Breaking contact with OM

[howdiditcometothis]

Back story here

I feel like I'm having a breakdown. I've taken some time away and made the decision to work on my marriage -it is not bad enough to justify ending it. I know this means no contact whatsoever with OM. He says that he understands and supports the decision I've made but thinks we can maintain a friendship. I can't do that - I'm in love with him and I can't pretend to be his friend and ignore those intense feelings. I'm posting here to stop me replying to him or picking up the phone. I know if we talk, I won't feel able to do it. I would be so grateful if somebody would tell me how they have done this. I feel desperate. I need to switch these feelings off and forget about him. Somebody must have done this successfully before. PLease if you have dealt with a situation like this, please help me to end this. I need to get my life back on track.

I have to say, I do agree with you and I think OP knows this.

Im not convinced how available he would be if she did leave her DH.

Sorry purplepeony - I didn't ignore it.

OK - in answer to your questions:
1 - he feels like my soulmate but I'm a realist - there was a time I felt madly in love with DH. OM is different - I miss him all the time, I feel calm and at peace and at home with him. That's not an answer. The answer is that I'm sure I love him.
2 - I absolutely don't want to hurt DH or DD
3 - despite no. 1 above I want to be in love with DH again and I'm hoping to do that - that has to be best for everyone.

He has always maintained that he will let me get on with my life. I am to blame for giving the mixed messages. I have to take blame for it. If I strongly said no more to him and took the actions to end it I know that he would. I suspect he might try and see how I was doing a lot further down the line but he would leave me alone.

He has this thing that we will end up together years down the line. He was saying that he was imagining what I'd look like in my 50s and 60s...weird I suppose.

So now that your OM is free - are the feelings as strong? Will you be together?

He has this thing that we will end up together years down the line. He was saying that he was imagining what I'd look like in my 50s and 60s...weird I suppose.

lol- that's what mine said and now we are- in our 50s!

Not sure- lots of water under the bridge since then but we are in touch. He has since had another marriage and it's ended- she left.

I hope you find the answer. Life is short- if you can't really recreate the right depth of feelings for your DH you should leave-you owe him that, not a half marriage.

and, you owe it too yourself as well. It is a very short life, cliched but true.

OP the answer then is simple- if you do really want to make it work with your H then you have to stop all contact.

The question though is do you want to make it work with your H, or does the OM offer you something better?

You keep trotting out this line that you don't want to hurt your H etc and you want to make it work- but do you really?

If you did, then you would stop all contact with OM.

If he wants you, and you feel he is your soul mate, then maybe you need to face up to that and end your marriage.

Noone likes to inflict hurt, and I totally get your point that you want to love your H again- BUT you can't turn back the clock; the OM is now in your head and your life.

Which is the fantasy? A life with OM, or a better life than you have now with your H?

If the latter, what can you do to make that happen? what does your marriage need to give it a shake up and make it better?
If your H simply doesn't "get you" like H does, then you need to face up to that.

Can't you and your DD move out for say 6 months, or can you ask your H to move out so you can see how you feel?

I don't see how you can think over this any more- you need totake some actio, along the lines of:
dumping OM properly- cold turkey
moving out and seeing OM
DH moving out
couples counselling
counselling for you on your own.

Please don't think I am being unsympathetic. There have been 2 men in my life whilst I was married who really "did" it for me- the ex was one, but there was someone else who was a friend and it became more, for me. I know exactly where you are in your head, but you have to move-on in one direction or another.

Maybe neither is right for you? Thats what Im thinking, that you are just fed up with your life.

I think your husband has already been hurt and Im surprised he's still hanging around (is he even man enough for you?) I actually think that even if you do cut contact with OM there will be another one a couple of years down the line.

Are you scared of being on your own? Does OM even want you full time?

I agree with PP and you need time out. Make the break. You talked about moving to be nearer your family. Why dont you do it on your own with DD? for six months.

You need to do something or else you are going to go mad because you really do overthink things!! I thik you are fed up in general and, need to make some changes.

Do you have girlfriends?

Howcome - I have a different perspective because I think as a society we are too hung up on the "monogamy myth" and it causes huge hurt and upset. Why would you want to cut someone out of your life who you care about? So what if you have feelings for him? There's no law that you can't have feelings for other people. What you do about it is up to you - how your partner reacts is up to him. He doesn't own you.

There is this kind of attitude that you have to hang onto a marriage like a dog with a bone, giving up any kind of fun or closeness with anyone else of the male sex.

I have had strong feelings for other people outside my long term relationship. I feel no guilt about it whatsoever. My partner knows how I feel. If he doesn't like it he can always jump ship, but he choses not to! I chose to remain in a long term relationship because it offers security, shared past and much more. He choses to stay in it for his own reasons, which are different. It works for us and that is all that matters.

Sounds like you at the moment you want to do everything to ensure you have tried your very best at your marriage. So why the guilt? Quite a few people would have given up by now. If, once you have tried, you still feel unhappy with the whole situation then it might be the right time for a change.

Kittya- you domake a fair point there about another one down the line...
I have been in this situaiton twice- don't want to dwell on that here, but after an ex came back into my life it really made me realise how much i had settled for DH. I made a go of it for many years after the ex- 15 in fact- then a contact from my past got in touch (not an affair just a very close long distance friendship) and I felt I had found my soul mate. It didn't work out- he was not ready- but it made me realise- like op maybe, that while you are not 100% committed to your marriage then you are vulnerable to anyone knew who comes into your life.

OP- I don't mean this unkindly, but you need to take responsibility for your feelings. As such you are brushing them under the carpet. Trying to work on your marriage is a great idea but you need to find out what is missing first to put it right and maybe you just need to get some head space first.

rednose- out of curiosity, does your closeness mean infidelity or an open marriage?
It sounds as if you mean that you do whatever you want and your DH watches fromthe sidelines accepting it all.
That's fine if it works for you both.

I amm ore with your ideas of a relationship than the usual MN "one strike and you are out" appraoch, but on the otehr hand I believe that alhtough you can love more than 1 man ( or woman ) at a time, you can only live with one- that's when the problems/choices start, especially if the other people want monogmany.

I think all of the points are fair.

I've challenged OM on a number of scores about the future. When we met to say goodbye (what a joke in hindsight) we actually had a conversation about the future - we'd sort of always skirted around the issue.

I maintained that I wanted to try and make my marriage right. OM asked me not to'stay away' for the wrong reasons. What he was getting at was the fact that I'd said even if I worked on my marriage and it failed, I wouldn't get back in touch with him because I felt that it was an impossible situation. His ex would know even years in the future that I had played a part in the end of their marriage - she isn't going to want me around her kids. He is well known in their community and I think him hooking up with a younger woman would make people talk. I just wouldn't want him to be made to look ridiculous. His view was that none of that is important. I think it would be.

That's not to mention the other complications.

He feels like if he convinces me to leave DH I would resent him in the future and he says that although he'd be delighted if I was with him -he wouldn't want a 'half happy' me. He wants to me to make the decision without influence.

Other reasons are I always imagined I'd have a few kids - bought the 'forever house' for a growing family last year. I wouldn't bring another baby into my marriage now but I do feel a yearning for a sibling for DD. I suppose a big reason to try and make things work is that.

I don't think that yearning for another baby would go away. It would be hugely unfair on DD and his kids ifwe eventually were together for me to have another child.

I said that I wondered if the situation as it was suited him and if I were actually free he might run a mile. He said he couldn't believe that I'd think that - would welcome me and DD with open arms. He said recently again that my feet wouldn't touch the ground if I were single. But he wants to respect the fact that I'm married and haven't given up on that.

I feel so so sorry for your DH.

Bottom line is you are being unfaithful having an emotional affair with this man.

You say you have tried to stay away and failed--well leave and let your DH find someone who will love him and not be playing about behind his back.

You are pathetic--if you reversed this and he was doing this too you l am sure he would be getting flammed and you would be getting advice to leave.

I will leave this thread now as l have nowt more to say and don't realy want to read your rubbish anymore.

Doha- I think that is very harsh of you. Life isn't black and white and if you cannot see that or indeed have no erpsonal experience of these kinds of things then you cannot possibly comment.

OP- I am trying not be to be unkind to oyu but you are living in a kind of fantasy world where you are erecting all sorts of barriers to any future.

When you say that you could not be with OM because of gossip etc, what does that say about your strength of feelings? Who cares about gossip? In yesterday's Times there was a long extract from a biography of Harold Macmillan; his wife had an affair for at least 6 years with another MP and everyone knew. He would not divorce her, which is why she didn't leave him. Now that is an affair /relationship in the public eye!

Also what exactly do you mean by having a child with OM would be unfair to your DD?

If you think that somehow you can pursue this other relationship without anyone being hurt, without the messiness of step families, etc- which millions of couples do all the time- then why are you continuing it at all?

You can't have it all- something has to give.

If I was your OM I'd be seriously pissed off with you as you sound as if you are messing him about too. He seems very sensible from what you have quoted.

He wants you, he'd take on your DD and is happy to wait until you decide.

I haven't read every post of yours, so I don't know what it is about your marriage that isn't right. As far as I know you haven't mentioned couples counselling, or even counselling for yourself. And themore this stays a MN thread, the more of a confusing fantasy the whole thing is. You need to talk to someone in RL too. But if it something that you can fix, then do that-or be brave enough to get out of it.

I have got the T shirt- I did go to counselling to try to get me head round my own situaiton. Why not try it?

Harsh but true--been there got the T-shirt and survived.

Life is too short to be wasted and the OP is wasting everyones time and it would appear no one is happy.

Dont worry--I'm off and hiding this thread now.

Well if this catches you before you are off, maybe you neeed to work on being a bit more sympathetic.

I wonder how you would have felt whilst you were "getting your T shirt" if people had been judgy and harsh to you?

You don't have to read these posts, nor reply- the only person's time that is being wasted is yours by bothering to respond.

purplepeony , you're very wise. I think your advice is spot on.

Oh thanks

op, i get your confused state.

you must be in a mess. this is obviously out of the blue, which happens and i can relate too.

time will tell, I do think however that you are confused between a man who makes you feel worthwhile, and your dh who doesn't. Up til a yr ago you moved house, you wanted more children with your dh.

You are hurting your dh but he also needs to step up and although he is very hurt I think you need to go to counselling with him. Or he needs to go.

If he called time on your marriage, how would you really feel??? Becuase he might well do.

PP: "It sounds as if you mean that you do whatever you want and your DH watches from the sidelines accepting it all."

Well - if that was the case, that is his responsiblity, not mine. He is a grownup, he makes his own decisions based on what suits him. We are both together because we both choose to be.

Doha has said: "you say you have tried to stay away and failed - well leave and let your DH find someone who will love him and not be playing about behind his back."

But Doha, the OP's husband is also a grownup, surely it is up to him what he wants to do - he can make up his own mind.

OP the things you say that you want are all mutually exclusive and contradict each other.

You say you are in love with the OM but want to make your marriage work and do not wish to hurt your DH or DD. I'm sorry but you can't make it work knowing that you are in love with someone else and your DH and DD are going to be hurt.

Please stop dragging this further as you are hurting (possibly permanently damaging) everyone by doing so. If this OM is genuine then he is not going to mind if you just get on with the "being on your own" bit to sort out what to do next. He shouldn't try to influence you.

boogie- sorry but I disagree.
it is possible to love another person and still want your main relationship to work, because you know that is the right thing, but not what you really want.That's what causes the dilemma- you know- head and heart.

Much of the world's literature is about dilemmas such as this. Life is complicated at times- something that sometimes seems to go unnoticed on MN with all the "pat" answers.

Emotions are not logical- if they were, they would not be emotions. They can't be changed in the blink of an eye but they can change slowly if we change our behaviour.

I do though agree that if the OP wants to move on, then she has to make changes which will involve hurt- even if this means a temporary separation.

She cannot undo what has happened. She can't turn her love on and off for either man like a tap- if only!

Eventually if she decides to stick with her marriage the OM will fade into the background, but the hardest thing ever is to try to make a marriage work when you know that is right when you have strong feelings for another person.

My final suggsttion OP is that you go for counselling to talk all of this over with an impartial counsellor- if you haven't already- and share your feelings with your DH and go to counselling together.

You have got to talk in RL otherwise this is going to round and round your head until you go mad!

PP - you have it spot on in your last post:

"it is possible to love another person and still want your main relationship to work, because you know that is the right thing, but not what you really want.That's what causes the dilemma- you know- head and heart."

This is exactly it - I think that staying in my marriage is the RIGHT thing to do. For stability for DD and also because DH is not a bad person and there is still a warmth between us at times that I hope we can build on. In hindsight, I should have acted much much sooner and not let the marriage get so damaged. DH and I have both been really unhappy for a long time and we should have taken action and not hoped that the rocky patch would just pass.

I was vulnerable when OM came into my life, as was he. I wish I had never met him because as PP said earlier on in the thread, he is in my head and in my life now. I can't switch that off.

I've looked into counselling. DH already sees a counsellor and we have agreed to give Relate a go together and stop just talking about it.

So back to the original plan - I stop all contact and try everything I've got to make this work.

DH and I went out last night with old friends. I drank too much and he was gentle and kind with me. We sat up until 3am talking. I cried and cried - didn't think it would stop. Told him how disgusted I was in myself. I feel drained today but it feels like we might have turned a corner.

I'm not convinced by counselling for reasons to do with a bereavement by suicide when I was younger and a heavy handed counsellor pushing me to relive things when I was still completely traumatised. I fled and have never 'talked' to anyone since. BUT I recognise that it is the only sensible thing to do. It frightens me to think what might come to the surface to be honest but that's my punishment for the way I've behaved.

At least if we split, I can look back and feel like I did the right thing. If DH decides to call time on it - I'd accept that and work with him to sort the practicalities.

OP_ you have taken a lot of flack on this thread and I admire you for coming back and not running from some of the flaming.

I do know how you feel. I don't really have any more to add except maybe you need to look deeply at what the OM gives you and your DH doesn't. Can DH ever be like that, or can you stay with him and his shortcomings, for the rest of your life together?

It might help to rate your marriage out of 10, and decide how high that score has to be for you to stay. eg if it is now 5, would you be happy with an 8? or if it's now 2, would you be happy with 5-6?

I know you think ti is better for your DD to stay married, and you are only having this wrestle with your conscience because you are not throwing in the towel as quickly as many others would.

However, you also have to understand that if you are unhappy your DD will pick it up. It might not always be the best thing to stay if she suspects that M&D are not really a loving couple.

I hope it all works out for you. When I tried counselling it helped just by making it more real- and hear myself say things aloud. I have to be honest and say it didn't help my decision over things, but it did give me space and stopped me boringmy friends with it all!

Good luck.

Everybody is entitled to their opinion. It was important to me to take on the negative as well as the positive messages. It has hurt to read some of the posts but a good reality check.

I suppose it forced me to interrogate the 'thing' with OM. I wonder now whether I spent too much time trying to work out whether he is genuine (which I think he is)and work out what the connection was when I should have been concentrating on shutting it down.

I get that now. I probably won't post anymore. But wanted to say thank you for EVERYONE'S VIEWS.

good luck, do come back if you want, you are helping me, by being able to connect to your situation. that sounds really selfish of me, but you have been upfront and candid, and i for one hope manage to see a way forward that works out.

take care.

Hugs to you missus xx