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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How should I have handled this?

356 replies

Squished · 22/08/2010 23:38

This looks terrible written down in black and white. It wasn't as clear and obvious this morning. I wonder if I'm misinterpreting or misreading somehow. I need some perspective, although the way I've written it, I'm not sure what other perspective there could be.

This morning, DH brought DD upstairs into our bed as he and she were both awake before me. He gave her a sticker book to play with, and then sat back down at his computer. After a while, he decided it was time I got up (I was awake, but I still had my eyes closed, it wasn't that late, about 8 I think). So he told me that DD's feed was about to run out (she's on a supplemental feed through a gastrostomy atm) and I should go and get some more ready. I didn't move straight away so he said to DD, "I'll give mummy a cuddle, that'll make her get up". He lay down on top of me and basically started touching me and getting himself off. I asked him twice to stop and he ignored me, pushed his knee between my legs to get closer. I asked him to let me up and he said "DD isn't even looking". Obviously, at the sound of her name, she did look, and he told her (in a jokey way) to look away.

None of this was said nastily. He was smiling and acting normally. I didn't raise my voice or physically try to fight him off because of DD. I even wonder if that might be one reason why he brought her upstairs - because he knew I wouldn't fight in front of her? I've let her down so much. Between us, DH and I have basically taught her that no doesn't really mean no, stop means keep going.

This isn't normal, is it? Or am I overreacting?

He's been acting totally normal all day. I've been feeling more and more crappy as the day has gone on. I didn't even open my eyes this morning. I might as well have been a blow up doll.

What should I have have done to protect DD?

I'm not sure when I will be able to reply (it's taken me all day to write this), but I will be back when I can.

OP posts:
jesuswhatnext · 23/08/2010 08:37

what a horrible man!, op, you are not over reacting - you AND your dd are victims of a nasty selfish sexual bully! what a revolting thing for a daughter to witness.

JustAnother · 23/08/2010 09:18

Gosh, I do hope for your daughter's sake that she wasn't looking. This kind of thing could hunt her for a long time and spoil her future concept of healthy relationships. For your DD's sake and yourself, DO something about it. You know this is not normal.

FluffyCut · 23/08/2010 09:25

HE CAME IN FRONT OF YOUR 5 YEAR OLD DD????

Did i read that right?????????

That is horrendous, he is a sex, vile man. He told her 'not to watch'?? I'm sorry but is he trying to set her up to abuse as she gets older?? Why otherwise would he do that in front of a 5 year old??

I THINK SOME POSTERS HAVE MISSED THE FACT THAT HE CAME IN FRONT OF A 5 YEAR OLD!!!!

I think you need to get the fuck out with your dd. Angry

swallowedAfly · 23/08/2010 09:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

JustAnother · 23/08/2010 09:47

When you DD goes back to school in two weeks time, she might have some interesting stories to tell. If the teacher gets hold of any of this, even if of course your daughter wouldn't be able to give detail, you are going to be into more trouble than you thought.

Mouseface · 23/08/2010 09:53

Squished

I agree with SAF, Fluffycut and MrsReality here. This is abuse of you both.

Emotional and sexual abuse. You cannot let this continue.

Re-read your posts. Are you seriously going to ignore this because he may sulk?

Anniegetyourgun · 23/08/2010 09:59

"If i told him to f**k off, he would sulk, and I would be the one being unreasonable"

He would have said you were the one being unreasonable. That does not make it true . He is not the only adult in this relationship; in fact I think possibly you are the only adult, because he is behaving like a spoiled child. What he wants comes first or he bullies and sulks. Really, that isn't decent behaviour.

If you'd made a fuss, it might have upset your daughter, and he would have said it was your fault. But again, it would not be true. It was perhaps a good thing you didn't make a fight out of it with her there, but frankly I'd want to take it up with him later when the children can't hear, and let him know exactly where the boundaries are in future.

And what everyone else said about pushing himself on you sexually in front of your child being totally disgusting, obviously. I wonder if he actually gets off on the power thing, rather than just being totally self-centred.

clam · 23/08/2010 09:59

And the most minor item on your 'to do' list is to tell him in no uncertain terms how unattractive and how much of a turn-off sulking is.

But, as I say, that is the least of your problems. I'd never share a bed with him again.

QS · 23/08/2010 10:00

Do you think having your daughter present and potentially watching is part of the sex for him?

clam · 23/08/2010 10:02

"This looks terrible written down in black and white."

That's because it is terrible. You really do HAVE to deal with this, and persist with it, not allowing him to brush it under the carpet by saying you're being unreasonable or over-protective or whatever.

And I'm guessing there's more stuff going on here as well.

MrsReality · 23/08/2010 10:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sayithowitis · 23/08/2010 10:14

I agree with Justanother. All adults in school are very attuned to comments made by the pupils and if your DD gives the slightest hint of this, they will be obliged to report it to whoever at the school is Child protection officer. they in turn will be contacting Social Services and who knows what would happen from there.

Your husband has assaulted you. He has, by having her in the room, assaulted your DD. It is not as though your DD wandered in whilst you and he were 'engaged', your Husband made a deliberate choice to bring her to the room and to do what he did.

You are correct when you say it looks terrible, that's because it is terrible. If my husband showed such a complete lack of respect for me, particularly with our child in the room, he would be gone.

You must protect yourself and your child from this and take whatever steps are necessary to prevent it from ever happening again.

QueeferSutherland · 23/08/2010 10:15

I was thinking that QS.

Squished, we all have furtive sex with babies in the room, but this is shocking!

The fact you have had to pluck up the courage to post and have been feeling crappy is testament to how seedy and abusive this is.

Is he always sexually aggressive with you?

swallowedAfly · 23/08/2010 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

littleshinyone · 23/08/2010 10:26

this sounds like there's more going on. and that may be you're at the point of wanting to deal with it?

good luck. xx

FluffyCut · 23/08/2010 10:26

SAF- Thank you, that is exactly what I wanted to write but I was so Shock that she said he actually ejaculated that I got lost in a whirlwind of capitals and exclamation marks Blush

OP - I really feel he is grooming your daughter to think this is 'normal' and he could be planning to abuse her. I know that there is NO WAY that my DP could have sex/ejaculate with our 5 year old dd in the room, how could we possibly feel 'in the mood' with a 5 year old there?

This is a big red flag to me, hes either getting off on controlling you or the fact that his dd is in the room. Or both.

I actually feel the need to vomit after reading this, and you don't seem that bothered Shock

Please get in touch with someone in RL, family, friends and get help now.

Anniegetyourgun · 23/08/2010 10:35

Oh she is bothered, FluffyCut, she just doesn't believe she has a right to be Sad

FluffyCut · 23/08/2010 10:38

Annie - i know you're right, its just so far out of my realm of experience (thank god) that its all baffling to me.

She sounds so detached, perhaps because of years of abuse from this utter idiot?

OP - If you need to see what others think of this without telling anyone in rl, you could ring child line anonymously and ask them, they might be able to help you? Or women's aid?

QueeferSutherland · 23/08/2010 10:38

Exactly my point SaF.

I think this is the tip of a rather ugly iceberg.Sad

AliGrylls · 23/08/2010 10:44

"Between us, DH and I have basically taught her that no doesn't really mean no, stop means keep going."

What does this mean? That you have told her that no means yes? This is a strange thing to teach a 5 year old.

FluffyCut · 23/08/2010 11:06

Ali - I assume she means that her dd has seen her tell her DH no and then seen him carrying on, thereby by implication teaching her that 'no means yes'

emmyloulou · 23/08/2010 11:18

Wrongess of it all aside for a sec, how did he manage to get to turned on to the point of coming with his daughter in the room.

That is wrongness and sick on a totally different level.

I don't know about anyone else but my DH would lose the ability to function at the mere hint of one of the children even stirring 4 rooms down. It's just not normal to do what your H has done.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 23/08/2010 12:04

Agree with others who have said that what he has done is child abuse, let alone what he has done to you which is - say it loud - sexual assult. I am highlighting those words because when you hear those on the news or see them in the paper, it's this kind of situation that is being talked about. By rights he should be in court for what he is doing to you both. Please don't think that by saying this is happening, it is a reflection on you. It isn't, it is a reflection upon no-one but himself. He is an abuser, and he is definitely, definitely not a "good dad" which is so often the last resort reason from people who will not leave their abusive partners. If a friend has got himself off in the living room while your daughter was playing on the floor, you would see the wrongness even more clearly.

What is stopping you from leaving? (not a rhetorical question)

Your DD will have known what was going on (or at least that it was wrong and weird) and in the future she will hold you responsible if you could have got her out and you didn't.

I would guess that he is preparing to abuse her physically as well, I'm afraid.

TheProvincialLady · 23/08/2010 12:13

You should call the police. He could be put on the sex offenders register for this and he SHOULD BE.

sorrento56 · 23/08/2010 12:19

You are not responsible for him sulking if you say no to sex as is your right too anytime.

This man is vile. He wanked off in front of his daughter and you need to have a really seriously think whether you accept that that is okay in front of your child. I have a 5 year old and my husband doesn't even snog me in front of him. I kiss hello and good bye, fine, a wank, no way.