H using self help book in row

[onelastchance]

As some of you know from other posts, dh and i have been having a vry tough time.

I bought a couple of books, oe about anger management and one about emotional abuse. We have a weekly chat to discuss what we've agreed to read the previous week.

had a row (ironically about him not doing excercised in the book). It escalated s i was too upset to make u with him despite him making a few attempts. he then started ranting about it beig me who was abusing him and shouting really loudly all in front of ds (4). He stomed out of house and i could't help crying which then made poor ds cry too :(

H bought presents for me and ds in the evening to say sorry and if the shouting/ranting had ben a one off, i'd be ok now. trouble is, i'm pretty sure it'll happen again.

Am i being ureasonable for being upset about him not putting more effort into the reading and then refusing to make up with him?

I'd hazard a guess that he hasn't forgotten. Just not mentioning it - but not because of your mood, onelast! Just not mentioning it because he knows it means a lot to you ... He thinks you'll go off on a misery fit, which (he thinks) will give him an excuse to tell you how unreasonable/pathetic/needy/nagging/etc you are.

Little does he know, the new wiser and smarter onelast is now indoors, making plans for a nicer life without him

I aske him an hour or so ago (after he said he was making dinner) about restaurant - i assumed he didn't want to go. he siad it was becuase i was busy when he got home and thought i didn't want to becuause of my mood.

to be fair, he ha tried to make conversation and be helpful this eve

I've gone to bed now. he was helpful again. brought me up a drink when i asked (can't carry anything upstair because of ankle)and got something for me i couldn't reach. Maybe i'm being unfair to him?

Because of your mood? He can read your thoughts?

no but it was prtty obvious i wasn't happy!

Anyone there?

Hope ur ok OLC x

thanks patience. Not seen you on my thread before.

No just read it ,just to say i've just recently left a relationship similar to yours ,it has taken me a lot of time to realise just how bad a relationship it was for me ,i just didnt see it while i was living with him,he manipulated me for years and told me it was my fault.I think the word s that stuck with me from the lundy bancroft book were The opposite of abuse is respect.I know i have made the right choice and my self esteem has flourished.Since he has left me his actions have shown the real man that he is ,v selfish .Take care of yourself,i know now me and dcs will have a calmer more positive life and i have broken the negative cycle that was my marriage .This has been one of the most confusing stages of my life due to his constant head fuckery ,yet once you see them in their true light they just become predictable x

The thing that makes me doubt his abuse is that he can be very nice. Like yesterday, i was barely speaking to him, only when i had to and he offerred me a drink, i asked if i needed any help, made the dinner, brought things upstairs for me. Todayhe's leaving work early to take me to physio and tomorrow he's getting some hings for my business in town.

maybe i'm being too hard on him?

olc please buy and read lundy bancroft - he explains why they are also nice.

it is one of the connundrums of abusers - they dont abuse 24/7 and they get wyou with the cycle of nice/nasty/nice/nasty...

so you cling on for a scrap of "nice".
see hiddenhurt again -
www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Abuser/dynamics.htm

the anecdotes and quotes from peopel in lundy bancroft book really explain it very well... ditch your book and buy lundy, please.

please call womens aid and talk to a support worker about this - the nice/nasty stuff - they know it too well, believe me...

Thanks cest - i'll order the book.

The thing is with him is that he's rarely abusive without any provocation, eg he doesn't come in from work in a bad mood and start having a go at me. It only starts if i'm annyoed with him about something and then escalates, either because he makes excuses, makes a half hearted apology which i won't accept or i go on about things for a long time.

I've never spken to womens aid, i'll give them a call a bit later

of course. it will always be your fault.

you can look at your responses too of course. that you "go on about things" - either way, yours is not a healthy relationship.

but how does he act when others eg at work etc "annoy" him?

he says no one else makes him angry.

maybe i should look at my responses and talk to a counsellor about them before totally giving up?

He says people at work don't "berate" him if something goes wrong like i do. He says at work he's appreciated. I do express aprreciation for things he does, but it's very hard, esp atm with broken ankle and having to rely on him for some things. Whn he's angry he reminds me about everyhing he's done for me since i broke my ankle and has threatened not to look after me when he's been really angry. He's then surprised when i want as little of his help as possible and says i'm being difficult

My Xs cycle was Charming then Abusive then Victim poor him kinda thing to gain sympathy.Made me question my own instincts again and again ,but all emotional manipulation .I still cant believe he treated me like this and that accepted it for so long.He abused my love for him and pushed the boundaries to see what i would put up with before i called it a day ,its only very recently after 10 mth split that i can see him for who he really is.
Only did the charming to keep me hooked.

should have been more explicit - you wasting your energy going on at him. change your responses to save yourself....

yes, you need to give up on him yes. he isnt going to change.

stop trying any more to salvage this relationship.

focus your energy on planning how to move on and away. change your responses to neutral, calm, etc . dont rise to him.

find some friends who could help you if he wont. he wont look after you? well that's fine - you will call xxx or yyy.

he is using your dependence on him right now.

I can't tell you how happy I was to see where you said you'd call Women's Aid today, onelast :) You can just have a chat about your relationship, they're experts. I'm interested to read how it goes, if you feel like posting later. xx

Thanks grace :) was just about to look for number and h got home so will have to leave it til next week. he's come hom early to take me to physio as too far for me to drive atm. he came in, offered me a drink and asked what time i wanted to leave. Still only speaking to him if i have to. His parents are here for lunch on sunday, dreading that

ah yes, put on good form for parents visit.... show how reasonable he is... well, play along....but do call womens aid monday!

Hope physio goes well olc x

Physio went fine thanks :) H was being polite asking questions about it, i'm answering but very shortly. what a miserable existence this is :(

I'm worried about how i'll afford things initially if i leave as on my other thread someone implied i wouldn't get housing benefit because i jointly own the house dh and i live in. tried calling benefits office, but couldn't get through. Anyone know?

he's gone for a walk. Asked him before if he's happy with things. he said not really. he siad he's been trying to talk but i was just being miserable. i said i thought we had more important things to discuss than food, work etc. he siad at least he was making an effort and that i was just adding more misery to the situation.

What do i do if he wants to talk when he gets back?

And what about going out tomorrow eve?

So you can talk about things, but you can't be miserable? And he gets to decide what 'miserable' means?

And you're not making an effort, and he gets to decide what 'effort' means?

How about asking him to write down his feelings and thoughts instead of doing it verbally if he says he wants to talk? I suspect he has no interest in talking, but just wants to trip you up or accuse you of various faults based on things you say that he takes out of context.

He wants you to fall over with appreciation when he makes the minimum begrudging effort, and is comparing you badly with work and how much everyone loves him there -- he sees the relationship as a real drag obviously. So, as for going out, if he's made the effort to make the reservation and you're all organised with childcare lined up then go, and be as civil as you can. He will probably tell you you've done something to wound him no matter what, or that taking you anywhere is hard work, but at least you won't be accused of changing your mind and being unreasonable.

Wasn't entirely honest about physio going ok as couldn't bear to think about it. Well she's pleased with progress so all ok in that respect. However something h did to me years ago might have contributed to my ankle breaking so badly :(. Have just told him, he said nothing to start with then just turned the tv on. I asked if he had anything to say, he said he didn't know what to say. A few minutes later he said he was very sorry