Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Male masturbation

416 replies

NinaJane · 11/08/2010 11:24

I just need some insight please - perhaps some blokes can help shed some light on the subject for me.

I always thought that masturbation is a normal and healthy thing to do. Actually, I still think so.

Thing is, my dh wanted to get frisky with me the other night, but I was completely knackered and brushed him off. At the time, he did not seem upset about it, but the whole of the next day, he froze me out. I asked him what his problem was and he explained that he needed sex. He said that he gets a semen built-up every 2nd day or so and that he needs the physical release. If not, he walks around with an unintentional erection the whole of the next day and it frustrates him, as he needs to concentrate on work. He says that he then feels annoyed and irritated towards me for having to deal with it the next day.

I asked him why doesn't he just masturbate - I honestly don?t mind, seeing as it is just a physical release he seeks. He then went on to explain that he feels that masturbation is unhealthy in a marriage. He says that it is the easiest thing in the world to do, to switch the computer on, look at some pictures and do what is necessary, but he feels that is a betrayal to me, because he is not thinking of me when he does that.

He also says that because masturbation is so effortless, he is scared that instead of going through the whole built-up to sex with me (which let's face it - involves some work), he might just decide that it is easier to just masturbate (also, because he tired at night) and he does not want to risk our otherwise healthy sex life, by eventually just taking the easier route.

I told him that my libido hits a low sometimes, especially after having four children and because of being tired and that there are times when I really just am not up to it. He understands that and does not want to push me to have sex with him, but he says he needs the release. I then told him 'fine, when you need the release and I am not up to it and you don't want to help yourself, then I will allow you to bonk me, but please understand that my heart and mind is not in it'. He seemed grateful for that.

I love my dh - we have been married for a very long time and I have absolutely no problem accommodating him in this way - it really is no skin of my nose.

I suppose what I want to know is this: Is my dh's take on masturbation in the marriage unusual or do others agree his view?

OP posts:
Goober · 11/08/2010 14:36

GET OUTTA THERE!

What a fucking caveman!!

thesunshinesbrightly · 11/08/2010 14:37

This thread gets worse.

C- sections don't you have to have six weeks rest?

Nina - I'm sorry i can't believe you agree to this.

CatPower · 11/08/2010 14:37

NJ - you may have avoided the pain and damage of natural childbirth, but you endured the pain of emergency sections. I waited weeks before instigating sex with my DP again (after natural childbirth), but I cannot imagine having sex within a week of having my abdomen torn open.

To quote a bumper sticker - masturbation is not a crime. To be proud of not masturbating is like being proud of not washing your face - it's avoiding something necessary and natural.

Original poster
NinaJane · 11/08/2010 14:38

Scorpette

"what has happened in the past when you've refused point blank? And if you've never dared to, why is that? What do you think would happen if you did?"

I have never refused point blank. I was afraid of the tension it would cause. If I did refuse point blank, he would not speak to me for a week and find fault with everything I do.

I have never had anyone I could discuss this with before. MN gave me a platform to do so, which is why I am raising it now.

OP posts:
Coolfonz · 11/08/2010 14:38

NJ - He's fucking mad as a holdall full of rats, leave him.

pozzling · 11/08/2010 14:38

You should be 'grateful' that he insists on having sex when you are completely uninterested and unaroused rather than masturbating?

You do realise how warped and selfish that sounds?

Can you talk to him about any of this? What would his reaction be if you explained that you are NOT grateful, and will no longer be prepared to have sex unless you want it?

chipmonkey · 11/08/2010 14:39

NinaJane, what he is doing is abusive and to me, even if the rest of the marriage is OK, would be reason enough to get out. I think I didn't feel up to sex for 9 months after ds1 was born ( probably undiagnosed PND) and dh didn't push me at all, even though he was worried for me as it wasn't like me IYKWIM!

CatPower · 11/08/2010 14:40

"I have never refused point blank. I was afraid of the tension it would cause. If I did refuse point blank, he would not speak to me for a week and find fault with everything I do."

Sweetheart, please re-read this. This is mental and sexual abuse and you really need to consider your position in the marriage. He's treating you as an object to shoot his load into, not as a partner and equal in the marriage.

Malificence · 11/08/2010 14:50

NJ, you are being a little disingenous, in January you posted (on someone else''s thread ) about your husband's emotional cruelty, his sulking for days on end etc. It's another weapon for him to use to control you.

Scorpette · 11/08/2010 14:50

No-one, male or female, straight, gay or bi, should feel scared to say no to sex because it would cause their partner to give them the cold shoulder and bully and pick on them! That is not normal behaviour and you shouldn't it acceptable.

And as for having sex 1 wk after birth because you had a cs each time, well, that actually sounds worse! I've had a laparoscopy and couldn't get out of a chair unaided for a week because of the pain a few tiny incisions in my stomach caused me - just hugging people hurt 1 wk on, so I can't imagine that sex could be a barrel of laughs after what amounts to major abdominal surgery! A normal man would have a wank and get on with the rest of his day/night.

Why don't you value yourself enough to say no to all this?

And does his warped view of things not perturb you? Being proud of the fact that he never masturbates but will insist he has sex with his wife shortly after a cs - or that he will insist on it like he does, full stop! - is twisted beyond belief!

LindenAvery · 11/08/2010 14:57

Sorry - you've had 4 emergency sections? You went for VBAC after number 2? What about your lochia - didn't the sex affect the amount? What about questions at your postnatal check -up?

Original poster
NinaJane · 11/08/2010 15:02

"You went for VBAC after number 2?"

No, I did not - all my children were born by emergency c-sections.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/08/2010 15:05

NJ...are you accepting of any of this criticism of your partner ?

LindenAvery · 11/08/2010 15:07

Sorry NJ - just meant that after 2 sections normally a planned section rather than an emcs would usually be the norm unless you wanted to go for VBAC and ended up with an emcs? But then I seem to remember you live in South Africa?

dignified · 11/08/2010 15:08

Nina, coercing somebody into sex using ANY means is abusive, and it sounds like its been going on a long time with your remark about having sex just after youd given birth. And regardless of what he says , its really not about sex, its about CONTROL and DEGRADING you.

I recommend the book " Living with the dominater " , just a few quid from amazon, which describes in detail the sexual bully , the man who uses excuses such as your H does. It states clearly that these men will sulk, whine, make ridiculous claims and " HAVE SEX WITH US AFTER WEVE GIVEN BIRTH OR WE ARE ILL ".

This isnt about sex, he getting off on controlling you and degrading you, and it usually only gets worse.Please dont have sex with him again if you dont want to, its soul destroying and harmfull for you.

These men usually bully us and try to control us in lots of other ways too, sometimes so slight we dont even notice as we tend to think of bullying as screaming and shouting , it isnt always so. Your husband was bullying you by sulking , does he often do that ?

What do you think would happen if you were to point blank refuse to have sex with him again unles you wanted to ?

Does he grope you and make lewd comments ?
Does he listen when you talk , or does he explode or walk away from you ?
Does he tell you youve said things you havent said ?
Sadly i think theres probably other areas where he shows no regard for your feelings , im very sorry your experiencing this.

I used to be in a marriage where this was happening. Eventually the sulking became shouting ( indirect threat of waking the children up ) and the groping became outright assaults. Dont let this happen to you, get some support here and in real life, and read as much as you can about sexual abuse and emotional abuse as your experiencing both.

Original poster
NinaJane · 11/08/2010 15:10

AF, yes I am. It has cleared up some concerns I have. Last night I thought that I was doing the right thing, by making myself available to him regradless of how I felt - I do not think so any more.

OP posts:
gingerkirsty · 11/08/2010 15:12

"I then told him 'fine, when you need the release and I am not up to it and you don't want to help yourself, then I will allow you to bonk me, but please understand that my heart and mind is not in it'. He seemed grateful for that."

NO NO NO NO NO NO that is awful. I haven't time to read the rest of the thread as DD just woke up but PLEASE have some regard for yourself OP.

Original poster
NinaJane · 11/08/2010 15:14

LindenAvery, yes I do live in SA. I had high blood pressure (pre-eclampsia)with all my pregnancies. Even though I was monitored closely, the protein in my urine would become dangerously high, unexpectedly, and then my babies had to be delivered almost immediately.

OP posts:
dignified · 11/08/2010 15:15

Re this porn issue, from my own experience and everythig ive read, sexually abusive men are rareley fathfull and often tend to have horrific porn habits.

You also say hes good looking. Is this his opinon or yours ?

AnyFucker · 11/08/2010 15:16

but NJ...what do you really think about what he is doing to you ?

Original poster
NinaJane · 11/08/2010 15:21

AF, I don't know what to think at the moment. I just think, I suppose, that I am not perfect and neither is he. I don't see him as everyone here has described him: vile, disgusting, abusive, nutter, twat, fucked-up, creep, freak etc. I see him as my husband who is not perfect.

OP posts:
Original poster
NinaJane · 11/08/2010 15:22

dignified, it's my opinion.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/08/2010 15:29

"I am not perfect and neither is he"

NJ...are you a sexual abuser ?

sorky · 11/08/2010 15:29

It isn't going to get better until you let him know how you feel about this NJ. Even if it's to suggest counselling, you'll have to talk about this with him.

jobhuntersrus · 11/08/2010 15:42

I am not sure if the situation is as awful as it seems when written down i.e whether it sounds worse than it actually is. Only you know how his behaviour makes you feel. To an outsider it sounds horrible and abusive.
The only way forward can be to talk to him about this. Maybe you could agree together how often you will have sex. Probably sounds a bit sheduled and not very spontaneous but the deal would mean you both know where you stand and as part of the deal he must not put you under pressure in between times. Maybe a crap idea but you need to reach a way to meet both your needs which doesn't include you letting him because it's easier than saying no.