Male masturbation

[NinaJane]

I just need some insight please - perhaps some blokes can help shed some light on the subject for me.

I always thought that masturbation is a normal and healthy thing to do. Actually, I still think so.

Thing is, my dh wanted to get frisky with me the other night, but I was completely knackered and brushed him off. At the time, he did not seem upset about it, but the whole of the next day, he froze me out. I asked him what his problem was and he explained that he needed sex. He said that he gets a semen built-up every 2nd day or so and that he needs the physical release. If not, he walks around with an unintentional erection the whole of the next day and it frustrates him, as he needs to concentrate on work. He says that he then feels annoyed and irritated towards me for having to deal with it the next day.

I asked him why doesn't he just masturbate - I honestly don?t mind, seeing as it is just a physical release he seeks. He then went on to explain that he feels that masturbation is unhealthy in a marriage. He says that it is the easiest thing in the world to do, to switch the computer on, look at some pictures and do what is necessary, but he feels that is a betrayal to me, because he is not thinking of me when he does that.

He also says that because masturbation is so effortless, he is scared that instead of going through the whole built-up to sex with me (which let's face it - involves some work), he might just decide that it is easier to just masturbate (also, because he tired at night) and he does not want to risk our otherwise healthy sex life, by eventually just taking the easier route.

I told him that my libido hits a low sometimes, especially after having four children and because of being tired and that there are times when I really just am not up to it. He understands that and does not want to push me to have sex with him, but he says he needs the release. I then told him 'fine, when you need the release and I am not up to it and you don't want to help yourself, then I will allow you to bonk me, but please understand that my heart and mind is not in it'. He seemed grateful for that.

I love my dh - we have been married for a very long time and I have absolutely no problem accommodating him in this way - it really is no skin of my nose.

I suppose what I want to know is this: Is my dh's take on masturbation in the marriage unusual or do others agree his view?

1. all things being equal wife should be a willing 'wank sock'

jzh So a wife should have sex when she doesn't want to?

No, that would imply rape, which is clearly wrong.

She should seek to please him just as he seeks to assist her. That they should work together, in concert.

What's he assisting her in, exactly!?

In making sexy times.

JZH, think about the phrase "wank sock". You're saying that a woman should make herself available to be wanked into.

Oh, but you said "willing". So you mean that a wife should always be willing, in order for it not to be rape.

So you want to dictate the mood and libido of women, for male convenience, then?

All things being equal, such as their libido.

Well this isn't the thread to get into it, but your idea that he 'assists' while she pleases, is skewered!

I've not read the whole thread, but I have to say there is no way that masturbation can be seen as a betrayal to you.That is just silly.

Honestly, I am glad my DH is good at some self-relief because my appetite just isn't the same as his.It keeps us both happy.

I have resisted posting, but JZH your post(s) just made me - assume you're a bloke (but may well be wrong) because I can't imagine a woman saying "she should seek to please him" - WHY? Sounds like he doesn't treat her with warmth, respect, love - all those things that might make someone want to please him.

jzh is obviously a 13 yr old boy right ?

This is more scary: Nina - I am sure that you will work something out for you and your family. I am sure that you have enough good taste to not have married someone who is some of the horrible labels that people have applied here. At least not always those things, all of the time! Also people can change when aspects of their behaviour are pointed out to them.

Equally, I am sure that your children will want to think of their father as a decent person at heart, as I am sure he is, or at least can be, given the right incentive. ?????????????

Unfortunately, we are all victims of circumstances, whatever they are. I really believe that, if you get into talking honestly about how you feel, you will be amazed what you can achieve. It is worth it even if it is just for the sake of your children having a father that they respect.

Despite what people have written here, I do think it is important to try to discuss things with your partner and also maintain a reasonable relationship so that your children can have a relationship with their father. That doesn't imply any obligation on your part with regards to sex/staying married etc - but I think both parents have an obligation with regard to the feeling of their children whatever their own personal backgrounds.

I found that all chilling. It is a manifesto for women to be abused

Did someone utter the phrase "in making sexy times."

Seriously?

Seriously?

JZH you're either a teenage boy who has watched one too many blue movies, or (more worryingly) you're NJ's husband. I don't know what worries me more.

Maybe I hold some pretty outlandish views, but here's my tuppenceworth on what I consider to be a good relationship;

• when you're in a relationship with someone (anyone, male or female), each partner is equal. This means no one person's needs/wants/desires are held in any higher regard than the other.

• there are open lines of communication. In a safe, loving relationship no-one should feel scared about discussing issues of any nature with their partner.

• sex. Sex can be as boring or as kinky as you like as long as both partners are in agreement. And how do you come to an agreement? You share your thoughts/fantasies with eachother. If an imbalance in libido is found (which again is absolutely normal since no two people have exactly the same sex drive) then compromise is (of course) reached but this never means one parter "giving in" when s/he does not want to have sex. Again, I said it in an earlier post, masturbation is NOT a crime and that goes for both men and women.

-- reasons this goes wrong - when things are "assumed". In this particular case all I can see is that the husband assumes that the wife is "there" for him whenever he requires her to be, to be "used" as and when. To knowingly use her like this, then act the next day as though it was the best, most satisfying night of passion ever screams to me that his views on the relationship are so out of whack it's unreal.

Are my views really so outlandish? I come from a pretty "traditional" family (dad works, mum stayed at home whilst kids were in primary school) and I'm in a similar set-up now (unmarried but I stay at home with DS whilst DP works) but I have never, ever, ever considered women to be in any way shape or form "less" than men, nor have I thought that there are things I cannot/could not say or do simply because I'm a woman.

...okay, that turned into a bit of a rant. Apologies to NJ.

Please forgive the lack of sense made in my above post, I'm running on a severe lack of sleep/coffee. To the kitchen!

TD...glad you came back and took another look

Jesus, I can't believe some of the worst posts on here have come from women
From PP's "it's not rape if no physical force used" - are you fucking kidding me?
To rednosedays insane relationship "advice".

I asked DH what he thought, as men and women can have different ideas about things, he called the husband a bastard and said he was no better than a rapist - his exact words were " what kind of sicko accepts sex from his wife when she's plainly not interested?" and that men normally want their wife to enjoy sex, not just put up with it.

Jeeze some of you guys would think this poor woman was talking about a mass murderer! When I wrote right incentive what I meant was that the OP should stand up for herself and say NO.

I am completely sympathetic to her situation but she can say NO and she chose not to.

She has a huge number of options available to her none of which should include accepting any kind of manipulation or abuse at all.

The right incentive = accepting that as a fully grown adult in control of mental faculty you have to make decisions about how you will allow people to treat you.

Yes her husband might sulk and whine and behave like a three year old but then she can chose to deal with that in whatever way is best.

She can go to couples counselling, she can go into therapy, she can separate, she can not have sex with him, she can divorce him.

At this stage I am suggesting that rather than listen to a bunch of nuts on the internet (that includes me) she starts STANDING UP FOR HERSELF and telling her husband what she will and won't put up with.

Running around labelling her husband Jack the Ripper is unlikely to be helpful for her or her children.

Despite what some of the posters have written, it would be cruel to bad mouth her husband in front of the children who have NO CHOICE in who their father is. She can set a very good example to them by STANDING UP TO HERSELF.

Not coming back here again. Yelling at someone who was only trying to help and suggesting they are an apologist for abuse - god GROW UP some of you.

"I am completely sympathetic to her situation but she can say NO and she chose not to."

Did you bother to read the OP's post where she says she feels she cannot say no, for fear of how her husband will react?

NinaJane says - "I have never refused point blank. I was afraid of the tension it would cause. If I did refuse point blank, he would not speak to me for a week and find fault with everything I do."

He's already resorting to blanking her/freezing her out if he doesn't get his own way. What next?

Well RND I'd say this is where the internet leaves so much room for interpretation.

I also disagreed with comparing OH's DH to a rapist

I agree she needs to stand up and speak for what she wants.

Your first post came over to me as a bit shut up and put up though

This post I don't have any issues with

"Despite what some of the posters have written, it would be cruel to bad mouth her husband in front of the children who have NO CHOICE in who their father is. She can set a very good example to them by STANDING UP TO HERSELF".

Of course it would be cruel but NO ONE has suggested she do that. AT ALL. EVER. So why do you keep going on about it???? It is a complete straw man argument!!!!!!

red, like another poster said, that post of yours made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up (not in a good way) and read just like a manifesto for abuse

I am glad you came back to clarify some points, however, I am still of the opinion you appear to be on an entirely different thread to the rest of us re. your insistence that somehow this bloke is being badmouthed in front of the children

he isn't, because I (reading between the lines of course) suspect that the OP treads on eggshells in fear of provoking more strops/sulks/cold treatment/emotional blackmail etc and is frightened of criticising him in any way

the OP is being treated very badly in earshot of the children though...and that is very worrying

rednosedays says - "She can go to couples counselling, she can go into therapy, she can separate, she can not have sex with him, she can divorce him."

She. She. She. She. Why doesn't HE choose not to act like a spoilt, irrational, needy (ab)user when he manipulates her into having sex when she makes it clear she doesn't want to?

Why does the blame always sit with the person who complains?

Why is the woman to blame for the man's faults?

Again I'll say it. He can choose not to pressurise his wife into having sex. End of.

red...I seriously think you are out of your depth here

I get your frustration that you think we are trying to twist your words, but your words are wiiiiide open to it

Well Cat He isn't on this thread. She is

We can only control our own responses to situations. NJ has to act to create .....and not hope ...for change.

If he doesn't change then he gets hung by the MN massive ;)

Some of the views posted here (and thank heavens they are just that) are diabolical.

I haven't come across women spouting such patriarchal wank in years.

Victoria - yeah, you're right about that. I guess I just saw all the "she should do X/Y/Z" and reacted. In my mind the husband, as a grown adult, should be more than aware that his behaviour is (at best) insulting and degrading to his wife. Seeing another woman suggest that the OP "go into therapy" made my blood boil since none of this is her fault whatsoever.

But for what seems like the millionth time, rednosedays, THE OP HAS NOT BADMOUTHED HER OH TO THEIR KIDS NOR DOES SHE WANT TO AND NOT A SINGLE PERSON ON THIS THREAD HAS SUGGESTED THAT SHE SHOULD DO! IT'S A NON-ISSUE HERE!

It's YOU, obsessively going on and on about this point that simply is not an issue in the OP's situation and then slagging people off who try to explain things to you, who needs to grow up. You're not particularly good at getting your point across and then get bitchy when people respond to you; perhaps you should try working on how you explain yourself before you start insulting people and getting into a sulk online? You have totally detracted from the needs of the OP with all your nonsense (and forcing quite a few of us to keep trying to get you to understand the real issues here), so it will be a relief for all if you really don't post again.