Male masturbation

[NinaJane]

I just need some insight please - perhaps some blokes can help shed some light on the subject for me.

I always thought that masturbation is a normal and healthy thing to do. Actually, I still think so.

Thing is, my dh wanted to get frisky with me the other night, but I was completely knackered and brushed him off. At the time, he did not seem upset about it, but the whole of the next day, he froze me out. I asked him what his problem was and he explained that he needed sex. He said that he gets a semen built-up every 2nd day or so and that he needs the physical release. If not, he walks around with an unintentional erection the whole of the next day and it frustrates him, as he needs to concentrate on work. He says that he then feels annoyed and irritated towards me for having to deal with it the next day.

I asked him why doesn't he just masturbate - I honestly don?t mind, seeing as it is just a physical release he seeks. He then went on to explain that he feels that masturbation is unhealthy in a marriage. He says that it is the easiest thing in the world to do, to switch the computer on, look at some pictures and do what is necessary, but he feels that is a betrayal to me, because he is not thinking of me when he does that.

He also says that because masturbation is so effortless, he is scared that instead of going through the whole built-up to sex with me (which let's face it - involves some work), he might just decide that it is easier to just masturbate (also, because he tired at night) and he does not want to risk our otherwise healthy sex life, by eventually just taking the easier route.

I told him that my libido hits a low sometimes, especially after having four children and because of being tired and that there are times when I really just am not up to it. He understands that and does not want to push me to have sex with him, but he says he needs the release. I then told him 'fine, when you need the release and I am not up to it and you don't want to help yourself, then I will allow you to bonk me, but please understand that my heart and mind is not in it'. He seemed grateful for that.

I love my dh - we have been married for a very long time and I have absolutely no problem accommodating him in this way - it really is no skin of my nose.

I suppose what I want to know is this: Is my dh's take on masturbation in the marriage unusual or do others agree his view?

Hobb, it does add up with the way NJ writes about her H's inability to talk about/deal with the death of their child though. He doesn't sound very emotionally healthy.

NJ - I hope the realisation of his abusive behaviour is dawning on you, I really do.

ninajane I am lost for words but wanted to give you an manly pat on the back and an un-MN hug.

You have revealed far more in this thread than I am sure you ever intended and I think we are only now scratching the surface of what is really going in your marriage.

Please seek advice on leaving him. He is abusing you. And for every gesture that you think makes him a loving partner, he is not. Sex is fundamental to your relationship and to your well-being and his view of it is seriously fucked.

I didn't read any posts re. the bereavement (saw them but didn't read them deliberately as felt rather intrusive in relation to this thread) but I did read about the fantasising by OP and several comments about secure, loving partnership and a sense of enjoying sex if not climaxing.

NJ, what conclusions are you coming to here?

I think there could be a combination problem of your lack of fulfillment from sex and your H's overbearing and controlling nature. Maybe it can be rectified despite the awfulness of his approach but until you see what his reaction is to you standing up to him, how can anyone know?

hobbgoblin, this does not dominate our sexual life and we do have exciting and adventurous sex as well - obviously only when I am in the mood. This rears its head every now and again. That is part of the reason why I was upset, because I told him that I think that we have a good sex life and that I didn't understand what he was complaining about. But apparently, I waited too long between our sessions and that is what made him physically uncomfortable and annoyed.

NJ - hope this thread will act as a wake-up call - can I ask - what led to you posting now? Have you ever refused in the past? What about when you are ill? Or when he's away for days say thru' work? Or when the children were little and you may have had little sleep?

So, as long as you keep your mouth shut and your legs open, everything's just fine and dandy?

Without wishing to sound like an obnoxious twatter may I suggest that we try and not pull apart OP's marriage too much. I do hope she has seen that she is being unfairly co-erced and is able to stop that frm continuing to happen and also that her H is in reality a decent enough person to take stock and realise where his behaviour is heading and the abuse that it is becoming.

I can assure you that men can go for many weeks without needing to "shed a load"!

DW wasn't interested for months after the birth of DD.

Of course eventually you may have a "wet dream" but this would be only after more than a month.

Anyway why can't he relieve himself in the shower if necessary - clean and easy.

In my opininon what he is subjecting you to could be described as rape - emotionally if not physically.

*abuse that it is rather, not becoming

The thing is, even subconsciously, you will be less up for sex than usual because of the way your H is treating you. Being mistreated (I'm sorry but that's how I see it) is going to wipe out your libido so you're in a horrible vicious circle. The more he wants it and tries to bully you into it, the less you do. The more he bullies you.. etc

At the very least I'd get to some Relate counselling sessions asap, either alone or together. This isn't healthy behaviour and you either need to confront and deal with it, or remove yourself from the situation.

I do think some of the posters here are being a bit harsh to the OP. After all, she is describing her partner's behaviour not her own! It is not always easy to know what is "normal" in a relationship and everyone has different experiences and expectations. In the course of a long relationship, each partner's sex drive and libido will be changing all the time and it can be very difficult to accomodate each other's needs.

Inevitably there will sometimes be resentment - this can work both ways. For instance, I have had periods of time when I have not been interested in having any kind of physical relationship with my partner. While he would never pressurise me, I realised that it was having a negative effect on our relationship generally and the result is that I sometimes did it even if I didn't really feel like it - and enjoyed it once I got going!

But that is because my partner never pressurised me and it was my own decision. I just know he is much happier when we are having an active sex life. No doubt I will be accused of being a 1950s housewife but honestly I am not!

Having said that, I do think that the OPs partner sounds quite selfish and the stuff about masterbation sounds ridiculous.

First post made me want to come and pack your bags for you and take you to a better place.
Bleughh!! Skin is crawling.

I think it's fairly easy to know that normal isn't crying in the bathroom after being bullied into sex though..

No prob, AF - it was more that I wanted the OP to realise it than for you to acknowledge it TBH.

am not officially here, MIFLAW, but cheers

I'm sorry, insisting on having sex only a week after childbirth is just abhorrent behaviour. He didn't need to shed his load, what a lot of rubbish! What is WRONG with this man? Does he really think his need to ejaculate is more important than your need to heal and recover? It could've done you internal damage! And are his needs more important than anything to do with a newborn? And why you DO think this was a normal and reasonable thing of him to ask?!

NJ, you really need to get it into your head that his sexual needs are NOT your responsibility. If he was really as desperate as he says he is then he would masturbate. Can you truly not see that preferring to make you have sex with him when you don't want it (and esp. just after having a baby!) instead of quietly going off for a wank is all about control and, moreover, speaks volumes about how little respect he has for you as a person (as a woman?). All of this is about control and making you inferior.

And something else you've maybe not considered - how do you know he's not masturbating anyway? He could be wanking regularly and still demanding sex from you. It could well be true, as he seems pretty fixated with his own needs (above everyone else's).

Eeka, those were brave words. Don't namechange, hold your head up high for getting out of there.

Linden brings up an important point - what has happened in the past when you've refused point blank? And if you've never dared to, why is that? What do you think would happen if you did?

I'm a guy so I can offer a different perspective on this...

Oh no actually I can't - he's a disturbed, lying, weirdo. I'm hoping this thread is a wind up because if not he is sexually abusing his wife.

The stuff about the build-up and erection are utter utter lies. Disgusting.

God I don't know if I want this to be wind up or not....
It's really disturbing either way

Scorpette, I had emergency caesareans with all my children, so I did not experience the pain and subsequent damage that natural childbirth would cause.

About the masturbation: He is very proud of himself, about the fact that he does not masturbate. He thinks it is an achievement in terms of how good a husband he is - how faithful he is to me. He made it sound like I should be grateful that he doesn't.