H using self help book in row

[onelastchance]

As some of you know from other posts, dh and i have been having a vry tough time.

I bought a couple of books, oe about anger management and one about emotional abuse. We have a weekly chat to discuss what we've agreed to read the previous week.

had a row (ironically about him not doing excercised in the book). It escalated s i was too upset to make u with him despite him making a few attempts. he then started ranting about it beig me who was abusing him and shouting really loudly all in front of ds (4). He stomed out of house and i could't help crying which then made poor ds cry too :(

H bought presents for me and ds in the evening to say sorry and if the shouting/ranting had ben a one off, i'd be ok now. trouble is, i'm pretty sure it'll happen again.

Am i being ureasonable for being upset about him not putting more effort into the reading and then refusing to make up with him?

I don't think you have acknowledged my point at all or taken on board or thought about what anyone on here has posted to try and help you.

You merely plough on like a stream of consiousness about the minutiae of what you believe to be the issues or his failings.

Why don't you read Dignified's post again and my post again. Not because we are necessarily right who knows, we don't know you - but because people are offering you alternative ways of looking at it rather than being obsessively locked in to this bizarre dance ie you waiting on him to do the things you demand or seem to desperately require of him, him not delivering.

It's not working for you. At all. In any way.

Thanks proud. i've just reread you rpost and dignified (assume you mean the one on 24 sept.

yes, guess she's right about the weekly chats, they don't really achieve anything. As she says shouldn't need a meeting for to discuss what would come naturally for most.

I think i just want it to work so much, i keep hoping he'll change. This is all so sad.

beofre i read your reply i wrote a note saying i was upset he hadn't booked a taxi despite saying he'd do things like that/remind himself. he took it, think he read it , he didn't say anything and has now gone out to do gardening.

he has helped m e today by doing some stuff for my business which i can't do atm becuase of ankle. he's not all bad at all, mayb we're just unsuited :(

Ok you are still not listening to what I am saying. You don't have to, of course, but I'm not going to post again. Good luck.

Sorry proud :( maybe you could expain more?

Am i just being unreasonable to him? if you think so i'd rather know

I can understand proudnglad feeling frustrated OLC- several posters have given you really good advice and it seems as though you find it hard to respond to that advice directly.

One point that struck me was that I thought it strange your counsellor would say you should train your H but not make him aware he is being trained. I thought that odd from a counsellor. I would have expected them to advise honesty and openness as much as possible.

My H and I have counselling and I see our person myself on my own here and there. She makes it very clear that she will leave it to me to explain to my H what has been said in my one-to-one sessions, but that I must say as much as I can - that I should be as honest as I possibly can, or else the whole process falls apart.

Seems a bit manipulative otherwise.

Thanks walking. I think she just siad that because i he thinks he's "being trained" he'll probably not bother doing anything and will resent it.

I'm sorry it feels as if i'm not taking he advice given. some of it just seems to conflict a bit and i just feel like i'm sinking..

that's a horrid feeling, I know it myself. Not now but at other times.

You're not though, you're reaching out to people on here and you have a counsellor who is helping you. There is lots of positive stuff you can do to lift yourself. Do you have a friend you could phone this evening? Or get a good DVD, some chocolates, open a bottle of wine and switch off for the evening

Thanks walking :)

I think i'll just have try to hav a relaxing eve in front of tv and not get into any "chats" with dh. i've got a nice day planned tomorrow so will try to focus on that. Also got another appt with counsellor on tues. And a girly night out in a few days :)

I have to go OLC - fish pie ready to come out the oven and feed several hungry boys and one very hungry girl!

I hope you can lift yourself this evening, take yourself off for a soak in the bath, sounds cliched but I love a good wallow in bubbles.

What about chatting to people on their threads - immerse yourself in someone else's situation, or several peoples and it may help you to switch off from your own for a while??

Thanks walking - will give that a go :)

Well it workd for a while then i stupidly asked him how he felt about the note i's written. he said "not great because i know you wanted to go out" Then when i asked why he didn't booktaxt/write reminder he said it was "because it was obvious i didn't want to go out"

Yes at around 2pm i yawned asn di asked if i wanted ot go out still if tired and i said i did as then he's use me not going as an excse not to arrnage anything else.

However before that i'd talked about us going out on about 4 occasions. He calims to have thought about booking taxi - amazingly when i ask him about things he's always 2been thinking about it"

God this is crap :((

I'm relying on him to drive me to my sisters tomorrow as i can't drive that far with bad ankle. really wihing i hadn't arrnaged a bday party for myslef in a few weeks almost feel like cancelling it (

Onelast , as Proud said , you constantly seem to miss the point. I dont think this is accidental on your part , i think you are doing it in order to cope , and to avoid facing the real issues at hand , in other words, i think this is a coping strategy on your part.

Ive been where you are and ive done silimar , although i didnt realise it at the time. There was always an issue with this or that , and while i was always justified in objecting to his rudeness or his lazyness ect , it really wasnt the issue . The real issue was much bigger , and much more serious , but these minor issues served a purpose for me at the time in that i became so engrossed in them i didnt have to look at the more important things, which is just as well, because i didnt want to, and i wasnt ready to.

Walkings made some good suggestions as did proud . If you are going to see a counseller i think you need to either be honest with her about whats really going on , or just not go . Spending money and time discussing training is yet another stalling / denial technique and im surprised shes going along with it.

If your h had booked a taxi, arranged to go out, asked you about this and that , you still wouldnt be happy Onelast, because its really not about that at all. I think the harsh truth is that you are not happy , he does not meet your emotional needs , there is no joy or hope in your life and i think your struggling to accept that. A relationship should enhance your life , not spoil it.

Like many others ive sank years and years into a unhappy marriage , and like many others , i knew deep down . But i just wasnt able / ready / willing to accept it. Maybe thats where your at Onelast.

Thanks dignified :) I'm not intentionally trying t annoy anyone here by not taking advice, truly.

I just hoped so much things could work, and they're obviously not going to .

No h doesn't meet my emotional needs, theres been a hg amount of hurt. I generally prefer my time without him there, or at least eel more relaxed.

What should i say to the counsellor on tues?

I know your not Onelast, and im sure posters arent getting annoyed at you personally , i think theyre just frustrated that you cant see the obvious and upset on your behalf because you deserve so much more.

Im not sure re your counseller , how do you feel about her , what do you want to get out of counselling ?

This place your in Onelast , caught between wanting it to be ok and knowing deep down it isnt , i stayed there for over a decade , having children , and sinking £250,000 into a marriage that was going nowhere , at some point each day i cried , i had never felt so loneley. I often reflect on why i stayed so long , how i wasted these years , and rage , but the truth is i *wanted" it to be ok, therefore it had to be.

I just wasnt strong enough , or willing , to admit that i had made a mistake. If thats where your at now , thats ok , perhaps your just not ready . Freinds suggested counselling , recomended books and websites , yet i never ordered those books and never looked on those websites , because i knew , that if i was to read that book , i would be forced to recognise my sitation for what it was , and i didnt want to.

Maybe now is just not the time for you , a divorce or significant split forces you to re evaluate your marriage , at what part you played in things going wrong , to look at your life , freinds , family , to examine your childhood and discover how you arrived here , , and the worse thing , to greive and rage for all the things we should have had but didnt.

Considering that , its not surprising that we go to such great lengths and immerse ourselves in self denial so we dont have to deal with it. But as someone else said , your making positive steps , posting on here and going to counselling , keep it up.

Just scanned this whole thread.

There's a big flashing neon sign that this relationship needs to end, onelast. It's that he's been violent to you. He broke your fingers. He screwed up your back. You asked him how he felt about the long term implications of his violence to you and he surlyly apologised after you prompted him.

Do you see how terrible that is?

If my DH accidentally injured me that seriously he'd be falling over himself apologising and looking after my every whim from sheer guilt.

Everything you have written on this thread is you detailing your attempting to square the circle. You are trying to make an abuser not be an abuser. That is not under your control. No matter what your frankly irresponsible counsellor says. You can only control how you respond to him. And a healthy response to a violent and verbally abusive individual is to get away from them as fast as you can. Even anger towards him would be healthier. But instead you are trying to mould him into the partner you want, concentrating on the minutae of your dissatisfaction, ignoring the huge problems. Playing the fiddle whilst Rome burns.

You can't change him. He wont feel genuine remorse or empathy towards you because he can't, he can only go through the motions. That's why you have to nag him all the time, it's just not in him.

He abused you. You and your son deserve better.

You need to come to terms with the fact that the relationship has to end.

Try calling Women's Aid and telling them the whole truth this time.

Dignified, thank you for clarifying what I was trying to say. Your post is spot on, particularly the copying strategies comment. You also put it in a much kinder and helpful way than I did.

Dizie - great post. But re the 'abuse', I've been looking back on OLC's threads and am confused about this (couldn't find anything about her injuries).

OLC details many instances where, in my opinion, it seems her dh is trying to reach out or support her in practical and emotional ways yet is always met with 'you did not reach out to me in the right way at the right time'.

She also is honest about having emotional issues prior to marriage and 'being abusive' herself. That's why I asked yesterday whether his 'abusive behaviour' could be, in part, a total withdrawal from OLC because of her obsessive behaviour.

The reason I'm bringing this up is because, as you say, it's the time to try and be totally honest and try to get to the root/crux of this agony.

OLC I'm sorry to 'talk over your head'. I genuinely wish you luck. One thing that is clear is that you are deeply unhappy and need help. I am not sure you can or are ready to take on board what everyone is trying so hard to make you see but I really hope you will get there.

Thanks proud, dizie and dignigfied.

proud - yes he has injured me permanenty. it was during a violent row 7 years ago. I hit him because he was being vile to me and he pushed me hard and 99% sure it was this which caused my injury. Not sure if this is on this thread or my previous ones

Dizie - yes, you're probabky right about i needing to end

Dignified - thanks for being so understanding.I probably am in denial.

He refused to get u with ds this morning (he's been doing it most of time sine my broken ankle) and is still in bed. Hoping he'll still drive me to my sisters...

Yes i agree that i have been abusive to h in the past but don't think i am now.

i think dizie is right - he doesn't feel genuine empathy or remorse. he has to be "told" everything.This hasn't just been with me or a recent thing.

before he met me, his gf killed herself. he told noone, except the police. he told her friends, she moved away. She wasn't in ouch with family and he didn't arrnage a funeral. he'd told noone about this until 6 years after it happened when he told me. it haunts me :(

Onelast, just a thought but could you print this off and show your counsellor if you find it hard to actually say these things out loud?

At least it sounds like you know it isn't going to work out now. I think that really neither of you are good for each other and your ds will do so much better growing up without all this emotional warfare going on around him.

Maybe you can look at you and dh splitting not as a 'failure' but as a way of making things work, in the sense that by doing so you are opening the way for both of you to make your lives better. Failure comes from staying put and not living life as it is meant to be lived.

good idea spirit.

h sen to me a text this morning saying "not so sorry you upset me that it stopped you doig it again" I replied " i was learning from him"

I'm ashamed to say i did stoop to called him horribel things yesterday and friday - called him a freak :(

OLC

What is all this doing to your four year old child?. You yourself learnt damaging relationship lessons as a child, do you really want to do the same to your son?. No?. But what you are both teaching him here are damaging relationship lessons, you're showing him that your poor treatment of yourself at your H;s hands is currently acceptable to you. Your H is acting abusively towards you as well, what sort of role model is he to your child?.

You as adults have a choice whether you wish to continue your very problematic marriage, your child does not. I am not suggesting that you are not being fully considerate your son but he is in real danger of becoming lost here within all this.

You'd be far happier apart honestly.

Onelast, it seems to me that as well as him abusing you, you are abusing your h to some extent, even if only verbally. Can you really see a way in which you can ever get any kind of respect for each other?

I agree with Attila. Is this really what you want for your ds to learn is 'normal'? Don't make him the excuse for you staying together, he should be a big reason for you separating.

Fri 27th August 21:04-

"However something h did to me years ago might have contributed to my ankle breaking so badly . Have just told him, he said nothing to start with then just turned the tv on. I asked if he had anything to say, he said he didn't know what to say. A few minutes later he said he was very sorry"

Fri 27-Aug-10 23:20:09-

"Not sure if that's what dittany meant. There have bee 2 major injuries he's caused me in the past. The first i'm ashamed ot say was in response ot me hitting him, he grabbed me and puashed me down. I felt something in my back "slip" and the chiropractor i saw this is this waht twisted my pelvis. The other thing was during a row , he slammed a doora dn caught my fingers in it (by mistake), 2 were broken These incidents were 7 years ago"

Was very surprised you all didn't pick up on it TBH.

Just supporting dignified & dizie. Like some others, Onelast, I stay with your thread because I know you're trying to see what's happening to you but are afraid to look. Like the others, I've been there too :(

When coupled with other uncaring behaviours, accidental violence usually isn't accidental.

I also think it's a good idea to show your thread to your counsellor. Okay, it'll take the whole session to read it but, who knows, maybe it'll set you and her on the road to some really useful work.

Did you manage to get to your sister's?
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