Male masturbation

[NinaJane]

I just need some insight please - perhaps some blokes can help shed some light on the subject for me.

I always thought that masturbation is a normal and healthy thing to do. Actually, I still think so.

Thing is, my dh wanted to get frisky with me the other night, but I was completely knackered and brushed him off. At the time, he did not seem upset about it, but the whole of the next day, he froze me out. I asked him what his problem was and he explained that he needed sex. He said that he gets a semen built-up every 2nd day or so and that he needs the physical release. If not, he walks around with an unintentional erection the whole of the next day and it frustrates him, as he needs to concentrate on work. He says that he then feels annoyed and irritated towards me for having to deal with it the next day.

I asked him why doesn't he just masturbate - I honestly don?t mind, seeing as it is just a physical release he seeks. He then went on to explain that he feels that masturbation is unhealthy in a marriage. He says that it is the easiest thing in the world to do, to switch the computer on, look at some pictures and do what is necessary, but he feels that is a betrayal to me, because he is not thinking of me when he does that.

He also says that because masturbation is so effortless, he is scared that instead of going through the whole built-up to sex with me (which let's face it - involves some work), he might just decide that it is easier to just masturbate (also, because he tired at night) and he does not want to risk our otherwise healthy sex life, by eventually just taking the easier route.

I told him that my libido hits a low sometimes, especially after having four children and because of being tired and that there are times when I really just am not up to it. He understands that and does not want to push me to have sex with him, but he says he needs the release. I then told him 'fine, when you need the release and I am not up to it and you don't want to help yourself, then I will allow you to bonk me, but please understand that my heart and mind is not in it'. He seemed grateful for that.

I love my dh - we have been married for a very long time and I have absolutely no problem accommodating him in this way - it really is no skin of my nose.

I suppose what I want to know is this: Is my dh's take on masturbation in the marriage unusual or do others agree his view?

Thanks Kaloki and Polly, I've settled down with a cherry bakewell and vat of tea so we'll see if that can help to calm my rage when I read the linked thread. ;)

I think more than anything else, that the veiled threats my dh used, upset me the most.

I've had a good think about it all and I realise that I allowed him to bonk me, not because I wanted to assist him in his quest to be load-free, but because I wanted him to stop freezing me out.

I am not upset anymore - now I am angry. How dare he do that? He is a bloody grown man. I am not responsible for his semen! Why should I get the bloody cold treatment, when he is too immature to find a solution to his problem? I agree with those who said that just because I am married to him, that it doesn't automatically make me his personal blow-up doll to do with as and when he pleases. Thank you for reminding me of that - somewhere along the line I had lost my sense of dignity and self-respect in this regard.

I have not spoken to him yet. I need to calm down first. I will let you all know how things pan out.

Am glad you are feeling stronger NinaJane. I also agree with your current thinking. Much luck & love to you.

Ooooh this looks like an interesting thread. I'll go against the grain and say I agree with him. It upsets me when I know my husband has looked at porn in order to masturbate. So I would rather do what you're doing. And I appreciate your dh for doing this, although I think his frequency may be a little unreasonable. What I wonder is, if you have been married for ages, why is it suddenly an issue?

Have your read all the thread MerryMarigold?

Oh my good god, it's a sad day when a woman admits she'd rather be used as an emotionless sex aid to prevent her husband looking at porn.

A sad day when a woman is appreciative that a man can force another woman into sex emotionally as it's the best thing at least he does not look elsewhere {angry]

Where is your respect woman? Letting a man treat you like this is not respectful.

Nope. I read the OP and the first page.

I believe marriage is about helping each other - and if that's a way I can help them so be it. There's things he'd do for me when I need it. Just because it's sex it becomes all emotive, for goodness sake. Calm down!

I'm glad you've seen the light, NinaJane. Do make the point to him that an angry resentful partner (you or him) is far more of a barrier to a good sex life than having a wank.

This seems to have whipped up a load of hyseria, with people bandying about words like rape and abuse. Maybe the bloke actually does genuinely feel that wanking is a betrayal and has missed the point. How about a compromise and offering to wank him?

Glad you've been able to gain some clarity on the matter NinaJane. Hope you manage to sort things out. Good luck xx

Bandying about words like rape and abuse ?

To force someone into sex they do not want is abusive , end of.

Good to hear that you are feeling stronger NJ. Good luck. x

Heaven forefend a man should go without?! Lie back and think of England! We've all seen those husks of men on the roadside and littering the corridors at work? Those men who have literally exploded due to a build up of semen because their selfish, badmouthing wives won't accept that being used as an inanimate vessel for sex is far more respectful than someone choosing to masturbate.

Good luck NJ.

Good luck from me too NJ x x

Ermmmm...excuse me. If I prefer to have sex (when I don't really want to) or, more likely, to help my husband have an orgasm (various ways n means other than penetrative sex I'm sure you know), rather than him looking at pornography and masturbating on his own, isn't that MY CHOICE?

Heaven forfend I should have a choice in this and be told that what I prefer is immature and awful. I'm obviously abused and a complete victim...hmmmm...I would be if I bent over and agreed with you.

Yes, but the thing is, it's your CHOICE - probably not going to reduce you to tears or make you think you HAVE to do it for fear of what the response might be

Oh, meant to say well done NJ, anger is something that you can use to help you tackly the difficult subject - and (before anyone leaps on me!) I mean assertively not aggressively!

What a wanker, metaphorically of course.

Ermmmm,, excuse me ,,, if other women prefer NOT to be treated like a fuck toy, i think thats their choice , and for those women who end up coerced or in tears, that very much IS abuse.

You have a choice, good for you, all normal and healthy. That isnt what were talking about here is it , the Op has stated quite clearly she ended up in tears.

Merrymarigold - it's not an either / or choice! A man can choose to masturbate without the aid of porn quite easily - it's actually very controlling to dictate the way he masturbates however, would you accept your husband saying you can't masturbate in your preferred way? Does he know that you control him in that quite insidious manner?

He could masturbate in the presence of his partner, whether she is actively involved or not, he could also use a masturbatory toy if he prefers a more natural feeling - he could even, horror of horrors, not masturbate at all and wait for his partner to be a willing participant.

Sulking and emotional blackmail is awful behaviour no matter what the situation.

You see I think that people who disapprove of masturbation are seriously sexually dysfunctional (not people who just don't fancy it, but people who think it's 'wrong'). And people who disapprove of porn on the grounds that it's 'infidelity' are also on dubious ground if their reasoning follows the OP's H's line of reasoning (that it's better to rape coerce and pressure an unwilling woman into sex than have a wank, with or without a DVD or a few minutes alone on the internet).
Basically, the man who knows that his wife is unwell, tired, physically injured or whatever and therefore not horny, so he looks at some porn and quickly relieves his own tension is surely a better man than the one who rants loudly and publicly about the disgusting wrongness of porn yet threatens his wife that he will be corrupted by this evil stuff if she doesn't shut up and accept him sticking his dick in her every time it twitches.

Because it's not untrue to say that a person who wants sex and can't have any just now can feel frustrated, sometimes to the point of physical discomfort but that discomfort is always relievable by means of a quick wank. The emotional discomfort of a severe libido mismatch in a couple is another issue, but it's not going to be fixed by one partner enduring sex with gritted teeth and closed eyes and no physical pleasure at all - that will just make the situation deterorate even further.

Good luck NJ. If your H is a decent bloke who has been raised with horrible ideas, you may be able to boot talk some sense into him. If he really does fundamentaly think that you exist entirely for his benefit, then he probably won't change and you may have to think about whether or not you want to stay with him.

SGB we know you're ALWAYS RIGHT.

If a woman sulks and uses emotional blackmail it's generally overlooked - or even 'good on ya'. Not saying the OP's dh has gone about it in the right way at all, but am allowing him to feel what he feels about masturbation (and agreeing with it). And I don't control my husband, he would also be of the OP's dh's persuasion so I figure I am just helping him to live in the way he wants to.