Fab & Glam 11 - A New Chapter

[Tanee58]

I figure that the reason I haven't been able to post all day, is because we've run out of thread - again!! Hope you all find this, my fellow Teabags. Are contenders for the longest-running MN thread?

Anyhoo, TFM, I have a tent, and an inflatable mattress. And I quite fancy a trip oop north!

Ah thanks TFM

Funny thing is, I've been on a date pretty much every week for the past month or two!! And even more, it has made me realise that I'm not yet ready for anything. Luckily (if that's the right way to look at it!), the guy really wasn't for me, and although he was great in so many ways, I couldn't see myself with him longer term. This was a relief though, because as he got more and more keen, I backed off! I was so worried that I would get into something I couldn't really put my heart into, when I am aware that my head is still waaaay too focussed on my ex and getting through my divorce. And that seemed so horrendously unfair on such a nice person.

So I have resolved that I shouldn't go on any more dates until the divorce is through. Does that seem mad though?! I always thought a distraction, meeting nice (genuine) people, would help me to move on. But between work, the boys, and my endless thoughts and emotions over my divorce, I feel like I have nothing left in me to give anyone else. And pretending otherwise would be really unfair...

God what a mess I am!!
I'm even struggling to articulate myself at the moment.

I'm ok though. Just letting it out a bit on here. I know what I need to do. One day at a time and all that

LOL! You are doing just fine!

I think what you should do is just chill, take one day at a time, go with the flow and whatever the day brings. If a nice man asks you out and you want to go then go, if you don't then, well, don't! Just see how you feel at the time. Don't set anything in stone. You can't really do anything about the divorce apart from wait for that final bit of paper to come through that says you are now single. I know it's going to be a very sad time for you though, I understand totally what you are going through and my heart goes out to you BUT, don't let what he has done to you spoil your future, only let it change you for the better. It takes some work on yourself but it can be done. I am actually really liking myself now, more than I ever have and I am certainly liking my new life. I am in no way going to let HWSNBM spoil my future!! And remember, if you don't feel it, then fake it until you do feel it! xx

I will do my best! Thanks TFM xx

Baffy. Give yourself time sweetie. He was a big part of your life for a long time and with 2 little ones to look after and a full time job its no wonder you feel there's nothing else to give.

TFM is right about love and hate being similar feelings. It took me a good 3 years before I stopped feeling anything for my ex (the boys dad!) and now I look at him and wonder why I ever did in the first place.
I have spent all weekend clearing the last of XPs stuff from my house and it felt sooo good. Now all my wardrobe is mine, all the shelves in the bathroom are mine and I feel amazing.
I had my friends round today for a big Sunday roast, something I could never have done before, as he hated them all and used to make them feel uncomfortable if they ever came round.

I do still have the odd wobble and wonder if I am doing the right thing, but deep down I know I am.

Well done Ginny that's great You are doing so well and seem really happy. As for the wobble, well what can I say except I think they are all part and parcel of things too. I still have little wobbles and I am now 6 months down the line (today!) Personally, I am finding it hard to understand why I sometimes feel I miss a man who treated me so badly and brought nothing positive or pleasant into my life That must say more about me than him because there really was nothing to miss!

Gosh look at you three strong women (TFM, Ginnny and Baffy) And it's a strength rather than a weakness to admit that you feel sad and lonely at times. Even in a relationship you can feel those things - especially one that's not working.
TFM - he is still trying to control you by eliciting some kind of emotional response in you. Don't give him the satisfaction - pretend you don't give a shit. In your own words.........fake it Eventually you'll feel nothing.
Ginnny - must be so nice to have your friends over without fear of ex making them feel uncomfortable I didn't realise he did that
Baffy - I get what you mean about dating. But I don't think you are being unfair to other men you date if you spell out that you're not up for anything serious cos you are going through a divorce. In fact, I think they'd respect that. On the other hand, if you're not enjoying the dates maybe you need more time to get your self together. In your shoes I'd be very angry with h as well. He has betrayed you over and over again.........but you do realise this isn't about you...? It sounds as though he has low self-esteem and a weakly formed sense of identity with an external locus of control aka he drifts along in life relying on external events or other people to shape what he does rather than actively shaping his own destiny. And frankly you deserve much better than that. Like Dior (and everyone else on here) you deserve to be cherished.

TFM is totally right, Baffy (is she ever not?). You can't go setting hard and fast rules for yourself at a time like this. Concentrate on what you have to do, the divorce, job, day-to-day DC-raising stuff. That's what you need to do. As for anything else, just do what you want to do and have the energy for. Not everything has to be a duty or fit into The Plan.

OMG! Alarm man has just been. I'm having a hot flush! He is still gorgeous!! I'm obviously not as dead inside as I thought I was!!

Go you!

LOL! I'm all talk!

He is very nice though, and probably married! Ahhh well, at least my alarm has had a service

Glad to see the alarm man's diy skills are better than the council man's Although you're probably not are you TFM

LOL! Actually I've gone off council man. He has said (text) a few things that have come up as red flags to me. One of them being that he, and I quote "only ever hit 2, ok 3 women in my life, the first two were an accident and the third admitted she deliberately wound me up to see how far she could push me" He reckons this was about 30 years ago and considering he is 49 and was married at 18 this means he hit his wife. And this is while he was texting his low opinion of men who hit women, says he doesn't understand them. I think I had a lucky escape there! Phew!

I wonder if there really are any decent men out there!

Alarm man has the most gorgeous twinkly eyes. I'm going to dream about him tonight

TFM. What a thing to say! Lucky you found that out early on.
Sometimes I despair of the opposite sex. My friend has just met a (seemingly) lovely guy on Plenty of Fish, had quite a few dates, really got on well, slept with him for the first time this weekend... now he's gone completely cold on her and he's on there looking for his next vicim conquest.
I'm staying very single for a very long time.

What a bastard that bloke is Ginnny Shame we don't have bastard radar isn't it.

TFM - I meant that you probably wish the alarm man's diy skills aren't quite so good so that he has to come back and fix the alarm again! Council man = lucky escape. What a twunt.

Only ever hit three women, and one of those wound him up, ok... Run away, run away!

And I'm intrigued how you can hit someone by accident.........TWICE!

Ahhh I get you know LadyLush and you are so right! He was the star of my dreams last night!

Don't worry Annie, I'm running! The first red flag was that he has nothing good to say about his ex partner. She dumped him for reasons known only to her, he says she refuses to talk to him about it so he doesn't know what happened. I find that very hard to believe. He actually speaks very bitterly of her but yet he pops round there to fix things whenever she asks. And I will admit there are little things about him that remind me of my ex.

I too am intrigued as to how you hit a woman by accident. He does practice Karate so that is the only reasonable explanation I can think of. I couldn't bring myself to ask him because I was rather scared of hearing the answer tbh.

Accidentally once you could maybe let go, accidentally twice - well maybe the martial arts thing but because she pushed him into it ... PSYCHO ALERT!!!
RUN TFM, RUN!

I'd have more respect for someone who admitted he used to have anger issues and felt bad about it than someone who wouldn't take responsibility for it.

I'm out of breath from running Ginny!

I totally agree with you about having more respect for someone who admitted to anger issues. That's one of the things I spoke about with the CAFCASS officer. She said that if HWSNBM admitted he had been abusive then we had a good idea that he was sorry and ready to change, it he denied it then he had no intention of changing and wasn't in the least bit sorry for what he had done. He denied it.

Ooh lucky escape TFM! Phew!

I think looking, at this stage, is far more preferable than anything else anyway!!

Ginny thanks for the support. I totally agree. I too wobble sometimes, but the little things like loving having all of the wardrobe space back, and bathroom space, and enjoying it, are brilliant

And what a shit that bloke sounds, sadly, I've heard that a few times lately about Plenty of Fish. But I think regardless of where you meet someone that's always a risk. On the other hand, a good friend of mine met a really really nice bloke on there and he genuinely does seem like a good person. So there is hope

Annie thanks - I agree, one day at a time and just doing what I need to do. Good advice about anything else being as and when I want it too, seems simple written down but easy to forget that in the midst of what I 'should' or 'shouldn't' be doing according to everyone else in my life!!

Lush what a great post. Thank you. When you said 'it sounds as though he has low self-esteem and a weakly formed sense of identity with an external locus of control aka he drifts along in life relying on external events or other people to shape what he does rather than actively shaping his own destiny' I think you are absolutely spot on. That's really made me think. And has made me feel a lot better. Yes, I do deserve much more thanks!

sorry haven't been around for awhile. Home laptop hopeless, and work internet's been dodgy since we changed servers on Monday. So the world has ground to a halt here, but we've had lots of chats in the office .

TFM - wow, lucky escape there! Interesting what your counsellor said about admitting abuse. DP told me very early on that he'd had a violent incident with his ex - which drove him to his first (and only) attempt at therapy. He felt really bad about it and I have to say that, with all our problems, I have never felt in physical danger. That said, I know he harbours a lot of anger which he's projecting onto me/DD (recently accused me of 'controlling his life' by hiding the coathangers - but then admitted he was being a twunt about a silly coathanger). I said to him, well, it's not just about coathangers, is it.

As it's his day off today, I left him a note and some things to mull over: a valuation and brochure from the estate agent, the phone number to contact for his CBT appointment, a Dummies' Guide to CBT and a note asking him to glance over them, make that phonecall if he wants to, or decide whether he really wants to sell and split up (his behaviour just recently seems again, to indicate that he doesn't really see us splitting up, despite the coathanger eruption). I told him that I'm not trying to control his life, that whatever we do will be hard, but we can either do it together, or apart, the choice is his - but SOMETHING has to be done.

If he doesn't make that call, I'll have to tell him ok, we're putting the house on the market. End of.

How did it go Tannee? Did he read through all the stuff you left him? Any progress?
Ex DP has hit the self destruct button again. I knew it would happen. He's been on a major bender, had a go at my friends 18 year old dd and her friends in the street, threatened my other friend and is generally being abusive to everybody he knows. I'm well out of it, I know, but its still so hard to watch him get more and more delusional and out of control. I feel embarrassed for him and don't know where on earth he'll end up. I also feel a bit responsible - I know I'm not but he's directing all his anger for me at my friends. He thinks they have split us up. He just won't see that its him and his controlling jealous behaviour that is to blame.
Oh well - what will be will be I suppose

Hi girls. I have been away to Devon for a week, which was nice. As I was packing the toiletries, I saw that h had included condoms - I got a real sinking feeling . I was tempted to leave them and pretend that I hadn't seen them...

He said a couple of things about 'you want my body' e.g. when I bought him some local beer to take back to the flat. I just replied in a non-committal way, you know, ' yes, of course'

At first, I didn't think that I could manage a week feeling like I did. But, we settled into a nice pattern of behaviour and I managed to forget all the dread. I did avoid situations where sex could have happened though. We were happier as a sort of couple and got on. I am just dreading that sex conversation. He has already noticed that I don't want him cuddling me .

Anyway, enough about me!

Tanee - how are things?

Baffy - you little minx you - see, you won't ever be alone. What happened to the girl (H) who had 'his' baby? Is she still with the guy she got together with? Does she still see your h?

TFM - RUN AWAY! You know this is not a good person to even acknowledge. No-one hits someone by accident.

Hi Dior, glad you had a good hols - despite the condom threat! Difficult. Feel a bit sorry for your DH but honestly, he can't expect to have his conjugal rights now, when he rejected the more voluptuous you. It's so superficial and you're deeper than that . What do you think you'll do? Will you talk about this or just let it ride and hope he'll get the message?

Ginnny, . Well, what can one say? I know how you must feel, and you also know the mantra 'I did not cause it...etc'. As you say, he's projecting onto your friends and that's HIS problem, not yours. Hard though, to deal with the distorted thinking.

TFM, how are you? Has Council Man got the message?

Well, DP read my note, at least, and the hospital rang him. They assessed him over the phone, and decided that CBT wouldn't be appropriate until he's addressed the alcohol issue. I can see the point, after all, it affects his thinking and would counteract any therapy. So they've sent him some info on the local alcolhol treatment service, for him to self-refer - he hasn't opened it yet. In the meantime he's still being nice and we're going for a walk and picnic this afternoon - which we haven't done for months. Might be the opportune time to ask him whether he's prepared to seriously try working on the drinking -as without that, I don't think we stand a chance. His behaviour recently seems to show that he doesn't really want to lose me - and if that is the case, he needs to choose between me and his 'mistress'. Interesting times...

By the way, if you don't hear from me for days, it's because I'm on DD's laptop at my mum's - mine is next to useless and I've got a week off work. Hope you're all having a good bank hols. Need to go socialise now before heading off for our walk/talk.

Good luck Tannee. He'd be a fool to lose you. Hopefully he'll do something about the drinking before its too late.
Dior, what do you think you will do now. Can you stay in a marriage where you don't want sex/intimacy? Nobody would blame you for walking away now. As TFM always says life is too short...
I haven't heard a thing from xp for days now, which is unusual. I'm making the most of it while it lasts.
My Asda shopping arrived this morning and the delivery driver wad gorgeous. He called me darling and I went quite giddy. Definitely moving on ....