All Aboard The Brave Babes Battle Bus!

[Mouseface]

Hello, welcome to thread five!!

I'm Mouse and I'm 10 whole days sober which is bloody amazing given that I would normally consume nearly 90 units per week! And that's without 'special occasions'!!

So, if I can do it, you can do it! The support here is awesome, no matter where you are in your quest to quit. No judging, no cliquey groups.

We are just real, honest people. All helping each other to give up the booze. Come meet the other Brave Babes........................

And for those who would like to read the adventures so far, here are the links from the first four threads!

JWN's original thread (the reason we are all here)

Thread two

Thread three

Thread four

Have a good night's rest. You should be very proud of what you have achieved today.

Night.

Right. Off here too.

Be brave Babes!

Night xx

just back from forest, lovely performance!, i am off very early in the morning so - i will say, good luck, everyone have a really good day and remember

WE WILL NOT BE DRINKING!!!

see you all sunday morning!!

BE GOOD!!!

Hello everyone. God everything here is so crap. DH is seriously depressed and it is awful.

I drank last night too which has obviously made it worse. I just want to run away.

I am so angry that so many things keep going wrong. DH being so depressed is making it worse. He has suicidal thoughts. He just lies on the bed or walks around grumpy. If I say anything or suggest anything he takes it as a criticism. HE tried to make light of it last night and then we had a row because I'm just under so much pressure trying to hold everything together. We never ever row, I mean we do but very very seldom, maybe once a year. However he seems to hate me and himself. He finds fault in everything I say or do and is so defensive. If I don't respond in the correct way to him then I feel I am doing something wrong. I am so worried about our relationship. I don't know what will make it better. It was going well but us being couped up at home, DH still not working, me not getting a job yet, serious serious money ishoos, DD2 at that stage where she is crawling into everything and DD1 picking up on the bad moods so behaving terribly.

I want to run away. I know that it would help an enormous amount if I stopped drinking again. Help me not drink today.

Just caught up on posts, hello everyone, sorry for jumping in with selfish misery

JWN have a lovely day

Welcome MsGee

Hi Christiana. Sorry you are having such a difficult time. Has your DH been to his GP as he does sound horribly depressed. Perhaps you should consider it too if you have not already. It's always difficult when it's one thing on top of another. But perhaps trying to tackle one issue at a time may help - easier said that done and apologies if I am being patronising. What about trying to get the kids out of the house for a while? Mine always play up when indoors all day and they do seem to behave better - or at least the noise they make is lost a bit - outdoors. Are you able to fit in any time for you alone? I think I am right that you said that you coldn't exercise at the moment. What about walking or swimming perhaps? From what you say, it doesn't seem that you are part of DH's issue. More a case of hitting out perhaps at those are closest which is our tendancy to do. You can work through this and when you do you will be even stronger. Re the drink, I know it's hard when everything else seems to be going wrong, but this is one area you can control. You will feel better physically and mentally for not drinking as you know. But also, you'll be bringing some area back within your control which you can be proud of, particularly if there are other elements which aren't within your control at the moment. I really do hope things start coming soon together for you and your family - and they will. Easy to say, but try and look at the positives. xx

Looking Thank you. He's on double dose of Prozac, but last doc was very unsympathetic, said it was normal to feel like this after being made redundant! His normal doc is back next week so perhaps he'll see her

Good ideas here. I do take the girls out. Might try swim later or go for a walk.

I am also decluttering to help me feel better.

What shall I do with him though? Try to talk? Leave him alone? We aren't even touching or kissing. Like living with a grumpy flatmate who makes a mess and saps the life force. Sorry.

Hi He should definitely go back to the doctors. I don't know how long it takes for the prozac to kick in fully, but it may be that he's not yet getting the full effect. I too will be decluttering today - or rather getting down on hand and knees and scrubbing as house is looking decidedly grubby! If it were me, I would try and give him some space for a while and somehow try and re inforce how loved and needed he is. It's a real concern though that he is having suicidal thoughts - perhaps an organisation like the samaritans or similiar could provide you with some support or guidance. I am only talking though from my own experience and everyone's different. My DH isn't the most forthcoming at any time, but I think he'd see it as additional pressure/nagging if I attempted to talk things through when he was in a negative/confrontational frame of mind. It's horses for courses though I am sure and you'll know best as far as your DH is concerned. It's more pressure on you though and must be incredibly frustrating as you are going through it too but are having to consider everyone's needs and wants. You are doing really well. Adopting the mantra which is repeated here of a day at a time or an hour at a time, may also help with the other issues, not just the alcohol. Also, try and look after yourself as best as you can as you are the thread holding this together and so you need to be as strong as you can be x

Christi

Firstly, I am so sorry that you are struggling so much with life at the moment.

Secondly, I'm going to be very harsh, feel free to ignore me or tell me to bugger off.

Stop drinking. Just stop it. You have no control over your life when you drink. Or your emotions or the decisions that you make. Drink controls you and the day after you drink, you feel so much worse, life is so much harder, the sky is so much darker.......

Go and read some of the posts you have typed out when sober. Those few days in between your drinking bouts. You are using your drinking to bury your head in the sand, to soften the blow, to ease the pain. Except we all know that it does none of those things does it? Drinking magnifies any problems by thousands. Yet you keep going back there. Why?

Stop drinking. Take control. DH will get better. It's not your 'job' to make him better or to change his mindset. Focus on yourself. Be selfish and help yourself. Stop drinking. If you want to.

Do you want to stop?

Really?

Take control. Change small things. A day at a time. There is no magical door to 'Happyville' at the bottom of a bottle and the last time I looked, wine didn't come with a free magic wand.

Stop drinking.

Leave DH to get on with it. You can't help him. He has to help himself. Try to ignore his mood swings, (easy for me to say) go about your day.... tell him you love him, kiss him hello and goodbye, 'keep calm and carry on.' Just let him be.

And do it sober.

If one of the DCs behaved like that, you'd ignore them right? You wouldn't feed the beast would you?

I also agree with looking with regard to you being depressed. Go and see you GP and be honest. Utterly honest. Tell them the truth about your drinking and the pressure you are under. If you gloss over your drinking, you are only fooling yourself in the long run. Again, you know this.

Stop drinking.

Please. For yourself. The rest will fall into place once you are in control. Life will only get better if you stop drinking.

OK. I think it's driving me mad that he doesn't listen to me. So he eventually got up at 10am, I said that would he like to take teh girls out while I tidy and cook lunch, they have only just left despite me saying that DD2 will need to be back for nap at 1pm, so it will all fall apart, I know it. Despite me having taken food out of freezer, and explaining what we are having for lunch, he has just asked if I want him to take them to IKEA for lunch?

My anxiety is bad again now. Listen to me I sound like a nagging horrible thing it's just he asks me what he should do, I tell him but then it makes no impact! He's behaving like a child. He went out twice last week to see friends (I encouraged him too) so we've had plenty of time apart. Which I thought would help. He is just a different person that the man I married now. I know our friend's death and the redundancy have hit him hard, I am trying to arrange free or low cost counselling. I really hope it helps.

He's been on double dose prozac for few months now.

Must go and do some cleaning. Sorry for moaning here, it's probably not the right place. I think I will struggle not to drink today but as you say, one hour at a time.

how are you doing?

mouse thank you, you are completely right. Thank you. I'm going to take control, one day at a time. I am on ADs too to control depression and anxiety and you are right that the drinking makes it so much worse. It's just a useless crutch. I am so stupid. I know this.

These are really wise words. Thank you.

Hi The counselling sounds like a good idea. Your DH does seem lost at the moment, but mouse is right that you have to focus on you. If you keep busy and don't drink today, you will be a whole lot more positive and equipped for tomorrow. I'm fine - although I've not posted much, I read the posts each day and it helps keep me on track. I honestly think i would still be drinking if i hadnt stumbled accross this thread. Just coming up for 3 weeks so i wont get ahead of myself and will concentrate on today! Will be thinking of you and hope you have a good and sober day Xx

mouse your words have really hit home. Just sat down and had a serious think. Thank you. You're up there with MIFLAW!

looking

Well done for getting this far! 3 weeks is brilliant!

Christi

You know that you shouldn't be drinking on ADs. So, does your GP know?

What is going to stop you drinking today? Are you going to say 'fuck it, I can't do this, I need a drink'?

Or are you going to say 'fuck it, the booze is destroying who I am, who I want to be and I'm not doing it anymore'?

It's a simple as that. It's YOUR choice.

My word, strong words there mouse, I'm trying, today is day one, be gentle!

Sorry, I'm that way out today.

Here, have a hug too. ((( )))

Thanks!

Feeling much better, got nice lunch in the oven.

Good.

What's for lunch then? I need to eat dust as I have managed to gain a whole five pounds on holiday. I'm utterly fecked off about it.

Pha!

Hi everyone,

Christiana, sorry to hear that you have had such a horrible time. I hope that your DH gets the help he needs - perhaps Prozac just isn't working for him? I think with Prozac you should see a difference within a few weeks. I know from experience as well that drinking and depression don't mix well - or rather they mix all too easily and make everything much worse.

All ok here, good morning but now feeling slightly grumpy and headachey. I am finding that it gives a different perspective on the day not thinking "oooh after bedtime I can have a drink". Not sure how but taking out that focal point means i can focus on the day more if that makes sense?

Told DH that I am not drinking just for now, he agrees its for the best. In the past he has always said that I should just have one and learn to stop there but I think he realises that this is the only way it will work for me.

I know DH prefers me not drinking and that alcohol has been the cause of many arguments in the past (mainly pre DD, I drank a lot more when I worked in London but somehow it seemed to have less impact - or rather I found more reasons to justify it). I keep thinking about the horrible things I have done whilst drinking. Thinking about things I haven't remembered for years.

Anyhoo, plan for the rest of the day is to work. DD is napping, then DH is taking her out later on, then we have a nice evening planned. Good meal, another crap book and some proof reading.

I did wonder how I could enjoy a good meal without wine and then I did re-read MIFLAW's post and realised that it was pretty straightforward really. Plus, I am too stubborn to fail on day 2. So today, I am not going to have a drink.

Hello MsGee

Glad my post to Christi hasn't scared you off!!!

I found the first few days bloody hard, for sure. Then, like me, you may find you feel ok, in control, so why not have a glass of wine? You can go back to being a social drinker. Why not?

Sure, go for it. Just a glass or two mind..........

Trust me when I tell you that even if you manage just the one or two glasses that night, the next will be three, the next four, five, a bottle, etc.......

So. Be prepared to 'feel' in control. You won't be but you'll think that you are.

Sneaky, that old beast the booze!!!

You sound positive though. Planning your day away from alcohol is a good thing too. Instead of planning your day up to drink o'clock.

Keep going. Small steps.

Thanks Mouseface, nah, I am not easily scared. Of course, I'm only on day 2!!

Your post makes perfect sense that is pretty much what has happened in the past with me. Then I can be back on a bottle a night, much more on nights out - vomiting in my sleep, making Very Bad Decisions and a whole world of other nasty things I have done in the past ahem, 15-20 years of over drinking. I know that my drinking nowadays is tame in comparison to when i was younger but I think that that is partly because of the fact that I am at home 90% of the time, so have just reduced the opportunities for many acts of stupidity.

I know that control is a big issue for me. Drinking has always been a way of letting go of the control but justifying it in that as it was my decision I was really in control ... Hmmn, sounds daft even as I write it down.

Sorry for rambling - this thread is making me think a lot.

Ramble away. That is what this thread is for.

Put your thoughts and feelings down in black and white, then read them back.

My earlier posts are by a person I no longer know.

I had become someone I didn't like very much. My priorities were all wrong.

My life revolved around drink o'clock. Each and every day. I'd never offer to drive to an event, the cinema, out to dinner, dear God no! Not drink? Are you mad?

I have missed hours, days, weeeks and months of my children growing and changing, of my husband loving me, of my life just because I wanted to drink.

Now I want my life back. And it sounds as though you do too.

I think that is what I am scared of the most - missing out on my daughters life because of drinking. I hate myself for putting her in childcare extra time, just because I can't keep up with work. And if I hadn't drunk a lot this week I would have.

I pride myself on putting her first but I kid myself that drinking is after she is in bed so has no impact on her. But it does.

My DH is an amazing man and has stuck by my side through our many ups and downs and always believes in me. He is so supportive and worries about me being stressed about work all the time but I know that its not fair. I would be on top of work if I wasn't feeling groggy or actually used the evenings to catch up.

I know this sounds like work is a problem but its not really. Its more the thought of losing that day with my daughter that is difficult. I know she would rather be home with me on the normal days, so putting her through an extra day of childcare - after she has had a rough couple of weeks there - its really tough. I feel so guilty about it.

Feeling guilty is natural low.

Doing something about it is a natural high.

And that's what you are doing.

YOU are taking control.

YOU are changing your life and therefore your daughter's and husband's too.

For the better.

The guilt will pass but the new satisfaction that you will feel from making different decisions will grow.