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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How should I have handled this?

356 replies

Squished · 22/08/2010 23:38

This looks terrible written down in black and white. It wasn't as clear and obvious this morning. I wonder if I'm misinterpreting or misreading somehow. I need some perspective, although the way I've written it, I'm not sure what other perspective there could be.

This morning, DH brought DD upstairs into our bed as he and she were both awake before me. He gave her a sticker book to play with, and then sat back down at his computer. After a while, he decided it was time I got up (I was awake, but I still had my eyes closed, it wasn't that late, about 8 I think). So he told me that DD's feed was about to run out (she's on a supplemental feed through a gastrostomy atm) and I should go and get some more ready. I didn't move straight away so he said to DD, "I'll give mummy a cuddle, that'll make her get up". He lay down on top of me and basically started touching me and getting himself off. I asked him twice to stop and he ignored me, pushed his knee between my legs to get closer. I asked him to let me up and he said "DD isn't even looking". Obviously, at the sound of her name, she did look, and he told her (in a jokey way) to look away.

None of this was said nastily. He was smiling and acting normally. I didn't raise my voice or physically try to fight him off because of DD. I even wonder if that might be one reason why he brought her upstairs - because he knew I wouldn't fight in front of her? I've let her down so much. Between us, DH and I have basically taught her that no doesn't really mean no, stop means keep going.

This isn't normal, is it? Or am I overreacting?

He's been acting totally normal all day. I've been feeling more and more crappy as the day has gone on. I didn't even open my eyes this morning. I might as well have been a blow up doll.

What should I have have done to protect DD?

I'm not sure when I will be able to reply (it's taken me all day to write this), but I will be back when I can.

OP posts:
sorrento56 · 23/08/2010 14:41

Please protect your child from this man.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 23/08/2010 14:41

are you still reading, squished? I know it's a lot to take in, but there are a lot of women on here who would do anything to get you and your DD to somewhere safe. Imagine living without the fear of emotional and sexual abuse. You wouldn't have to put up with assault and feign sleep in the hope that he would leave you alone. You could just be happy with your DD.

KittyBigglesworth · 23/08/2010 14:43

I totally agree with the other posters, this is unacceptable and disturbing.

When he told her to look away, did your daughter just obey him and do as she was told? This seems a bit strange, aren't most children quite defiant at this age? Even if she was not looking she would have been well aware that something was going on and she would have sensed that you weren't happy. Was all this happening under the bedcovers?

I would urge you to speak to someone about this. As the child's mother you have responsibility for her moral and emotional welfare as well as her safety. How could any man let alone a father even get an erection with a child in the room? There's something wrong going on there. How would you feel if, when she goes to school, she tells her friends or teacher that "Daddy told me to look away while he did something to Mummy"?

Please consider speaking to a GP or social worker about the situation. Are you financially independent or totally reliant upon him for money?

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 23/08/2010 14:43

Do you really think your H would withhold medical treatment from his DD to spite you? (honest question)

shivster1980 · 23/08/2010 14:48

This post is deeply deeply disturbing and makes me feel a bit sick. So deeply sad for you and your DD OP that you have to go through this Sad The wonderful people of mumsnet have given you some good advice and I have nothing to add except that I will be thinking of you.

Mouseface · 23/08/2010 14:55

Elephants

IIRC - H's employer pays for the international medical insurance/healthcare.

Also, if they are still married, DD would still be covered I think. So not really up to the H, more his employer.

I could be wrong but I think that's what was said in the last thread.

booyhoo · 23/08/2010 15:00

you could be right elephants, she may have assumed dd had looked from her husband's instruction to look away.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 23/08/2010 15:08

the whole thing is just :(

I keep coming back and clicking "refresh" hoping to see you say you will escape, squished.

Original poster
Squished · 23/08/2010 15:12

Urg, I'm feeling nauseous.

No-one in RL to talk to - how that hell can I admit out loud that I have fucked up so completely?

The health insurance - it covers employees and their dependents. If DD wasn't living with him, would she still count as his dependent?

OP posts:
ElephantsAndMiasmas · 23/08/2010 15:20

I would have thought so - especially if he is liable for child support (which he had blooming well better be). Do you think it's time to talk to a lawyer?

Listen chicken you haven't fucked up. It's him and what he's done/doing to you. That makes it his fault. If you get away from him and take your DD you are doing everything you can.

What support do you have? Is there somewhere you can stay? Friends/family, you don't have to tell them anything.

Has he ever thrown something at you, hit the wall violently during an argument, barged at you, pushed you or blocked your exit from a room? At all? Or anything else like that?

Would it be fair to say that he has "had sex" with you against your will before? You mentioned on the other thread that "physical contact always ends in sex" or something.

what is happening is not your fault, it is his. Please keep that in mind. The only thing you can decide is what you do now.

Mumi · 23/08/2010 15:22

Squished
I was raped by my XP in front of my then 4 year old DS. I hoped DS wouldn't remember it but he mentions things which make me think he does.
I didn't fully realise XP wasn't allowed to just get away with that until I met a man who didn't treat me like that and wish I had felt confident enough to call the police there and then.

Please, please, please call the police and get him removed from your home.

Thank you for posting the offence link ElephantsAndMiasmas. I am going to put what happened to us in writing and give it to the police now.

Mouseface · 23/08/2010 15:22

Squished

Can you not get a copy of the policy and check the definitions of cover for 'dependents'?

I'd hope that they would cover her if he is still employed by them and she is still going to be his daughter isn't she.

I'd try and check but that's not the most important thing right now.

Is it?

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 23/08/2010 15:24

Can't your DD get treatment on the NHS?

I would argue the biggest immediate threat to her is the presence of bullying and sexual violence in the house. But I don't know about her illness etc.

booyhoo · 23/08/2010 15:25

suished, you have not fucked up. as long as you act now, no-one can ever accuse you of that. but you must act now, how much longer does he get to do this to you? end it now.
ring a locksmith right now and change the locks. pack him a bag and have it sent to him. if you don't think you will be safe at home can you go to family or friends? ring womens aid, they will be able to help you out of this. please do it now.

sorrento56 · 23/08/2010 15:26

You haven't fucked up but tbh, and I hate to say it, you will have done if you do not get this man away from you.

booyhoo · 23/08/2010 15:28

mumi, that is great, well odne for holding him to account on what he did to you both. i hope this is encouraging for you squished. you will be far better off when you get rid of him. mumi is proof that you can get through this.

Rindercella · 23/08/2010 15:28

That's the point - you have not fucked up. This is not your fault. But now is the time you can change things and make them better for you and your children. When you say you have no-one in rl do you mean you literally don't have any close friends/family to talk to or that you really don't think you can tell them? There is of course always Women's Aid.

Wrt to the insurance, I@ am pretty sure that she would still be covered. DSS was always included under DH's policy even though he didn't live with us.

PawMum · 23/08/2010 15:29

has your daughter got special needs squished?

oh god you poor thing, this is not normal at all

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 23/08/2010 15:30

I missed your post Mumi - I'm so sorry about what happened to you both. Great that you feel able to go to the police with that information, it will be on record at least

madonnawhore · 23/08/2010 15:41

None of this is your fault and you cannot blame yourself. You've obviously been manipulated and groomed over time to the extent that you even have to ask whether this situation is normal.

However, everyone who has read your OP is horrified and disgusted and I can tell you that the answer to your question is a resounding 'no!'. It's not normal and it's very, very far from being excusable, whatever the circumstances.

Now that you've had this wake up call you can't ignore it or allow him to twist things so that it doesn't seem as bad. To not act now would be incredibly irresponsible. You have to get yourself and your daughter out of this toxic situation.

If a man masturbated himself to climax in front of my five year old neice I would want to murder him.

JustAnother · 23/08/2010 15:48

SQuished, I think the answers here cannot be more clear. If you don't call the police and get him out, you are going to regret for a long time. As for health insurance, I cannot answer, but if you are in UK, surely the NHS should look after your daughter if there's no private insurance. Or are you elsewhere?

madonnawhore · 23/08/2010 15:51

Actually, what you asked us was 'How should I have handled this?' and our collective answer to you is: "By taking your daughter and running a million miles in the opposite direction and not looking back."

wouldliketoknow · 23/08/2010 15:59

i think you should ring the police or at least a women wellbeing charity, i noticed a sentence he forced your legs open with his knee to get closer, ...

and i will say what everyone else

this is not normal
this is not your fault
you are the victim here

greenscarf · 23/08/2010 16:07

Can we not report this to the police? All of us who have read this post are now aware of a situation of child abuse which needs immediate action.

Has it not become our responsability to protect this child too?

This is an honest question. I am not trying to overstep her duties as a mother but it is well known that victims of abuse, such as her, often find it impossible to get away from the person who is abusing them.

I am very sorry that OP is going through something so horrible and I hope that things will change for her, with all my heart.

FluffyCut · 23/08/2010 16:12

greenscarf - i don't know, have been wondering the same myself.

Its horrible knowing that a child is being sexually abused (because she is) and not being able to do anything about it.