Fab & Glam 11 - A New Chapter

[Tanee58]

I figure that the reason I haven't been able to post all day, is because we've run out of thread - again!! Hope you all find this, my fellow Teabags. Are contenders for the longest-running MN thread?

Anyhoo, TFM, I have a tent, and an inflatable mattress. And I quite fancy a trip oop north!

TFM - problem is that he is not horrible enough for long enough for me to do anything about it. The nice times outweigh the bad ones, but the bad ones are horrible. I have sent him an email as I can't talk to him without it becoming a huge argument.

Sweetheart, he doesn't have to be nasty enough for you to leave the relationship. You are unhappy, that is enough reason. People are allowed to leave relationships for reasons other than abuse or affairs and in some cases if people did this in the first place the abuse or the affair may not happen. You don't need him to give you a reason to leave, you can leave because you are unable to live with him, because you want to be happy, you deserve to be happy!!

Do you love him? Do you love him enough to sacrifice your own happiness for the rest of your life?

We had a discussion today, where I told him that I wasn't happy with my life at the moment. I told him that it was not just him; ds is too cheeky and needs to show both of us more respect, H is too authoritative and needs to change the tone in his voice, and I need to try to be less tired and irritable.

I told him that things needed to change or we would be back to where we were a few years ago. I asked him to meet me for lunch on Wednesday as ds is out all day and I have an appointment until 1pm (h is off all week). I said that we need to have more time together, away from ds, to see if we still have something there between us. If we do then we know that it is just ds' phase that is making us so stressed. If not, then we would need to think about what to do.

I said that I was not happy at all at the moment and he realised the implications in what I was saying. He did take it on board too, so I will keep you posted.

Tanee - how are things with you?

That's great. At least you are communicating and that's half the battle. I'm pleased he took on board what you were saying and you know, it's also good that you want to spend time with him without DS! You must like him

Tanee, am so pleased you're taking control and sorting out your options. He's left you with absolutely no other choice and I am so proud of how strong you sound and how well you're doing.

Dior you absolutely have every right to feel loved and cherished. It's good that you talked to him, I really hope he takes it on board.
I think with my H, all I ever wanted was for him to love and cherish me, and I stuck around because we got on so well and I loved him so much. But something had gone. I can't describe it, but that desire (from him) just wasn't there anymore. And sadly, I had to realise that if he felt that way about me he would show it. Without being prompted or asked.

I think its a great idea to get some time to yourselves, away from all the stresses of every day life, to work out whether that spark is still there for you as a couple.
He no longer has the weight excuse. So despite all the good stuff, you need to work out if he's ever going to make you feel like you should, like you deserve, and if not, can you accept that for the rest of your life?

TFM you sound like you're doing well
Not surprised you're a bit anxious, but just enjoy the attention and the flirting for now. Plenty of time to see where things could go in the future...

Sandsad welcome
I will have a read of your thread. Yes you're right, we've all been through the mill quite a lot, some of us with happier endings than others, lots of ups and downs on the way too! But the support here has been amazing. I think most of us 'met' about 3 years ago now, I had a few early threads about my H's affair (I was under the name mylittlestar initially) and then because there were so many of us with so many similar threads, it all got a bit confusing, and we started off the 'fab and glam' ones for some moral support all in the same place Most of us have dipped in and out at one time or another for various reasons, but it's good to know that everyone is always there when you need them

SandSad I've just read your thread, am so sorry for what you're going through

Sadly, especially with the porn thing whilst you're in bits upstairs trying to rest, just shows that he doesn't yet seem ready to change. Despite what he continues to put you through he just carries on regardless.

I think he will first need to accept that it's his behaviour that is wrong. I really don't think he has yet.

Blaming you for snooping?!

You sound like an amazing wife and mother, who did a wonderful thing in giving him the benefit of the doubt and the chance to be part of a loving happy family. And he fucks it up again and still can't take responsibility for it!!

I really hope that you stay as strong as you sound and use all the support on here and your counselling. Fingers crossed in time he can actually make the counselling work and realise for himself what he needs to do. In the meantime, I think you're completely right to look forwards and leave him to it. He has a lot to prove, and if he can't prove it to you, then nothing you say or do would change him/this situation anyway Just focus on yourself and the children.

Stay strong x

Awhhh Baffy swore!!

TFM - It is not so much that I like him - I want to see whether I do or not IYKWIM. The only way to do that is to spend some time with him, away from ds. If we still get on then we know that we need to work on how things are with ds, i.e. make more time for us as a couple too. If not then we need to accept that it is no longer there and split, but amicably.

I am really unsure how I feel about him tbh.

SadSand - I have read your thread (well, your posts - I only had an hour spare ). I think he sounds like a leopard who will never change his spots. I respect you for trying to give him several chances and can totally understand why you have. It is hard to go that next step. Keep using the support on here and on your thread and eventually you will be strong enough to make that final decision.

Baffy - lovely to 'see' you x

Hi girls, glad to see you found the thread.

SandSad, welcome - I'll read your thread as soon as poss - having to get my MN fix at work most of the time, as home laptop is still hitnmiss. We're not really Fab and Glam, we're actually a group of hairy bikers (Givenchy/Dior is particularly hairy ). We've had a few meetups in London to compare beard length and I deffo think it's time we did an oop North meetup as we suspect TFM's beard is longer than most!

Well, my tent is still on offer and I have a spare one that DD takes to her festivals. Vintage Goodwood was VERY Fab & Glam - wow, took lots of photos of people in wonderful period outfits, particularly 1950s but a good sprinkling of everything from the last 90 years. Some good music, too, highlights were The Beat & Kid Creole. We had a fair bit of rain on Friday and Saturday, but that just gave me an excuse to shop. Lots of vintage clothing, mostly too expensive but fun to look at. Found a pair of 1980s Dolcis shoes for a silly sum, that I have an identical pair of at home. Bought a top hat for DD from off the head of a cute young man who charmed me totally, and got lots of smiles from Lonnie Donegan's son during his set - even DP commented that he seemed to take a fancy to me!

As for DP, well, it was quite like old times & reminded me of how good we can be together. We had a lovely relaxed time. I decided not to tell him I'd got the house valued or that a woman from the local hospital called to arrange his therapy appt (wonder if he'll call her back...?) I thought, let's just enjoy this three days of respite. It was like a parallel life with the 'old' DP and I realised how much I LIKE being with him in that mode and how I shall miss THAT DP if we do split up. Remains to be seen whether he feels the same. I'll be asking him that when I tell him what I've done re selling up. If he feels the same, he needs to show it by making that appointment and getting himself into therapy at least, even if he isn't ready to stop drinking yet. And if not, well at least I know that the house will sell well, and sell quickly. The agent was quite sure of that. She also said she was sure they could find me a nice period flat with a garden, if we decided to sell.

Dior, hope all goes well for you when you have your time out together with your H on Wednesday. This weekend reminded me of how important it is, to have time alone and away from the familiar drudgeries of home. Trouble is, one always has to return.

TFM, lol at you and the council man. Take it at your own pace (I know you will ) - the best thing about this, whatever happens, is that you know now that there ARE nice men out there, and when you're ready, they'll be waiting .

Me, I'm still fantasizing about Lonnie Donegan Jnr!

Good luck Wednesday Dior. I hope you get on OK and rediscover what you like about each other.
Tannee, its always good away from all the everyday crap. Its a shame we have to return to reality isn't it.
TFM - I knew it wouldn't be long before someone came along to whisk you off. You are too lovely to be on the shelf for long.

Nice to see you again Baffy - hope dss are OK and ds2 is sleeping better now.
Sandsad - sorry I haven't had time to read through your thread, but my boss has gone on holiday now so I will be able to MN at work so I'll have a good old nose look through it tomorrow!!!
I got asked out today . Not interested though, he's not my type at all and I'm not ready yet, but its nice to know i've still 'got it'

Gosh Ginnny - have you and dp separated? Did I miss that? Nice to be asked out even if he's not your type

Tanee - glad Vintage Goodwood was fun We were near there at the weekend (I think - is it near West Wittering?)I'm glad you and dp enjoyed being together.......but also glad it isn't stopping you from doing what you need to do in terms of your future.

Oh, Ginnny, are you and DP not DPs any more? I thought you were still together, though not living together. In any case, always good to feel attractive (I'm still dreaming of Peter Donegan! )

Lush, yes, despite him being much nicer atm, this interlude is not diverting me from purpose, tho as I admitted to a mutual friend last night, I will truly hate it if we split up. She's known him since they were 21, and she said he was so beautiful and so sweet then (they dated off and on), but it all went wrong when the abuse stuff came out about his father, just before I met him 22 years back. She said, that was when the drinking started to take off, and that when he last tried therapy, but he just couldn't face what he needed and still needs to face and deal with - that his father was a lousy, adulterous, incestuous abuser and that his mother was codependant and must have been aware on some level, of what was going on. Oh yes, they ** you up, your mum and dad, Big Time! His friend agreed that he has a huge anger inside, that he's turning on himself and projecting onto DD. She's hoping to meet up with him and see if she can reach him, but we both agreed that there may not be much hope left. He's depressed, he's an alcoholic & he ain't ready for help. And maybe, never will be, or certainly not as long as I'm around to support him. And I just hope that I never pass him when he's living on a park bench somewhere.

Anyhoo, am trying to keep positive and honestly don't feel too bad atm. I'm taking DD's Vintage top hat to her this evening, and booking some more days holiday in September. Sadly, no chance of affording Barcelona - which we would BOTH love - but am doing lots of little trips with her.

Yes we have split up I think. I haven't really said much on here as everytime I do that we end up getting back together and I feel like a prize mug .
His mind is so addled by all the years of drinking, he lies constantly, to the point where I think he actually believes his own lies now. He is insanely jealous of my friends and actually had a go at my best friend who i have known for 35 years for "taking me away from him!". All because we went out 2 weeks in a row!
It came to a head when he lied about something ds1 said to him, it just didn't ring true and he made it into a choice between him and ds, obviously it was a no brainer, I chose ds, he was furious and we have hardly spoken since.
I do still love him, I really do, and he can be soooo lovely but I can't go through any more of this until he gets help, which like your DP Tannee, is just not going to happen.
So now we are at stalemate, not talking unless we have to and usually ending in a row when we do.
I'm so much happier when he's not around and I'm concentrating on my boys and my friends and trying not to look back!
Sorry that was all a bit me me me wasn't it - but you did ask!!!

yes, I did ask, and I wanted to know. So sorry to hear but I absolutely understand. It's horrible when you realise that the drink is actually affecting their minds and bodies. Much healthier for YOU and your lovely boys, to be free of the stress. And don't feel like a prize mug - we're all mugs because we love these men - but we hate the disease and just keep hoping...

Ginnny - I thought you had announced your engagement on FB?

Well, h tried to grope me today () and tried to hold my hand in the cinema (Toy Story - sob). I really didn't want to know and that worries me .

Givenchy - Bloody facebook. I changed my status to single and he changed it back (another attempt to control me ). I've had people congratulating me all week, its so embarrassing.
Changed my password now so it is staying as single.
Thanks Tannee. The sad thing is I'd learnt to handle the drinking, its the other effects of the alcohol coming out now that I can't put up with.

Oh ginny am so sorry to hear that
What an absolute nightmare for you, I really hope that he will get some help but sadly, as it seems to be for most of us, that just doesn't seem like it's going to happen.
I hope you can enjoy the time with the children and not let the thoughts or sadness take over too much (easier said than done sometimes!) xx

As for my ds2, thanks for asking, - goes to bed now like a dream. Am so pleased how far he's come. Have to thank you guys for all of the advice on here, especially cashncarry as that really seemed to work for me
Anyway, he settles in his cot, alone, really well now But I am absolutely tearing my hair out this week as he's cutting his top two teeth (just literally broken through the gum today!) and he's been an absolute little monkey waking at least every hour ALL night for the last 5 days!!! I am like a zombie and can no longer even try to sleep because I know I'll be up in 5 minutes anyway so what's the point!! Hence working on my latest report until 10pm and now messing about on here when I should be asleep! Oh the joy of teething

Dior I hope you're ok xx

TFM - I can't pull tongues on here like I want to, but

Ginnny - . I'm so sorry. No wonder you are annoyed.

Ginnny, what a pain! Sounds like you're well out of it. Can't believe someone would try to control your FB status!

Dior, wonder if H has just left it too long now? Do you think you could regain the old magic? Something similar happened with my exH. He waited until we were splitting up, then talked about going to Relate, how we used to hold hands & kiss etc. Well, if he'd wanted to do that, he shouldn't have waited all those years before coming over all sad and sorrowful about the loss of intimacy.

Hello everyone

DD is out playing with her friends, as per usual these days! huh! and I'm bored. House is spotless, all done and dusted, free of muck and workmen and I'm missing them!!

Council man called again yesterday. I have one of those electricity monitor things from British Gas. He offered to set it up for me a couple of weeks ago but something seemed to be amiss with it so he couldn't do it, said he would call back. And so he did but it still wasn't doing as it should so he had to call back again. He called back yet again yesterday to have another go, third time lucky I thought but no, still not working. So off he goes saying he will have a look at his monitor and see what it is that he may be doing wrong. Meanwhile, my wonderful Son-in-law to be arrives, spots the monitor on the side, plugs it all in, fiddles with a couple of buttons and hey presto! It's working! In less than two minutes! Poor council man has now lost his excuse to keep calling in! LOL!! Bless him!

Hope everyone else is doing ok and managing to keep smiling despite all

TFM, he wants you... And now your SIL-to-be has gorn and spoilt his fun. Shame on him !

Yes, I'm smiling, but really tired. Don't think I've caught up with my sleep from the weekend.

'A' level results come out tomorrow. Keeping fingers X'd for DD. She has a place at Camberwell anyway - unless she fails dismally - but for her own satisfaction, still hopes for decent grades. Espec as her father puts a lot of pressure on her. Me, I'll be happy if she's happy. Sadly, the top hat was slightly too small for her, but she's keeping it anyway. What's happening with our kids? They're getting so big!

Awh I will keep my fingers crossed for DD too Tanee. I hope she gets the grades she has worked hard for. I'm pleased to hear you are still smiling too. I am very proud of you you know.

Yes, I think council man does want me. Still not so sure I want him though. I like him and I like the attention but not sure about anything else.

HWSNBM has just picked DD up. He totally blanks me now. Why does that bother me even in the slightest? It feels as though he has completely turned the tables and made himself the victim and me the bad guy. And I don't like it!! Twat Man!

Sorry to hear about you and dp Ginnny - though it is the best outcome if he refuses to change. And the controlling stuff sounds sinister.

Baffy - glad ds2 sleeps well now (teething excepted-understandably)

Tanee - fingers crossed for dd. I used to live quite close to that college (E Dulwich).

TFM - lol at your council man. If he asks you out maybe you could tell him you have reservations because of his poor diy skills

Off for our anniversary jaunt tomorrow. No kids but a bit as well. First night without dd.

LL I think that's great advice for TFM, see what he says to that

I'm sure you could think of a few more excuses reasons for him to keep popping round until you're a bit more sure one way or another

LL enjoy your night out, sounds fab!

Tanee, fingers crossed for dd xx