How should I have handled this?

[Squished]

This looks terrible written down in black and white. It wasn't as clear and obvious this morning. I wonder if I'm misinterpreting or misreading somehow. I need some perspective, although the way I've written it, I'm not sure what other perspective there could be.

This morning, DH brought DD upstairs into our bed as he and she were both awake before me. He gave her a sticker book to play with, and then sat back down at his computer. After a while, he decided it was time I got up (I was awake, but I still had my eyes closed, it wasn't that late, about 8 I think). So he told me that DD's feed was about to run out (she's on a supplemental feed through a gastrostomy atm) and I should go and get some more ready. I didn't move straight away so he said to DD, "I'll give mummy a cuddle, that'll make her get up". He lay down on top of me and basically started touching me and getting himself off. I asked him twice to stop and he ignored me, pushed his knee between my legs to get closer. I asked him to let me up and he said "DD isn't even looking". Obviously, at the sound of her name, she did look, and he told her (in a jokey way) to look away.

None of this was said nastily. He was smiling and acting normally. I didn't raise my voice or physically try to fight him off because of DD. I even wonder if that might be one reason why he brought her upstairs - because he knew I wouldn't fight in front of her? I've let her down so much. Between us, DH and I have basically taught her that no doesn't really mean no, stop means keep going.

This isn't normal, is it? Or am I overreacting?

He's been acting totally normal all day. I've been feeling more and more crappy as the day has gone on. I didn't even open my eyes this morning. I might as well have been a blow up doll.

What should I have have done to protect DD?

I'm not sure when I will be able to reply (it's taken me all day to write this), but I will be back when I can.

Let's see what squish says she is going to do first, greenscarf.

Squished how tough and horrible to feel trapped by your DD's healthcare needs. You must feel so divided in your needs to protect her.

But as the others say this is not normal and is very controlling. I've read your other thread - you know this isn't right and that you need to get out. Is there not someone you can talk to to help you. I'm sure there must be. PLease sort this out soon - don't let it slide as wo knows where this will end if you do.
Good luck.

greenscarf we know nothing about OP, where she lives, her name or anything. what would we report? that someone somewhere is being abused?

We know that IP addresses can be tracked, and that the police has the jurisdiction to do so if they suspect something like this is going on.

booyhoo - mn should have some details surely.

Anyway - squished - your daughter will still be a dependent under the policy whether you live with him or not, until she is either 16 or 18 depending on the policy. If its worrying you ring up the company (you dont need the paperwork) and ask them that as a general question.

sorry that post comes across as sarcastic bt i didn't mean it to be. i genuinely wanted to know what we could report.

oops xpost

That's fine! My reply was geniuine too (avoiding smiley face as not suitable for situation).

Okay, will try and answer specific questions.

Elephants, yes he has barged me in the past. I used to do martial arts before we were married and he liked to "playfight" with me to show me that what I was being taught didn't work. The times that I "won", he got angry and said it simply showed that I was being shown techniques but not how to control them. Utter crap, but he couldn't see it any other way. I've started training again recently, and he tried the same trick. This time it was in front of the DDs and I didn't want them to see it end up as it had before, so I didn't fight back or give him any reason to escalate it. I ended up with a bruise on my hip bigger and more painful than any I've had from training.

Mumi, I'm so sorry that you went through that. What does your DS say that makes you think he remembers?

Mouseface, I'm not sure how to get hold of a copy of the policy, I've never seen it. Looking at the insurance company's website, I need a reference number to be able to contact them.

DD has cancer. ATM she is being treated on the NHS, but treatment options are quite limited in this country. I have no idea what will happen when the current lot of treatment comes to an end. There are experimental drugs in the US and also in DH's home country but they cost hundreds of thousands of pounds.

I love the way we are eschewing smiley faces as a mark of seriousness.

Still there OP?

it would be better if squised report it herself, maybe one of us could support her in person if we knew where she was.

squised darling, you have to report this, by now, the penny must have drop...

squished you don't need a reference number, you can phone them up and ask them a general question eg 'under your policies do dependents cease to be dependent if their parents are divorced and they live with the parent who is not the policyholder' or you could just tell them your husbands name and company name they'd be able to look that policy up specifically, may not help though due to data protection but they can answer the general question.

squished what are you going to do? you don't seem to be taking in what we are saying re the criminal offence and your daughter.

x-post. Sorry about your DD being so ill. Can't you get a look at the policy? You can get a charitable appeal going to raise money for this kind of thing if not, I'm sure MN would rally round.

Did you post before about the martial arts? Or was that another poster in a similar situation? Have you still got the bruise? If so, photograph it now and go to the doctor for evidence.

"he liked to "playfight" with me to show me that what I was being taught didn't work" - do you hear how creepy that is? he was determined to show you that you were defenceless. and now he is reaping the "benefits" in the form of your inability to fight back.

What are you thinking of doing?

me too saF. Mine were nice things like going to the beach and playing with my brother though. :(

me too saf, me too

I agree that it would be better if squished reported it herself, I would also be very proud of her.

I am so so sorry to hear about your daughter's cancer. I really hope she gets better soon.

You can do it squished and we are here to support you!

Swallowed, it's a good question. Not one I know the answer to unfortunately, but Childline and the Samaritans must face similar dilemmas all the time. I know Childline will only call the police if they suspect the child is in immediate life-threatening danger, otherwise they have to respect the caller's anonymity.

On a forum we're all choosing to be anonymous by using aliases. Ought we to respect that if the OP isn't in immediate life-threatening danger, or should we feel a duty to report a crime we know has been committed?

At this stage, I'm inclined to err on the side of respecting the OP's anonymity. Give her a chance to decide on her own course of action before getting involved.

Also, this might sound counter-intuitive but MN needs to remain a safe place for people to talk about their situations without fear that there are going to be recriminations out of their control iyswim. People should feel able to post here about abuse they're suffering or whatever, without worrying that their privacy is going to be invaded.

Sorry, took me ages to write that last post.

Greenscarf, please don't do that.

If it gets as far as police involvement, then I will have to be strong enough to deal with that, but initially, I want to try and deal with this with as little upset and disruption for my DDs as possible.

Yes, I know other posters have been scared off by "i'm reporting you to SS" type posts. In this case it's different - OP isn't saying "oh nooo you're all wrong, he's lovely really"

Then I would be even more worried.