How should I have handled this?

[Squished]

This looks terrible written down in black and white. It wasn't as clear and obvious this morning. I wonder if I'm misinterpreting or misreading somehow. I need some perspective, although the way I've written it, I'm not sure what other perspective there could be.

This morning, DH brought DD upstairs into our bed as he and she were both awake before me. He gave her a sticker book to play with, and then sat back down at his computer. After a while, he decided it was time I got up (I was awake, but I still had my eyes closed, it wasn't that late, about 8 I think). So he told me that DD's feed was about to run out (she's on a supplemental feed through a gastrostomy atm) and I should go and get some more ready. I didn't move straight away so he said to DD, "I'll give mummy a cuddle, that'll make her get up". He lay down on top of me and basically started touching me and getting himself off. I asked him twice to stop and he ignored me, pushed his knee between my legs to get closer. I asked him to let me up and he said "DD isn't even looking". Obviously, at the sound of her name, she did look, and he told her (in a jokey way) to look away.

None of this was said nastily. He was smiling and acting normally. I didn't raise my voice or physically try to fight him off because of DD. I even wonder if that might be one reason why he brought her upstairs - because he knew I wouldn't fight in front of her? I've let her down so much. Between us, DH and I have basically taught her that no doesn't really mean no, stop means keep going.

This isn't normal, is it? Or am I overreacting?

He's been acting totally normal all day. I've been feeling more and more crappy as the day has gone on. I didn't even open my eyes this morning. I might as well have been a blow up doll.

What should I have have done to protect DD?

I'm not sure when I will be able to reply (it's taken me all day to write this), but I will be back when I can.

*assault, ffs

I agree with provincial lady, if you were to write down a list of his crimes it would probably be as long as your arm. I wish I thought the OP would have the courage to do it though :(

Squished, this is truly shocking. And you say it's not the first time he has done this (although perhaps not in front of your DD before)?

I hope you manage to get the support you need to see you through this and get you and your DD out of this awful situation. I personally would be very wary of leaving your DD alone with this man. To say his boundaries are blurred on what is appropriate behaviour in front of a child is putting it very mildly.

Am so angry on your behalf and so sad that you and your DD are going through this.

Oh, and in answer to your original question, "How should I have handled this?", the answer is you shouldn't have to handle it. AT ALL. What your arsehole husband did was abusive to both you and your DD. He should not be using you as a means to get himself off when you clearly say 'no' and he should not be ejaculating anywhere near your 5 year old child. That's not anything anyone should have to wonder how to handle.

what are you going to do, squished?

squished, you've gone quiet. Are you OK?

clam - You beat me to it.

squished - hope you are ok.

Squished, come back and talk if you can, there are lots of people here who can help you.

www.womensaid.org.uk

Blimey. Right, I have read all your replies. Thank you everyone. Difficult for me to reply properly right now (I'm not at home), but I don't want you all to think that I have disappeared.

I had just about convinced myself overnight that I was making something out of nothing. But I really can't just let this go, can I?

Firstly, to all the people who thought he shouldn't be alone with her, or that he might physically harm her - I REALLY don't think he would ever do that. He loves her to bits abnd would never hurt her deliberately.

Next step? I think we need to to have a very honest talk tonight. If he's not too busy of course - in the past, we've only talked on his terms, when he wanted to. Whenever I have tried to start a serious conversation, he has said he has lots of work to do for the next morning or something like that.

Of course he does! That's because he doesn't want to listen. It's all part of his utter disrespect for you as a person.

This is really important. And it doesn't have to take long.

squiashed, he has just abused your dd deliberatley. do not kid yourself that he wouldn't hurt her when your back is turned. you have seen what he is barve enough to try infront of you, what the hell is he capable of when he knows you aren't looking?

oops squished

and also, i wouldn't be doing any talking with him. i would have his bags packed and sent to him at work.

Squished - do you understand how weird/strange/abusive/creepy it was for him to ejaculate in front of your 5 year old daughter?

I think everyone on here thinks it is absolutely disgusting behaviour. Do you feel that too?

I'm trying to say that 99.9% of people would be horrified by what he did, are you?

I agree with you talking to him but do you understand how serious this is and where it could lead?

And besides the fact that your dd was in the room it was abusive to you too of course, do you see that?

and he doesn't love your dd if he is prepared to sexually abuse her mother in front of her. Please stop trying to normalise this, it isn't normal.

squished it worries me how calm you now seem about it, as if it was a little tiff not sexual abuse of you and your 5 year old daughter

"goodbye" is quite a fast word to say.

Only half-joking. He may love her to bits but putting her in a room where she is - feet? inches? - away from him while he is having an orgasm is harmful. She is five, she is awake, she can probably read and write a bit and have a proper conversation, she is not a baby.

I can't believe I'm saying this like it's a good thing, but most men who like to victimise their wives are perfectly capable of doing it without bringing a small child into the room as a witness. He did it for a reason, or at the very least he doesn't see the inappropriateness of ejaculating with your daughter awake and in the room.

I was trying to find some info for you and it specifically mentioned five y.o. as being a time when children became very aware that what is going on with/around them sexually is wrong.

This is his offence: Causing a child to watch a sex act

Yes FC, I do see it. I've been ignoring/excusing his treatment of me for, well, years when I think about it, but it was the way that he deliberately seemed to drag her into it that shocked me.

squished what are you going to do? do you think you are safe to let hime continue living there?

btw, you aren't safe, i am just asking if you really do believe that you are.

And at the very least this: www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/2003/42/section/11:

Engaging in sexual activity in the presence of a child

(1)A person aged 18 or over (A) commits an offence if?

(a)he intentionally engages in an activity,

(b)the activity is sexual,

(c)for the purpose of obtaining sexual gratification, he engages in it?

(i)when another person (B) is present or is in a place from which A can be observed, and

(ii)knowing or believing that B is aware, or intending that B should be aware, that he is engaging in it, and

(d)either?

(i)B is under 16 and A does not reasonably believe that B is 16 or over, or

(ii)B is under 13.

(2)A person guilty of an offence under this section is liable?

(a)on summary conviction, to imprisonment for a term not exceeding 6 months or a fine not exceeding the statutory maximum or both;

(b)on conviction on indictment, to imprisonment for a term not exceeding 10 years.

It's good in a way that it wasn't sex (obviously, but in another way too) because he can't say you were at fault too, he was doing it to you, or really to himself.

I don't know what I'm going to do.