How should I have handled this?

[Squished]

This looks terrible written down in black and white. It wasn't as clear and obvious this morning. I wonder if I'm misinterpreting or misreading somehow. I need some perspective, although the way I've written it, I'm not sure what other perspective there could be.

This morning, DH brought DD upstairs into our bed as he and she were both awake before me. He gave her a sticker book to play with, and then sat back down at his computer. After a while, he decided it was time I got up (I was awake, but I still had my eyes closed, it wasn't that late, about 8 I think). So he told me that DD's feed was about to run out (she's on a supplemental feed through a gastrostomy atm) and I should go and get some more ready. I didn't move straight away so he said to DD, "I'll give mummy a cuddle, that'll make her get up". He lay down on top of me and basically started touching me and getting himself off. I asked him twice to stop and he ignored me, pushed his knee between my legs to get closer. I asked him to let me up and he said "DD isn't even looking". Obviously, at the sound of her name, she did look, and he told her (in a jokey way) to look away.

None of this was said nastily. He was smiling and acting normally. I didn't raise my voice or physically try to fight him off because of DD. I even wonder if that might be one reason why he brought her upstairs - because he knew I wouldn't fight in front of her? I've let her down so much. Between us, DH and I have basically taught her that no doesn't really mean no, stop means keep going.

This isn't normal, is it? Or am I overreacting?

He's been acting totally normal all day. I've been feeling more and more crappy as the day has gone on. I didn't even open my eyes this morning. I might as well have been a blow up doll.

What should I have have done to protect DD?

I'm not sure when I will be able to reply (it's taken me all day to write this), but I will be back when I can.

Dear Squished
Well done for what you are doing.
Lots of good advice here.
Get a lawyer asap (Woman's Aid should be able to give you the name of someone with good experience in this area - at the very least make sure you have a family law specialist).
Stay in the house if you can!
I am afraid your husband's behaviour does sound like grooming to me (very premeditated). Are you all safe? If in doubt call the police and also your parents.
Get all the support you can - family, GP. doctors at the hospital. Your solicitor can advise you on all your options. He doesn't need to know any of this - keep your cards close to your chest but do act fast. Might he be shifting money? It sounds as if there might be more going on at his work than h e is letting on.
Also, what was he doing on his computer on Sunday morning? What was he looking at? Is it possible he looks at inappropriate images?
Be strong - you have lots of online support - but you also need real life practical support from those who love you and real life professional help from a good lawyer and your GP (to keep an eye on YOU) to help you through this.
Especially as all else must feel on hold until you know how your daughter is. It must be hell for you at the moment.
Could the doctors at the hospital have a quiet word with you about the whole US issue? Is the US the only and best option for your daughter? It must be heartbreaking if so. From my experience the NHS UK bends over backwards for kids - can your daughter's doctors here reassure you as to her best treatment here and how much better the US might be?
Can you trust anything your husband says about the insurance or anything?
I wouldn't lightly suggest to anyone leaving a marriage but what he did on Sunday crossed a line and sets off alarm bells in some of us. I hope we are wrong. If he is a potential abuser of your dds you have to get rid of him now and he has done you a favour on Sunday. He has given you the best reason to get out of what sounds like a horrible relationship for you and one which might be dangerous for your girls.
Also I am not sure discussing anything with him will achieve anything - if he twists everything.
Good luck!!!

Squished, be strong, don't give up and keep your mind on the happier times to come. You won't regret.

Good luck. Stay strong.

I've just re-read this whole thread. It feels a bit like layers of lies and illusion being peeled away, if that makes any sense. I'm actually shocked at my own replies. I keep remembering things he has said or done, and seeing them in a totally different light. Every single post here has helped me, and I'm so grateful to you all. Although I am utterly terrified at the prospect of what is come, I also feel relieved, and stronger than I have in a long time.

Well done squished - i just found this thread and read it end to end. so pleased to read you confronted him and are taking steps to get rid of him.

And i'm and you making him feel like a rapist.... what, because he is one and doesn't like it being pointed out. :( boo.

Hi squished - really pleased to hear that you are ok and seeing things clearly. Might be a good idea to write down some of what you're thinking right now, if you think you might be persuaded later that it is all in your head? :( Or print the thread?

What steps are you taking at the moment? Are you all still together in the house? Do you need support?

Glad you're feeling stronger, if you can get yourself and the DC away from this horrible man, you are a strong woman and a great mother.

Well done aquished. You are a brave woman.

I am still going to advise you to go to the police, because when you leave him you will need to allow him access to your DD and there will be no legal reason for it to be supervised. I am really worried that his behaviour towards your DD will be inappropriate (at best). I know that it would be an incredibly hard thing for you to do, but believe me that they would take it very seriously and you might find it easier to force him to leave the house etc with their help.

Best of luck.

Just wanted to say I've been following this thread and keep checking to see if you're okay squished.

You're being really strong and doing the right thing in taking steps to secure a happy and safe future for yourself and your DDs.

I also agree that now is probably the right time to get some outside advice, perhaps from the police, so that you can work out how to make the next steps.

Good to hear you're coming to terms with what he's done. Take care, hope you and both DDs are well today. :)

I have read this whole thread and not contributed much except for the stuff about the health insurance because I don't have any experience and know others are in a much better place to advise. But just wanted to say how much I admire you for your strength and hope you can move you and your DDs to a place of safety for you all very soon

Cheering you on, Squished.

He's almost certainly lying about the work thing, although what SGB suggested is also a distinct possibility. And of course if he does lose his job it will be all your fault somehow. (You didn't iron his shirts right? wtf?)

Well Dones Squished - you're doing the right thing. This is going to be tough but glad you are re-evaluating things and detatching yourself from the tangle of tales he's been telling you. Just be careful - e.g. I wouldn't print out this thread unless you are sure he won't find it - if he reads it then the whole thing will be our fault for telling you he is wrong. We will be the blame (as well as you) and not any of his actions.
Please talk to someone you can trust in real life - just so someone out there knows what is happening and is aware. Personally I don't think I'd speak to the police (unless you are ready to go with all the consequences of that yet whilst still living with him) but I would try and find a trusted friend and tell them and let your P know you have spoken to someone about it too.
Good luck and be brave - you are doing great. It is very hard to break from someone so controlling.

squisehed, here is what i think you should do

1. talk to proffesionals to see what is the best way to protect yourself
2. change names in mn if your h knows what you use
3. i wouldn't print this either, unless you can hide somewhere safe, the kitchen cupboard is not appropiate.
4. if you think he can read your mn, ask mnhq to delete this thread, it has served its purpouse.
5. tell the whole thing to someone in rl and stablish determined times several times a day to ring them, so they know that if you don't ring something is wrong, i really wouldn't trust this man.
6. gather all information possible, bank papers, employment documents, medical papers, passport, anything else useful
7. tell the doctors in the hospital, make sure dd is safe there too, trust me if there is something a doctor hates is a sick child in his/her care expose to potential abuse, also they can help as best treatment, best way of raising money, my doctor is always raising funds for some patient with a sad story.
8. when you feel strong and confident enough, go to the police, the bastard deserve prosecution.

please, keep safe, we are proud of you, as you should be, it is a hard time, but you will be so much better in the end, and think of the lesson you are teaching your dds: your mother is no doormat, she will defend herself and you, and this is what you do when you grow up, you don't take abuse., i think that is invaluable

i hope you find some of this useful.

There's something else I would like to add too. When my mother left my father she was convinced that all his aggression, bullying and abuse, including sexual, was directed at her. Because she never actually saw him behave like that towards my brother and me, she thought we were safe and that he was a good enough father. Whereas actually he was abusing us too in all of those ways. He was just clever enough to do it when she wasn't around, and as children we never thought to tell anyone as living in a dysfuctional family had taught us that these things were normal.

What I am saying is that people who abuse their partners are likely to do the same to their children, as they are also 'weaker' than them and defenceless. They might very well keep that secret from their partners as they are not stupid and know that most mothers will not stand for their children being treated in ways they are sadly willing to put up with themselves.

" I keep remembering things he has said or done, and seeing them in a totally different light" - i know that feeling... once the lightbulb goes off everything becomes clearer... counselling helps...

hope you are able practically speaking to do what you need to do now and confide in profressionals.... ask womens aid about safety, planning to leave etc....this is when they can get volatile and violent...

and if he does kick off any time you can always call 999....

the friend code word thing is good idea too.

How are you lovely? :)

How are you squished?

squished, gald you are coming to terms with things, i hope you are finding things easier to deal with as time goes on. great advice from previous posters. most important thing now is to protect yourself and your dcs.

also i totally get what you mean about teh layers of lies. it was only through talking on here with the great MNers who gave me their time that i actually saw what they could 'see' in my relationship. they could see everything that Exp had been doing but because i had been putting up with it for so long and because it had all been applied gradually, i didn't get that clear picture of it. only afterwards when i look back on it i see it for what it was.

I think my head is full of spaghetti. I haven't been able to get any thoughts straight - I have a notebook full of bits of lists, and sort-of-questions, and none of it is in any sort of order, or makes much sense. It makes it all too easy for him to stick his fork in (metaphorically speaking) and twist it all around. Ooh, get me and my metaphors.

The only practical thing I managed to do is get the passports and a few other documents and keep them in my bag. I've told my mum that we've talked about splitting up, but not the reason why.

I haven't seen much of him all week. Been at the hospital till the girls' bedtime each day, then he's been upstairs in the bedroom and I've slept on the sofa (my choice - didn't like the idea of being on the top floor away from the girls).

He's generally been a bit cold and distant until this lunchtime. He gave me a cuddle and said that he's sorry for the things he said last week. Then he asked me something (I forget exactly how he worded it - damned spaghetti brain) that was something along the lines of: I forgive him, don't I, and we're alright? I said we'll talk this evening after the girls are in bed. And he was surprised that I didn't give him an instant "yes" to his question!

I think you should tell your mum if shes generally supportive. He will no doubt try to minimise it and manipulate you.

I couldn't, Dignified, she'd be devastated.

Sounds like he's trying to sweep it all under the carpet.
Don't let him. For you DDs' sakes.

I realise this thread has moved on but want to add something. So sorry Squished for what has been happening

"Swallowed, she has not been sexually abused, she has witnessed sometjhing horrible, but I WILL NOT let anything happen to her."

She has been sexually abused. For adults to have sex (or in this case for one to have raped another) in front of a child is sexual abuse of that child.

I had a child protection course as part of my job a few years ago, and that much was made explicitly clear.

I'm just adding it because I want people who read this to know that fact.