Male masturbation

[NinaJane]

I just need some insight please - perhaps some blokes can help shed some light on the subject for me.

I always thought that masturbation is a normal and healthy thing to do. Actually, I still think so.

Thing is, my dh wanted to get frisky with me the other night, but I was completely knackered and brushed him off. At the time, he did not seem upset about it, but the whole of the next day, he froze me out. I asked him what his problem was and he explained that he needed sex. He said that he gets a semen built-up every 2nd day or so and that he needs the physical release. If not, he walks around with an unintentional erection the whole of the next day and it frustrates him, as he needs to concentrate on work. He says that he then feels annoyed and irritated towards me for having to deal with it the next day.

I asked him why doesn't he just masturbate - I honestly don?t mind, seeing as it is just a physical release he seeks. He then went on to explain that he feels that masturbation is unhealthy in a marriage. He says that it is the easiest thing in the world to do, to switch the computer on, look at some pictures and do what is necessary, but he feels that is a betrayal to me, because he is not thinking of me when he does that.

He also says that because masturbation is so effortless, he is scared that instead of going through the whole built-up to sex with me (which let's face it - involves some work), he might just decide that it is easier to just masturbate (also, because he tired at night) and he does not want to risk our otherwise healthy sex life, by eventually just taking the easier route.

I told him that my libido hits a low sometimes, especially after having four children and because of being tired and that there are times when I really just am not up to it. He understands that and does not want to push me to have sex with him, but he says he needs the release. I then told him 'fine, when you need the release and I am not up to it and you don't want to help yourself, then I will allow you to bonk me, but please understand that my heart and mind is not in it'. He seemed grateful for that.

I love my dh - we have been married for a very long time and I have absolutely no problem accommodating him in this way - it really is no skin of my nose.

I suppose what I want to know is this: Is my dh's take on masturbation in the marriage unusual or do others agree his view?

What scorps said red.

I too am horrified and saddened at some of the attitudes being aired on here, especially by other women.

Oh yes, and JZH.... words fail me.

jzh's input is a complete non-event on this thread and should be ignored as such

don't give that troll any more headspace

[fawn] @ AF.

PP, it maks me see red too

in a "slashy-knifey" kind of way...but that ain't the done thing, unfortunately

The "do women trade sex for love" thread is nearly as depressing in some of the attitudes shown, why do so many people still feel that sex is something done to women for the benefit of men and something we have to put up with to have a nice life ? - It's incredibly sad and so damaging.
To think that some of these women have daughters too .

Oh really AF? Damn....

It is not hard to see how sexism and patriarchal ideology are perpetuated through generations is it? The most horrifying part is that a lot women help that cause.

yup

its a problem, innit, SAF

I have a son as well as a daughter

I do think the best way to teach them about relationships is to model one of your own

Which is why, on all these kinds of threads, I bang on about bad examples being set for kids when women allow men to use them like domestic appliances (or, to quote sgb, like domestic appliances with a fanny)

not to make women feel any worse than they already do (although I am sure that happens sometimes) but to refute the delusion that these men are "good fathers"...because they are not

That's sometimes what horrifies me the most - when they (all) say " but he's a really good father", I wouldn't have wanted my DD anywhere near a man who regularly abuses his wife, whatever particular method he favours.
Where has SGB gone, her initial observations were spot on, I'm sure she would have something to say to the apologists.

single women are just as easily able to be a good role model

by not putting up with shit...or by getting out of a relationship that is toxic

or by showing a woman is a person independent of a man, in her own right and not prepared to tolerate a crap relationship just so they can be in one

"That's sometimes what horrifies me the most - when they (all) say " but he's a really good father", I wouldn't have wanted my DD anywhere near a man who regularly abuses his wife, whatever particular method he favours. "

Horrifies me too. A good father never abuses the mother.

You explained it v well, swallowedafly.

There's got to be give and take in every relationship, of course, but it is v important that parents understand what messages their behaviour gives their kids. Shutting up and putting up with a partner who is an arsehole might make things nice for the kids in that instant moment but in the longterm it plants beliefs in their unconscious about how they should behave themselves as adults in relationships.

It makes me so angry when people put all the onus on women in relationships with a crappy make partner to make everything right. But, sadly, people tend to always blame the victims in any given situations: we're all brought up to believe that if we follow the 'rules', nothing bad will befall us and when bad things DO happen to others, despite them following the 'rules', it's easier to find some ridiculous reason to claim they broke the 'rules' instead of facing the fact that the 'rules' don't really protect us.

Anyway, am preaching to the converted now. I hope the OP does have a chat with her OH. And more importantly, that he actually listens to her and makes changes.

Do feel free to come over to that thread and join me in yelling rebutting the argument, people.

Oh I'm there tortoise

NJ hope you are ok today?

I daren't - I'll just bluster around going RRRRAAAAAAAARGHGHGH in incomprehensible rage

You wont be alone scorpette, trust me

Where's the "other" thread...?

Here catpower

Cat, do a search for rednosedays posts and you will find. I fear I am going to implode in a ball of fiery rage so may have to stay out.

OP are you lurking? I really hope you are ok. Thinking of you.

Scorpette, that's pretty much what I'm doing. Luckily it's wine o'clock over here.