Male masturbation

[NinaJane]

I just need some insight please - perhaps some blokes can help shed some light on the subject for me.

I always thought that masturbation is a normal and healthy thing to do. Actually, I still think so.

Thing is, my dh wanted to get frisky with me the other night, but I was completely knackered and brushed him off. At the time, he did not seem upset about it, but the whole of the next day, he froze me out. I asked him what his problem was and he explained that he needed sex. He said that he gets a semen built-up every 2nd day or so and that he needs the physical release. If not, he walks around with an unintentional erection the whole of the next day and it frustrates him, as he needs to concentrate on work. He says that he then feels annoyed and irritated towards me for having to deal with it the next day.

I asked him why doesn't he just masturbate - I honestly don?t mind, seeing as it is just a physical release he seeks. He then went on to explain that he feels that masturbation is unhealthy in a marriage. He says that it is the easiest thing in the world to do, to switch the computer on, look at some pictures and do what is necessary, but he feels that is a betrayal to me, because he is not thinking of me when he does that.

He also says that because masturbation is so effortless, he is scared that instead of going through the whole built-up to sex with me (which let's face it - involves some work), he might just decide that it is easier to just masturbate (also, because he tired at night) and he does not want to risk our otherwise healthy sex life, by eventually just taking the easier route.

I told him that my libido hits a low sometimes, especially after having four children and because of being tired and that there are times when I really just am not up to it. He understands that and does not want to push me to have sex with him, but he says he needs the release. I then told him 'fine, when you need the release and I am not up to it and you don't want to help yourself, then I will allow you to bonk me, but please understand that my heart and mind is not in it'. He seemed grateful for that.

I love my dh - we have been married for a very long time and I have absolutely no problem accommodating him in this way - it really is no skin of my nose.

I suppose what I want to know is this: Is my dh's take on masturbation in the marriage unusual or do others agree his view?

You are right. It is just the latest in a long line of incidents. But because I have never sat him down and explained how it makes me feel, it has carried on. I foolishly believed that saying how I felt before the time, was enough to stop his behaviour, but obviously, it was not. So, in that sense, I have allowed the behaviour. I have never had someone I could talk to about these things and then I happened upon MN, which is why I am raising it now.

I do believe that his behaviour is wrong, but I find it hard to equate him to the adjectives ascribed to him on here.

Maybe you're scared Ninajane that if you admit it is as bad as it seems, you then have to face really tough choices about whether you continue in a marriage with this guy, having admitted what he is doing to you,

or whether you start thinking about ending your marriage

maybe you're not ready to face this type of huge dilemma?

You say you are planning to talk to him about it? Have you planned in your head what you're going to say? Do you want help around how to go about that conversation? How do you think he'll react?

Well of course it's difficult for you to equate. Because you love him and it's hard to think badly about the people we love. But his behaviour is inexcusable and it needs to stop.

I am sorry that you have never felt that you could talk to anyone in RL about this. So it is important that you keep posting. Everyone is here for you.

I really hope that once you make it clear to him how all of this makes you feel that things will change. Fingers crossed for you.

"His problem is: not listening to me."

YOUR problem is that he has absolutely no respect for you at all.

"I view his behaviour as inconsiderate and selfish - not depraved and perverted."

He wants you to have sex even though you don't want it. He wants to film you, you say no, he films you anyway. You are visibly uncooperative and tell him to just get on with it and he does.

He sounds more like a dog than a man.

OK depraved and perverted are strong words, but what he is doing to you for his own self gratification is horrifying. It is not usual, not normal and has been universally condemned by everyone on this thread.

Normal relationships are not like this, you do know that don't you?

It is not that he just doesn't listen to you, he has no respect for you!

I agree with swallowedafly, it does sound like he filmed you purely for the kick of seeing you suffer & for him to feel like he had power over you. If he wanted to do it because he wanted to see your body, because (he says) it's lovely, why would he delete it?

I don't know if you are backtracking, because you have realised how awful it is, or that you really cannot see how bad this is, but it is bad.

He forced you to have sex a few nights ago.
He forced you into being filmed when you weren't ready, and sorry to say that consenting to sex - as you said you did before the filming - doesn't mean he can force to have a certain type of sex, or add filming into the mix.

It does sound like he is using you for his own means, I would be interested to know how much pleasure you get before/during & after sex, because it sounds like it is about him, tbh.

I had a thought, if your DH is really so uninterested in masturbation ask him to wear one of male chastity devices.

Wearing it should not be painfull or uncomfortable for him and he would be able to show his devotion towards you 24/7.

and the key is obviously in the hands of the wife...

Are you sure all copies of the film are gone? If not destroy them or delete them permanently. I suspect any film of you will eventually be used against you by this man.

I also suspect he does watch a lot of porn somehow, and probably some nasty stuff too.

Either that or he has some very horrible ego trip going on in his head; you're playing some sort of role in his mind.

NJ, you can go out and pay for a nice massage yourself, a manicure, a pedicure, and not have to comply with an order to get someone's phone so he can film you having sex with him against your better judgement and against your wishes. (Otherwise known as rape) And you can order your own take away too.

It's just so nice and just as good as having your H do it, but better because there are no strings attached -- you lie there for the half hour or whatever and the masseur or masseuse coats you with all kinds of nice stuff and pummels your muscles, and you feel so great afterwards you could scale tall buildings. Same for the manicure or pedicure. And the take away tastes just as nice if you order it yourself.

Can you really enjoy any part of this relationship when you have been so violated?

When I think about your situation NJ I keep going back to your OP when you had told him that he could 'bonk you' if he felt like it, but that your heart and mind wouldn't be into it. 'he seemed grateful for that'

my H verges on the bullying and is certainly selfish but if I said that to him he would be offended most likely or perhaps quite sad but would have no interest in continuing with any sexual contact.

How are things going NJ? Hope you've felt strong enough to discuss it with your H

smeaton

Also, wtf is a 'refractory period'?
And 'comfort myself '
And 'give him your panties'
Urrrrrghhhh
Cringe
Creepy

Fuck's sake.

Most people are perfectly able to combine a healthy sex life with having a wank now and again. He is bullshitting you. Youre not obliged to lie back and think of england while he empties himself.

oh ffs a zombie thread, only resurected by a creep

AlfalfaMail - you disgusting zombie fuckwit.