Breaking contact with OM

[howdiditcometothis]

Back story here

I feel like I'm having a breakdown. I've taken some time away and made the decision to work on my marriage -it is not bad enough to justify ending it. I know this means no contact whatsoever with OM. He says that he understands and supports the decision I've made but thinks we can maintain a friendship. I can't do that - I'm in love with him and I can't pretend to be his friend and ignore those intense feelings. I'm posting here to stop me replying to him or picking up the phone. I know if we talk, I won't feel able to do it. I would be so grateful if somebody would tell me how they have done this. I feel desperate. I need to switch these feelings off and forget about him. Somebody must have done this successfully before. PLease if you have dealt with a situation like this, please help me to end this. I need to get my life back on track.

I'm kind of bumping. I know it's the not the kind of post that will elicit much sympathy but I'm desperately trying not to text. I need something to do with my fingers and thumb! (that sounds a bit dodgy come to think of it).
okay - off to get sandwich now - that'll keep me distracted for, oh, ten minutes...

Mabelmay,

don't beat yourself up, i did the same yesterday. I said again, and truly meant it, no more contact. Then after only 4 days, i went and texted him. I imeddiatley felt like a total twat.

BUT, in your case, he contacted you, you did so so well with your 6 weeks, you are very strong. So concentrate on that.

I truly believe my laspe is part of a greater process that will be got through. Maybe you can really try to look a it like that?

Mabel - stop stop stop contacting him. He clearly has no respect for you or for your wishes if he contacted you when you had specifically told him not to. Neither of you are allowing yourselves to move on from the situation you created by declaring that you had feelings for each other. If you continue to contact him you are going to cause yourself and your loved ones pain and misery - for what? For a quick ego-boost before he jets off to wherever he is going at the end of the year leaving you with a broken heart and possibly a broken relationship.

Someone on another thread said something yesterday that struck a chord with me.

"You are elevating the sordid to the star-crossed."

To assuage your guilt at emotionally cheating on your DP you are fantasising that this 'relationship' is love, whereas in fact it's just two people who are attracted to each other and are fuelled by excitement and lust, one of whom is not currently available to pursue that attraction. I did this, and you are in danger of doing it too.

The reality of your relationship with DP isn't great IIRC and you are replacing that harsh reality with a fantasy. Stop messing about with texting OM and work on your relationship.

Or be truthful with DP and tell him you are attracted to another man and want to pursue that relationship and ask him if he's okay with that.

Or leave DP and free him and yourself to find other partners that will make you happy. But you can't have it all ways.

I really do have every sympathy for your situation, but sometimes you just have to tell it how it is.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing though isn't it, ilovemyteddy? But I know you said that nothing or no-one could have stopped you from having your affair at the time.

It's really good to read your post though. I know you're (mostly!) right. I knew you'd be on to tell me off! Thank you. I mean it.

To be fair to OM too though, I think he did pretty well to not contact me for 6 weeks - and after all it's not him with the DP and kids, is it? It's me that's got to be the grown up, as it were. I don't blame him for texting me. I could/should have ignored it, but I didn't.

I'll keep re-reading your post though. I convince myself that if I could just sit and talk it through with the OM, face to face - which we've never done, by the way - then it will establish some closure on that front... and then I can move on with DP. But I guess you'll think I'm kidding myself.

piratecat, i sympathise. and maybe you're right. maybe it's unrealistic to think I could have just stopped contact like that. forever. and that's that. maybe this is all part of the process - it's just going to take a little longer and be a little harder than i thought.

I don't know. I don't know!

well it's all i've got to go on in my brain. I just know, from other experiences that things have to move and change.

Remember, he contacted you. Ok you are now pissed off with yourself for replying, but its done now.

Hi Mabel,

I understand how intoxicating and overwhelming the need must be for both you and him. How wonderful it feels to know that he is sharing your emotions, sharing your pain.

But you can't take each other's pain away. It will create a vicious circle of pain - comfort - pain - comfort - pain. It will eat away at you .

You have managed six weeks already. That's good. The text was a blip. It's now up to you whether it remains a blip, or whether you turn it into a complete tumble off the wagon.

If you cut your knee, the wound itches and scabs and looks ugly and feels horrible before it gets better. But healing is going on throughout the process, whether you can see it or not.

Don't pull the scab off and undo all the hard work you've done to help and protect yourself.

Don't beat yourself up over sending the text, just leave it at that. You are both feeling awful. You have great sympathy for each other.

But all the reasons why you stopped contact in the first place are STILL TRUE. They are all still valid and real.

Read back over the things you've written and advice you've had in the last six weeks.

What are you doing right now? Have you got any plans for this afternoon? Focus on the next couple of hours.

The hardest thing about a final goodbye is that it is final. There is no room to check how the other person feels about it. Working through your feelings, processing what's happened, learning to live with it as part of your past - that is all part of the recovery process.

The literal saying goodbye part isn't a process. It is a single moment - a decision. And it's in the past - you have done it. All you are going to achieve by seeing him or speaking to him again is to put your recovery process on pause.

What would you say to an alcoholic who had stopped drinking for six weeks, then through no fault of their own had a sniff of gin and was contemplating having just one more glass?

wordweaver, great post .

MM can't say much now other than don't meet. I did exactly that thinking I would be able to get closure and move on. It just messed me up more and it wasn't the end. OM had agreed it was goodbye and wanted to make it special but we were both kidding ourselves. He made a huge effort, cooked a meal (which I couldn't touch as so worked up), candles, music. Had I not cut it short and left I would have crossed the line with him. I'm glad I didn't but it still left me absolutely reeling. I'm just saying it won't bring closure just more pain and hurt.

Oh yes, hindsight is a wonderful thing

Just because nothing anyone could have said to me would have stopped me having my affair, doesn't mean that I won't try my damndest to help other women who are contemplating going through the shit that I went through.

All I am asking you to do is take off the rose-tinted spectacles and look at the reality of your situation. I'm not saying that the feelings OM has expressed for you aren't real. But look. To put it crudely he can shag you and then he is disappearing in to the sunset leaving you to pick up the pieces. And there will be pieces, even if DP doesn't find out. Because at some stage the woman who is partner to DP and mother to DC and (potential) mistress to OM will have to put herself back together again. And it's tough.

Closure was when you asked him to stop contacting you six weeks ago. By responding to his contacting you you have done exactly what Wordweaver said - pulled off the scab so that it has to heal again. Please don't do this to yourself. Re-read your thread and Howdi's. All the advice you need is there. But we can't so it for you. You have to summon up the strength to admit your weakness and start no contact again.

Wordweaver's post to you is sound advice. And she's nicer than me :)

But I am around for hand-holding, despite being a grumpy cow today!

wordweaver you are spot on as usual. I should print out all your posts and and put them in a little file that I can carry 'round with me all day to give me strength.

howdi thanks for your thoughts. It's good to hear about your own experience. I think you're doing really well.

God, I've just felt so unbelievably happy for the last 24 hours since getting his text - ecstatic at the thought of seeing him again. I knew I needed to be brought back to earth and that's why I posted here. And you're all right. But now I feel tearful and sick at the thought of having to try not to see OM. And guilty too. Guilty about my DP. Guilty about sending that text and not even thinking twice about it. You see, if I isolate myself I can make myself believe that it wouldn't be wrong, it wouldn't be hurtful. It's amazing how you can kid yourself.
Goodness knows how far I'd have got with OM by now if I hadn't come to MN a couple of months ago.

I know a part of what is driving the attraction, the urge to see him, is that we haven't been physical yet, so to speak. So of course there is that curiosity, that "urge" to see what it would feel like, to kiss them, to touch them.

And that totally mad thought that somehow that would get them out of your system.

Thanks for being so understanding. I can't tell you how much it helps to post on here.
Thanks for letting me hijack too, howdi!

ilovemyteddy just seen your post after posting my latest.
Putting it bluntly is exactly what I need. Please be a grumpy cow whenever you feel like it! You and wordweaver, no exaggeration, probably did more than anything/anyone to stop me having an affair (so far...? i hope not).

I know it's all up to me.
But posting on here helps so much.

I echo what ilovemyteddy says about everything (apart from me being nicer than you, ilovemyteddy!).

Mabel, that feeling of euphoria is lovely, but it isn't real. It's like smoke - that's proved by the fact that a few words on the internet can blow it away. And the feeling of guilt and sickness is just a tiny shadow of how awful you will eventually feel if you let yourself meet up with him and allow things to progress. I know that you know all this - I am just doing what you ask and repeating it back to you!

You had a moment of weakness and slipped, but you just have to dust yourself down and keep ploughing on. Focus back on your DP now and on that relationship.

Stop thinking about what OM is thinking/feeling/doing.

Re-train your brain. Every time OM pops into your head, start thinking furiously hard about . . . oh I don't know . . . parsnips or penguins or something.

One day in the future, when you look back on this time, you will be doing it through very different eyes.

Stay strong. You can do this!

MabelMay - I hope you're ok and haven't caved in. Believe me I know how tempting it is. I've consistently let myself down and it isn't a good feeling. I bet you have felt steadier on your feet and more in control when you've been out of contact. I know that heady feeling of being wanted and wanting someone right back is very powerful but try to stay in control and don't give in to it.

6 weeks was an amazing amount of time to go without contact. I can only hope for that distance between myself and all this insanity.

It's a blip and you are strong enough to get through tonight and then tomorrow and then the next day.

Thanks Howdi. Thanks all.
I'm afraid I feel awful this morning. DP and I had a massive row (not related to OM AT ALL - honestly - not even subconsciously). I feel tearful and miserable - I think I've got PMT as I can't stop crying.

I worry that I don't love DP enough any more and that if this can happen after 7 years then how are we going to survive another 17, 27, 37 years... I know partly I'm just in a very negative frame of mind this morning.

It's just upsetting sometimes, when I feel like I'm never allowed to be the weak one in the relationship. I'm never allowed to show vulnerability or uncertainty about stuff. The minute I do, my DP just can't handle it - and rather than listen to me, or try to understand where I'm coming from, or - god forbid - try to make me feel better about it, he just throws it back at me and makes me feel ten times worse. Because he's insecure he just can't cope with seeing someone else (well, me) showing any insecurities. But I'm just exhausted from feeling I'm not allowed to ever be negative about stuff.

I find it hard to explain without giving specific examples - but it's hard to do that without losing my anonymity. I got upset this morning over something to do with my DS and his new school and when I got home I had a little cry about it. DP saw me and - rather than talk to me about it, he just said "It was YOUR decision to send him to X school. Why didn't you send him to the other one?". I know it sounds petty but that's where we seem to go wrong all the time. I feel like sometimes he's happier making me feel worse, rather than just talking things through with me.

Oh, I don't know. I'm sorry. I'm slightly going off-track. It's just I guess all this is tied up with everything else isn't it?

I haven't contacted OM, by the way. I am desperate to see him. But I know I'm far too emotional this morning to think straight.

I work from home mostly but I'm supposed to be going off for a meeting this morning. My eyes are so red and puffy from crying I can't face it. Is there a quick cure for sobbed out eyes??

forget the eye issue. i cancelled work meeting. can't handle it. still crying like an idiot.

Mabel, bathe your eyes with cotton wool and cold water. Got any cucumber? A couple of slices on your eyes may help. Or used teabags, I believe, although I have never tried that one!

I am so, so sorry that you are in the midst of this. I can't begin to imagine how it must make you feel. But the questions you are asking yourself are the right ones. You and your DP will have to talk together and decide whether you can change how the relationship works or not. Because the way it works right now is going to make you ill.

There is a lot to think about and try to untangle in your thoughts, but right this second you have to think about going to a meeting and focusing on work. So take a deep breath, tell your mind that you will think about all these things later today and ask it to just focus on work for the next few hours.

Imagine yourself strapping on some armour before you walk out of the door.

When you come back, allow yourself to think of what has happened again. I am sure in the meantime there will be mumsnetters along much more able than I to help.

OK, cross posted!

Fair enough that you had to cancel. Probably the best thing.

I have some questions.

How fully does your DP understand that you're unhappy in the relationship?

What has he said about how he feels at the moment?

Mabel, I hope that you are ok.

I have been thinking about your situation and reading back over your thread. I have written some thoughts down leading from that.

Not sure if they will help at the moment, but sometimes revisiting the things you have said yourself can bring a bit of clarity. It's a sort of summary of things you have said and thoughts that come from that.

If it helps I could post it over on your own thread, or send it to you as a private message if you have that MN facility turned on?

Wish I could pop around for a cup of tea and a chat. The metaphorical kettle's on though.

Hi wordweaver - thanks for your words. I'll remember the eye tips for the next time - there's bound to be one!

My DP doesn't really understand that I'm unhappy in the relationship. I tell him I am when we fight - but he thinks that's just me mouthing off. And he's very good at making light of things like that - brushing it off. I know I need to sit down and tell him in a quiet, rational way. But when we're having those quiet, rational, happy moments, I feel like I don't want to ruin them by starting to point out all the things that are not going right right now.

He is, apparently, very happy in our relationship. He told me only last night how happy me and the kids make him (and yet has never wanted to commit to marriage... strange). He said this apropos of nothing at all - I wasn't digging, or asking. He loves family life. He also loves his work. He is - on the face of it, and in his own words - totally fulfilled (other than wanting to live somewhere else, which I don't - but that's a different story).

I, on the other hand, do not feel fulfilled. My career has staggered almost to a halt since having kids. I'm kind of treading water right now. I used to travel a lot for work, now I don't travel at all. I made this decision myself so that one of us would be around for the kids. But of course I resent him his exciting, travelling life sometimes... Anyway, this is really a story for another thread I guess.

I don't know if any of this is related to my feelings for the OM or not. I think my feelings for OM are separate - but the risk of me getting back in touch with him, and seeing him again - are not.

Sometimes I think me and DP are inherently unsuited. He needs a totally content, rational, sensible, decisive woman in his life. I am not that.

wordweaver - x-posted again. don't know how to use that facility. is my old thread around? post it wherever is easiest. I will definitely read it!
yes, i think i could really just do with a good friend being around this morning. not a morning to be on my own staring at pc.

MMx

OK, posting on your other thread now . . .

Ladies, how are you all getting on. Pls an update...

Howdid- how are things now? Have you got over OM? I just read your thread with interest and sympathy.

I need help and dug out this thread. Sorry for resurrecting such an old thread.

I'm not over any of it. Not at all. I had long periods of no contact - there is currently no contact. I have nearly destroyed everything in the process.

We tried Relate - it didn't go well so I found a counsellor. Had counselling for 3 months which helped me to iron out some issues but in the end it felt as though the counsellor was pushing me towards ending my marriage and I didn't think it was helping.

So, I'm back in the purgatory of trying to forget him, that he exists. There have been times when I have managed to detach myself quite successfully and connect much more with my reality and homelife. The issues at home are as bad as ever - DH has been out of work for some time now and unwilling to look for anything. The rows have been horrendous. He has used physical force on occasion - something that really shocked me. In all honesty, in the immediate aftermath of those times, my resolve was at its weakest and I turned to OM who is worried that things will take a turn for thw worse.

I would have left by now had it not been for my DD and my inability to carry on working and keep the roof over our heads without DH's help with the childcare. She is picking up on the cold war at home and I need to fix it one way or the other for her. I can't see a way forward without DH's cooperation and I'm now desperately trying to keep him on side. I suspect the marriage is not in a state which can be fixed, so much bile and resentment and hate. I have made some massive mistakes and yet I still harbour resentment towards him.

OM has been respectful and stepped back whenever I've asked, been unrelentingly thoughtful and been there for me in some of the darker times. He has refused to see me when I've contacted him out of the blue, saying that he'll consider it if I sleep on it first. He knows I've been impulsive in the past and really regretted it. He has tried to maintain a 'friendship' but there were two occasions when I committed adultery. I'm deeply ashamed and want to confess. I've tried and just not been able to do it.

I carry so much shame with me for allowing this mess to become increasingly entrenched. I do not know myself anymore. I don't recognise the person that has carried these things out. I have always been loyal and trustworthy in all of my dealings previously.

I want it to stop. I've tried to talk to my deeply religious Mum about it but not been able to. Even gone to church to ask for forgiveness. Help even.

It all makes ugly reading.

I can't stay on long as I'm on my way out but I couldn't leave this

howdiditcometothis you deserve to be happy. You do, you really do. And your DD will be happier with you happy, she needs you to focus on what is best for you right now. Please do think about yourself, stop beating yourself up for not being happy with your DH. It is not your fault