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Original poster

Male masturbation

416 replies

NinaJane · 11/08/2010 11:24

I just need some insight please - perhaps some blokes can help shed some light on the subject for me.

I always thought that masturbation is a normal and healthy thing to do. Actually, I still think so.

Thing is, my dh wanted to get frisky with me the other night, but I was completely knackered and brushed him off. At the time, he did not seem upset about it, but the whole of the next day, he froze me out. I asked him what his problem was and he explained that he needed sex. He said that he gets a semen built-up every 2nd day or so and that he needs the physical release. If not, he walks around with an unintentional erection the whole of the next day and it frustrates him, as he needs to concentrate on work. He says that he then feels annoyed and irritated towards me for having to deal with it the next day.

I asked him why doesn't he just masturbate - I honestly don?t mind, seeing as it is just a physical release he seeks. He then went on to explain that he feels that masturbation is unhealthy in a marriage. He says that it is the easiest thing in the world to do, to switch the computer on, look at some pictures and do what is necessary, but he feels that is a betrayal to me, because he is not thinking of me when he does that.

He also says that because masturbation is so effortless, he is scared that instead of going through the whole built-up to sex with me (which let's face it - involves some work), he might just decide that it is easier to just masturbate (also, because he tired at night) and he does not want to risk our otherwise healthy sex life, by eventually just taking the easier route.

I told him that my libido hits a low sometimes, especially after having four children and because of being tired and that there are times when I really just am not up to it. He understands that and does not want to push me to have sex with him, but he says he needs the release. I then told him 'fine, when you need the release and I am not up to it and you don't want to help yourself, then I will allow you to bonk me, but please understand that my heart and mind is not in it'. He seemed grateful for that.

I love my dh - we have been married for a very long time and I have absolutely no problem accommodating him in this way - it really is no skin of my nose.

I suppose what I want to know is this: Is my dh's take on masturbation in the marriage unusual or do others agree his view?

OP posts:
thesunshinesbrightly · 11/08/2010 13:03

Hmm I'm with you NinaJane and i'm shocked by the replies.

sheepgomeep · 11/08/2010 13:03

butterpiepride my dp does have trauma relating to his childhood re abuse etc which is why he has trouble masturbating but I'm not going into that here.

My dp would rather go without sex than do it when I don't feel up to it

AnyFucker · 11/08/2010 13:06

with her on what, sunshine ?

being used as a sex toy ?

thesunshinesbrightly · 11/08/2010 13:09

No sorry just read the rest.

Malificence · 11/08/2010 13:09

I've just thought of something else - quite a few times, me and DH have had sex in a morning , if he hasn't ejaculated and we've simply stopped, through being disturbed or whatever - he doesn't then suffer an erection and/or discomfort for the rest of the day, it's not like an explosive charge you know, once it's set it has to go off, sort of thing!

AnyFucker · 11/08/2010 13:12

phew

I really could think of no reason why another woman would tell NJ that his behaviour was ok, sunshine

thesunshinesbrightly · 11/08/2010 13:14

What i thought reading through the post was just a woman not totally up for it but agreeing to keep her husband happy - i did not see anything wrong with that.

The build up stuff was a load of bollocks but he's a man so they will try anything(as n boys will be boys type of way)

After reading through properly i have a different view.

MIFLAW · 11/08/2010 13:14

"If not, he walks around with an unintentional erection the whole of the next day and it frustrates him" - according to him, is that why priests and monks wear those loose-fitting robes? Do you honestly think Father Seamus has a permanent diamond-hard boner hidden under that cassock?

lilmissmummy · 11/08/2010 13:16

I agree that no man who is a decent human being would ever use their partner as a sex toy. Sex is a physical act between two WILLING partners. It makes me very sad that you are being bullied and coerced into having sex on a regular basis. As far as I am concerned this is sexual abuse.

My dh probably masturbates occasionally but it has never affected our sex life.

We have sex when both of us want to have sex and never at any other time.

MIFLAW · 11/08/2010 13:17

"phew

I really could think of no reason why another woman would tell NJ that his behaviour was ok, sunshine"

I can't think of many men who would either. A woman just lying there waiting for it to be over? What does that do for the famous male ego? Smile

thesunshinesbrightly · 11/08/2010 13:17

I mean as in she never wants it but just has it because it's part of a marriage.

I'm gonna bow out now i'm not explaining myslef very well, had a long night.

MIFLAW · 11/08/2010 13:18

"but he's a man so they will try anything"

No, we won't.

Malificence · 11/08/2010 13:21

"unintentional erection" - only if he's 14 FFS. Hmm

Original poster
NinaJane · 11/08/2010 13:22

My dh did try to involve me. He tried a bit of foreplay, asked me what I would like him to do so, I was not exactly just lying there like a blow-up doll. I told him that I am not horny and that he should just get on with it, which he did.

OP posts:
thesunshinesbrightly · 11/08/2010 13:27

NinaJane - Do you never feel like it? or is it just your husband you don't want it with?

Poshwellies · 11/08/2010 13:28

'I told him that I am not horny and that he should just get on with it, which he did.'

Words fail me.

MrsReality · 11/08/2010 13:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NinaJane · 11/08/2010 13:30

MIFLAW

"Real "girlfriends", even permanently randy ones, tend to have lives and interests and even jobs to consider."

My dh is very good looking, was even more so when he was younger. Women used to practically throw themselves at him (some still do), so he had a long list of willing females waiting in the wings, hoping that they would be the lucky one.

OP posts:
jobhuntersrus · 11/08/2010 13:31

Do you want to want to? What have you been doing in the past? Do you pretend to enjoy it? I just can't get my head around a man not considering your feelings in this at all.

MrsReality · 11/08/2010 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NinaJane · 11/08/2010 13:32

thesunshinesbrightly, yes I do, but obviously not as often as he feels like it.

OP posts:
pozzling · 11/08/2010 13:33

I don't think it's that uncommon for partners to have different sex drives, and I see nothing wrong with one partner making a real effort to get themselves in the mood for sex. Not just to please their partner but to keep the relationship healthy. Is that what you meant thesunshinesbrightly?

But if one partner expects the other to accommodate them, uses emotional blackmail and is happy with a partner who's not into it (rather than a partner who takes a little longer to warm up IYKWIM) then something is seriously wrong. The thought of someone finding sex with an unresponsive partner more morally acceptable than masturbation, is really quite creepy.

MIFLAW · 11/08/2010 13:33

"My dh is very good looking, was even more so when he was younger. Women used to practically throw themselves at him (some still do), so he had a long list of willing females waiting in the wings, hoping that they would be the lucky one."

Me too (line up, ladies.)

And I can promise you that a woman throwing herself at you is not at all the same as a woman saying, "yeah, phone me up anytime, I'll drop anything for a fuck."

Lots of women and men behave in the former way, because it can be fun. Only the insane and the emotionally battered (or, as I say, a prostitute) would ever consider the latter arrangement.

Malificence · 11/08/2010 13:33

Ninajane, how long have you been married?
He's only just got around to telling you about his little problem? Hmm

If I told my DH I wasn't really feeling frisky but that he could use my body to masturbate with, 1. he wouldn't and 2. he would feel very insulted that I had even suggested it.
Normal, decent men don't want sex with a woman who isn't really into it, even if they haven't had sex for a month.

Scorpette · 11/08/2010 13:34

NJ, you ask if other men say similar things - well, boys same similar thing; teenage boys who come out with pathetic bullshit to try to guilt-trip their clueless girlfriends into doing 'things'. I'm presuming neither of you are under 18 and that you're not clueless, so why are you choosing to believe this nonsense? A real man, a loving partner would never pull this bullshit on his wife/girlfriend. Earlier this year I had some cryo for a bit of cervical erosion and couldn't have sex for a month afterwards. My DP did not mention sex once, never mind trying anything. In fact, he refused all offers of 'help', as he says it's a turn-off for him if we don't enjoy sexy things equally. And he wouldn't be able to get an erection if I wasn't up for it. This is the norm, not your 'D' H. My DP is a red-blooded 28 yr old and did not complain once nor did he suffer pain from 'semen build-up' or start to prefer wanking to having sex with me - because these are LIES your DH is using to control you and to selfishly get what he wants, regardless of your needs and feelings. He sickens me.

And as for saying he used to get girlfriends round to sort him out, well, that set off all sorts of alarm bells. He sounds like he basically sees all women as whores who should be available to fulfil his every sexual whim whenever he wants it. And how pathetic and needy to expect others to always take care of your needs, not to mention arrogant and cruel. Has anyone told him that the world doesn't revolve around him and his cock?

I have a term for when women acquiesce to sex that they really don't want just to shut up their bullying partners: consensual rape. Because that's what it is. Sorry if me and everyone sound really harsh, but the way you're being treated is unacceptable, disgusting and wrong.