Male masturbation

[NinaJane]

I just need some insight please - perhaps some blokes can help shed some light on the subject for me.

I always thought that masturbation is a normal and healthy thing to do. Actually, I still think so.

Thing is, my dh wanted to get frisky with me the other night, but I was completely knackered and brushed him off. At the time, he did not seem upset about it, but the whole of the next day, he froze me out. I asked him what his problem was and he explained that he needed sex. He said that he gets a semen built-up every 2nd day or so and that he needs the physical release. If not, he walks around with an unintentional erection the whole of the next day and it frustrates him, as he needs to concentrate on work. He says that he then feels annoyed and irritated towards me for having to deal with it the next day.

I asked him why doesn't he just masturbate - I honestly don?t mind, seeing as it is just a physical release he seeks. He then went on to explain that he feels that masturbation is unhealthy in a marriage. He says that it is the easiest thing in the world to do, to switch the computer on, look at some pictures and do what is necessary, but he feels that is a betrayal to me, because he is not thinking of me when he does that.

He also says that because masturbation is so effortless, he is scared that instead of going through the whole built-up to sex with me (which let's face it - involves some work), he might just decide that it is easier to just masturbate (also, because he tired at night) and he does not want to risk our otherwise healthy sex life, by eventually just taking the easier route.

I told him that my libido hits a low sometimes, especially after having four children and because of being tired and that there are times when I really just am not up to it. He understands that and does not want to push me to have sex with him, but he says he needs the release. I then told him 'fine, when you need the release and I am not up to it and you don't want to help yourself, then I will allow you to bonk me, but please understand that my heart and mind is not in it'. He seemed grateful for that.

I love my dh - we have been married for a very long time and I have absolutely no problem accommodating him in this way - it really is no skin of my nose.

I suppose what I want to know is this: Is my dh's take on masturbation in the marriage unusual or do others agree his view?

NinaJane, well you say you're not bothered by the behaviour. You're more interested in male attitudes to wanking. Perhaps ask that elsewhere. Another thread or another site entirely.

NinaJane: the only men who feel that way about masturbation are vile, abusive ones. It's an excuse apparently very common among religious abusive men - that raping their wives (or indeed their teenage DDS) is 'less of a sin' than looking at porn or paying a sex worker.
As to there being something 'wrong' with you, it sounds as though you may have been taught that you don't matter, that you exist only to service your H, that women are not fully human. But there's something right with you in that you are worrying about this and questioning it.

"He seemed grateful for that."

Dogs are grateful.

Men have sex because they like it and because it's fun - which sort of implies that the woman is up for it too. A man who is "grateful" is a man in name only, IMHO.

I think that came out wrong. I meant that, in my opinion, a real man would rather go without sex than put himself and a woman in a position where sex is a favour that he needs to feel "grateful" for because she is not really up for it and just humouring him.

NJ he is full of shit not semen.

Wanking is inferior to sex if you have the option of both, it's not because of his silly story about mental fidelity. He could think of you while he wanks if that were the case.

He is a bully and everything SGB said. Poor you.

OK SGB - I'll be honest. I lied. I cried in the bathroom after he had sex with me. I'm not sure if it was because I felt violated or because I was relieved that his 'frozen-ness' was over. I hear what you are saying and I will think about it.

Can I ask (and please forgive me if this comes out wrong) do you normally enjoy sex? Or do you see it as something to be got out of the way to please a man?

Also, this may seem odd advice to someone with a low libido, but have you tried masturbating yourself? Doesn't have to be to orgasm, but just have a little explore of yourself, get to know what YOU like.

What bollocks! I've known men go months without sex and they don't walk round with constant hard-ons. Of course he can have a wank, but he doesn't want to, not out of respect for you, but because he'd prefer to have sex with you, whether or not you are up for it.
If you really think that lying back and taking it when you aren't in the mood is OK then you are heading for trouble, what will he want next - to shag you while you are asleep???

He obviously has absolutely no respect for you, which is very as it seems like you don't have much for yourself either.

Oh NinaJane, I don't expect you anticipated the replies you received. When I began reading I had the same thoughts as everyone else but didn't expect such as unanimous reaction.

I hope you stick around for some support because if I were you I'd be feeling quite shell shocked right now. Your beliefs have been challenged and his crap exposed.

The question now seems to be whether he believes his own bullshit or whether he is knowingly bullying you with lies. If he was brought up in a misogynistic environment he might very well believe his own bilious twoddle. I suspect he knows he is deceiving you though and forcing you to service him.

On a biological note (and speaking as a man), men do get a build-up of semen after a while. It takes a few weeks, though, and it sorts itself out anyway as a wet dream. And if he sees porn as a betrayal - which is a fair enough viewpoint - then he could just as easily fantasise about the OP while cracking one off.

And I second what MIFLAW is saying - the thought of having sex with a woman who is just doing it as a chore is not an attractive one.

OP, he sounds nasty, manipulative and creepy.

I think some of the responses here are pretty OTT but agree that this is a bit weird, in my view.

If you're happy with half-hearted sex, fine. If not, tell him so and that he needs to grow up.

NJ
I really feel for you but I am grateful to you for your post. I could have written that myself!

I met my OH when I was very young and over the years he took total control over me. I am struggling to get a divorce and get out of this relationship but having just read your story and all the supportive comments, it has renewed my determination.

It isnt right to be treated that way. It is completely disrespectful. I put up with it for far too many years. I only wish I had known about mumsnet sooner because it would have given me the courage to stand up for myself.

And for those of you who offer replies and support, although they have not been to me directly, thanks :) You have no idea what an inspiration you are :)

that is really, really not normal. And quite horrible. You should have more self respect; the only reason you should ever have sex with someone is because you want to. My ex was a bit like this- he had a very high libido (though he would happily wank all the time)and I often had sex with him simply because he was harrassing me or I felt under some kind of obligation- it made me feel like shit and left psychological scars, and, like you described, I sometimes found myself in tears afterwards. I still find it hard to relax and enjoy sex sometimes even though my current DP is absolutely wonderful.
Please don't put up with this. It won't be good for your emotional health and it certainly isn't the way a healthy relationship should be.

Snorbs - thanks for that. Weeks you say? My dh explained the sensation as a tightening in his groin - a constant tweeking, distracting him. He said that the only thing that stops that from happening is when he sheds his load. Does that sound right or not?

He says that he can ignore it and carry on with his day at work, but that it gets progressively worse. He told me that, before I met him (when he was a young man in his early 20's) that he just used to phone a girlfriend to come and sort him out, when he had that feeling.

No, can't say I know any man who feels wanking is a 'betrayal'

Also don't know any man who would get satisfaction out of bonking a lifeless partner, luckily.

I completely agree with sgb

This man is a creep and a liar

he makes my fucking skin crawl, and I've never even met him

Does he know you cry after he bullies you into sex ?

he freezes you out if you don't comply?

I am sorry but you are being abused here and the sooner you accpet that, the sooner you can start to make changes

this man hates women

Just thirding MIFLAW and SORBS comments.

I guess depending on age but the build up thing usually is after 3-5 days.

I certainly would'nt even get hard if I thought my DW was just going to lie there expecting me to get on with it. In fact no interaction from you could be seen as a form of masterbation anyway.

Also NJ think of this senario. Say your DH was sent to prison for 3 months. Do you think his semen build up would be a problem then.

"Snorbs - thanks for that. Weeks you say? My dh explained the sensation as a tightening in his groin - a constant tweeking, distracting him. He said that the only thing that stops that from happening is when he sheds his load. Does that sound right or not?"

That sounds like total lies.

Or the plot of a really good science fiction novel.

NinaJane- Honestly how do you feel about it? Is is that you don't really want to but start to enjoy it when you get going? Does he try to arouse you or is he just out for himself only?

Ok, my DH does not masturbate. He is religious and was brought up to believe it was wrong. He used to have the odd wet dream when single. I'll be honest - I wish he would sometimes as he gets comletely unconsciously narky if we go without for a few days. HOWEVER he will deny til he's blue in the face that it's connected to orgasms and he has never once pressured me into sex or tried to make me feel guilty. He would also feel mortified if I suggested he has sex with me without my willing participation and feels like he is a crap partner if he doesn't make me feel good when we have sex.

NinaJane this is so wrong and upsetting. The not wanking thing is a red herring - worse is the fact that he will emotionally blackmail you into having sex and he will willingly use you as a reluctant human sex toy.

" he just used to phone a girlfriend to come and sort him out"

I think he has a rather low view of women to put it politely :(

reading 'Crying on the bathroom floor afterwards' has almost made me cry :(

"he just used to phone a girlfriend to come and sort him out, when he had that feeling."

Outside the realms of fantasy, the only "girlfriends" I can imagine doing that are the ones who put cards in pohne boxes and charge by the hour.

Real "girlfriends", even permanently randy ones, tend to have lives and interests and even jobs to consider.

He sounds vile unfortunately - his "reasons" are ridiculous, semen doesn't build up , sperm does naturally in the epididymis ( as it matures) over the course of weeks though, not a couple of days - give him a biology lesson , he needs one if he's so ignorant about his own body. I swear some people still think that semen shoots straight out of the testicles!

God help him if he ever had a vasectomy - the sperm really does build up over a few weeks then, but that's because there is nowhere for
it to go and that gets quite uncomfortable for a while.

He sounds like he's using it as an excuse to get you to open your legs whenever he wants you to, which is abusive behaviour for sure.

There's nothing wrong with having a high sex drive, but to refuse to masturbate, or use it as a veiled threat (he's worried he'll prefer masturbation? ) in order to get you to have sex when you don't want to, that's nasty.
What sort of man even wants sex with an unwilling/uninterested partner? Not a good one, that's for sure.

I hate this man