How should I have handled this?

[Squished]

This looks terrible written down in black and white. It wasn't as clear and obvious this morning. I wonder if I'm misinterpreting or misreading somehow. I need some perspective, although the way I've written it, I'm not sure what other perspective there could be.

This morning, DH brought DD upstairs into our bed as he and she were both awake before me. He gave her a sticker book to play with, and then sat back down at his computer. After a while, he decided it was time I got up (I was awake, but I still had my eyes closed, it wasn't that late, about 8 I think). So he told me that DD's feed was about to run out (she's on a supplemental feed through a gastrostomy atm) and I should go and get some more ready. I didn't move straight away so he said to DD, "I'll give mummy a cuddle, that'll make her get up". He lay down on top of me and basically started touching me and getting himself off. I asked him twice to stop and he ignored me, pushed his knee between my legs to get closer. I asked him to let me up and he said "DD isn't even looking". Obviously, at the sound of her name, she did look, and he told her (in a jokey way) to look away.

None of this was said nastily. He was smiling and acting normally. I didn't raise my voice or physically try to fight him off because of DD. I even wonder if that might be one reason why he brought her upstairs - because he knew I wouldn't fight in front of her? I've let her down so much. Between us, DH and I have basically taught her that no doesn't really mean no, stop means keep going.

This isn't normal, is it? Or am I overreacting?

He's been acting totally normal all day. I've been feeling more and more crappy as the day has gone on. I didn't even open my eyes this morning. I might as well have been a blow up doll.

What should I have have done to protect DD?

I'm not sure when I will be able to reply (it's taken me all day to write this), but I will be back when I can.

I think you should go the police, I really do. Haven't read your other thread (can someone link?) but he is abusing your daughter. He is abusing you. He is dangerous. You need someone on your side and luckily the police don't like criminals and abusers much either.

You're not in Cornwall are you?

it may not have been sex elephants but it was sexual activity which is the term used in that legislation.

squished, if it were me i would have to tell him to leave. i am being totally honest here. you and your DD are not safe. he will do this again and it will increase in frequency and in sexual content (i.e, next time he will have full sex with you against your will because he got away with it this time) please please don't brush this off, you know this will only get worse unless you stop it. think of your daughter, is this the sort of 'normality' you want for her?

i agree with elephants, you need to tell the police.

Squished

Listen to FLUFFY! And all of the posters on here who are telling you that this is NOT normal or acceptable!

Please do something. Today. You have posted about him before and recently.

About how controlling he is. How you feel you can't leave. The hold he has over you because of DDs additional requirements in terms of his internatioanl healthcare insurance.

You both need to get away from him and now.

This is not going to get better or og away. He will keep controlling you to one degree or another.

What he has done, knowing all too well that DD was in the same room, watchin him do that to you is vile.

It is abuse. Of you both.

No one thought the man who abused my friend would have done something like that either. Has your dd said anything about it?

Agree with all the others at the severity of the situation. Bloody Hell he ejaculated in front of his 5 year old daughter. Oh my fucking God.

He doesn't have to be physically touching her to abuse her.

You need to put a stop to this now. I'm sure if you told SS or police, or anyone in RL they'd agree that at best this is highly inappropriate. At worst, jeez, it's sexual abuse of you both.

Is there anyone in RL you can chat to?

yes booyhoo, sorry I didn't mean to confuse. I meant that she can go to the police and he cannot argue that "they" were committing the offence (if it were sex), it was just him. what he did is definitely covered under that legislation.

Do you have a good friend, or family member to support you?

elephants - fantastic post, I knew it was a crime, just wasn't sure what it fell under.

Squished - please understand that this is not normal

Again - if you think its just something that got out of hand or a little tiff then tell your family about it, see their reactions. Or phone childline anonymously and ask them what they think - you will see this is totally unacceptable and as above a criminal act.

oh squished i remember your post about the international healthcare. i didn't realise that was also you.

please please please, take this as your wake up call. get out of this abusive life.

Booyhoo, i think Elephants is only distinguishing it in the sense that it was clearly not a consensual act with two adults seeking sexual gratification. Squished wasn't engaged in the act for her own pleasure, and therefore not liable.

Squished, you have issues with health insurance and your daughter's health problems, don't you? Are you comfortable talking more about that, someone might be able to give you some practical help.

sorry elephants, i picked that up wrong (it seems wrong to do grin face on this thread so i won't do it.)

further to what saf just said, and im not trying to pile the pressure on, but when your dd grows up she won't just blame him, or even blame him the most. I know many people who hold the parent who did nothing (ie didnt take them to a place of safety didnt stop it, didnt get them out) equally if not more responsible than the one who did the emotional/physical/sexual abuse.

What support do you have? Is there somewhere you can stay?

Has he ever thrown something at you, hit the wall violently during an argument, barged at you, pushed you or blocked your exit from a room? At all? Or anything else like that?

Would it be fair to say that he has "had sex" with you against your will before? You mentioned on the other thread that "physical contact always ends in sex" or something.

please don't disappear, what is happening is not your fault, it is his. Please keep that in mind. The only thing you can decide is what you do now.

Squished

I know this must seem very overwhelming for you, all the posts to read, lots of harsh reality hitting home but all anyone wants is to help you and your DD. She is five years old. You have to help her and yourself.

You posted this and your last thread for a reason. You are asking for help.

Listen to what people are saying. This is very real and this is very serious.

Who can you talk to in RL? Does anyone know how you feel about your DH? Have you opened up to anyone about how he controls you?

Please Squished, this has gone past talking to DH about his 'behaviour'. Look at your posts. Look what you have typed.

If this was your friend or another poster, you would say the same as we all have on here.

Act now.

"I'll give mummy a cuddle, that'll make her get up".
That phrase has been bugging me. I think it's because it implies that there has been an issue before with him wanting sex with you when you don't. I take it that usually you go along with it for a quiet life. But now he's upping the stakes, by involving your daughter, although I still don't get why he needed to, if he can get his way anyway, which makes it all the more unacceptable. It can only escalate.

I'm sorry if we're all bombarding you. But it seems that you've been conditioned into going along with him ("he decided it was time I got up!!" FFS!) and have now lost sight of normality. I know we're a bunch of strangers on the internet, but actually, we're people in real life too, and not one of us has agreed with you that it's OK. IT IS SO NOT OK.

Please get help and advice from one of the links given here. And save your DD (and other children??) from this deeply dysfunctional man. (And did you ever get any further information about medical cover for your DD in the event of separation? That's crucial)

clam, to me it seems as though he used the DD being there to manipulate the OP, but it also seems like he got some sort of kick out of knowing the OP would be uncomfortable with DD being there but not wishing to make a scene. it is all very scary.

missed this earlier: "I didn't even open my eyes this morning" :(

Was DD still there when you did? What was she doing?

Medical info is crucial BUT even more crucial is getting her out of this situation. If you went to the police I am sure he would have to leave the house.

booyhoo, exactly. He didn't need to have the DD there, as squished would probably have gone along with it anyway, so the fact that he did contrive it, is all the more worrying.

this is interesting, about how to get an injunction to stop him approaching you or DD.

OP, I know it's horrible. But talking to him is not going to make him stop abusing you. Haven't you tried it and tried it? He has crossed the line. And if you don't put the line at the point where he starts to endanger his DD, where do you put it?

elephants, i amy be wrong but i think OP did open her eyes at some point during the assault as she says DD looked at hearing her name (before him telling her to look away) so OP was obviously looking at this point.

oh, I assumed that she implied this from his instruction to look away.

How do you tell your daughter "in a jokey way" to look away while you masturbate yourself to orgasm on her sleeping mother? :(

Fuck. The more I think about this - and the more other posters highlight specific stuff like Squished's H telling their DD to look away - the worse it seems. Just horrific. And so sad that poor Squished has been conditioned so thoroughly by this man that she has to ask if it's normal.

Squished, talk to someone in RL. Speaking the words out loud will make it seem real, will make you need to do something about it. You've done the right thing by posting on here - you will get some amazing advice and support (as you have already done), but you need some rl support here too. Whether that's a family member, a friend or someone from Women's Aid, please talk to someone.