H using self help book in row

[onelastchance]

As some of you know from other posts, dh and i have been having a vry tough time.

I bought a couple of books, oe about anger management and one about emotional abuse. We have a weekly chat to discuss what we've agreed to read the previous week.

had a row (ironically about him not doing excercised in the book). It escalated s i was too upset to make u with him despite him making a few attempts. he then started ranting about it beig me who was abusing him and shouting really loudly all in front of ds (4). He stomed out of house and i could't help crying which then made poor ds cry too :(

H bought presents for me and ds in the evening to say sorry and if the shouting/ranting had ben a one off, i'd be ok now. trouble is, i'm pretty sure it'll happen again.

Am i being ureasonable for being upset about him not putting more effort into the reading and then refusing to make up with him?

what is horrible is his apparent reaction...
eg not bothering what happened after and telling friends she had gone off somehwere...

i think i would want to know her last name so i could check out the story look up the registry of deaths in that part of the country.... and local news reports

these things do happen yes - but his reaction is still weird.

Yes, cest - i'd like ot know to. I'm sure if i ask him he'll say he can't remember her surname. But i think i will ask

there is absolutely no way that you would ever ever forget the surname of a partner that you lived with. Even less chance of forgetting the name if that partner then died by suicide while you were living with them.

Well i would agree with you newname. however he claims to have forgotten the name of his last gf before me - they never lived together but were togther about 3 years!

he's lying

Shall i just ask him the name of the ex (suicide one). be hard to think of a reason to ask

I just don't know OLC.

I wonder how you have managed, living with someone so evasive. It's not normal.
It would be hard to have any trust in someone that lied so blatently - for me at least. And trust is very important in a relationship obviously.

If his story is true, it paints him in a truely awful light. Of course he could have been (or rather would have been) extremely distressed and that might have led to his actions. But I wonder...

He says he was so schocked he just didn't know what to do, so did nothing..

I don't trust him :(

I was shocked when my OH died. He died in hospital. I might have wondered round without a clue of what to do, but I did not want to leave his side. I did not want to leave the hospital. I needed to make sure that he was OK, even if it was just his body being dealt with. But just to say he didn't know what to do, so did nothing - is just plain odd. He didn't tell anybody? I just find it all quite fantastical and I'm sitting here scratching my head.....

'Shall I just ask him the name of the ex (suicide one)'

OLC..sigh. OK - no don't ask him this. It will get you nowhere and is a red herring.

What will you do with this information or this line of questioning anyway? He will make it up or if he's telling the truth you won't know etc etc etc etc etc etc etc. You will never get enlightenment on this one.

Isn't it enough that you don't believe your own husband over such a big thing OR that your husband acted in this chilling or at best irresponsible way if it's true?

I know you have been lead down this route (talking about his ex) by the last few posts but the point is this:

You don't trust him (or like him?) (or know him?)

He is making you unhappy AND/OR you are making him unhappy.

Neither of you have any idea how to communicate with each other or move forward positively.

i agree - dont ask him. as i said, i would want to know but if you cant find out except by asking him then in this case i dont think there is any point in pursuing this line with him.

do you know any of his friends?

anyway does not matter - repeating:

He is making you unhappy AND/OR you are making him unhappy.

he has a fantastical past, apparently involving a dead woman...

ugh...

run...

I know it's scary :( I have talked ot the counsellor about it and she may try discussing it with him at some point..not sure yet, depends how it goes.

Can i ask wat you mean by "fantastical" ? Do you mean it's a fantasy - he s making it up? I don't actually believe he is - but do how he dealt with it or rather didn't deal with it is very worrying :(

Proudnglad - I didn't mean to derail thread by asking OLC about this. I genuinely felt shocked and similarily felt that it must have some sort of impact on OLC.
If he's lying, she can't trust him. If he's not lying, it still feels as though she shouldn't trust him.
I believe that trust is critical in a relationship. It should be a given that you can trust your partner. Why does OLC think it's ok that her partner is so evasive (not remembering the name of his last girlfriend for example)?
If he is not prepared to be honest about so many things I think she is flogging a dead horse. He will not change.

is the counsellor for you or for him?

why has she told you she may discuss it with him? what would that possibly achieve?

has he agreed to go see this counsellor?
is he going to go with you for a joint session?
or does she want to see what this person really is?

is she for you or for both of you jointly?

i dont think a counsellor should be discussing things with him then with you or vice versa.....if your ex has an issue with dealing with this ex thenis for him to discuss it with his own counsellor...

eg i saw nhs counsellor at gp practice where my ex is also registered - they would not let him then see her.

unless it is is something your h wants to discuss with the cousnellor for reasons known only to him then i really think your cousnsellor is barking up the wrong tree...

she needs to be helping you deal with yourself and how you react to the relationship - not trying to find out from him what is and isnt true.

i did see the family therapists who had seen us jointly - i then saw them separately so yes they did know who i was talking about - but i then talked about a lot of stuff from the past which they had no way of knowing if what i said re: what he had done was true or not -they didnt turn round and say "well we need to see him and discuss this with him to see what this is all about..."

you going to see her for you - not as a joint counselling?

or is she trying to be some kind of go between?

is he making it up? i dont know. does it matter? in scheme of things not really - making it up - well you know you can never ever trust him. he is creating a weird fantasy to make you feel sorri for him?

is it true? then you do not want yourself or your ds around this man any more - if anything should happen to you then goodness only knows what he would do with your ds....

I saw the counsellor to help me come to a decision about the future. he ahs agreed to see her and i think she wants to meet him to try to find out if they are any reason for his behaviour (not the dead ex, just general behaviour). I don't know what will happen from there.

I asked he if we could discuss the ex, and she said not the first times she meets him, want to see what comes of that meeting.

Newname - yes i do find it shocking :(

Ugh. Really don't think much of your counsellor OLC.

She ought to know that counselling abusers is a very bad idea. That she is trying to engage with him is a very bad sign.

Stop obsessing over his ex etc. It's another distraction from the real issue. Stop avoiding the real issues, it's only going to prolong the agony.

I agree , she doesnt very good.
Fwiw , finding the right counseller can be tricky , you have to like them and trust them .

I tried several before i found one i liked , i very nearly gave up. I had serious issues in my marriage in that my ex was sexually abusive , in other words , he was a rapist. It took courage to initially go to the first apointment , and when i did i explained as best i could what had been happening . She bluntly stated that some men are just like that and why didnt i like sex ? I was horrified. She effectiveley blamed me and parroted back his own beleifs and justifications , ie , men are entitled to sex , why dont i like sex with him ? , he must be getting very frustrated ect.instead of " why are you living with a rapist "? Very, very damaging.

I eventually found one via womans aid , they refered me to a womans centre locally and i found a loveley lady there who made all the differance. It was like having a brew with an old freind. I didnt have to explain about the abuse , the gaslighting , the neglect or anything else , she knew , and understood.

I wonder if it would be worth going down the same road Onelast , if you give womans aid a call theyll be able to refer you to a centre near you , its free as well. I dont think she should be counselling him , this is about you.

I also think hes making it up re the ex , these idiots often come up with a fantastic story in the early days , one theyve never spoken of , only to you because they trust you and your special. I also think they do it as some sort of test, to see if youll be scared away.

It sounds absurd but my ex once " confided " to me that he had a secret that had haunted him , that when he was a teen he and his freinds had been involved in some dodgy dealings . Aparently one of the boys involved had grassed to the police so the rest of the gang basicly chained him up and threw him in a river and watched him drown and threatened him into silence. It had haunted him ever since aparently.

I didnt beleive him at the time and i KNOW for a fact it isnt true .But hey, i married him still !

It had never occurred to me that he might be making it up about ex gf.

I actually do quite like my new counsellor and i think she's seeing him too to find out what we're dealing with if i do stay with him.

Amazingly h suggested a night out yesterday

Onelast , does she acknowledge that he is emotionally abusive , and that hes been abusive in the past ?

In my experience abusive men often make things up , its usually about a dark well kept secret and i think they do it for a variety of reasons , one to hint at how badly they can behave , and to also have you thinking that maybe this awful secret is the reason they are a wanker and to have you feeling sorry for them.

she wants to meet him to try to find out if they are any reason for his behaviour

I dont like this one bit. There IS a reason for his behaviour , its because hes abusive . The fact that she wants to explore if theyre are reasons for it screams to me that she doesnt understand abusive relationships. Im worried that this will end up being dumped onto you , she has already spoken to you about changing your reactions , which i dont agree with.

If you like her and want to continue to see her , what about ringing womans aid and see if theres someone local you can see as well ? Youve got nothing to lose.

RE him suggesting a night out , after the fiasco last time i hope you said a firm No.

"to find out what we're dealing with if i do stay with him."

she seems to be thinking that staying with him is only option. it isnt.

agree with dignified - this isnt the way to go... but she feeding into your need for someone to help you stay with him.

instead of helping you to be yourself and make your own decisions.

you H is not your child. he is an adult. you dont owe him. you are not responsible for his behaviour or for changing him.

you have a choice.

what are her views on marriage?

everything you say about him screams abusive and untrustworthy - no one should be encouraged to stay with someone, and a counsellor should not be trying to find out why he behaves as he does - it doesnt matter "why" - unless she wants to explore that and change - and that is for him to do.

i mean unless HE wants to do that - but that is his journey not yous.

i don't think she thinks staying with hi is th eonly option at all - it's just that i've said if we could be happy together that's what i'd want and was prepared to at it a bit longer.

If you've been as honest with your counsellor as you have with us, then she's trying to counsel an abusive marriage which is a bad idea and an indication of her not being appropriate for your needs, this explains why.

I strongly suspect you are not being totally honest with your counsellor, though. I think that's because you don't want to/are afraid to face the truth about your marriage. In denial. People usually develop negative patterns of behaviour for a reason, I think you're protecting yourself. You'd rather be in a familiar, but abusive relationship. It's human reaction. We all fear change, better the devil you know etc. Perhaps you feel you don't deserve better? But you do, and sometimes even uncertainty is better than familiarity. Just think on that.

I've only had 3 sesions which her so probably haven't covered everthing - he has seen this thread though