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Original poster

H using self help book in row

468 replies

onelastchance · 23/08/2010 00:34

As some of you know from other posts, dh and i have been having a vry tough time.

I bought a couple of books, oe about anger management and one about emotional abuse. We have a weekly chat to discuss what we've agreed to read the previous week.

had a row (ironically about him not doing excercised in the book). It escalated s i was too upset to make u with him despite him making a few attempts. he then started ranting about it beig me who was abusing him and shouting really loudly all in front of ds (4). He stomed out of house and i could't help crying which then made poor ds cry too :(

H bought presents for me and ds in the evening to say sorry and if the shouting/ranting had ben a one off, i'd be ok now. trouble is, i'm pretty sure it'll happen again.

Am i being ureasonable for being upset about him not putting more effort into the reading and then refusing to make up with him?

OP posts:
spiritmum · 27/09/2010 13:48

But onelast, it doesn't matter if he's 'bad' or not, you are unhappy with him!

And you know that this is just an 'up' in his concern for you and very soon there will be a 'down'. And how can he be concerned about your ankle if he isn't remorseful?

Original poster
onelastchance · 27/09/2010 13:59

I know you're right spirit.

I guess he is concernd about ankle as knows how painful it's been and we can't be sure what he did contributed to it.

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ItsGraceAgain · 27/09/2010 14:09

You know how we've told you we understand about focusing on the details, so as to avoid having to take in the big picture? Well, a paramedic told me that he knows someone's dying when they complain of a minor injury (instead of the big ones that are killing them.) The example he gave was a road crash victim. If they've been terminally injured, but are still conscious, they complain that the road surface is digging into them. The major injury has sent them into such massive shock their brain chooses to ignore it ... and blames the tarmac for their pain, instead.

Obviously I don't think you're in the same predicament as someone who's just been hit by a truck! But I do think your mind's playing a similar type of self-preservation trick. It may be just too painful for you to take in the whole picture just now, so instead you're focusing on what he said/didn't say, etc (the tarmac). How about just not bothering with the details for a while? I'm not saying try and force yourself to comprehend anything you aren't ready for, just how about not fretting over the details either? Can you do that - just leave it alone, and go with the flow for a few days?

Original poster
onelastchance · 27/09/2010 14:26

Thanks Grace - i'll try to do that.

Feeling quite low today, as though the slightest thing could make me cry ;9

OP posts:
ItsGraceAgain · 27/09/2010 14:35

Oh, bless :(
What can you do that's really nice for you today?

Patienceobtainsallthings · 27/09/2010 16:02

Dont mean this to sound rude because i appreciate ur empathy OLC ,but its not "Poor Patience"its just what i am having to deal with this year i gave up a 20 yr career also because of the split .Maybe i will be able to go back to it ,maybe i wont,hope my accomodation problems get sorted out too ,but my point is i am being proactive ,this year i could so easily have become a powerless victim,instead i pulled myself up and try to keep my thoughts positive,negativity just drags me down.

Original poster
onelastchance · 27/09/2010 21:33

Another horrible evening :(

Don't know if any of you watch coronation street - the natasha story just made me feel even more disgust of h. A least those close to her tried ot do the right thing after she took an od, despite her lying ver being pg.

I said to h that it makes you think and at least people tried to look after her - his response "well i'm still here" I said i was talking about his gf, not me.. Silence followed

OP posts:
Original poster
onelastchance · 28/09/2010 08:20

Feeling so tired and heavy headed this morning :(

Really admire you Patience :)

OP posts:
Original poster
onelastchance · 28/09/2010 10:04

H hs just sent me a text saying he hopes my appt with counsellor goes well...Don't know what to think

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cestlavielife · 28/09/2010 11:52

tell this to the counsellor - that you are confused over his nice/nasty behaviour. see what she says.

newnamethistime · 28/09/2010 13:20

OLC - you've brought up your H girlfriend that died by suicide more than once and noone seems to have picked up on it.
Without meaning to pry, roughly what happened?
His gf died, he lied to her friends about where she was after she died? hHe didn't contact her family because she was not in contact with them? He didn't arrange a funeral? Who organised a funeral for her? Have I gotten the wrong end of the stick? I must admit, I find this deeply disturbing, and I can see why it crops up for you over and over. Have you spoken to your counsellor about this?

Original poster
onelastchance · 28/09/2010 14:21

Newname - yes that's pretty much what happened. he came home to find her dead. she'd taken an overdose. he called an ambulance and they took her to hospital. he didnt arrnage a funeral, didn't have contact with family, told her friends she's moved away.

I have told the counsellor about it.

OP posts:
dignified · 29/09/2010 09:43

I dont know what to make of that Onelast , its pretty hard to cover up a death. Sureley it would have been reported in the newpaper , there would have been an inquest ect . And sureley in the case of a suicide the police would have interveiwed him extensiveley and also her freinds ? Its just not possible to keep these things secret.

proudnglad · 29/09/2010 10:49

Dignified - YES.

This is not based in reality.

Really this is why I've questioned so much that's been presented.

cestlavielife · 29/09/2010 10:54

that is his story of what happened? did you know her? on what basiss do you have this suicide story? from his own mouth? has anyone else corroborated this story? why did she have no contact with her family? how do you know if any of it is true? have you checked deaths register etc?

does it not worry you ?

sounds very odd to me...

cestlavielife · 29/09/2010 10:55

and if he didnt arrange a funeral what happened to her body? where is it now?

ItsGraceAgain · 29/09/2010 12:05

Her family don't even know she's dead? I wonder if he told the hospital & police her real name. Have you sometimes wondered if he's waiting for you to suicide, too, onelast?

Original poster
onelastchance · 29/09/2010 12:33

Yes, it doesn worry me hugely! I have only heard the details from him. I didn't know the gf, it was long before i met dh and he lived in another part of the country. i only know her first name so wouldn't be able to check anything.

He said the hospital took her body, doesn't know what happened after that.

No i don't thinkg he's waiting fo rme to kill myslef.

he siad the police did visit him a few times.

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cestlavielife · 29/09/2010 12:47

so what does that tell you about what he thinks of his girl friends? past and present?

he came home to find her dead.

so - they were living together?

she'd taken an overdose. he called an ambulance and they took her to hospital.

well fair enough so far.....

he didnt arrnage a funeral, didn't have contact with family, told her friends she's moved away

sorri but that is scary - he lived with someone as boy/girl friend and when she killed herself he told her friends she had moved away?

if any of this is true it is really bizarre!

and if it isnt true - then why tell you?

is he trying to say - well if you die i'll just tell your friends/family you moved away... i dont care that much anyone ....

proudnglad · 29/09/2010 13:11

It's not true

ItsGraceAgain · 29/09/2010 13:17

??

Original poster
onelastchance · 29/09/2010 13:35

Cest - ys they were living together. Yes I find it scary too. He told me early in in our relationship, he was talking about the end of previous relationships and said with one girlfriend he didn't get the chance to find out why it ended - becuase se killed herself with an overdose. I was so shocked, nd he seemed upset that i didn't ask anymore for a while. The resot of the info (or lack of it came out when i kept qustioning him)

It does sometimes make me wonder what hes do if i died. As i'm in aot of contact with family and friends, i think he'd have to tell the truth.
Yes, it does scare me

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cestlavielife · 29/09/2010 13:53

"with one girlfriend he didn't get the chance to find out why it ended - becuase se killed herself with an overdose"

still makes no sense -

either eg he ended it and then she killed herself
or she ended it then killed herself
or they were together and it hadnt ended - but she was for example depressed and killed herself. or it was completely out of teh blue that she killed herself.

ie her dying was the end of their relationship

to say "i dont know why it ended because she killed herself before she could tell me" makes no sense at all.

he is either a very scary man to be around or has some deep rooted issues, or ???

proudnglad · 29/09/2010 13:56

Or he - or OLC - has a very flimsy grasp on reality.

Original poster
onelastchance · 29/09/2010 14:20

he said happened out of the blue, didn't see it coming.

I think what he meant wthey never actualyy split up , therefore no discussions about it - becuase she killed herself with no warning.

Proud - I don't know why you think i have a flimsy grasp on reality - i can promise i'm only saying what i've been told - horrible as it is

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