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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Male masturbation

416 replies

NinaJane · 11/08/2010 11:24

I just need some insight please - perhaps some blokes can help shed some light on the subject for me.

I always thought that masturbation is a normal and healthy thing to do. Actually, I still think so.

Thing is, my dh wanted to get frisky with me the other night, but I was completely knackered and brushed him off. At the time, he did not seem upset about it, but the whole of the next day, he froze me out. I asked him what his problem was and he explained that he needed sex. He said that he gets a semen built-up every 2nd day or so and that he needs the physical release. If not, he walks around with an unintentional erection the whole of the next day and it frustrates him, as he needs to concentrate on work. He says that he then feels annoyed and irritated towards me for having to deal with it the next day.

I asked him why doesn't he just masturbate - I honestly don?t mind, seeing as it is just a physical release he seeks. He then went on to explain that he feels that masturbation is unhealthy in a marriage. He says that it is the easiest thing in the world to do, to switch the computer on, look at some pictures and do what is necessary, but he feels that is a betrayal to me, because he is not thinking of me when he does that.

He also says that because masturbation is so effortless, he is scared that instead of going through the whole built-up to sex with me (which let's face it - involves some work), he might just decide that it is easier to just masturbate (also, because he tired at night) and he does not want to risk our otherwise healthy sex life, by eventually just taking the easier route.

I told him that my libido hits a low sometimes, especially after having four children and because of being tired and that there are times when I really just am not up to it. He understands that and does not want to push me to have sex with him, but he says he needs the release. I then told him 'fine, when you need the release and I am not up to it and you don't want to help yourself, then I will allow you to bonk me, but please understand that my heart and mind is not in it'. He seemed grateful for that.

I love my dh - we have been married for a very long time and I have absolutely no problem accommodating him in this way - it really is no skin of my nose.

I suppose what I want to know is this: Is my dh's take on masturbation in the marriage unusual or do others agree his view?

OP posts:
Malificence · 16/08/2010 12:28

NJ, you are not pathetic, you are however very downtrodden by this man - ask yourself why he wants to film you if it's not for the purpose of him masturbating to it?
It's just another form of control, for your own sanity you have to stop giving in to his demands, because that's what they are, he didn't ask you if you wanted to be filmed, he simply expected you to comply.

It is abusive behaviour, there is no other word for it - only you have the power to stop him, do you want this for the rest of your life? Sad

loves2walk · 16/08/2010 12:43

Oh god that's so awful. You must have felt terrible to be ignored.

Did he just carry on regardless? Are you sure you trust him that he can keep that sort of film/pics to himself? You sure he won't be showing it to others?

You do need to listen to the people here advising you to get help with this.

kayah · 16/08/2010 12:48

would you be able to read this bok?
www.amazon.co.uk/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much/dp/0099482304

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 16/08/2010 13:00

Nina, I'm really sorry to be hearing this. And you sound so sad. Please don't think that you're pathetic, or worry about people saying I Told You So - the issue here is that he's spent 14 years wearing you down, teaching you that saying no to his sexual demands will result in emotional punishment, and convincing you that you're the unreasonable one.

You can't just turn it off in a week, that's some pretty deeply ingrained stuff. But you do need to start addressing it. Do you have the resources to see a counsellor, perhaps, on your own?

Original poster
NinaJane · 16/08/2010 13:23

Mal, no - I do not want this for the rest of my life.

loves2walk, no he would not be able to show it to others. I asked him to delete it, because our dcs often play games on his phone and I was worried that they would happen upon it. He did delete it. I checked when he was sleeping and it was deleted.

tortoiseonthehalfshell, the thing is this: He was so lovely this weekend (like he always is). He got take-aways for us, twice, to give me a break from cooking. He took the dcs out for hours on end, so that I could have a rest. He gave me foot, head and back massages the whole weekend long, without expecting it to turn into sex. That is why it is so very hard for me to just raise the sex issue. I do not want the niceness to end. It is absolutely horrible for me when he freezes me out, as I feel that I have upset the happy applecart. I know that I must address it and I will. I just need to find the courage to do so.

OP posts:
loves2walk · 16/08/2010 13:37

It sounds as though you do know you have to do something about this but I can see how this is so hard after so many years. While you are doing your thinking about how to tackle it, can you get yourself some help nearby? A friend that you can confide in or family, or a counsellor?

Just if you are going to address it, it sounds like you expect things to get worse at that point, you will need people around that can support you. D'you have anyone nearby?

swallowedAfly · 16/08/2010 20:36

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LittleMissHissyFit · 17/08/2010 01:51

oh sweet jesus. I've only just found this thread, read through it all, and right up until the post about him wanting to film it, i felt that i was coming on to this far too late to add my tuppenny happeny words to this thread so well supported by so many wonderful mners.

But that phone thing literally made my blood run cold. NJ, I know all this has come as a shock to you, but you need to break this pattern now. He needs to be set straight.

HaworthView · 17/08/2010 08:18

A man's penis has a terrible life, it lives with two nuts, it's neighbour is an arsehole, it's best friend is a pussy and it's owner beats it. :o

tums · 17/08/2010 11:43

Horrrible situation.

Can I ask...does he not realise that you're not happy? When you went along with being filmed, I'm sure your body language wouldn't have been positive.

Do you hide your emotions well? I honestly couldn't do it.

Sorry if I upset you with my questions.

Original poster
NinaJane · 17/08/2010 12:06

tums don't worry, it doesn't upset me.

I remember him focussing in on me. I just stood there. He knew that I was reluctant, because I had told him that I do not want to be filmed as I was. Also, not 1/2 an hour before this, I had scoffed a huge platter of sushi and was feeling very unattractive. My period started the next day, so I was bloated from that as well.

I guess I had a silent protest by not doing or acting seductive. He ended up telling me what he wanted me to do i.e. show me your boobs, now bend over etc.Blush.

OP posts:
chippy47 · 17/08/2010 12:07

Non -consensual filming, ridiculuous theories about why he has to have sex (and probably more weird stuff -have not had time to read the whole thread). This is a bit screwed up. You have to change something to either end this behaviour or remove yourself from it.
You do not get an erection from semen build up -it is reabsorbed or released via having a wank/shag or a wet dream. Most erections are mentally instigated or due to physical arousement (the classic morning erection is due to a a full bladder exerting pressure on the prostate or something like that).
He is lying. Why would somebody who claims to love you make you have sex on camera against your wishes? It is something i have thought about with my partner but would never be stored on a phone or hard drive -locked in a cupboard on a memory stick more likely.

swallowedAfly · 17/08/2010 12:16

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Malificence · 17/08/2010 12:40

I wonder if he'd be so keen if you suggested some kinky games, if he's not interested or even openly hostile then you have your answer and you will know for certain that forcing you to do things when he knows you don't want to is his driving factor - which makes him a very unpleasant man .

I keep hoping that he actually believes (mistakenly) that this is some kind of game where you pretend to be uninterested but secretly enjoy it, his reasoning being that you always give in - and when you finally put him straight he will be horrified and put an immediate stop to his demands.

Unfortunately I don't think this is the case here. Sad

How could saying NO to him and suffering his moods be any worse than what you are doing now? At least it will give you some control and self esteem.

aegeansky · 17/08/2010 13:05

Hi again, I'm really concerned about this filming business. (I'm a bloke, remember). I just can't see what pleasure hde can derive making and owning a film in which you are (visibly) a reluctant participant, unless it's a power trip, in which case the film is a record of a power assymetry in your relationship, which is vile. This is very worrying indeed. Under what circumstances will he use the film?

A healthy thing would be if you consented and enjoyed making the film and both got off on it by watching it together at another time. I'm sorry, but I wouldn't trust him with this film. Try to find out where it is and destroy it.

swallowedAfly · 17/08/2010 13:20

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PotPourri · 17/08/2010 13:31

NinaJane. Really sorry to read. I don;t have anything to add other than that you need to gather the courage together and stand up to him. It's not ok - you know that and he probably does too.

loves2walk · 17/08/2010 13:37

Like malificence says - how could his freezing you out be any worse than making you have sex when you say to him you don't want to, or by being filmed in this way, again after you've said you don't want that.

How could raising the issue make it any worse?

What do you think he'd say if you sat him down, without kids around and told him frankly and calmly how you feel about what he is doing/making you do.

So, if you were to say 'when you have sex with me when I'm not interested/aroused, it makes me feel......'

'when you took that film, even though I said I didn't want to, I felt.....'

you must feel so terrible about being treated in this way - I don't know how you can prevent yourself from raising it.

Rollergirl1 · 17/08/2010 13:43

God, I have pretty much read this thread through my fingers. What a deeply sad situation. I completely agree with what Malificence said, why do you see him freezing you out for a few days as worse than what he is currently making you do?

NinaJan: No-one here would ever say that you are pathetic. And it is certainly not your own fault. But you really do need to start loving yourself. Why do you put his feelings of rejection above your own basic human rights?

I think by posting this thread you have set the cart in motion. I really hope you find the courage to change things.

LittleMissHissyFit · 17/08/2010 14:20

Jesus, If I were with a 'guy' like that, I'd want to be frozen out.

He'd make my skin crawl.

Original poster
NinaJane · 17/08/2010 14:39

I have to disagree with the view that my dh filmed me for some depraved reason and/or to witness/record my uneasiness and getting off on that.

I was there and I can honestly say that it was not the case. If it had been at any other time, I would have been a willing and enthusiastic participant. He was not to know that I would be reluctant to be filmed, before he suggested it. I had already at that stage (before he mentioned getting his phone) indicated to him that I am happy to have sex with him.

His problem is: not listening to me. He tells me all the time that he thinks that I have a great body and that he loves the way am shaped and built (not a view I often share). I think that he perhaps thought that I was being insecure about being filmed, you know, about not having a perfect body and he carried on, even though I protested, to show me that he thinks I am lovely no matter what I might think.

This makes him an idiot of the highest order and inconsiderate, but definitely not a demented pervert who 'gets off' on my discomfort. Sorry - I just needed to explain that.

And yes, I agree - I will talk to him, as being frozen out is the lesser of the two evils.

OP posts:
Rollergirl1 · 17/08/2010 15:14

But the fact is that he went ahead after you said no and despite the fact that you were clearly insecure about doing it and not enjoying it. He may not have suggested it solely for that reason. But he didn't stop when you stated your feelings. You are right that he doesn't listen to you. He doesn't listen to you because he doesn't care about your feelings and his personal pleasure comes first and foremost. Always.

swallowedAfly · 17/08/2010 16:07

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Original poster
NinaJane · 17/08/2010 16:20

I am saying that I didn't want to be filmed, because I felt that I did not look nice enough - I have no problem in principal with being filmed. I do however have a problem with the fact that my dh ignored what I had said about not wanting to be filmed and that he carried on regardless. He could have said: "Ok, fine" and we could have had normal sex, as planned.

I view his behaviour as inconsiderate and selfish - not depraved and perverted.

OP posts:
Rollergirl1 · 17/08/2010 16:37

But surely the filming incident is just the last in a long line of incidents when DH has "ignored your wishes and carried on regardless"? And these incidents have occurred over the length of your marriage. If it were one or two instances then I think you could get away with calling his behaviour selfish and inconsiderate. But this has been your life.

What do you really think about how he behaves NinaJane? What do you think about the fact that he doesn't care if you enjoy it or not?

Sometimes I think you sound like you are excusing his behaviour because it is so ingrained in you to think like that and then other times you sound like you're actually not that fussed. But then you admit to crying on the bathroom floor or saying "Everything in me screamed 'no! I do not want this..'"