day to day "should I go out" type of stuff and concentrate on the bigger picture. Do get The Book, then you will have some more understanding and more long-term strategies hopefully.

At the moment you have a sort of yo-yo situation depending on how he reacts to you and that must be mentally exhausting.Is it me, is it him, constantly.

What would going out tonight achieve, unless you felt being out in public gave you a chance to talk properly without it degenerating?

But even if you do go out, I think you need to think beyond the actual day to day now.

yes katisha, you could be right. It's jsut hard to know how to deal with the day to day stuff atm.

maybe we could go out but just stick to safe subjects, eg ds, school, work, etc

Yes that sounds reasonable. Don't lay any great expectations on the evening and try to keep it low key maybe.
It may be that forcing confrontations at the moment is counter-productive.

Well he's now sitting in the sunshine having lunch on his own. he did offer to make me some but i declined. Not what i'd hoped for for our child ree few days..

One last, i think ive read your posts before , im sorry this is still going on. I second what everyone else says re the lundy book, if your having trouble getting hold of a copy ill happily send you mine if you want. As others say, it really is an eye opener.

Its hard , and it takes time to accept that the person you WANT him to be just doesnt exist, he is this guy. I stayed for far too long, i so wanted to be wrong that i exhausted every avenue , something i bitterley regret.

You are NOT going to wake up one morning and suddenly not love him anymore , you need to start to detatch from him and be willing to see , as hard as it is. I know youve probably got this internal dialougue going on, ie , hes a twat / no hes not that bad ect.

What about making a list, on here if you need to, based on facts, things hes said or done . You might be horribly surprised to see what that list looks like/

Dump the book, order lundy bankroft or living with the dominater and ring womans aid. The best one i read that describes how they see us is controlling people, i cant remember who its by, but it describes in detail how they see us, and what we are to them, and that this wont change.

Your technicly a prisoner onelast, your not allowed to be upset or miserable, hes only happy when your quiet and obediant. Let me know if you struggle with the book, i have a large collection of " twat " books !

Thanks Dignified. i've ordered the book.

We have talked a bit today, Told him again my position. Told him if i dont start to feel better about things by the end of the year that'll be it. he's got the list of behaviour that i find unacceptable.

he's out now doing some stuff for me which i can't do becuase of ankle. We are going out tonight....

Waves to OLC hope your ankle isnt too sore x
Dignified if you ever get a chance to list your "Twat" books ,i would love to read it!

well we went out last night and actually had quit good evening! Ds back today and dh is out for a walk in the park with ds atm. Still plan to go to counselling myself

Good for you re counselling OLC ,def helped me sort my life out x

Well i don't know if he's finally taking it seriously - i hope so!

ls night when we were out he said he'd found out about a show i might like to see for my birthday. He's now booking it without any prompting from me :)

I am not sure whether I should post this, perhaps some of the more knowledgeable posters could comment on whether what I am saying is right, but my first instinct when you said, 'he is being nice to me' was, of course he is - so he can get you back 'where you belong' and then once you are back to the old relationship he can slip back to his old ways.

I hope I am wrong and that things work out for you. At the very least, having this experience and getting to this stage in your relationship gives you more strength, whatever happens.

I agree wanna . The thing is , is he being nice ? Or just what most of us would consider normal, because in these sort of relationships, normal is mistaken for nice.

Its normal to take your wife out, or arrange an outing that they might enjoy. I fear this will be a stick to beat you with onelast, when you complain hell be able to say " thanks a lot, didnt i book that show, take you out ect ?"

I wasted over a decade trying to get someone to see , if only they could see it from my point of veiw , realise this or realise that, but thet DO see , because they dont treat anyone else like this, just you.

I will never ever bother to explain to another adult why x y or z is hurtfull / not on, or whathaveyou, if they dont get it, i dont want them around.

Wanna and Dignified - do you really think that? That's quite scary if it's true.

Hopefully counselling will help me. I was looking some up last night, not sure whther to used relate or and general counsellor.

Yes i do.

I'll just reitarate the behaviour i find inacceptable and leave it to him to find ways of stopping it and tell him if there's anything i can do to help, i'll try To do it.

How many times does an adult man have to be told that his behaviour is unacceptable ? Does his boss have to constantly remind him how to behave ? Of course not !
This behaviour is deliberate , the fact hes only doing this to you PROVES that. Sure sometimes people have to be told that theyve done something hurtfull , they usually dont realise and apologise.

Do you think he cant hear you ? Or that he somehow doesnt understand what your saying ? How come he cant hear you but he hears is boss ? The fact is , he hears you, but he doesnt care what you think. Hes not a helpless man but a calculating bully who wants to dominate you.

WWhy do you think he needs help to stop these behaviours ? You dont have a relationship onelast, you have a battleground where he always wants to have power over you. He gets mad when you dare to be upset at his behaviour , eventually youll just stop saying because you wont get anywhere and its not worth it.

I think you need to focus less on him and more on yourself. So what if he says this or that, fuck him. At the moment i presume you have a good day if he makes it so, and a bad day if he makes it so. Effectiveley your made to feel exactly how he wants you to.

TI hope you begin to see things more clearly when you get the book, in the meantime id read everything you can on the net about verbal / emotional abuse. Once you see that it IS deliberate and that hes fully aware you can then start to come to terms with it and take the next step.

I honestly believe that what I said is true - I am not the sort of person to post things for malice.

Just think how he kept you hanging on about whether or not you would go out. Of course he made it a nice evening, that way you have your reward for not rocking the boat. And look, it is all your fault, because he is a nice person when you behave as he wants you to behave...

Please look back at how he behaved about whether or not you would go out. It was cruel teasing that I would not permit to be inflicted on a dog.

If I am wrong then I hope that other, more regular, posters will correct me, and I am happy to be corrected if it means a happy ending for you. However, please re-read the thread, read the books recommended and get a good counsellor.

I really hope things work out for you.

OLC do you find yourself making excuses for his behaviour.He has a choice the way he treats you .
"He doesnt't have a problem with his anger its your anger !"This is a quote from LB book that really hit home with me ,as long as he wasnt questioned about his self centred behaviour he was calm and detatched in the house,when i showed resentment re his behaviour it all kicked off.I learned that expectation brings resentment and i had to learn not to expect reasonable behaviour from someone incapable of giving it .Did you phone womans aid for a chat ,did you get a chance to contact CAB?
So many questions ...sorry ,hope sun is shining where you are and ankle ok x

Thanks wanna, i wasn't trying to imply you were being malicious at all - i very much value everyone's responses :)

Witht he going out on saturday thought, he really left it up to me whether we were going out. He did mention it in the morning and asked if i wanted to go. It was more me saying i wasn;t sure :(

Patience - yes he does say pretty much that - it's my anger that's a problem. No i couldn't get throught to womens aid, will try again next week.