H using self help book in row

[onelastchance]

As some of you know from other posts, dh and i have been having a vry tough time.

I bought a couple of books, oe about anger management and one about emotional abuse. We have a weekly chat to discuss what we've agreed to read the previous week.

had a row (ironically about him not doing excercised in the book). It escalated s i was too upset to make u with him despite him making a few attempts. he then started ranting about it beig me who was abusing him and shouting really loudly all in front of ds (4). He stomed out of house and i could't help crying which then made poor ds cry too :(

H bought presents for me and ds in the evening to say sorry and if the shouting/ranting had ben a one off, i'd be ok now. trouble is, i'm pretty sure it'll happen again.

Am i being ureasonable for being upset about him not putting more effort into the reading and then refusing to make up with him?

because he thinks it's ok to be angry with me?

'Fraid so :(
If a person is inappropriately angry at everybody, they have a personality problem.
If they only do it to their partner, they're making a choice to be nasty to their partner.
Yep, it's completely deliberate ...

Have you seen this page yet? Are you on it?

Yes, just read it - scary :(

It makes thing clearer than the book we've been reading

because your book is nicey american touchy feely - all about how the abused and abuser can sit and talk and get over it together - they cant. it wont work. really it wont. i dont honestly think it is meant for your situaion at all... read lundy bacncroft, freedo prgramme etcetc....read hidden hurt pages again and again and again....

go talk to relate/counsellor on your own, honestly about how you want this relationship fixed - it's ok to want that but really you cant fix it. not on your own. and he aint willing - like you said "he never expresses anger to anyone but me"

that is very telling....

Things gone from bad to worse this eve.

saw dr today and didn't get the news i was hoping for. dh was quite sympathetic. he said he'd keep helping me and i told him i didn't want his help :( mainly becuae he can throw it back at me and then refuse to do things for me if angry.I'd suggested at the weekedn we go out this eve (ds at his gp's til sunday) as my my of saying thanks for all his help. This morning i saw notes he'd written from book (written yesterday, so after my suggestion to say thnks) that i didn't appreciate anything he does for me.

I told him i didn't want out anymore becuase he clearly still thought that, despite my suggestion. Screaming match followed :(

Also told him earlier i didn't want things to revolve around the book as it was just making me more anxious.

feel so sad. Would be so nice to be happy and making good use of a few child free days...

yes i posted about this very recently, and have posted in the past, not for quite a while.

yes he's been violent in the past, but so have i :( I hope those days are well in the past

Oh, bloody hell, onelast, you're going through it aren't you? :(
The tension between you, about the tension in your relationship, is making you both tense!

I sort of feel I can't say anything much to you, because I think he's a bully and is the source of your depression - you're getting wiser, but at the same time your mood is trickling downhill and I hate to think of you putting all this effort in - just to get another row. Tonight was supposed to be your forget-about-it-all, fun evening, wasn't it?

See, I suspect he wound you up just so you wouldn't feel like going out and he wouldn't "have to" be nice to you. But that's the sort of thing nobody can prove, only observe. And I don't think you want to hear it yet. Is there some way you could get a few days on your own, or go stay with a friend for these few days? Might help clear your head.

Please leave him

I tried to think of something to pad that bald statement out, but there is nothing more to say

yes Grace, my mood is going downhill. he mkes me feel it's all my fault and if i were different, it'd all be ok. When i bring up bad things he's done, eg ranting infront of ds, he just says it was because he was angry/upset

he's also got a list of complaints about me now as a result of readig the book. Things which he "wasn't aware" of before

fgs, he is the worst kind of abuser...he uses the whole gamut of techniques, doesn't he ?

I really cannot understand why you are still trying so hard to save this terrible relationship.

Self help books are never helpful for these abusive men in the way that you think they could be as they can learn how to be more covert with their abuses. This is what is happening now.

Why do you cling onto the wreckage of this relationship?.

BTW what did your own parents teach you about relationships when you were a child?. You do not have to answer that but I would think that you were taught some damaging lessons by them.

Someone here needs to act like an adult and neither of you are currently doing so. Your child is of paramount importance here - or should be. The private war between you will cease only by you both separating from each other. You are better off apart.

If you do not leave you will totally destroy your own self along with your child in the process. You are both being dragged down by abusive man and currently you are allowing this to happen. I cannot put it any more succinctly that that.

I guess this is why counselling is said not to be appropriate for abusive people...it just teaches 'em new tricks and hands new sticks over with which to beat you

This thread clearly demonstrates that

OLC when you are with someone who 'it just doesn't work with' you are in a constant fight to control and to get on.

You mention feeling anxious. You should not feel anxious with your partner.

You should feel loved and cherished and validated as who you are.

I was in your situation and constantly wondered if it was me that was the problem. So I stuck it out and tried to fix it by pondering constantly if it was me... whilst knowing that things were wrong.

Stop analysing who's fault it is and just accept it is a relationship which is harming all of you.

Then leave.

You will find someone who doesn't need a book on how to behave in the relationship and you can relax with.

Thanks for your replies. I know i'm going on and on, but need to talk to someone, hard in rl as most people i know, know him too.

I said to him yesterday that i just thought we weren't well matched and if were were to start seeing eachother now, i wouldn't sty with him. He siad he didn't know what sort of perfect person i'm looking for.
I'm not after perfection - i know i'm not at all perfct either. It would be nice though to be with someone for whom i didn't have a long list of behaviour which i don't find acceptabl. It'd be good if that behaviour just never happened.

maybe i'm expecting too much?

Attila - i didn't have the best of time at home when growing up. My father (now dead) worshipped me til i wqas about 5, then used to get very angry with me when i started to show more personanlity. he used to punish me by not speaking or denyng who i was, eg i'd walk into a room and he's ask my mum who i was. I left home as soon as i'd finished my examm, did it while he was out. hardly saw him after that

you are expecting too much from him and from this relationship - it just isnt going to work. it will always be your fault. but his view on this is his problem not yours.

he thinks it is your fault? so be it. his problem...

see a counsellor and take practical measures to leave.

letting go of being repsonsible for how he feels about it/you/everything is a big step to make but one you need to do. once you realise you are responsible for your feelings only and your behaviour - and he for his - then you can let go and move on.

thanks cest. I know you're right it's just soo hard. When he's nice, it's lovley and i really wanted to ds to grow u in a family living with mummy and daddy. I'm scared i'll not be too ood with him on my own - dh play really well with him doing things i'm not so good at.

Dh just called but i didn't answer the phone, should i call back?

Oh, poor onelast :( You had a daddy who enjoyed making his daughter feel she didn't count. No wonder you then went on to marry a man who also acts like you don't count. My dad used to say "Can you hear a horrible noise?" when I talked. I married cruel tosspots, as well - I know that feeling of frantically believing I can & must improve this relationship, if only I try hard enough & do the right thing! It's like a feeling of longing, isn't it?

You know, it's not at all unusual for somebody whose parents were mean to them to do this. It's like we always felt there must be something we could do to make daddy love us more - that didn't work, so we then go on to find a similar man and keep trying! The problem is, a cruel tosspot is a cruel tosspot, end of. He won't change, because he enjoys being cruel. Nobody would put up with it unless they've got this "try harder" longing inside them. Every partner your DH has will have had a parent like your dad and mine, I guarantee.

Once you've spotted this, it's easier to watch what he's doing - and to see how repulsive it is. Please do go to counselling, you'll learn something about this and - I very much hope - decide you can live without being put down & ignored by tosspots, thank you very much!

Have a look at Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?". You could ask the library for it :)

Onelastchance, the problem is that you have been making your happiness reliant on him changing, and life doesn't work like that.

Look to yourself. What is it that you want to change?

I don't want to sound harsh but you can carry on being a victim, of your dad, of your dh, it's all their fault - or you can accept responsibility and be the creator of your own life. So you're 'not so good' at playing with ds? Change that to 'I'm great at playing with ds'. Why tell yourself all these negative stories about yourself?

Once you realise that you are responsible for your own life and you have choices you really do become free.

Ring him if you want. Take a few deep breaths, and have an excuse ready to ring off if you feel yourself getting upset.

What do you think about being in a marriage where you're scared to speak to your husband on the phone?
How do you think he'll treat DS when DS starts answering back?