Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How should I have handled this?

356 replies

Squished · 22/08/2010 23:38

This looks terrible written down in black and white. It wasn't as clear and obvious this morning. I wonder if I'm misinterpreting or misreading somehow. I need some perspective, although the way I've written it, I'm not sure what other perspective there could be.

This morning, DH brought DD upstairs into our bed as he and she were both awake before me. He gave her a sticker book to play with, and then sat back down at his computer. After a while, he decided it was time I got up (I was awake, but I still had my eyes closed, it wasn't that late, about 8 I think). So he told me that DD's feed was about to run out (she's on a supplemental feed through a gastrostomy atm) and I should go and get some more ready. I didn't move straight away so he said to DD, "I'll give mummy a cuddle, that'll make her get up". He lay down on top of me and basically started touching me and getting himself off. I asked him twice to stop and he ignored me, pushed his knee between my legs to get closer. I asked him to let me up and he said "DD isn't even looking". Obviously, at the sound of her name, she did look, and he told her (in a jokey way) to look away.

None of this was said nastily. He was smiling and acting normally. I didn't raise my voice or physically try to fight him off because of DD. I even wonder if that might be one reason why he brought her upstairs - because he knew I wouldn't fight in front of her? I've let her down so much. Between us, DH and I have basically taught her that no doesn't really mean no, stop means keep going.

This isn't normal, is it? Or am I overreacting?

He's been acting totally normal all day. I've been feeling more and more crappy as the day has gone on. I didn't even open my eyes this morning. I might as well have been a blow up doll.

What should I have have done to protect DD?

I'm not sure when I will be able to reply (it's taken me all day to write this), but I will be back when I can.

OP posts:
Lizzabadger · 22/08/2010 23:44

Sounds extremely inappropriate. What else has been happening that you feel you have been teaching dd that 'no does't mean no'?

Tortington · 22/08/2010 23:47

theres obviously more context to this for you to feel this way. as i would have just said "gerroff you fat lump, i'll go in a minute, go make me a brew whilst i get dressed"

ThatVikRinA22 · 22/08/2010 23:50

would need to know more - what do you mean you have taught her that no doesnt mean no?

to me, on the face of what you have written, it sounds as though your partner was feeling horny and trying it on, like lots of men would and do - its how he would react if you said 'no' and meant it that matters and whether or not you felt uncomfortable and made that clear?
and how old your DD is.

Original poster
Squished · 23/08/2010 00:00

Custardo, do you think I am overreacting then?

Liz what else, and what other context? Well, it's not the first time. He knows I don't feel comfortable doing things like that in front of the DC (kissing, cuddling, being affectionate is one thing, but anything more than that I feel is not appropriate). I don't know how he expected me to respond. He knew I wouldn't reciprocate in the circumstances, but if I had tried telling him more firmly to get off, or pushing him off, he would have been more forceful (not violent, more like he would have thought it was a game), and eventally he would have gone off in a huff and sulked all day.

OP posts:
clam · 23/08/2010 00:01

I think it would have been preferable for your DD to witness you kneeing him in the groin and hissing "get off me NOW" than for her to witness what actually happened.
With a sticker book, I'm guessing under 5?

Does your DH force himself on you at other times too?

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

Original poster
Squished · 23/08/2010 00:05

DD is 5.

I asked him 3 times to stop it, let me up, and he ignored me. Maybe I wasn't clear. I said it quietly. But it must have been clear that I wasn't interested, I didn't even look at him until he was done.

I sound really pathetic here, don't I!

OP posts:
Tortington · 23/08/2010 00:06

no. im wondering why you couldn't just tell him to gerroff and make you a brew. why is it so dark and sordid, why does this sound like a seedy grope rather than an inconvenient morning fumble?

Tortington · 23/08/2010 00:07

until he was done? so he had sex with you without your consent?

booyhoo · 23/08/2010 00:10

it sounds like he was using your DD's prescence to exert some sort of control over you. like he was manipulating you through her being there, knowing that you wouldn't cause a scene. it worries me that you say you have let her down by showing her that no doesn't mean no. can you elaborate on that? why does your DH think that what he did was a positive thing to do infront of his dd? why did he need you to comply at all, surely you have a say in whether he touches you like that? he doesn't sound like avery nice person at all to me. i am sorry this has happened but you do seem to have under-reacted. i would be seriously pissed off about that.

Original poster
Squished · 23/08/2010 00:10

It felt more like a seedy grope.

Not not sex.

OP posts:
booyhoo · 23/08/2010 00:11

are you sayinghe penetrated you and had full sex infront of your dd and against your will?

booyhoo · 23/08/2010 00:12

oops xpost. not full sex then. but he came?

Original poster
Squished · 23/08/2010 00:13

No not sex.

OP posts:
clam · 23/08/2010 00:14

Full sex or not, I would be livid with him.

And I agree, he doesn't sound very nice at all.

Original poster
Squished · 23/08/2010 00:14

Booyhoo, yes, that's exactly how it felt - ussing DD's presence.

And yes, he came.

OP posts:
theslumbertaker · 23/08/2010 00:16

squished. sorry if i sound obtuse. are you saying that he basically raped you, with your daughter present?

theslumbertaker · 23/08/2010 00:18

sorry another x post.

full sex or not. if he wasn't married to you, this would be sexual assualt to say the least. why do you feel that you can't tell him to f**k off if he tries this?

Original poster
Squished · 23/08/2010 00:25

If i told him to f**k off, he would sulk, and I would be the one being unreasonable.

Must go to bed now. Thank you for the replies. I will try to get back on tomorrow when I can.

OP posts:
booyhoo · 23/08/2010 00:29

married or not, it is a sexual assault.

squished, this is really not on. you need to think really hard about whether this man is a good person to have influencing your DD and also to be sharing your life with. he has no respect for you at all. he was basically telling you this morning that he can do exactly what he wants and he knows you will tolerate it to keep the peace for your DD's sake.

theslumbertaker · 23/08/2010 00:34

no you wouldn't be being unreasonable at all. and if he sulks about this sort of thing, it sounds as though he is manipulating you. you were obviously extremely uncomfortable with what happened, therefore it should not have happened. it sounds very inappropriate. he used your dd's presence to exert control. do you want to be with this man?

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 23/08/2010 05:18

Squished, there's a few things here.

You think he brought her into the room in order to have an opportunity to assault you without you being able to complain? So clearly there's form, and you have reason to believe it was premeditated.

And you might well be right - after all, why couldn't HE make her supplementary feed? Why bring her to you in the first place? Even that, apart from the assault, feels manipulative.

The fact that you know how he'd react if you said no - by becoming more forceful - means he tries this sort of thing often, and thinks it's fine to try and coerce you into sex that you don't want.

As for asking him three times, but quietly - of course he heard you. Of course he knew. And yet he kept using you until he came, in front of your daughter.

This is really, really creepy horrible abusive stuff. Your feelings about it are spot on, except that you have to stop thinking that you're pathetic and start thinking about yourself. Namely, you're in a relationship with a man who is forcing sex against your will. You have to address this.

Lizzabadger · 23/08/2010 06:54

What Tortoise said. This man sounds vile tbh.

compo · 23/08/2010 07:12

Why did he bring a five yr old upstairs anyway? He could have put the tv on and let you sleep in

MrsReality · 23/08/2010 07:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeppermintPasty · 23/08/2010 08:18

And would it matter if he sulked all day? My dp does stupid things(not horrible things like this, I'm not saying it's nothing), and I challenge him, of course, and let the idiot sulk if he wants to. Why can't you do that? If ever something deserved a "fuck off" this is it.