Male masturbation

[NinaJane]

I just need some insight please - perhaps some blokes can help shed some light on the subject for me.

I always thought that masturbation is a normal and healthy thing to do. Actually, I still think so.

Thing is, my dh wanted to get frisky with me the other night, but I was completely knackered and brushed him off. At the time, he did not seem upset about it, but the whole of the next day, he froze me out. I asked him what his problem was and he explained that he needed sex. He said that he gets a semen built-up every 2nd day or so and that he needs the physical release. If not, he walks around with an unintentional erection the whole of the next day and it frustrates him, as he needs to concentrate on work. He says that he then feels annoyed and irritated towards me for having to deal with it the next day.

I asked him why doesn't he just masturbate - I honestly don?t mind, seeing as it is just a physical release he seeks. He then went on to explain that he feels that masturbation is unhealthy in a marriage. He says that it is the easiest thing in the world to do, to switch the computer on, look at some pictures and do what is necessary, but he feels that is a betrayal to me, because he is not thinking of me when he does that.

He also says that because masturbation is so effortless, he is scared that instead of going through the whole built-up to sex with me (which let's face it - involves some work), he might just decide that it is easier to just masturbate (also, because he tired at night) and he does not want to risk our otherwise healthy sex life, by eventually just taking the easier route.

I told him that my libido hits a low sometimes, especially after having four children and because of being tired and that there are times when I really just am not up to it. He understands that and does not want to push me to have sex with him, but he says he needs the release. I then told him 'fine, when you need the release and I am not up to it and you don't want to help yourself, then I will allow you to bonk me, but please understand that my heart and mind is not in it'. He seemed grateful for that.

I love my dh - we have been married for a very long time and I have absolutely no problem accommodating him in this way - it really is no skin of my nose.

I suppose what I want to know is this: Is my dh's take on masturbation in the marriage unusual or do others agree his view?

Merry the difference is, you are more than happy to lie back and be a shag toy for your DH even when you are not quite in the mood. NJ isnt it upsets her and makes her feel used. The alternative freezing out when she doesnt comply makes her angry. So your situation, whilst similar in the fact you both have DH's that are more than willing to have an unmotivated partner is actually very different.

It's your choice to be ok with it.
It's NJ's choice not to be.

"The trouble with men is that for a woman to have a civilised conversation with them they need despunking first".

-Cynthia Payne

Anyone who feels that solo masturbation is unhealthy in a marriage has very warped views of sexuality.
Making a choice not to masturbate is a personal one, or one between partners, but expecting a partner to relieve your sexual tension so you don't have to masturbate is very weird indeed. My DH chooses not to, not because he thinks it's wrong, and not because he expects me to service him when he's horny, simply because he prefers to have sex - if he's horny and I'm not ( which isn't often nowadays) he just waits until I'm in the mood, he doesn't get all sulky or unpleasant because I've said I don't want sex, he has never pestered me for sex, however long it's been.

MM - If your husband worked away or you were ill for a prolonged period, would you expect him not to masturbate?

The idea that a man would demand sex a week after his wife has had major surgery/given birth is completely abhorrent.

I was in a similar relationship to NJ's for 9 years, 2 dcs, and sadly what NJ has described was normal, as i am sure it is in many households. i thought my girl friends were hysterical when they told me i should leave him. i thought, "well, he's just DP, i know him better than anyone, he's just being honest with me..." also he had the RUBBISH excuse of being Roman Catholic and so felt GUILTY about masturbating... hence i had to lie back and think of England...? ugh

Cultural background / upbringing is NO excuse for this kind of behaviour.

I left him...

It took at least 2 years from when I first had the idea that he might be abusing me, to when i finally had the courage to leave. it's not an easy journey. all the time he was getting worse. i have no idea what i'm doing now and it's unbelievably tough however i am determined that i will never again let anyone bully me like he did (and unfortunately still does)

NJ make sure you look after yourself and have a good look through the Relationships board on MN - it helped me a lot reading about things like narcissistic personality disorder and so on. Until I read that stuff I thought my relationship was fine. But it is a shocking realisation, I hope you are ok xx

NJ Good luck :)

BANG

I haven't had a shag for couple of days and that was the sound of my ballbag exploding. Fook me honestly, he said that ? When men get glazed eyes its because we've filled up with semen. Be careful after 48hours of non-action we'll start to dribble a lot.

Just wank him off but make the point that he'll have to learn to do it himself and thats just part of gowing up. He is 14 isn't he ?

"The trouble with men is that for a woman to have a civilised conversation with them they need despunking first".

-Cynthia Payne

She obviously had complete contempt for men. You know what always strikes me, it's how low some women's opinion of men is, that they think they are completely led by their genitals and that all sorts of appalling, abusive behaviour has to be indulged and excused because they are only men. Whereas feminists have a much higher opinion of men and think that they are full human beings, just like women, and should be assumed to be such and treated as such. Some women really hate men don't they? And it's usually the ones who accuse feminists of being man-haters.

Those who are giving the advice to just wank him are spectacularly missing the point, it seems to be that only penetration will satisfy him, she doesn't even get to choose the method of relieving him of his horrendous sperm load .

It's about control, pure and simple.

Decent men do not behave in that atrocious manner, they have respect and compassion, they view their wife's needs as equally important.

It makes me wonder what kind of relationships the female apologists for this man are in.

I completely missed the posts about him coercing her into sex a week????! after a c-section, I cannot believe that! Im sorry OP but your OH is a complete nobber. He needs serious words. I hope the talk with him has gone well.

I wonder how NJ is getting on? In my own very limited experiece, and highly flawed, experience of relationships, the woman often has to do a hell of a lot of educating when it comes to what is acceptable male behaviour, sad but true.

Jugding by reading some of the posts about men on MN, I would suggest that not every husband/partner is a paragon of virtues.

Not in any way defending any kind of abusive behaviour whatsoever but not every teenage boy has had the advantage of good parenting role models (especially a good male role model) therefore, unfortunately, it falls upon whatever hapless women happens to be in their lives to whip them into shape, or maybe just to ship out.

Stick with those boundaries - shape up or ship out.

Yes what about the girls who don't have good parenting role-models?

Whose job is it to re-educate them?

Why on earth should I expect to have to educate another adult on what is good behaviour or not? That was his mother/ father's job, not mine.

Well, sometimes, if you meet a person who has horrible views because s/he has been raised to hold horrible views and only just come out of that horrible-viewpoint environment, you might feel it worth your while to make an attempt at educating that person. Because people who have grown up surrounded by horrible views, perhaps in a fairly enclosed environment, are not entirely to blame for believing and repeating what they have been taught. Any kid raised, for instance, in a family of BNP voters, on an estate with a high number of BNP voters, is likely to support the BNP unless and until someone else takes the time first to befriend (or at least be appealing and likeable to) that kid and then to deconstruct the BNP.

Agree with swallowedafly. A woman should not have to teach her husband that manipulating someone into sex by making up lies is wrong.

Rednosedays, you really do talk a whole load of bollocks. Your attitude makes me angry...it's people like you who enable people like the OP's DH to mistreat and abuse their wives.

And as for Merrymarigold...read the whole thread, your posts are very unhelpful.

OP I really hope you are able to change things in your marriage - what you said about sex after emergency c sections really shocked me and I was really saddened by your posts.

I feel that he must have been brought up to believe that women 'service' men and this attitude to sex doesn't wash with me at all. I have a good sex drive but if I didn't want it I'd say no and would tell him to masteurbate. I would be really insulted that he would want sex when I didn't and would try to continue if I wasn't in the mood. I would laugh if he used that argument about having to have sex.

I can understand (vaguely) about the argument about porn though as I have an old friend who didn't want sex when she was pregnant but ended up leaving her husband when she found out he'd looked at some porn sites. (She also said one was a dating site which if it is true I do totally sympathise though I am not sure). Her upset was about the fact he was masturbating.

I think you must find the strength to tell your husband that you will never have sex again when you are not in the mood and whether he masturbates/looks at porn to cope with this or not is not your problem to worry about. If he sulks as a consequence of this after a few times then you will need to tell him that this makes this marriage intolerable and that you won't be swayed.

I hope your marriage survives this.

I've read the first few posts and jumped to the end so I've no doubt missed lots of good stuff in the middle, however, I just wanted to say (as a bloke) that I read the OP and thought this is in no way normal (let alone acceptable) male behavior. It's clearly an attempt at blackmail.

NinaJane,

I am a bloke. I'm sorry to hear this story - it sounds appalling. The theory that men have a build up of semen that creates an increasing sexual drive and needs to be released was around early last century! It 'explained' why men needed to use prostitutes and why it was the duty of a wife to have sex if her husband wanted it.

This reduces a man to a hydraulic system governed by testosterone, and correspondingly, a wife or partner to a device for releasing sexual tension. It's not an attractive model.

More to the point, this theory is utter toss. If you're a bloke and you don't have a shag or a wank, you can have wet dreams at any time in adulthood and that releases the precious build up of semen. But you can also have a wank, if it's just a question of releasing semen. Of course it will be replaced very quickly, at which point you can have another one.

But IMHO, we are not like bulls in a field, with our semen-laden balls and testosterone levels the primary determinant of activity.

This level of coercion, latent agression and hostility is completely not acceptable. If I were you I'd get some card, make a 'WANKING ROOM' sign and pin it to a door. Inside you put a giant box or tissues and some lube.

ROFL at the wanking room.

Imagine the Estate Agent's face.

Ahhh thank god, see it's not the done thing.

Like I say after all my emergency sections hubbies concern was me and my health as I was so ill. No doubt he had the odd shifty wank in between. I don't care he was there to help me clean my tummy, wash my hair, get me in and out of the bath, lie with me in bed, all that stuff that a normal caring bloke does! Not blackmailing me for a jump by using emotional/mental abuse.

It's totally bang out of order what your DH is doing and it's so sad, I am glad you are starting to feel stronger.

Thank you everyone for your advice, also the blokes - I understand better now.

I have been trying to find the right time to talk to my dh, but because I know that it will probably cause unpleasantness, resulting in me being freezed out for a day or two or three, I have put it off.

It is my own fault then, that I found myself in a similar situation last night, as I did the other night.

I knew that he wanted to have sex and I didn't mind, as I was keen too. I thought that I should address what happened then and there, but I couldn't do it.

As we were about to have sex, he told me to get his phone - he wants to make a video of me/us. I said no, I have not had time to shower and shave my legs yet and I would prefer to wear something nice, if I am going to be video-taped, you know, to look the part, nice hair (mine was in a ponytail at that moment) and some heels. But he ignored me and told me to fetch his phone.

Everything in me screamed 'no! I do not want this..', but I felt that I could not voice it. I guess, because I feared that he would see it as a rejection of his 'original' idea (we've never filmed each other before) and because I am pathetic.

Please feel free to tell me 'I told you so'.